Monday, December 13, 2010

"One Step Tonight"

I finally realized you can't save me
I'm gunna have to save myself
And if it takes ten years of searching
I'm gunna finally figure all it out

Cuz there's just too much agony
That never rests or lets me be
There's open scars and tragedies
You'd see
But I'm not sure I'm ready...

If I could find the healing light
Inside my soul, not in your eyes
If I could find some kind of life
I think that I would be alright and
The journey starts with this one step-
one step-

I'm finally ready for some closure
Now that I'm really on my own
I think it took a broken heart to heal me
And a gypsie's life to finally find a home

Cuz there's a soul inside of me
That never rests or lets me be
But the years of wandering aimlessly
Should cease
And I'm ready to see

If I could find the healing light
Inside my soul, not in your eyes
If I could find some kind of life
I think that I would be alright
The journey starts with this one step-
one step-

Find, I'll find my wings
Even a caged bird can sing
The past, The past it stings
With memories
One Sparrow's plea
Open the door let me be
Open the door and set me free...


The lull in posts hasn't been a bad thing.

I've been keeping myself pretty busy lately. Not a night without some sort of thing to do. Work or otherwise. Shows, the usual karaoke.

Was in California for part of my silence. That was the worst vacation ever. Spent it with a very weepy mother. That's all I want to say on that front.

The thing I do want to talk about is how I landed a producer and now I'm going to make a solo album. I've spent a lot of this time writing new material of which is varied. Haunting Me and Romanticide will def be on the album, as will Running all songs I wrote previously. Couldn't Stay is on track too. I'm thinking about a different version of Lullaby and Nothing too. That's 6 right there. I want 12. One will be a cover, the lyrics I'll post next I think. As I'm mapping all this out I'm realizing what an undertaking it will be. I still want to get on paper one good song that expresses the Chris stuff. Romanticide is partly about him though.
The basics will all be done in a loft studio downtown and the complicated stuff (including having someone come in and layer drum kits with real drums) will be done at a different location. I want this album to really show off different sides to what I like musically. Not screaming over Flash Suppressor style.
It feels good to know someone genuinely likes and respects my music, and expects to make some money on it.
I'd love to have a collaborator on some of the newer 6 songs, but my favorite local lyricist happens to be my ex. I also want a guest track. It would be cool to get Jon to do it. I'd have to see if he'd even be willing, all past aside. None of the songs are about him. He'd probably expect an appearance fee. I dunno if he'd do it for a friend for free since he's a business man too. Just thoughts rolling around in my head on the drawing board.

Also on the drawing board is getting 3 or 4 songs down on an E.P and then taking the music to the U.K and chasing down the radio stations, media, and such for about 3 weeeks. It's easier to break into the UK market than it is in here in America. The rules there are different when it comes to press kits and getting heard. Anyway, the producer knows someone over there that could very well be an in which is also exciting. I realize of course, it will take more than 3 weeks to accomplish what I'm hoping but the 3 weeks would be to feel out the market and make a strategy. We're looking into leaving around Feb 4th for that.

Meanwhile, this means I have to lose weight because there will have to be photography in the future. It also may mean some physical therapy for the back shit so it gets stronger so it looks less like, well, my back.

I wrote 2 songs alone today and it's the first day I've ever written 2 songs in a day ever. One I will go ahead and post here, it's called "One Step Tonight" and the other I'll save to post when I'm ready is called "Stranger."
"My Sweetest Ache" is stuck in me somewhere, but I tapped into a short lived feeling for that. I don't want to fake the rest of where that came from so we'll see where it goes.

I just want this album to be about you know, the process of getting broken, falling in love, making decisions, finding yourself, and all of it from a real place. I don't want to compromise any lyric, any moment, any feeling.

I realize as with anything this could be a foray into failure, but I'll be damned if I don't try. And it's a huge undertaking. I also have to be proud of myself for putting myself out there and having someone say they want to take a chance on me. I realize what a big part of chance networking is, getting the right people out, knowing how to get them out. Selling yourself.

I'm growing everyday and surrrounding myself with people I truly care for. I think now is really the time to focus on music and myself and sort of let the relationship shit go to the wayside. I think back of dealing with all the drama of the last 2 relationships and it's exhausting.
Somehow hearing Chris got married after the initial shock and sudo anger wore off I realized he actually set me free. There are no more questions anymore. It explains every behavior, every false start attempt at friendship, and all the shit I was working out about what we were exactly after everything ended. I am literally free and clear and alone. And for the first time with him, that's ok.

J is a different story entirely. I'm working through all the feelings I have about what happened with us through writing, and of course, in therapy all though so far we've mostly talked about my mom big shocker. I don't have anger towards Johnny, or lingering questions about his behavior. I'm aware of what I feel for him and that's just wanting him to be happy. At this point my only question is if in fact he will ever speak to me again. And if he's doing all this silence for self preservation. I mean, initially that's why I needed it myself. But I'm not sitting around being weak about it anymore. I'm doing the work my therapist is telling me to do. I'm practicing confronting people when I feel like they've violated my boundaries by their behavior. Even if it takes awhile to do it, doing it at all is a step in the right direction.
Relearning a behavioral pattern is so hard. I hate confrontation still, but I finally realize a lot of the abandonment I have had has come from the fact that I've tried to avoid it and hell, if people are gunna leave anyway (and it's possible they still will) I may as well put up a fight for myself. At least then I can look back and say I did what I did for me.

With the album in the works I feel more worth while. I feel more confident. I am more forgiving of my sick days.

I still very much miss the feeling of sleeping next to someone. It's been great to meet new people, but it doesn't really get easier to sleep alone, though I've stopped couch surfing as much. Don't know if I mentioned staying on Camano for the Holiday, and that was actually super awesome. Dad and I got up early and had coffee and breakfast then chased down some trumpeter swans. They fly in from Russia and it's a rare sort of swan you only see here and in Russian apparently. It was actually pretty cool. Then Tami and I dragged him to see Burlesque, which I was surprised to find he liked.

The next night was one of the best shows I've ever seen as far as a local band goes, so I'm throwing a Christams party at their next show on the 19th @ The Sunset. Then Ashley and I are throwing a pre Xmas shindig in Utah when I go down. Mom really had to barter to get me down this year. After the last I wasn't inclined to go.

I got to meet James Apollo who is a musician I admire very much two weeks ago, so that was great. He said he'd keep in touch through facebook and I'm stoked to be in contact.

Also landed a job as an open mic host. Pretty damn cool. More freedom than karaoke hosting, though a totally different vibe. Plus the bar owner and I get on really well. I've got all sorts of ideas to try and help his bar bring in more revenue.

This is my little idiotic life. And I'm living it my way. That's all for now people. I'm fighting off a cold so that I can start in the studio this week. So I'm back to resting, if not sleeping. Then it's back to work on something.

Love sent into the universe.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


Hey peeps.

Much has happened in the way of life. Much in the way of good exciting news. Much in the way of sorrow.

Much much much.

I'll update you all as soon as I'm not drunk again.

But I'm not dead.

I'm just coming to terms to everything right now.

Just know I send my love out. I do

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

A letter to the misinformed

Dear Jae,

My therapist says I need to stop being such a doormat and finally express how I feel for once. She says if I express some of the repressed feelings I have then I will finally be able to heal, express them better in the future and quit constantly hurting myself in the name of other people. Or more to the point, the name of peace. The no confrontation zone.

I'm glad I can explore this first step in assertion with you. The same way you managed to express your first steps in home wrecking with me. Of course, to say that isn't really counting your first marriage...

I'd like to start off by saying mazeltov! I'm sure your marriage will be as happy and successful as was my engagement to your current husband. You remember that? The one you broke up? No matter. That was years ago. It means nothing now, no?

Because really, what can one be when someone who was their "friend" and their love get married? Hehe.
I believe the word is happy. God I'm so... Yeah...

I'm so what exactly? I'm not angry at you. You were there first technically weren't you? High school. I was some bitch he met at a bar. The life we had- the shit we went through- the person he had to be with me to get to you- that shit is over and in the past. Let's lay that to rest shall we? Let's focus on the life we had before you came into the picture.

So... We were finally happy. Ready to be married ourselves. Making the plans, sharing the secrets, spending our nights together, and his days off. I wrote music while he worked, and our life together seemed to mold so well. All of his friends seemed excited for us. Then he tells me his friend from high school is moving down too, and nudged me towards a camaraderie with you.

Remember? When we hung out? And you'd tell me stories and we'd laugh? And I accepted you as you were? Assuming you were no threat, as you stated you were none.

Oh don't worry, it's not as if I hold this against you. I mean, how could one resist wrecking a life? I was a sitting duck wasn't I? I was an easy target. Yep. I watched as you two spent time alone at the last party we had. I watched as he texted you more and more. I watched quietly. Because... Well really Jae, I have an issue being bitchy. I hate confrontation I especially hated it with him. Our fights were blow outs- like nothing I've known with any other guy.

You probably know how to navigate his temper better than I. Maybe that was your point that won you the spot I coveted for 3 years. Perhaps it was your smile or your winning personality. I'm not sure. He never talked about it with me.

All I know is when I left for Portland and came back, I knew for sure it was over. And I placed a bet with myself. And wouldn't you know it? I won! I bet myself within two weeks of making the bet he'd be with you. And Christ almighty! I was right! I won myself $20. I mean, that's fantastic! Isn't it?

You know, Bobby got married at the same time you did. Do you remember me talking about my ex Bobby at all? Well, as a refresher, he dumped me and got with this girl Layla. Wouldn't you know it? They got married. Approximately the same time you did. I'm like fucking good luck chuck now. I finally found my purpose in life it seems.

I'm glad about finally finding something I can do well. If Mason marries Rhiannon (and he likely will) then that completes the circle. I can quit singing "Lullaby." Hehe. Maybe he'll be sober by then...

I do have something to add though. When you came and took me aside last Christmas, and told me my spirit guide was likely your dead mother... Well dear, I wanted to tell you how cuckoo you were. I wanted to tell you BACK THE FUCK OFF Because... Forgive me, when somebody interprets how I feel about my spirituality wrong, I go a little nuts. There is NO WAY your dead mother is my Ethelia. Ethelia was and has been in my life for longer than you and your mother have experienced life. Ethelia saved me from an almost certain death from a surgery that was botched thanks to the doing of your husband. Oh, and for the record, he wasn't around for it.

But he's around for you isn't he? Treasure it dear sister. Because, seeing as how you've come to the conclusion your dead mother and my spirit guide are the same that would make us sisters.

But wait... As my sister... Would you have really come to do all you've done?

Now, I believe in fate. But in order for this to be true, wouldn't my sister have had to find a way to "steal" my fiance from me? Now, with a real sister- I know how I would act. And in accordance with my own morals, trying to seduce anyone she liked seems morally wrong. But it wasn't, was it? You were (and are) fine and dandy with it.

I'm sorry, but this doesn't match up with soulism at all, which makes you wrong. The fact you pretended to be an expert on my spirituality at a party I do have to say irked me a little. But all is forgiven.

My life goes on in a state I belong. I continue to wait patiently as people come and go. I know eventually Ethelia, and not your mother, will lead me to the place and space and time I belong. To those people which I belong. Not to a false man who left me for someone with weak moral standing and terrible timing. I wait patiently for the people to show me the way, I wait because I know they will come.

