Monday, August 9, 2010

Long Entry x2

*I started writing this entry last Sunday. It's turned into a major project. Just a heads up.*

Wow. Two entries in 2 days. I'm back to qualify the last entry. The last entry was written as my brain was starting to succumb to Ambien. I hadn't been drinking. But I was pretty pissed off. The anger came from a place of fear. Well, maybe not if I'm honest.

I have been the "nice" girl for so long and I'm sick to death of it. I don't exactly realize what's going on with my body, but I can tell in the last week with some of the things I've said and done, I'm surprising myself. I want to be the kind of person people can respect. Why should I have to like everybody? I fucking don't. Some people aren't worth keeping in your life.

Fuck, I really think that putting my foot down and not living with Deb was the first thing I've done in a long time to take care of me. It didn't destroy me in guilt like I thought it would.

And yes, I suppose it sucks that Amber made it so that Chris and Nicole are wary of me (don't even say hello) but I'm not in a relationship with them. I don't want to be apathetic here, but Johnny is the one I want to make happy, and I try. I still wish he'd be more affectionate, and I've vocalized this but as he's said it's just not him. He did make noises last week about wanting to do more things with me. Movies and such, which hopefully means less computer time and more time for us to talk and be friends. I'm giving him Saturday- Tuesday this week to be by himself. He gave me an extra day last week to be at his place as a starting place to apartment hunt which I'm grateful for. Starting at my old local would just stress me to no end.

Look at how much better I am at writing blogs after a full nights sleep? More structured and less mistakes. Wow.

Anyway, outside of my anger in the last blog I forgot to mention that J and I haven't had a real fight in like, over a month too. I'm not like, unhappy with him right now or anything. I was impressed and happy he asked me to help him at the vet with Leia. It did so much for me. I honestly thought he'd default to Amber but he didn't. It made me sort of re-establish my role and I got to play care taker to his emotions and the cat. We went to sushi for lunch one day as well, and I adore doing that with him.
I haven't had the desire to drink as much this week either, though my craving for french toast has been surmounting. :)

(This next part promises to be long as they usually are when I'm mulling over my past and trying to find some self awareness: my apologies.)

I also want to address another thing on my mind: and that is how recovery is going in the bpd department. This is very personal and I'm... well... just read.

A. The first qualifier is desperate attempts to avoid abandonment. (Due to the fact we were abandoned on more than one occasion in our youth likely.)

I don't associate any of my real trauma with my Dad. I do remember that moving away from my grandparents when I was 5 to Oregon was pretty hard. (I found out just this last year that they never really wanted to babysit for us and that was a real strain on my parents marriage.) But I don't harbor like, abandonment issues over that either I don't think. I remember constantly, desperately trying to get my moms attention and approval. It becoming rather difficult to get the positive kind when we got to Oregon. Mom was miserable. I started doing well in school and making friends but I remember wanting to spend a lot of time at Brandon's house across the street after. (Besides, he had a Nintendo.) There's a lot of sort of twisted round about stuff in there I'm sure about when I first noticed Mom favoring Carrie and realizing in my 7 year old mind I was gunna have to play second fiddle my whole life. Anyway, yeah, abandonment.
When we moved back to Utah at 10 I started creating abandonment. I'm not sure if it was to get used to it, or because I was playing out my trauma, but I switched schools every year practically. I switched friends pretty regularly. I didn't do anything to avoid it, desperate or not. I embraced it, and that was likely the beginning of it all.

*I don't feel like this is a problem so much. I'm much less of a self sabotager than I used to be, though I still seem to from time to time. I can't say I'm better off, but it's not the worst of the symptoms.

B. Creating instable or intense relationships (Because this was the only kind we knew)

Monkey see monkey do, you know? My main relationship was usually unstable, and always intense. My Dad traveled a lot, again, my mom was my mentor. One day It'd be ok to play wall ball against the garage, and the next I'd be grounded for doing so because it could break the garage or put a scuff mark on it or whatever. It made no sense.
The next day I'd fall off my bike and hurt myself and my mom would lovingly take care of my wounds. The next I'd have another accident and she'd scold me for an hour about riding dangerously. (Scold is a nice word.)

So when it came to my friendships I'd never go too deep. I became the girl with the mask when it came time to start forging relationships. I made jokes for and about everything. I became really bossy to my little sister (to which I'm eternally sorry and have apologized to her for) because she was the only person I could have any control over. I certainly had no control over my life. Plus I was probably jealous, and envious of her relationship with mom. I'm sure part of me took that out on her, which made our relationship unstable.
When I fell into the depression after the incident in the park, I couldn't wear the happy mask anymore, it was too much work. It felt like a lie, not just a glossy finish. I lost any friends I had because really, who wants to hang out with someone so damn miserable all the time? Yet I CRAVED human interaction. I just didn't know how to balance it all. I was incapable of balancing my emotions and social interactions. The "friends" I did make were ones my mom didn't approve of which made things worse. It made things stormy (intense) with everyone in my life at that point.

