Wednesday, April 27, 2011



Yes, drunk drunk drunk.


California had a few moments. They were lovely. And a lot not.

Bah. Humbug.

Had fun moments with my friends tonight. Drowned my troubles in vodka (as usual.)

Put the old ring on my finger. Reminisced about times I was someone people wanted.

Have to go to my therapist tomorrow. Maybe that's why I'm writing drunk. Not sure exactly what to say... Kinda fell apart last time. Exposed more than ever about my past... Now that the withdrawl is (mostly) under control I probably can keep it in check. ((Spirit First))

Making new friends is great. The fucking cold I picked up in Cali? Killed me for a few days. I'm still sick. This is me teaching myself how to fight through immune problems. Meh. It still sucks.

Positivity to come tomorrow. Seriously. I'm not down tonight, I just forgot what it is I wanted to say on the positive end of things. I'll write more when I figure it out. Muah!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Medication woes

I distinctly remember writing an entry about the hell that has been my life the last week. I guess I deleted it. Probably for the best. I wasn't in my right mind. I remember thinking the entry didn't make much sense.

I was withdrawing like a motherfucker. I tried to go cold turkey off the Xanax. Uuuh, yeah apparently that's a bad idea. I was in a constant 24 hour a day panic attack, not to mention the hot and cold, and zero concentration. Plus my sleep was just a mess. I was feeling suicidal which apparently is a side effect as well. This went on for SEVEN DAYS. Til today actually. I even had the flu-like symptoms on occasion junkies have. That was a first.

Now, to add insult to injury I went to see my sleep doctor to ask him to help me ween off of it properly. I have to be in California Monday and I wasn't going if I continued to feel that way. Dr Green said he didn't feel comfortable treating my anxiety, since that wasn't his job. Then sent me on my way and said I was my primary care physicians problem now. I couldn't believe it. I was devestated. I was panicked. I called and made an apt the next day for a doctor, since my primary care doc is on maternity leave. I knew I was rolling the dice big time.

But Dr. Marshall listened patiently, actually EXPRESSED SYMPATHY and said that she had trouble sleeping too and knows how hard it makes life. Then she not only gave me a smaller dose of Xanax, but something to treat anxiety long term, and another non-addictive sleep med. Since my whole goal in starting this experiment was to be off Xanax and Ambien forever. I just realize now I can't cut it cold turkey like I did with cigs and any other drug. I thought I was strong enough... But apparently this had a greater hold than I had assessed.

My room mate Tyler and I have really been bonding. It's been nice to have someone to hang with when I'm up for it.
The other night we shared a bottle of wine and stayed up talking until like, 8am. He told me a lot of really personal stuff and I have to say it's the first conversation like that I've had in awhile. It was nice. Just... Talking. I mean, obviously it's not going anywhere. Tyler's wife Steph is amazing and I respect them both and their relationship. It's just a relief to know I can still can connect with someone on a more personal level then just the surface stuff I only allow these days.
Plus, I confided in him about what was really going on with the withdrawl and he gave me some muscle relaxers which greatly assisted in one nights sleep. I mean, he genuinely wanted to help me. Take care of me almost. Said he admired what I was doing even though it was nuts, hehe. It's rare I've ever seen such compassion from a man. He's got a good heart. I really lucked out finding this place.

The downside besides the really sick I was feeling was not getting much work done the last week. I have a lot of emails I have to reply to and I need to make some calls tonight to make sure all my bands I've booked for the week I'm gone are set, since I wont be there to oversee anything or run PAs. Then I gotta send out emails for the June shows. And get a hard confirm about the date for Travis. Bleh. It piles up when you take the time off.

Anyway... I'm finally looking forward to LA. :) Bought the latest Boomkat album and am enjoying it immensly.

And am just really glad for this moment I'm calm and back to me. Let's hope the actual ween down works better than my stupid-ass plan of just quitting. One step closer to being the healthier me I want to be.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Sincerely, K

I built this house
but it fell down
before I got one night of sleep
So how does that beat all the fools who never tried?
They missed the moon
in rented rooms,
traded stories over food
I worked alone,
broke my bones
with all my pride
I desired royal attire,
so I acquired the emperor's skin
held a parade & begged the world to look inside-
I wanted fame, 'cause I thought fame could prove to me
that I was great
it never came;
I was a failure to myself
It's the way of the world to swallow you alive
The way of the world to swallow you alive

Spirit first.

It's been so long
singing songs
I couldn't possibly still mean
i guess they're lies
if they've lost the truth they had
and it's so hard to get well,
writing postcards home from Hell
I'd rather pack; I'd rather leave this all...
It's the way of the world to swallow you alive
the way of the world to swallow you alive

Spirit first.

Whoa, Whoa, I give up
Whoa, Whoa, I give up Ooo - ooooh
I give up.

You get one life, and I spend mine
chasing highways made of ghosts
now I don't know the way home from where I stand
And I believed I was free,
til I forgot what I believed
now I don't even need chains to hold me down...

- - - Sincerely, K

Friday, April 1, 2011

Bad food

I'm writing you at a sensible 6pm, instead of my usual 2am-6am time frame.

I'm writing because I am EXCITED to go to the Central tonight. Excited to dress up, listen to some good rock, and hang out.

I'm excited to meet new people. I'm excited to live. I expect I'll have fun.

But, my last blood results are STILL being processed. I can't imagine this is a good sign.

I've also been doing research not on how to lengthen my time, but on how to feel better in general. As it turns out... I eat EVERY WRONG FOOD for Lupus apparently. Ha! I guess the MSG in soy sauce for sushi activates an enzyme in my stomach that MAKES MY STOMACH SICK. If this is the cause for my nausea I'm gunna be so pissed. (And still eat it, but less often.) Also POTATOES are really bad.
Oh man, as I was reading this my heart kept sinking. Liquor is five ways from fucked. (Ok, I cut back in October, and fluctuate in my drinking patterns now, but I guess I'm gunna cut back again after the weekend, and keep my solo wine nights at bay for awhile and see how it helps.) Cheese is bad, and red meat is actually GOOD, but it has to be lean and in moderation.

One positive thing: No alfalfa sprouts. Heh. That's cool I don't eat those anyway.

Anyway, I have to eat carbs because carbs make things easier to process on my kidneys. I suppose that's exciting. Maybe I can still eat rice haha. Mmm... Maybe I should find some teriyaki.
And as I'm typing that out I'm thinking to myself doesn't teriyaki sauce contain soy sauce plus a few things? ISN'T THAT FIRST THING I JUST WROTE?

Man I suck at this game. :)

Guess I'll stick to pasta.

Anyway, another open mic Tuesday. My last one til I get back from exciting LA. :D Maybe I'll finish up the new song by then. I still need a real idea, and not just scratch lyrics.

Blah, blah, blah. :) Time to start my run. Then shower. Then off to rock! Looks like Abi and Gavin are coming- as is my new friend Lars from LA aka Dj Introcut. That may turn out to be a fruitful contact not just for LA, but he's also starting his own business and he spins trance. He also spins at the Merc on occasion.
My bestie Jay is heading out too, after he finishes with the underground tour.