Until then, I can not wish you the best. But I will wish you swift karma, as that seems fair.

Congrats again,


Friday, November 19, 2010

Couldn't Stay

Couldn't Stay

His eyes were blue
With flecks of gray
He'd make me laugh
On the hardest days
He'd sit with me
And a bottle of wine
We'd watch tv
To pass the time

But the days grew longer
As our time grew shorter
I could feel he was slipping away from me
And I wanted to touch him
And I wanted to beg him
To give me one more day...

But he couldn't stay
He couldn't stay
But that's ok
Everyone leaves in the end anyway

We had our fights
And our share of pain
But he held my hand
On that November day
I hope that he knows
That I wish him the best
And of all of the men I've loved
He'll be the one I won't regret

But the days grew longer
As our time grew shorter
I could feel he was slipping away from me
And I wanted to touch him
And I wanted to beg him
To give me one more day...

But he couldn't stay
He couldn't stay
But that's ok
Everyone leaves in the end anyway

Did he not know the way he looked at me
Would change my life and everything?
I still have trouble trying to believe
A man like that could ever have felt for me...

But the days grew longer
As our time grew shorter
I could feel he was slipping away from me
And I wanted to touch him
And I wanted to beg him
To give me one more day...

But he couldn't stay
He couldn't stay
But that's ok
Everyone leaves in the end anyway

I Bleed


Only women bleed
For the men they so desperately need
Was I blind to see?
All the reasons you wanted to be free?

I've Got none
This kind of love is killing me...

I bleed
Everytime you walk away
You would leave
Everything and now I'm crying
I bleed
When you said you'd never go away
But then you did
Now every night
I pay for it
I bleed

You left me at the start
Your silence is defeaning my heart
I examine my scars
Losing my mind wondering just what we are

I've Got none
What is this love you stole from me?

I bleed
Everytime you walk away
You would leave
Everything and now I'm crying
I bleed
When you said you'd never go away
But then you did
Now every night
I pay for it
I bleed

Why, why?
I don't understand
Why, why?
Do you color my world red?

I bleed
Everytime you walk away
You would leave
Everything and now I'm crying
I bleed
When you said you'd never go away
But then you did
Now every night
I pay for it
But then you did
Now every night
I pay for it
I bleed

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


K that's just so I have it written down somehwere.

Scott and I made up. He realized what an asshole he was being and apologized.

Then I got some of the most exciting news!!! One of my favorite shows on television is "Ghost Adventures" and the people who do it came to town and thanks to my lovely friend Brian I got to meet them, act like a total fan tard and get pix. I was GIDDY AS HELL.
I've met more than a few famous people in my time and this is the first time I was nervous about it. (Ok second. First was Lance from N Sync, but hey, I used to say I was gunna marry his beautiful gay ass.)
They were super nice, and then I managed to sneak into the tour and actually go through the paranormal experience with them which was awesome. But Freaky. I was touched on 2 seperate occasions by spirits and we recorded a wicked E.V.P Which said "here... we're here" I got the goosebumps and at some point the voice box called me a bitch. I was shocked. Well, I was provoking the spirit pretty badly. Anyway I was so high on life again that night. Haven't felt like that since The Dreaming played Studio Seven.

Met some nice people as usual. Hopefully I'll run into them in my ghost travels again.

Ended up dropping X with Sarah and Jay which was a funny and interesting night in and of itself but that was last weekend. Felt fine the next day.

I'm exhausted after 3 hours of sleep, and there was a lot more that happened. Don't know if I'm gunna be part of "sweet freak" anymore, but there are a couple other bands that are interested in me so we will see... Plus I wanna start something cool too.

I'm eating healthier again. Drinking again. Getting pierced again. Booking again.

I still have moments where I break down and miss Johnny pretty badly, and I drunk texted him a few nights ago about how I miss him. I apologized the next day. Most days I'm ok now. I'm opening my heart to new people.

Even though I get screwed more than the positivity I push through the muck and hope.

I want my simple life back. Sarah decribed my life as as "unstopable momentum" and somehow that makes sense.

Rest sucks.

First therapy tomorrow, wish me luck. It's time to try to sleep.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

In My Arms... My love for you

Where to start tonight. The drama. The fights, The love. The loss. The music.

Well anyway Flash Suppressor has decided they wanted a new direction. I was ok with this. Sad, but ok I understood we wanted different things. I wanted to push for more, and they wanted to stay a small time hobby band in a small time town. I want to push for everything possible.

God damn it if I could just find people who felt the same about image, the music, the future, the goals, blah blah.

Anyway I auditioned for Rene's band "Sweet Freak" last week. They haven't said yes or no at this point and I've been rehearsing and writing with them for a week. They keep saying they can't make a snap decision but fuck? Do you like what I do or not? The lyrics are totally different. Not emulating Evanescence at all. Wrote one called "Road To Hell" writing another called "Demonic Speed" and another called "The Other Side." It's COMPLETELY different than F.S and while I still have some control it isn't exactly mine. Guess we'll see. Who knows. I could be kicked out next week for "generation differences" or "less pop oriented mindedness."


Still haven't spoken to Debby. Just can't see a reason yet. Ran into Jeff twice this week, and I wonder if the fates are trying to tell me something.

Scott and I are officially in a major fight ha ha. He heard some shit from some chick named Sara who again, based on a person I know had shit to say and as usual, shit was contorted and now I'm in the dog house for nada. By the way, that bitch can fuck herself. I had her pegged from moment one as a shit talker, with daddy issues and a peter pan complex. I hate to talk shit but really. It's rare I meet someone who just SCREAMS at me stay away, bad, bad juju.
She totally did.

As I start to realize how bad some of the people are in my life right now I'm wondering if I was just blind before, or if I just in fact want to believe the best of people? If I do WHY? What in my life has possibly made me believe people truly care and are altruistic? HA.
I mean, sure, whatever- people care to a point. But as soon as they're off the phone and they realize you've lied and said you're ok they go on with their lives and you are still stuck where you were. ALONE, might I add.

God I'm feeling terribly jaded aren't I?



Johnny's thrown me to the side, Flash Suppressor is done with me, my family has fallen even further apart

Oh best explain that.

Mom found out Dad not only has a girlfriend but has been living with her. (Thanks for beating me to the punch Dad. See? Jaded.)
For keeping this little tidbit to myself based on my father's request my mom decided the easiest person to take this out on would be me. I am now a conniving, deceitful little bitch. In the middle (this is not the part I mind) I stand betwixt my mum and father with loyalties to both now that the smoke has cleared. But I have spent more hours than I care to share doing my best to let my mom down easy and explaining how Dad could possibly leave her. Then not only leave her, but find someone else instead.

I'm exhausting typing this out.

My peach lovers are running fast this month. I wish I had my Johnny to talk to... But I don't so again, it is what it is. I don't know who to turn to or what to say.

Devon has quickly shown himself to be just another musician. Not that he ever wasn't. But back from tour he is... well... you know. A guy. A friend. But never someone I would trust or care for in that sense.
NO one is.

I miss and ache for the life I had. The less complicated simple one Johnny seems to have down so well. Why is he so content dammit to just live that life? Why was I content to live it with him? Why now do I feel the need to constantly move and never touch home base, not even for an instant? He has another show and everytime I think about it I feel my insides break. Why do sometimes I feel numb? Why do I feel nothing at all? Why do I feel...?

I witnessed an accident tonight. Big deal. I'd rather not write about it. I waited for the police report and all. Wasn't anything compared to watching that person fall under the tires of that Mazda though. That was the thing of nightmares.

Speaking of nightmares I wish they would go fuck themselves.

Christ. Why is this such a negative entry? I don't feel like this so much anymore, it just seems like so much has added up...

My meds are making me look more sickly. I see it. I know others do too. I went to karaoke with my friend Michael P. Monday and he commented. I'm not scared. I wonder if others are. I wonder if that's why Dad cried in the Chinese restaurant...?

I am escaping to Cali on the 19th. I could use the break I think. Break to where? From what? Who cares...

I am preparing also for my acoustic show next week. Have my set sorted finally. What a mess that turned out to be.

I long to keep writing, because once I stop I'm alone in the dark again. Even with the Xanax. But I have nothing else to share at the moment other than my love for the world, life and affection.

I wish I could take you all in my arms and hold you til you felt love was real. Because maybe even if it isn't for me, and I never feel it... I feel it for you. Believe it.


Tuesday, November 2, 2010


Xanax entry.

Damn I wish I felt this calm and relaxed always. I had a rediculous non-stop crazy weekend. Shows, party, I got pissed at Devon. Got super drunk even for me. Met new people, and to my shame had another ambien episode. Thank christ I was able to switch to Xanax today because this is sooooo much better. Oh how I missed my peach lover.

Spent some time with my friend Rene today who claimed I'm impossible to get one on one. I hadn't exactly realized it until now, but they're right. I guess I'm afraid to do one on one time really. As a love addict I'm constantly looking to feel that feeeling, but I'm fucking afraid of it. I mean, how much further could I fall apart if I let it in? The real, all consuming passionate kind? And worse, what if it was returned? Disaster surely.

Something happened today that I can't go into right now, which is very sad. I just don't want to ruin this calm mood.

Need to start preparing for my acoustic set next Tuesday. And I have a new band audition on Wednesday,

I wish Lexi, my cat was here sleeping next to me.

And as always when I slow down long enough to think my mind wanders to J and I wish we were talking again.

I'm curling up with HBO now. I wish I had juice.

Aaaah well.

Thursday, October 28, 2010


I know it's bed time but I've been researching deaths related to drugs and alcohol and some of the information scares me.

I am worried about what pain does, and how I combat it...
Am I speeding this whole thing up? Does it matter?

Anyway... This is a useless entry.

At least I'm more informed.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Busy Weekend

I've been hanging out with my friends a lot. I finally let them in again. I'm making new ones as well. Made out with a couple girls at a party last night. Got too drunk, I'm so hungover today.

Before that I picked up Devon from the airport. It was nice to have him back from tour. We went to his place and hungout for awhile then he made dinner. Then I went to the party to meet up with Scott.

Before that though Sarah, Jay, Alex, Jeff and I met up at the Mercury on Friday. I hadn't invited Debbby really. She and I were on shaky ground and I wanted some time with other people. She kept saying snarky things that weren't funny. Just hurtful. Turns out Jeff invited her so she showed up anyway. I sent Jeff outside to get her when she texted me so she could get in. They were gone awhile so the joke started that they were making out somehwere. When the got into the bar after hearing the joke Debby immediately grabbed Jeff and started making out with him. This pissed me off. A lot.
Debby was supposed to go to the Flash show on Friday too, and I was to give her a ride. So I waited around for her, calling and texting and after waiting 15 minutes longer than I should have I left without her. That pissed me off too. She didn't even have the courtesy to let me know.
At this point she messed with my housing, my music, and now she was messing up my friends. I was not ok with this.

When she climbed into his lap and embarrassed the whole club I was absolutely fed up. I asked her not to take him home. And they left together. It was basically a "I don't care how you feel, fuck you" sort of gesture. She then had the audacity to send me a bunch of angry texts the next morning saying that I had better not be mad at her cuz she had done nothing wrong.

I'm so over the fucking drama. I don't need it. I told her I was gunna take a couple days to think about our "friendship." It doesn't matter though, because I can't trust her around my guy friends anymore. Which in lamens terms means I can't trust her at all period.

Saturday was such a hard day. All I kept thinking about was Johnny, and Johnny's show and feeling really twisted about it. I probably would've felt the same if I had known I was going. But it's hard to tell. I met up with Scott instead and we went to dinner and talked alot about our exs, and then we went to get him a tattoo. It was weird watching it happen for real. I kept comparing the pain to S.I though and thinking it's probably no worse. Anyway I didn't feel like coming home to be alone, and neither did he so we had a sleepover. When I came home the next day I relaxed.

I'm still trying to keep my stress down, and I need to go in for another blood test. I've gained some of the wieght back. It's been a few weeks since the hospital.

I'm stoked for Halloween again. It's been a year since we recorded our demo. A year since Moby. A year since`I rolled with Johnny, which was amazing. A year ago I was still living in Everett. I was different. I'm wiser now. I'm more focused on what I want.

Anyway this week looks to be kinda busy. Jay and I are doing dinner tomorrow, and then Sarah and I are hanging out. I think tomorrow I'll hit the Halloween store and see what my options are. I just like being there either way. Thursday I'm meeting up with Adam likely, and there's a show Friday. Stay busy, don't look back.

Love sent into the universe tonight. I'm open and receptive.

P.S Missing my other Adam tonight a lot. He had what the girl had in "My Sister's Keeper" and they keep showing the movie on HBO. I hope we meet again. R.I.P Love.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

And now for something different

I've tried writing a few entries over the last few days and things have gotten deleted.

I'm glad we got a chance to do the show we did on Friday. I had 9 friends come out to Everett from Seattle to see us. I was finally excited to play and do music again after I woke up that day and heard that news.
We got screwed over surprise surprise by the promoter, but the show went smoothly.

The next night was The Key Note Speaker show, my friend Scott's band. Scott ended up wasted before playing the show and what ensued was crazy antics and the most rediculous rock and roll show I've ever seen. Hard to explain, but he spent part of the show on the floor singing into the mic sideways, with the mic laying on the floor next to him. Anyway, my friend Jay accompanied me to the show and then we all went to the tin hat. Then Scott invited us back to his place for wine so we went and Jay and I ended up crashing there.

We got up really early and hit Beth's cafe then went back to Jay's place where his room mate's father offered me a shot of bitters at ten am. So I drank it, and continued to drink wine through the day til we decided to order some pizza. I called Sarah and she came over and met up with us. Then at 7pm, after not having since slept since way before The Flash Suppressor show, Sarah and I napped as Jay's D&D Party began. I woke up around 3am and woke up Jay and we talked til 6am when he had to go to work, then I came home again.

The week was good, and I've made a new friend as well- Devin. Met some new people. I've stayed busy and social and I've been so much happier this way. A lot of texts.

I've decided to re-establish Hula nights, so everyone came out yesterday. We took up the whole right wall this time. I was told I was magnetic at some point and looking around that room at everyone I knew and brought together I believed it.
I have to say Devin has been good for my soul in ways. Every time I give him some sort of compliment or attention, he completely returns it. He consistently tells me how sweet I am. He left town after hanging out but has been texting me. We're gunna hang out when he gets back again.

I picked up the notebook and have started penning lyrics again as well. One song I've started is about seeing everybody I've lost again, which is coming along. Melodies play in my head all the time. I guess I'm feeling like myself again kinda.

Monday I was SUPER sick. But I have been staying in a good mood really since the weekend. I'm gunna do an acoustic show in 3 weeks and I'm stoked, but a little weirded out. It'll just be me and my keyboard. I'm trying to figure out which songs to play. At least a couple Flash ones, but def solo stuff. Maybe I'll have a whole new song to debut by then.

I did have a dream last night about ending up with Johnny again. It felt so real... Then I woke up and realized that no, I was still alone and we're still not speaking. His show that I was invited to and then he un-invited me to is Saturday. I really wish there was something else going on that day I wanted to be at. I miss him. I want to be at the show pretty badly, but I respect his not wanting me there.

On that note I want to clarify that the song "villan" is not about Johnny. Johnny never made me out to be the villan. It was everybody else. And that's what I'm writing about. The frustration at that situation. The whole damn thing.

Even if Johnny doesn't want me at his show because he has another girl coming, at this point I've let it go. I have no desire to cause drama or feel that anxiety anymore. I'd love to see him again at this point. Give him a hug. Let him know no hard feelings and all that, and move on. Moving on is hard, but I'm working on it. And I'm def feeling better like I said since the weekend.

I still haven't decided on my plans for Halloween or even what my costume will be, but I def want to do something cool.

Anyway, that's the news for now. Pills are almost gone, but I am SO PROUD of myself because I am only going to be without pills for 3 days. ONLY 3 DAYS. That never happens. Usually 2 weeks is how long I'm strung out for but it's only gunna be 3 days. I dunno how that worked out but yay!

Ok, off to find something else to do.

Friday, October 15, 2010


It's 3:30 and I got skewampus on my sleep again, so I've just woken up. Which means I'm gunna medicate hard to sleep in a few hours before I have to go do the show again.

I'm so fucking tired. I'm just so emotionally and physically tired. I don't even want to do it right now. I'm tired of all the play acting I'm doing again lately. I tell my friends I'm fine. I make sure I'm shut up in my space when the dark times are hardest.

Oh, and I got a lecture from a doctor today which was fucking great. I felt even more depressed. Then I got pissed off. Then I thought about running my car off the road but then realized I've just discovered all this great music lately and I wouldn't get to ever hear it again, so I changed my mind. Which is funny if you think about it.

So instead I went to dinner with my Dad and we talked a lot. I went over all the medical intake stuff and told him he was my emergency contact, and that I'd been to the doctor that morning. I told him about the trip to Utah and we talked a lot about the stuff that happened over the years. He told me he missed me a lot and I saw tears in his eyes. Which made me get a little teary too. I rubbed his arm and told him it was all gunna be ok. This was just a difficult time, but things get better. Then I felt like a liar because I'm having a hard time believing it myself.

Then I went to practice and we went through the set. Then we started writing a new song. I've decided to write it about all the bullshit circumstance that circled the relationship and so far it's called "you made a villan out of me." There were lots of people that I believe it's in refrence to, so, whatever. We'll see if I finish it. I'm going into the studio next weekend to start recording my first solo song. I've written lots of little riffs lately some I remember, and some I don't.

I went on facebook tonight to let everyone know my phone is out of commission as well, and up popped a pic of Chris that was tagged while he was in Vegas for Kasey's birthday. Since I seem to be a massochist these days I clicked on the album and strolled through the pictures. All the faces of people I called friends. That I loved. That I miss too. It made me feel more lonely. I don't have a crew to get together with anymore. How do I make friends and yet not have anyone to talk to?

It's so fucked up!!! People want to help me, and be there for me. But I just can't let them in all the way. I know Sarah and Deb would. I know Jay is trying. Jason... I talk to Scott everyday now but we always end up talking about his ex girlfriend, which makes me tired too because I try really hard to just listen and be supportive and say comforting things, but he's in a similar place that I am I think, which is a selfish place to be and it's hard for me to give right now. And he can't give because he spends all of his energy worrying over his ex.
I don't get tied up in knots over Johnny as much as I used to. I still cry in the shower and get the urge to text him every ten minutes. Every time I see a panda I feel as if I've been punched in the gut.

When I was in Utah Lexi, my mom's cat, would follow me around and sleep with me and such and it made me miss Leis so much sometimes I couldn't breathe.

I promised myself when I got back I'd start actively trying to date as well. Because I'll never get over J until I get interested in someone else. But even that is exhausting. The thought of dating roulette again. Ugh. It's a hard line to walk in my brain too because if I get close to someone now anyway, it could be a short lived thing.

I just don't have the answers. And it seems a lack of will to find them.

I met this interesting guy when I went out by myself the other night named (ha) JohnJohn. He was passing through Seattle with his friends on this epic road trip and they were telling me about. They had started in North Carolina and they had been traveling for some weeks. They were leaving Seattle the next morning to head to the sequoias. I went to bed that night wishing I had the money to go with them. Those people are really living. Experiencing it. They were going to end in Santa Barbara on the beach drinking Mai Tais and figuring out their futures. It's safe to say I wanted to escape with them I think.

Anyway, seeing the pics of Chris brought up a lot of old feelings. And it made me really hope Johnny and I don't end up there. Though the distance keeps growing between us. I wonder if he misses me. Thinks about me anymore. I wonder if he gets lonely at night when we used to watch our shows together. I don't like to wonder wheather he's dating but sometimes my brain won't let me help but ask itself.

I should try and sleep even though I'm not really tired having only woken up an hour ago. I need to charge my phone in my car til I get a new charger I guess.

I wish all these fucking feelings would sort themselves out too, cuz I'm tired of feeling this way.

So I leave you with this:


There are so many lyrics in here that sort of fit things. And emotions. If you listen to what she's saying underneith.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


"I wanted you to know- taht I love the way you laugh"

"I want to hold you high and steal your pain...away"

(Oh fuck, if only I could fix it all. Make your pain as if it never happened)

"I keep your photograph- and I know it serves me well"

(It' the only fucking proof we ever existed together. One picture. One moment.)

"I wanna hold you high and steal your pain"

(See above)

"Cuz I'm broken, when I'm lonesome.."

(Which was whenever I knew we'd be apart for awhile. Lonliness was always my biggest trigger.)

"And I don't feel right, when you're gone away"

(Self explanitory)

"You've gone away- you don't feel me- here- anymore.."

(And it breaks my fucking heart... Percocet help me faster...)

So Broken plays in my head, and I fully take the song to mean exactly what I want it to right now...

Did a medical intake today. Filled out forms. Did some tests. Trying to figure out what's best. I can't write of it now as I'm trying to wind down but it was eye opening to say the least.

I have a show Friday with FS and then depending on results, consults and the like, FS may be going on break again because I gotta get well. Or at least... You know, try...

Johnny doesn't want me at the show he has coming up on the 28th. Broke my heart again to hear him say that. I don't know when he has another planned, and wheather or not I'll be... good to go... I suppose it doesn't matter. I want to be there so badly but our glory days are over. I'd be a problem likely, even if I was a fly on the wall just to hear the music and leave. I just want SO MUCH to fill in as much as I can right now. To see him at his best. Wish him well. Mom says that makes me a sucker. Dad says that makes me weak. I tell them they have no right to tell me how to feel now and they back off. Now is a time to fill my life with experience, and happiness and love. And I had that with him.

He doesn't have all the details, and I'm sory to say neither do you. But I feel sick again and it's time to lay down.

I feel telling anyone everything would be manipulation in some way and so I lay silent. But here. Waiting. Watching. Hopeful.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Shit Talkers

Emotionally I'm back to shit today.

Johnny's illuding to one liners on messenger that make me miserable. We're still not speaking. It's eating me. I feel like he's mad at me, and I have no idea what exactly it is I did or am doing to piss him off.

He broke *my* fucking heart. He ended it with me. The stress of everything caused me to get really sick, and he has the thought in his head that I never loved him? Or... whatever it is he's thinking I don't know. I can tell you I have NEVER had to fight to fucking comfort myself like this. EVERYBODY knows how I felt for him. I did everything in my power to try and make him happy. To accuse or illude to to the falsivity of my feelings is like... quite possibly the most hurtful thing any single person could do on the planet. It cuts me inside like nothing has before. WHAT ELSE COULD I HAVE DONE FOR HIM? WHY WASN'T IT ENOUGH? WHY WASN'T I ENOUGH?

All I have is my compassion and love. And my time. I don't have anything else. To say I didnt give it, or if he's back to believing shit rumors is utterly wrong.
God people I'm so tired. I'm so tired of defending myself to a man that all I tried to do was show love. I NEVER did this with any of my exs. Ask any of them. There wasn't even a fight about my fidelity or activities or whatever. They knew because I showed them.

Which leads me to what happened on Tuesday. Tuesday was the Covenant show and that's a story for another blog. A damn good slash weird one... But I went with my friend Jay and after everything went down we walked the short distant to another bar for a final shot and some girl came up to me and said "I know you!" I looked at her and said "likely a show somewhere" she said yeah that sounded right. Then her face lit up and she said OH! You dated Chris' brother right? I said yes, but we had broken up recently. She pulled me in for a hug which sort of surprised me then asked if we could go talk. I agreed.
What she told me fucking ripped me in half. Apparently Chris never liked me. He had a lot of things to say about me, based on shit Amber had said apparently. I listened to absololutely horrible half truths and flat out lies and as the tears started to stream down my face she asked if she wanted me to stop. I told her no, I wanted the whole fucking truth. Every ugly thing. I couldn't believe the things she was saying. I'm not going to give her name, but she works with Chris. And she felt very certain that in some small way it had contributed to our reltionship ending. I agreed with her.

WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS SHIT? why did these people two-face me? lie? Why was I ALWAYS in a position on the defense? Why does he hurt me when I am nice to him? Why couldn't we talk about any of this? I fucking knew you can trust NOBODY. EVER. I feel so completely betrayed, and not by the usual suspects, but even by J for buying into the shit people who wanted him for themselves said. And then believing it... It snowballed. I sit here in fucking shock really. I just wanted something real. The obsticles I had to overcome because of the people in his life... I was set up to lose. I NEVER could have won. Let me repeat that: I was set up from day one to fail.
What else could I have done? What should I have been? All of my friends accepted Johnny. They knew he made me happy and that was good enough for them- and the one person who tried to sabotage it I dropped immediately because J was more important.
I'm a wreck for the first time in a week as I write this. I knew it was bad but not that bad. Maybe Johnny sabotaged it too. I think he was bored at the end. Obviously I knew the end was apon us, but it didn't make it easier.

I'm doing better in general though. Enough time is passing that I'm starting to have moments where I feel like my old self or I laugh. I feel guilty for a moment, but then I remind myself I'm allowed. I don't have to live as I have been forever.
God I miss him still though. No one can replace him. I don't want them to.
I'm sure he has Amber hanging around as a companion to help with his lonliness and soon I think it would be healthy if I found the same. I don't want to know if he's dating. It's too fucking soon for me. I have to be more well for the next one. (If there is a next one)And again, I don't want to get close to people if I know the time spent together may be short. So here I am.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I just needed to vent I guess. Thanks as always for listening. Doctor on the 12th to decide the next step in that department. I'm feeling more optomistic about it then I have been. Because, hey, what can I do but make the most of it. Mom's keeping me close, and Carrie's decided she's going to come to Seattle at the end of the month to spend time with me. (This is why I keep health shit to myself generally or only share it with the closest people. People change when they know something is up.)
The rain has stopped and the percocet is lovely, but it's making me tired. 2 hours sleep and stress is enough for now.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Xanax, RB, Stomach Pain

So I think the thing that clicked was the clonazepam. I took one last night because I was willing to try anything to help, and I really think it did.

If I'd had another one to take today I bet the feeling would have lasted longer than it did.

However, after eating today my stomach is cramping so mother fucking bad. Like, the stomach area just under my ribs. It hurt more than I can say. Maybe I overdid it. I'm hoping to sleep it off. I ate half a sandwhich for lunch, a lean cuisine, and part of a burrito. That is a lot more than I have eaten since the whole mess began. I don't wanna take a pain med because they are hard on your stomach and if it already hurts I'm afraid of making it worse. Maybe it was the tylenol I took earlier. Who fucking knows.

I tried to take my mind off of it by going to visit my friend Scott. He's in love with a girl who is dating Johnny's best friend now. It's so weird and such a small world. I think we may go to a show tomorrow night. I only feel safe hanging out with people who don't really want anything from me. Plus one of these days I'm hoping he'l help me record some of the stuff I've written. I haven't really written anything new in a month.

Xanax brain now. Thank God, because Ambien brain is fucking stupid and I hate it.

I'll write more when I'm more here. My stomach still hurts, but at least I'm very calm.

P.S- Bought "Get Him To The Greek" yesterday. Watching it. Love it. RB is fucking HILLARIOUS.

Saturday, October 2, 2010


YAY! A posiive entry...

So, something clicked for me last night. I won't give details but...

I am eating for the first time, on my own. I'm fucking sane today. Calm.

Christ how needed.

I hope it lasts all day.

My head hurts a little but it doesn't matter.

This feeling is natural. Devine.

Did I say I'm EATING?!? :D First day I'm not scaring myself in ages. No tears.


Friday, October 1, 2010

Quiet Brain

So I was gunna write another moody post to sort of secretly express my feelings (secrets are the best I can do these days, and holy shit my arm just popped outta socket...)


I read SB's blog and found myself laughing, and shit to be if laughing isn't the best medicine.

I'm 3/4 of the way through 1.5 liters of white wine. I was serious about drinking tonight it seems. Not as drunk as I thought I'd be for the little amount I've been taking in lately. I'm watching movies I've already seen on HBO while reading simultaneously. And reading my friend's shit... And loving it.

I was reflecting today on my life. Everything. The collection of experiences I've been through.

I've been homeless, raped, pregnant, hungry, in a serious car accident, hit, talked down to, in the throws of a serious illness, fired wrongly, betrayed, lied to, cheated on, ignored, neglected, addicted, robbed...

All of this shit is negative. I don't know what life can throw at me other than like, beaten within an inch of my life. (Cross my fingers that never happens.) But at the same time... Is this the shit that makes life interesting? Is this the shit that people read about and find entertaining? Interesting? If I were following the rules I believe in (based on spirituality) Am I taking on lessons- more than one at a time? Maybe I'm really fucking misguided. I'm a bitch. I swear the magnetism inside me is false. A curse. Nice people are fucking weak. I'm weak. And for about ten minutes I was angry. I hardly recognized it. I'm working steps- I'm not even aware what I'm going through. I wish... I WISH sometimes I felt angry. Like, I just allowed it. I wish sometimes I could take it out on someone and let one person know how angry I could be, under the surface. But I can't, and I don't. Nay, couldn't. I'd feel too guilty. Guilt is worse than anger. It's something to consider anyway.

Maybe I should have drank more over the last few weeks because I'm finally craving food. Edamame sounds killer right now. Tangent.

Anyway I'm writing because everybody's asleep. I'm curious as usual. I think I'll make a spinach salad. Now that I've written and drinking maybe my brain will be quiet for a few moments. That is the reason I write generally. To quiet my brain. That's why it's rare I wrote while off in realtionship land. Because that was a good place to be.

So are my friend's blogs.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Mad (at me)


Here is where I wish the whole truth lay but I'm afraid I can't disclose everything.

I was in the hospital again Tuesday. I'm going back to SLC for the weekend on the 7th. I'm going to be out on Camano with my Dad as soon as it works out for awhile. Dad wants me near while I'm going through this. It'll be nice to be around him again.

I'm mad at my body. I'm mad at this depression stage in the middle of everything. I'm tired of crying. I miss myself. I fucking wish I knew how to fix what's going on.
I've been honest with my bassist Josh and asked him to keep it on the dl for now. Since it's going to affect the future of the band. I couldn't be more upset about that.

For now I'm shut up in my room, as I have been. If I get close to anyone at this point, I'll hurt them. I know my friends who are clued in even a little want to help me, but really there's nothing they can do. And of course there's always that deep seeded longing for... I don't know what he wants. I just ache and miss him every day. I hope he knows how much I care for him. Fuck, I say it all the time. That won't fade with time. He has so many people that care for him I wonder if he sees that as well. I'm a little jealous to be honest. It takes a lot to build a support system like that. Sometimes I think that he thinks love doesn't exist.
Hell I dunno... Maybe he's right. I know I feel it. Felt it. I know I've been broken in two by it. But I'm so easy to leave. Maybe that's because nobody can really feel it for me.
This isn't a "poor me" bit. This is genuine curiostiy. Maybe love only exists for some people. Maybe I had my shot and it's over and that's it.
I don't have enough walls built up. I'm sensitive to fucking everything. I'm tired. I wish I had the fuck you attitude I pretend to have sometimes when I'm drunk and fucking around. I like me better that way. But that's just me indulging in who I wish I was.

I'm exhausted. I need to take my pills and call my mother. My sister even spent some time texting me today. Strange times. When something ends it just means something else begins. But what if that beginning is the begining of an ending?

I'm returning to O Fins tomorrow I think. My memories there are happy. I spent a lot of time there in happier times. If I can feel that again for a few hours that'd be good.

Later. I wish I could limit myself to writing again only when I have something positive to say... But maybe tomorrow will provide that. If not we'll have to wait and see.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Fat ass

Chelsea's bday- first night out officially again.

Strange night.

Someone called me a fat ass.

Since I lost weight I find this interesting.

How much longer should I starve?

Just wondering.

No food til Brooklyn.

14 lbs now...

Thursday, September 23, 2010

From the desk of a sarcastic bastard

(I just loved this.)

If I want to feature poetry on this blog, I damn well will! Any of my readers who don't like it, can fuck off. Go watch Jersey Shore instead! Go be an ignorant bitch. See if I give a shit.

Dirge Without Music

I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely.
Crowned With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, --but the best is lost.
The answers quick and keen, the honest look,
the laughter, the love,
-- They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses.
Elegant and curled Is the blossom.
Fragrant is the blossom.
I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave,
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

--Edna St. Vincent Millay

[Edna and I do not fucking approve, and our asses are not resigned.]

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Off Planet

I'm back. For a sec.

I've been told to avoid any and all stress for the moment if at all possible. So I'm cooling my heels and taking it easy.

I've lost 13+ lbs in 2 weeks. I wish the circumstances were different, but the likelyhood this will continue is probable I'm told. (Not that I mind this particular aspect.)

I slept last night, straight through, no pills for 8 hours. It was the first time since I can remember. Before that though I was running on 2 hours a night.

I'm still having really intense nightmares. I'm not sure how to change that right now.

I'm wondering where to go now, and what to do from here. The future is wide open at this point. I tried too hard to push myself into new social situations though. Looking for work, not to mention other bands. My hormones were running amok since quitting the B.C. My blood pressure spiked. I broke. It was the perfect storm... So figuring out what my future holds and how to take care of myself so I don't make myself sick again is tricky. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm gunna do for an hour. That's how I have to do it right now. And eventually plan what I want for the time I have.

I've quit drinking as much. And by that I mean pretty much entirely. The last night I drank was 2 drinks.

I'm trying to slowly take the steps I need to get better and back to me. A different me. Better me. One that makes wiser decisions about friends. That doesn't do that pill thing around anyone else ever again. God I made some terrible mistakes with that. :(

I'm still not ready to be in the world again yet. I'm officially still OFF the face of the planet. I can't give anyone anything still. Yet.

I think about Johnny all the time. I hope all the time he's doing well and that he finds his way through this shit better than I am. I miss his friendship all the time too. I miss laughing everyday at least once. I'd settle for a laugh a week now... But these are dark definitive times. (Sanz Panda.)

Back to my plan. For the next hour I'm watching "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." Then... Then I think I may try and sleep again. Tomorrow will be a hard day.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Sarah is my Angel

Sarah is my angel...

Because she's explained things to me in a rational way.
Because she's answering my questions.
Because she'd being honest and open with her experiences.
Because she recognized something.

I didn't realize I had such a good friend. Thank God for her.
I think I'm ok.
I'm understanding the symptoms. I understand what I'm going through in a way that makes sense now. I was having real physical stuff going on. I was scared. I mean... I've never been there before. Felt that. What the hell was that?!?

I'm ok for now you guys. I don't want to give away too much, but Kate may be dissappearing for a little while. If at all possible not. But that was scary shit.

I may keep this private. It's really huge. And I believe in complete honesty; but this may need to be one for just me.

If you don't hear from me just know I'm gunna be ok. I just wasn't. Especially you SB. I'll send you an email if circumstances change.

I don't pray: but watch over Sarah; she just may have saved my life. (And not because I was going to kill myself.)What a fucker stress is...

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Friday, September 17, 2010


I remember getting the bright idea to do the weekend thing we did sometimes where we'd spend the day driving to Wyoming for Cloves.
We stopped for gas near Park City at those pumps that have the talking news. He'd gone inside for a candy bar and when he came back and it started talking it startled him so much he threw the candy bar at it.
His expression was timeless. I giggled out loud. I was happy we were together again. I didn't mind it when we laid around and had intense conversations. And we did that pretty frequently. We were intense people, and driven by each other and our passions we became more intense. We loved it at this point. We were certain of our future together. We wanted each other. It was the singular moment in time I knew for certain I was the only girl he had.
That weekend though I wanted us to get out. Get air. Spend some time debating each other in the car as usual on Depeche Mode lyrics, or just hold hands and joke around about life and our friends, and our plans for October and forever. He told me he dreamt of it sometimes. He dreamt as often as I did, and could recall his dreams beter than I. I don't know how much of it was true, but it was romantic and I didn't care about the fantasies he spun. I cared only about the hurtful lies. I actually loved the fantasies.
That day was not to be at all as I expected. We were talking about the future and at some point I started talking about when he was going to finalize his divorce. He was practically living at my place at that point. Taking my car to work everyday. It set him off as it always did and we spent part of the drive fighting. We were over it by the time we got to Evanston. We got to the cigarette store excited as could be. That was until I realized I'd locked the keys in my car. I'd told no one where we were going and we were in a completely different state. He told me not to panick. So we waited for the cops to show and put the hanger in the car to pop the lock. We sat jovial again smoking our beloved cloves, his a black- mine a menthol.
When we got back into the car an hour later we stopped at the diner in town for dinner. It was the one and only time I've smoked in a restaurant. It was liberating. I bought a shot glass in the diner that day and we walked across the street to the bar hooked to the liquor store. We played pool and somebody put Nickelback on the jukebox. He beat me, as he always did. And we drank Jager bombs as we always did. It was such a day.
On the drive home I realized I'd gone through half of the cloves I bought as I twirled my ring on my finger. Holding the cig out the window I felt the cool night air brushing my hand. Sleep Theif played quietly in the background and I was content. We were headed home together and had survived not only an argument but a misadventure.
It was one of our last, but I loved it.

Withdrawal again

Not only am I dealing with the break up now I'm withdrawaling.

That night with the Xanax. I don't have enough to keep me sane. So I thought I'd write.

I can describe the symptoms of Xanax withdrawal. But it blows. And it's mostly in your guts.

Since we are doing the show on Saturday I'm hoping this is a 24 hour thing, like some have been before. I did take one, my last and it helped the symptoms, but didn't stop them.

On a happier note Johnny sent me an email earlier apologizing for the other night. It really changed the day. I don't feel so bad. I was doing well today too. I hadn't cried. I made it to practice. I didn't play the music that would have made me worse. I went to bed at 12:30. But I woke up at 3:30 and realized again I was alone. Even though things are better with us, I don't have him.
Then the withdrawal really started, cuz I had avoided the Xanax the last twos night after drinking shots (I'm not sure why) and the night before because... I can't remember. Anyway I was asking for trouble.
So I don't really get brownie points yet for not crying cuz there were a few tears.

The heart ache is harder to bare than the physical shit I'm now going through though. How people kick junk I'll never understand. This is one of the most uncomfortable feelings I've ever had, and heroin is way harder. It's less intense then the anxiety you feel from cocaine, but it's constant and lasts longer. I'm hoping I can get back to sleep in a couple hours. I have to meet up with a new band around 10pm tonight. Feeling it out. Anyway this is either the third or fourth time I've been through it. As long as I'm not stupid like I was it doesn't happen. I switch meds as soon as the withdrawal begins but usually I have enough meds to slowly taper. Again, being of a different breed, the lack of oxytocin probably isn't helpful.

I'm done writing again. Night guys. Hope you all are doing beautifully.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

I feel

Maybe if I lay against this pillow long enough I'll be ok...

But I still feel the same.

I haven't eaten. I can't. I forgot how to do that for myself.

Moving to this place was problematic.

Because I don't know where a store is nearby.

And I don't have the strength or energy to find one.

I feel dead.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


(Listen perhaps? As I relate? This is what I was feeling as I wrote.)

It's 9:40 as I write this blog. 9:40. The day has passed on.

Funny I should use that phrase.

I "prayed" for awhile today, if you can call it that. I closed my eyes and laid in bed numb and asked all the forces of the universe to let Johnny know I love him. Just to keep him from hurting as I was. To ask for strength for myself.

Because last night I sent him a text asking what was up. I'd left him completely alone the day before to see if he'd text. He didn't. When he hadn't texted back by 3am I asked him if I'd done something wrong. He said no he was drunk. Then I told him I thought he was getting drunk a lot and I was worried about him. Then he got angry. And I found out why he has been resenting me. He thinks I'm hanging out with a crowd of people I'm not really. He had heard rumors of stuff that he hadn't asked me about or confirmed. But held over my head. He told me he wanted nothing more from me.

I didn't think my heart could break anymore... How often is it I'm to be surprised by how much deeper this can get?

I called my mom hysterical at 3:30 am. I told her what was going on. (Well, I left out the part about the people being associated with coke- but that would scare her unnecessarily.) She listened sympathetically. It reminded me a lot of the conversation we'd had at 4am the day I found out for sure Chris was married. I was a wreck that day too.

What Mom told me broke my heart too; "every time you reach out to him he hurts you. Do you WANT to keep doing that to yourself? Why is it so important to keep in touch if all he can do is hurt you now?"

Then she used the phrase I knew she would "you need to pretend he's dead."

And told her I didn't think I could.

He promised me we'd be different, if we broke up. He PROMISED ME. I want his friendship. I don't know what he wants from me. All I feel now though is he just doesn't care. If he can turn his heart off so quick and for such foolish reasons then he never loved me. That's how it feels. And I'm sure I won't be hearing about his real feelings towards me anytime soon.

Why is he so mad at me? He crushed me! What the hell have I done to deserve any of this?

Perhaps there is nothing as my friends say. And he's creating a world where it's easier to feel angry about you.

My world withers, and dies away. Not because I'm doing drugs. Fuck that world. I die because I feel as if there's nothing left inside. I don't watch our old programs. I don't do anything that contstitutues as "Johnny and Kate."

That world I guess is a bridge that should wither and burn just as my soul is.

It's 2:47 am now and everyone I know told me I should go out. That it would make me feel better, so I did.

I fucking drank shots since the first time I was 23. Fuck those people who thought being at a bar would make me feel better.

The bar felt familiar. Like home. Fuck home right now. Am I supposed to feel gracious there was a spot that Johnny and I went together?

Am I supposed to rejoice in the fact no matter what I do he doesn't want anything to do with me?

Yup. And all I feel are the holes in my heart.

I'm calling my mom again even though it's too late

There's what this blog feels to me...

I love him. I miss him.

Maybe he's keeping his distance because he must. Maybe he's keeping it because he wants it. Maybe...

Maybe it just is what it is.

I know at the Hula I cried more than laughed.

My life now is some exotic life of trying to ignore or calm the pain.

How to end this one...

I love my Johnny. I miss him every waking moment. And I'm tired of waking and crying. For him. I miss our friendship.

He's allowed to feel. Whatever.

I feel like the song I posted.

My life is over. Not physically: But my soul can't do music anymore.

We may be cancelling our show. I'll let you know...


Tuesday, September 14, 2010


Welcome to this world.

Welcome to this design.

Do you know me here?

I fucking don't. My stomach aches. My brain is fucked. Can't nothing fix this, is there darling? :)

Am I sad? Upset? Nope. This is the place I don't give a fuck except for the one where I made it home safely.

Thank fuck for that.

I know I have practice in 7 hours. I know I'm supposed to be cool calm and collected.

I know who I'm supposed to be.

Not sure I could fill her shoes now, even if needed.

Who the fuck is Kate Sparrow anyway?

I think she's sone version of someone I created. Is she real?

Yep. I created Sparrow to feel for me. There's nothing left of the person I dropped when I created Sparrow. The name replaced is nothing. She was some girl I killed long ago because frankly, she needed death. If she hadn't made such a fuckery of her life she may still exist. But she was dorky. She was socially inept. She was... Clueless. And now she's dead. To me. To everyone I hope.

Now... That's not to say Sparrow is a good person. She tries. She has her ups and downs. She loves deeply. She feels deeply. She writes deeply. That other girl? Some virgin version of someone I could never keep round. Everyone made her what she was- a loser.
Who wants to be a loser forever? No one.

So Sparrow started REALLY writing music. And making friends. And being some sort of something. People liked Sparrow, because she was nothing like the girl she had replaced. And Sparrow adapted to the world she was supposed to, given her enviornment. She never stopped loving anyone she cared for. Not for an instance.
In fact those few precious people burned into her soul like wildfire. Those who were there before- and after.
She clung to them as her life changed. They were not lovers. Just loves. People given the chance she would defend to death. She would have done, and still do anything for them.
They stay as so many others leave. The people believed constant meerly gypsies in this play. Truth is a harsh mistress, as is trust.

As the transformation progressed Sparrow realized what the realism was, and what the fake shit she was involved in. She was playing some part because she believed it to be something that went with who she wanted to be.

Wanted to be, yes. But she lacked all that made the life real. So she stopped. Foolish she felt, that life had never suited her anyway. Yet somehow she knew it would haunt her, and she knew why....

The days played on. She wrote. She loved. She even died. But not even death could keep her from her ultimate goal: musical domination.

Domination is such a strong word. What she wanted was someone to understand her lyrics. Her truth. She wanted her truth to reach others as so many had reached her. She wanted to help. Could she?

Still a truth that can not be told. There's still so much left out of the lyrics. A life full, brimming even, begging to be written. Aah yes, a complicated life without the words it seems. But the lyrics written deep, and full, and often dark as the life she'd known had been.

Too many experiences, too little time. Perhaps it wouldn't be right to write of it all? Perhaps that would simply be too much.

I think that this entry is not for broken hearts. More of real life.

Perhaps there is music out there that speaks to the exact emotion of what she or anyone is feeling. Find that truth. Be strong. Take heart.

Monday, September 13, 2010

End in Tears

It's amazing. My favorite band comes to town, and I'd rather talk about how fucked up I am.

I was gunna go to Portland today to go after them, but... I woke up and I didn't have the heart. I went back to sleep. And I slept til it was dark. And now that my sleep is completely backwards I officially know my life is upsidedown.

I woke up and felt terrible about myself. I almost feel like I'm just indulging in this and if I were a stronger person I'd be better at this whole thing. I know deep down I'm not indulging. Deep down I should be understanding to myself and whisper to the scared little girl with the bottle in her hand that it's gunna be ok. But because I have a disorder that wants to destroy me the second anything unstable comes along- instead of whispering, it screams at me "do it! do it! Pull the fucking trigger!" And I wish I could tell that voice to go to hell like all normal people.

But this break up is different than the last. When Chris and I broke up I hung out with Ian, Carley, Dane and Laura almost everyday. I was hardly ever alone. They helped me stay busy and out of the broken mindset. It helped again, because they were a safe crowd. No drugs. Just drinks and karaoke. And I did my best to be a good person through it all. I tried calling Chris a few times. He never answered. I tried hard to keep distance because I knew that's what he wanted. (And what Jae Cee wanted.) But some nights I would text desperately. Hating myself for doing so.
The first time I saw him after the breakup was the last time I saw him before I moved here- to return his stuff. We talked for a few minutes. Then I said I had to go. And the next morning I kissed SLC goodbye.

I started dating pretty quickly when I got here. I had no friends, and no options being new. Simon was the first guy I kinda liked. But that quickly became dramatic and I realized was going nowhere. Then I met Frank, and again knew that was going nowhere. I think part of it was timing though. Because a year passed between my break up and meeting my Johnny. (Can I still call him mine?) I really wanted Johnny and I to be something special. He was special. I knew it the first time I laid eyes on him. It took time and patience, but he came around I guess you'd say. And I was thrilled. I remember the moment he asked me to be his girlfriend and how it felt and how surprised I was and incredible that moment was. I also knew in that moment it wouldn't be forever, and that I should treasure it and what we were then. It went by so fast. Just as I knew it would too.

I don't want to move on. I don't want to feel this horrible gasping pain in my brain and heart anymore. I don't want to meet someone new. I want Johnny. My heart aches. I want only him...

So The Dreaming were amazing on stage. Chris sang to me at one point. My ears are ringing. But then the new member asked me if I could get coke. I said yes, which my friend Chelsea overheard and decided to make a scene about my driving anywhere, even though at that point, I was fine. She completely embarassed me. Time ran on and they left for Burien, and I said I couldn't go to Burien for him. So again, my night was tainted. I guess I was hoping it would live up to the show at Studio Seven that was so fucking amazing... But I was let down. And then I walked back to my car alone. Alone alone alone fucking alone.
I walked right past where I would park for Johnny and I started to cry. AGAIN. I can't seem to stop. I texted him and then he said something about talking to the programmer or bar tender instead (implying he'd read the blog) which completely put a dagger through my heart. How he could have the audacity to say something so hurtful... Those people don't have names here. They aren't important. I met them after we broke up. Christ. They are nothing. Not even that. Trouble. Shit I should be avoiding.

I called him in a desperate attempt for clarity knowing damn well he would give me none. He wouldn't answer the phone. I was fucking hysterical in my car at that point. I have one feeling lately and the cause is because I no longer have him. And I'm a fucking mess trying to figure shit out. I don't want to sleep alone. But I don't want to sleep with anyone but him. I haven't even touched another man. I'm stopping the birth control because what's the fucking point?

I need someone to talk to. I need someone to really fucking listen. I need things I can't have at this point. I haven't even been drinking as much surprisingly. I thought I'd be drinking more. But it's so much work to leave my bedroom to go buy the wine which eventually makes me feel worse anyway. I want a shit load of xanax. I'm already almost out, but that is of course thanks to last sunday. Or whichever day my brilliant plan failed. (Again, vodka next time.)I've thought about calling the clinic and saying I'm an addict, but I'd have to practice my acting skills in order to get what I'm after.

I'm watching me do this to myself. I'm watching me pull away from the world. I'm watching as the hours tick by on sheets that need to be washed and I can't be bothered because the stairs are so far away and I'm too damn tired. All the time. Fuck this. What can I do to "kickstart my heart?"

This is what plays in my head. And all I hear is my ears ringing.

And I miss him.

And I'm stopping Hula nights. (I don't care much if I dissapoint anyone now. My usual friends that would go all are dating someone now anyway. I can't be around anyone else's happiness. It makes my misery worse. Sick I know.)

Nobody can ever hear me sing at Flash Suppressor shows because they play too loud. I'm tired of screaming. Nobody cares about the lyrics that are my soul because nobody hears them. If I can't be heard what's the point? I'm thinking of pulling that trigger too.

The truth at the end of the day is I don't know how to take care of myself. I was never held or coddled over. Nobody taught me to be gentle to me.

But I gaurantee you I tried to do something every single day to make Johnny happy. If it was letting him play his game, or trying to cook for him a couple times, or trying to make him laugh. I usually let him chose the bars and the places we'd go. I tried to show him affection and love, and never said a harsh insult during a fight. I think the one he took to heart was when I pointed out that he was "cold." But that was something I said to try to make a point about his behavior. I think it hurt him. I'm sorry if he did hurt.
All I wanted to do was love him, treat him well, and take care of him. I hope he knows that. Because I don't know if the other girls he was with ever did. It doesn't sound like it- I hope he finds exactly what he wants in the future in that sense. I hope he does better than his other exs. I love him. I want him to have everything he wants.

And now I'm tired big surprise. Depression is exhausting. I won't sleep. But I can't cry anymore right now.

Saturday, September 11, 2010


I wanna call him. I wanna say every stupid thing in my brain right now. I wish he'd listen.

I don't have anyone to talk to right now outside of this stupid blog. I feel like I lost the most important person in my family.

I'm not good at being alone. I already had somebody else want to have the relationship talk. I can't right yet. But I do want to start exploring my options again. This is just how I function. There's a bar tender, and a video game investor. I'm speaking to others. I'm meeting people. And yet I wake up miserable and cry myself to sleep at night still.

Am I pushing myself too hard? Something has to fucking fill my time.

Anyway- The Dreaming is in town tomorrow. I gotta get some sleep. I have a very long exciting day ahead of me. I just wish it hadn't been tainted.


Friday, September 10, 2010

Missing Me

If you saw my legs you wouldn't understand either. I certainly don't. It takes 5 pics to cover the bruises. What is it I am doing to myself? Is it subconscious?

My life circles in circles. In circles.

It sucks.

I have to change it yet again.

I'm hoping to sleep. It's 11:22 am now. My stomach hurts. I just had a 2 hour conversation with a roomie. I don't know if she knew I was dealing with the physical shit I wish I hadn't done.

My brain hurts too. So do my legs. Fuck it, I guess everything does now.

The words of the last doctor appointment swirl in my head and I think "Kate, your brain has never been normal, and will never BE normal. You must come to accept this."

Which basically means pills forever, and I have to quit doing stupid fucking shit. Which was fine. I was ready to leave that fucking life forever. But how is it exactly one mends a broken heart?

How does one come to accept that normal is never an option? Never has been. Never will be?

I am hoping the feeling overtaking me now is calm and my stomach will go fuck itself.

I miss me.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Ramble - Rearview

I hate country music. But...

sorry you'll have to copy and paste. ???

It's weird, but somehow that is fucked up love to me.

Today I suppose things were a little easier. I only had 2 crying fits, though as usual one was when I woke up in the morning.

I reactivated my ok cupid account. I looked around. I'm disgusted. Every time I look at someone I think "they could never even hold a candle to my Johnny." How he could possibly believe the bullshit about cheating is beyond me. I spoke about him at the meeting. How hard it is to trust men in general and finding one who could be monogamous was again, beyond me. But I was THANKFUL.

And then the thought occurs to me he's probably moved on already.

I know for a fact when I woke up every morning and looked at his sleeping beautiful face and thanked whatever entity for allowing him to be in my life, that he never felt that.

I know when I told him how lucky I thought we were to be in love in such a beautiful city he thought I was being rediculous.

I know I feel like running. As far from this city and these memories as possible.

I know now- for certain- you can believe something to be so precious, to hold it, to taste it and be TRULY grateful - And like every other single damn lesson in my life it leaves me.


Maybe that's the lesson I ahould be learning here.

Gaurd up. Good luck finding the real me anytime soon any man ever again. You have your work cut out for you.

Fuck this entry and fuck me.

'I looked in my rearview- and now I don't see you'

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


Somethings in this life are worth fighting for. I hate confrontation but I'll do it as necissary. I'd always fight for love. For passion. Truth. Beauty. Those that need help fighting for themselves. I'd fight.

I'd fight. I fight tonight my own personal demons because dammit that's worth fighting for too.

Sarcastic Bastard

To the beautiful sarcastic bastard-

you are one of my favorite mother fuckers in my world, in this life.

I hope you know this.

Thank you for giving a shit about me.



Tuesday, September 7, 2010


I'm keeping this short as my plan last night epically failed.

I had this vision of Johnny and me. Panda bears. Eating bamboo. Chilling. Making life simple like that. Him and me. And fuck the world.

Tonight I I will sleep with my panda shirt that will always remind me of us.

Thursday I'm changing my life and then I'm leaving for awhile.

For now this is all I have to say.

X to the A will save me tonight.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

It. Love you my dears

Hello my darlings.

Those of you who know how to find this blog, there are so few of you anyway, I'm sure it is safe to say what I have to say next.

I bought 2 bottles of wine last night. Drank one, and realized I wasn't quite drunk enough to go through with my plans so I took my 2 Xanies and slept today. I'm exhausted now too but I'm afraid I'll need at least 2 bottles tonight as well. I wish I had a drinking partner. It makes it easier. But then they'd try and talk me out of what needs to be done I think.

I'm not unhappy. I'm not suicidal per say. I'm tired my friends. So tired. My broken heart knows deep down, as it has know before it can never truly mend. I have learned I can not trust. My broken body aches like hell everyday.
My heart also knows deep down that friends care for me. That were my presence missing things would be different. Just as I miss Matt, Canyon. Michael, Orrin, Meggie, Adam, Christian... The list goes on.
I would hope to my truest friends would raise a toast to me, my life.
The things I tried to accomplish, the things I did manage.

Getting back home. Working on my band. Being the best friend I could. Being the best girlfriend I could because I have loved so deeply. Without hesitation. Without remorse. I hope Johnny knows that. I know that as time would go on the natural way of things I'd see him less, and as the last man I'll trust or love in such a way he has a part of my soul no other man can have. or touch. I'd sream his name. It doesnt fix this. Make him happy. Or me.

There is nothing I can do.

So since we started this I have had my planned two bottles of wine. We went to Mecca. Had a few. Made sure anytime any unpleasant emotions cam came up we drank. Came hom to by blessed Xanax, We'r up to 15 now. It's hard to type. I'm hope the calm comes.

I hope the people who would read this would understand this has nothing to do my sweet J who has been nothing but wonderful and tried to understand.

I LOVE YOU ALL. More than you knows dearies. Do muisc. Be happy. Try hard. I BELIEVE IN YOU

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Shit pittance


This is usually the night we go to karaoke together. Being there without him was almost unbearable. I mean, I was really ok. Speaking to our usual bar-staff friends. Then the karaoke dj Mikey took me in his arms and said "it'll be ok" and fucking a. That's when the tears brimmed my eyes. I stopped them. I wouldn't let them. I have given into god damn tears too many times since Sunday.

Surprisingly, about ten of my friends came out. I suppose they were showing a front for me, supporting me and I really, really am thankful. I sometimes forget I have touched people ever. I mean that. Like, I have NO idea the impact I've had on people or the world. The 250 + friends on facebook are some accomplishment I suppose- But it doesn't register. I wish sometimes I'd touch people - My music. That it would register, but it never occurs to me that my stupid shit kindness has ever meant shit pittance to anybody.

I wonder if the people that have passed in my own life realize the importance they've had not only to me, but others. I wonder if they think "christ, maybe that one person I met once will be even a little sad I'm gone." I know, fucking sad thing to say, but I do wonder it. I read today passing through Everett on one of the signs that one of the regulars at my old bar 'O' Finnigans' had passed. I knew her. Barely really. But I passed and I was sad for a moment. Would she remember me? Remember my name?

Went to the doctor today. Was in a state getting up, had a real hard time. Yes, the insomniac is clinging to the bed like some sort of mother figure. The doctor took mercy as I wished and perscribed me my blessed apricot relief. Oh fuck me. I'm putting off sweet relief right now to right this stupid entry which I'm writing on a whim, and may delete on a similar whim later. I can taste the bitterness. I hate it. I crave it. No, I know better. I'm not addicted. But I know I can't share. And in this small orange bottle lays some lover I've romanced before, and accepted. And denied. To feel that peace is something I wonder if I deserve.

Johnny said we could speak if he wasn't drinking. I dropped it after he said so. I assumed the wine was more important. I do not blame him. What I want to ask; say is more than I likely could in a simple phonecall. And in his position I would do the same. What I have to say to him is a mystery to his ears. How does he know an apology lays on my lips? Truth? Hope? Agony?

I can not let go. My head, my eyes, and my heart ache. I have practice tomorrow for my band and I know we'll be playing his song. I'm wondering how to get through. The best option I can muster is to smaile big and think of puppies. And yes, I'm a fucking idiot because I know anywhere I look I'll see him. And then I wonder how ANY professional performer gets paid when they go through a personal crisis. Then I remember I'm getting paid no matter what. Romanticide was a stupid idea. I cursed myself. Why write something based on the past bad shit?
Oh yeah. Cuz that's what I do.

Ok to those of you who can't understand, who don't read this. This is my memory. Today's gone. I'm reaching to my only solace. Short ending. Fuck it. Be happy. Love hard. Life is short.


Write soon.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Predicting 'haunting me'

So the inevitable has happened and Johnny and I have decided to be on a break since Sunday. Sunday I gathered my things locked myself in my room and cried for hours.

This entry is going to be decidedly negative. I've lost my happiness. My zest for life, and the oxytocin in my brain that has kept me level and happy with my baby, my love.

Things had gotten increasingly hard the last little while with him. I reached a point about 2 weeks ago where I realized nothing I did, or any of my actions or ideas I could explian so he could understand. I knew after the fight on the 14th that with the words he said I could never go back. We could never back. The things he said echoed in my head breaking me. Aching. He called me names, he yelled, it was the worst fight we'd ever had in my opinion. I woke up the next morning feeling evil. Like I had hurt him, victimized him, and even though deep down I can't believe that; I couldn't shake the feeling. All, all, all, I did was love him.

Then the last 2 days I have retreated back into my illness. I realize with no stabilizing force, and no therapy I can not control the urge to self destruct. I don't really wanna talk about that aspect right now, though I will likely.

What I want to say is how I forgotten how abnadoned I'd feel. Helpless. How the crying fits will break you apart and render you functionless. I lay in my bed now. Numb.

I diliberately cut myself. And it wasn't the fake kind I've done when drunk that never works, that hasn't broken my sobrity in my opinion. This was full on rage on my arm. My body wracking with sobs I did the only thing I knew would calm me. I ripped me to shreds. 4 deep cuts. Im surprised that I feel no guilt about it. It's probably the first pain for pleasure satisfaction I have felt in many, many years.

I want to talk about my dear sweet Johnny. The man I couldn't cheat on ever. He does not understand that even now, I can not give my body to another man. It really goes back to being raped, and I'm sorry that's even a case. But I trust him, he's the only man I can say that about. He hasn't betrayed me. He has been there.

But dear god I ache for him to touch me some times. Just to show me some tenderness. I suppose I'm asking a lot of him to ask him to help rewrite what I know of the world: That ultimately men are tender when they want something, and cruel once they've had it. Do men ever really love women?

Fuck, he has all the power too in this. I'm waiting like a god damn horse in a stable anxiosuly awaiting the next time I'll see him, like a race. I can't move until he says so, and apparently I fucked up AGAIN without knowing I was making a mistake.

In the midst of my depression I decided to make another ok cupid profile just to see if anyone would even be interested in me. Weight gained, year older. People wrote and it validated my self esteem but Johnny found it before we had time to talk about it. I disabled the account as I had no plan to talk to anyone, or use it for anything. I'm too depressed for sex. I don't want anyone but my panda. I don't even wanna masterbate. So not me.

I had this dream last night where I was dying, I'd been shot. My sister was there, and she grabbed my hand and she was crying. I whispered to her "it's your job to let Johnny know he has my heart, I know I won't see him again. Please do this for me." And she agreed. And I could like feel like draining out of me as I woke up. I layed in bed til 6pm. In and out of consciousness. I didn't care. Tomorrow I pray, pray the doctor gives me the good drugs. The ones that magically make me feel better, until I can write out this letter I'm planning to give him with everything I want to say.

I'M SO SORRY BABY. How did we get here? Why couldn't we talk more when we had it?

He doesn't trust me now because of the letter Frank gave Johnny. That changed everything too I guess. I fight that damn bullshit everyday. I haven't even hung with my guyfriends much. I have been there whenever, and wherever for him and if he has said "dont do that I dont appreciate it" or ANYTHING I change it. I want him to be as happy as possible. As comfortable as possible. I have to fucking earn his trust everyday and it's rediculous. Does he just not understand the depths of my feelings and how that translates into a no cheating scenario ever?

I need to go to bed but my head is haunted. Fuck me for writing those lyrics.

"and if you go
you'd take all I have
you have all the best of me
and if you go
you won't really leave
you'd always be haunting me"

Here's to you. Haunting my head. My dreams. Just as I predicted. You are my goodness. I need you. This is torture. Fucking torture.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Long Entry x2

*I started writing this entry last Sunday. It's turned into a major project. Just a heads up.*

Wow. Two entries in 2 days. I'm back to qualify the last entry. The last entry was written as my brain was starting to succumb to Ambien. I hadn't been drinking. But I was pretty pissed off. The anger came from a place of fear. Well, maybe not if I'm honest.

I have been the "nice" girl for so long and I'm sick to death of it. I don't exactly realize what's going on with my body, but I can tell in the last week with some of the things I've said and done, I'm surprising myself. I want to be the kind of person people can respect. Why should I have to like everybody? I fucking don't. Some people aren't worth keeping in your life.

Fuck, I really think that putting my foot down and not living with Deb was the first thing I've done in a long time to take care of me. It didn't destroy me in guilt like I thought it would.

And yes, I suppose it sucks that Amber made it so that Chris and Nicole are wary of me (don't even say hello) but I'm not in a relationship with them. I don't want to be apathetic here, but Johnny is the one I want to make happy, and I try. I still wish he'd be more affectionate, and I've vocalized this but as he's said it's just not him. He did make noises last week about wanting to do more things with me. Movies and such, which hopefully means less computer time and more time for us to talk and be friends. I'm giving him Saturday- Tuesday this week to be by himself. He gave me an extra day last week to be at his place as a starting place to apartment hunt which I'm grateful for. Starting at my old local would just stress me to no end.

Look at how much better I am at writing blogs after a full nights sleep? More structured and less mistakes. Wow.

Anyway, outside of my anger in the last blog I forgot to mention that J and I haven't had a real fight in like, over a month too. I'm not like, unhappy with him right now or anything. I was impressed and happy he asked me to help him at the vet with Leia. It did so much for me. I honestly thought he'd default to Amber but he didn't. It made me sort of re-establish my role and I got to play care taker to his emotions and the cat. We went to sushi for lunch one day as well, and I adore doing that with him.
I haven't had the desire to drink as much this week either, though my craving for french toast has been surmounting. :)

(This next part promises to be long as they usually are when I'm mulling over my past and trying to find some self awareness: my apologies.)

I also want to address another thing on my mind: and that is how recovery is going in the bpd department. This is very personal and I'm... well... just read.

A. The first qualifier is desperate attempts to avoid abandonment. (Due to the fact we were abandoned on more than one occasion in our youth likely.)

I don't associate any of my real trauma with my Dad. I do remember that moving away from my grandparents when I was 5 to Oregon was pretty hard. (I found out just this last year that they never really wanted to babysit for us and that was a real strain on my parents marriage.) But I don't harbor like, abandonment issues over that either I don't think. I remember constantly, desperately trying to get my moms attention and approval. It becoming rather difficult to get the positive kind when we got to Oregon. Mom was miserable. I started doing well in school and making friends but I remember wanting to spend a lot of time at Brandon's house across the street after. (Besides, he had a Nintendo.) There's a lot of sort of twisted round about stuff in there I'm sure about when I first noticed Mom favoring Carrie and realizing in my 7 year old mind I was gunna have to play second fiddle my whole life. Anyway, yeah, abandonment.
When we moved back to Utah at 10 I started creating abandonment. I'm not sure if it was to get used to it, or because I was playing out my trauma, but I switched schools every year practically. I switched friends pretty regularly. I didn't do anything to avoid it, desperate or not. I embraced it, and that was likely the beginning of it all.

*I don't feel like this is a problem so much. I'm much less of a self sabotager than I used to be, though I still seem to from time to time. I can't say I'm better off, but it's not the worst of the symptoms.

B. Creating instable or intense relationships (Because this was the only kind we knew)

Monkey see monkey do, you know? My main relationship was usually unstable, and always intense. My Dad traveled a lot, again, my mom was my mentor. One day It'd be ok to play wall ball against the garage, and the next I'd be grounded for doing so because it could break the garage or put a scuff mark on it or whatever. It made no sense.
The next day I'd fall off my bike and hurt myself and my mom would lovingly take care of my wounds. The next I'd have another accident and she'd scold me for an hour about riding dangerously. (Scold is a nice word.)

So when it came to my friendships I'd never go too deep. I became the girl with the mask when it came time to start forging relationships. I made jokes for and about everything. I became really bossy to my little sister (to which I'm eternally sorry and have apologized to her for) because she was the only person I could have any control over. I certainly had no control over my life. Plus I was probably jealous, and envious of her relationship with mom. I'm sure part of me took that out on her, which made our relationship unstable.
When I fell into the depression after the incident in the park, I couldn't wear the happy mask anymore, it was too much work. It felt like a lie, not just a glossy finish. I lost any friends I had because really, who wants to hang out with someone so damn miserable all the time? Yet I CRAVED human interaction. I just didn't know how to balance it all. I was incapable of balancing my emotions and social interactions. The "friends" I did make were ones my mom didn't approve of which made things worse. It made things stormy (intense) with everyone in my life at that point.

Then there was boys. I was boy crazy really early. It scared my mom. She didn't realize my psychology had been permanently damaged by a sick man in his forties trolling for little girls in a park. Even if it hadn't been for that I'd always gotten on with boys better. They liked to climb trees and play nintendo and ride bikes and get dirty. Playing with dolls and tea parties were rarely my thing. I didn't associate then that I was warmer towards boys because I loved my dad so much and he was a boy. Dad meant safety, stability, watching M.A.S.H on the couch together, basketball. So my boy relationships were always better than my girl ones. So when I got my first crush on a boy named Chris Robinette I wasn't exactly prepared when he liked me back. (And wanted me to do things I wasn't ready for.)
He got bored with me fairly quickly and I was crushed, even though I was relieved. (Which was highly disturbing to me.)
Then came Nean who treated me with respect and kindness. I was 15 and I wanted to spend every second with him. We didn't go to the same school, and we lived far enough away it was a really long bike ride so we sort of set ourselves up to fail. But I remember him fondly always, and the first sort of guy who understood what I was feeling and didn't take advantage of it.

After that I met boys and dated. All of them nice. I always was the heart breaker though. No real pain for me til Alastair. And for some reason Alastair is the guy I first started establishing the intense and instable man pattern on. I don't know why it was delayed but that was my first soul crushing experience too. I didn't create drama. He did. But it was much like my mom: always vying for his attention, trying to make him happy and not knowing what would. He smoked weed a lot and ignored me a lot of the time. Alastair to his credit acknowledges this and has said on more than one occasion he wishes then what he knew now. He wishes he had treated me better. I've always appreciated that.

Fast forward to Chris. THAT was the most intense and instable relationship of my life. I've said more than enough in this blog about him and what that shit was like, so I'm skipping it. But I'll never feel like that ever again for anyone. I will never ever allow myself to let a man make me crazy like that again. I was most def trying to work out my mom issues with him. He and my mom are very much alike.

Then I met my Johnny and some of it has been intense, though never to that degree. Most of the instability that happened was before November when everything needed to change. I think most of the instability that has happened since has been internal. My questions about his feelings. In truth, this has been my most stable relationship to date because of his fidelity. I do not rot to death when I'm away from him with the worry and questions, and anguish I used to feel. He responds to texts which means I don't text him often. I generally know where he is. THAT is stability for me. The schedule we have (though sometimes I wish for some change up) is stability too. The karaoke night is stability. We only fight about certain things and there's even stability in that. The intensity in which we fight is nothing like what I'm used to. Johnny is a decided improvement in so many departments.

My friends are ones I've had for awhile now though I don't know how close I consider some. Most of them have been in my life over a year. That's an improvement.
*So am I doing better on this one? I'd have to say most definitely. And I'm trying to improve everyday.

C. Instability in self image (We see ourselves as others see, or we just plain can't decide)

I've never really felt like this one was a big problem for me. I've always known who I am. What I like. My self esteem has issues. I feel fucking fat today, but not unhappy or downright ugly. In fact, I get irritated with people who don't know who they are or what they want. That just means they need some self discovery. Improvements are not really needed here. Just keep blogging and discovering myself as it comes. I do however know that my niceness comes down to not wanting people to be distanced from me, or not like me. I suppose in my mind there's no worse a fate or used to be. As I said I'm even changing that.

D.Impulsivity (We impulsively hurt ourselves in the name of escaping boredom)

I don't really feel like my being impulsive is a bad thing or a thing that needs changing necessarily. They say it applies to us especially when it comes to self damaging things such as casual sex or drug use. So obviously I used to do that, But I haven't done either in quite some time. Being monogamous is really fucking great believe it or not.
But I do get an idea in my mind and act on it fairly often. Last minute decisions and buys. Anyway, I'm just embracing this.
To be listed in this criterion you have to be impulsive in 2 of the following at the time of diagnosis: promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, or reckless driving. I have in fact dabbled in them all.
I still binge eat on occasion, though my anorexic tendencies are long gone. Reckless driving sure, but I do try and pay more attention now. And the rest has sort of passed with time.

E. Recurring suicidal behavior (the threats, the attempts...)

Rewind to age 15 and you'd see this one screaming at you from every direction. I'd o.d on ibuprofen regularly hoping it'd take me out. I'd cut myself on top of the cuts I made the day before because nobody seemed to see the effect they had on me internally. I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear. I wanted someone to save me. I could never bring myself to say "I'm going to kill myself" but I wanted to tell anyone. Have em try and talk me out of it. Tell me I was WORTH SOMETHING. That things would pass. I only ended up in the hospital once after taking some expired sleeping pills. They didn't put me to sleep, or kill me so the nurses sent me home.

My last real suicide attempt was 4 years ago after a fight Chris and I had. He said some things that were truly cruel. I was already unhappy with him which meant my whole life. I was still cutting back then too. So I downed a whole bottle of aspirin (maybe 50 pills) and two bottles of liquor and waited, drunk and desperate for death. Death didn't come. Just the worst stomach pain I've ever had and it lasted a week. Sometime after Chris and I made am mends and I chalked the whole thing up to us needing0
.30+69999999999999999999999999999999602each other.
When we finally broke up I knew no desperate act was going to get his attention. That it had been a terrible thing to do. I wanted to die from the broken heart, but I didn't want to kill myself. I was over it. I moved here. The last real cutting incident was October 29th 2008, after my D.U.I. I have done everything I can to keep that the last day. I don't attempt suicide, or write it on my skin anymore.
*I truly feel this is where I have improved most.

F. REALLY intense moods lasting from a few hours to days (I fucking love you! I fucking hate you!)

When people "say" they feel things more intensely than most, unless they have BPD They don't know the half of it. This is the one area of the disorder I find to be "desperate" because when we're in a mood we'll do anything to get out of it, or stay in it (depending on the mood.) This is also the one area I find no one really can have empathy for. They don't understand the emotional NEED. Just the emotion. This is why drugs come so often with us. Because when we're high we wanna be high forever! That's all we want to feel. Or in love, which is often for us a drug too because being around our crush validates our existence. Our world. It's everything.
And christ, on the other hand when we're down, we're DOWN. I have never been talked out of a bad mood. I've always had to do something. Go somewhere. And when I'm disappointed that's the worst. That's even worse than lonely.
Whatever mood I am in, for me, it usually lasts til I go to sleep which in some cases can be days.
Today I'm good. I'm chilling. Yesterday I was worried about meeting J's parents, though more to the point just wanting Johnny to listen to me about how I felt about it. We finally talked this morning when he got home from work and it's cool. Sunday I was so fucking lonely all day in my new place. But before that after the stress of moving wore off I was happy and in my usual mood. The last "intense" mood I felt was talking to a friend of a friend about some music and I got all fired up like usual. It was a good intense.

I have to admit, this one is due to biology I think, and less to do with anything personal I can fix. There's no reason to go on anti depressants or anything because Im not depressed. The moods are intense but there's nothing to stabilize, so there likely will never be improvement here. Just my chemistry.

G. Chronic feelings of emptiness (Nothing within us)

Well fuck, who doesn't feel empty? It's easier to feel empty when you haven't found a passion too. Emptiness... Nothing within me... I think the only time I really feel empty is after a break up. Usually I feel full. Of food. :) Jk. Marked improvement as well. I just can't have my heart broken anytime soon. Unless emptiness also applies to loneliness, and if that's the case that's what karaoke bars are for.

H. Inappropriate anger (Lashing out at the wrong time, the wrong people)c

Ok, so my last blog was angry. But what they mean is we have angry outbursts in public that embarrass people. I've never had one. I get angry. Really angry sometimes. Most of the music I really like and feel is on the angrier side, or filled with angst and pain, but this is an emotion I'll never really escape from. I think you need some real, true, honest forgiveness when it comes to taming anger. This is one aspect of borderline I don't feel at all, and truly can't understand other BPD sufferers. I do anger in private. Theirs is very much public.
Anyway, in another paragraph I'm going to go into the typical stuff that is not me.
So has this gotten better?
I feel the emotion less, and lot of it is due to not being around my mother constantly trying to control me. I don't cut in relation to it anymore, and realized being alone is the trigger. I've also learned that reassuring physical affection is the fastest and sanest way to bring me back. You can never not be angry, but you can handle it the best way possible and that's what I try for now.

I- Transient Disassociate States. (Now I'm here. How?)

So I disassosiativre state is like when you're driving and you zone out, then realize you're at your destination. Like no time has passed. From what I understand we do this at the time of the abuse to protect ourselves. So in some cases, we won't realize that particular incident has happened. I find out now I've met people I don't recognize. They recognize me, and sometimes that's surreal and I'm wondering if it's just my brain going on autopilot. So I guest his has happened to me a few times. Not enough to be disturbing. I just get my head on straight real quick. The last time this even happened I was in SLC. It never even happens anymore.

Those are the criterion folks. Do they sound like me? Yes to some degree, but anyone who knows me knows I struggle to fight through this and make myself better. The true aspect tied into all this I need to work on currently is the love addiction. I think that needs more attention than anything. Just to have the tools to make my relationships healthy.

Anyway theres other BPD stuff we do supposedly I've never done. I'm not a manipulator. I am very much against manipulation. I don't and never have threatened to kill myself of self harm. I've just done it. (Not lately.)
They say with BPD you have to have all 3 of these generally: Sexual and physical abuse, and neglect. The sexual stuff wasn't constant. But I'm sure it plays into my sexuality these days.
Other little tidbits: we're 20% of all hospitalizations, and 50% of us off ourselves. (So if you don't like us there's your best bet.)
We supposedly evoke intense emotions in those around us.

I'm not trivializing any of this disorder, but I am told I have it. I've also been told I'm growing out of it. Which is great, because when I was first diagnosed I embraced it. I finally had something that defined me. I wasn't just plain fucking crazy. As the years have gone on I'm ashamed and embarrassed about it, but I knew all I could do was work on it. And I have. And I will. And one day they'll tell me I've recovered. Which is awesome, because you can't recover from some illnesses. '

So, I don't want to delete or apologize for the last post. I'm letting the anger stay. It's better to vent it out. Sorry for the length. I'll be back again soon