Then there was boys. I was boy crazy really early. It scared my mom. She didn't realize my psychology had been permanently damaged by a sick man in his forties trolling for little girls in a park. Even if it hadn't been for that I'd always gotten on with boys better. They liked to climb trees and play nintendo and ride bikes and get dirty. Playing with dolls and tea parties were rarely my thing. I didn't associate then that I was warmer towards boys because I loved my dad so much and he was a boy. Dad meant safety, stability, watching M.A.S.H on the couch together, basketball. So my boy relationships were always better than my girl ones. So when I got my first crush on a boy named Chris Robinette I wasn't exactly prepared when he liked me back. (And wanted me to do things I wasn't ready for.)
He got bored with me fairly quickly and I was crushed, even though I was relieved. (Which was highly disturbing to me.)
Then came Nean who treated me with respect and kindness. I was 15 and I wanted to spend every second with him. We didn't go to the same school, and we lived far enough away it was a really long bike ride so we sort of set ourselves up to fail. But I remember him fondly always, and the first sort of guy who understood what I was feeling and didn't take advantage of it.

After that I met boys and dated. All of them nice. I always was the heart breaker though. No real pain for me til Alastair. And for some reason Alastair is the guy I first started establishing the intense and instable man pattern on. I don't know why it was delayed but that was my first soul crushing experience too. I didn't create drama. He did. But it was much like my mom: always vying for his attention, trying to make him happy and not knowing what would. He smoked weed a lot and ignored me a lot of the time. Alastair to his credit acknowledges this and has said on more than one occasion he wishes then what he knew now. He wishes he had treated me better. I've always appreciated that.

Fast forward to Chris. THAT was the most intense and instable relationship of my life. I've said more than enough in this blog about him and what that shit was like, so I'm skipping it. But I'll never feel like that ever again for anyone. I will never ever allow myself to let a man make me crazy like that again. I was most def trying to work out my mom issues with him. He and my mom are very much alike.

Then I met my Johnny and some of it has been intense, though never to that degree. Most of the instability that happened was before November when everything needed to change. I think most of the instability that has happened since has been internal. My questions about his feelings. In truth, this has been my most stable relationship to date because of his fidelity. I do not rot to death when I'm away from him with the worry and questions, and anguish I used to feel. He responds to texts which means I don't text him often. I generally know where he is. THAT is stability for me. The schedule we have (though sometimes I wish for some change up) is stability too. The karaoke night is stability. We only fight about certain things and there's even stability in that. The intensity in which we fight is nothing like what I'm used to. Johnny is a decided improvement in so many departments.

My friends are ones I've had for awhile now though I don't know how close I consider some. Most of them have been in my life over a year. That's an improvement.
*So am I doing better on this one? I'd have to say most definitely. And I'm trying to improve everyday.

C. Instability in self image (We see ourselves as others see, or we just plain can't decide)

I've never really felt like this one was a big problem for me. I've always known who I am. What I like. My self esteem has issues. I feel fucking fat today, but not unhappy or downright ugly. In fact, I get irritated with people who don't know who they are or what they want. That just means they need some self discovery. Improvements are not really needed here. Just keep blogging and discovering myself as it comes. I do however know that my niceness comes down to not wanting people to be distanced from me, or not like me. I suppose in my mind there's no worse a fate or used to be. As I said I'm even changing that.

D.Impulsivity (We impulsively hurt ourselves in the name of escaping boredom)

I don't really feel like my being impulsive is a bad thing or a thing that needs changing necessarily. They say it applies to us especially when it comes to self damaging things such as casual sex or drug use. So obviously I used to do that, But I haven't done either in quite some time. Being monogamous is really fucking great believe it or not.
But I do get an idea in my mind and act on it fairly often. Last minute decisions and buys. Anyway, I'm just embracing this.
To be listed in this criterion you have to be impulsive in 2 of the following at the time of diagnosis: promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, or reckless driving. I have in fact dabbled in them all.
I still binge eat on occasion, though my anorexic tendencies are long gone. Reckless driving sure, but I do try and pay more attention now. And the rest has sort of passed with time.

E. Recurring suicidal behavior (the threats, the attempts...)

Rewind to age 15 and you'd see this one screaming at you from every direction. I'd o.d on ibuprofen regularly hoping it'd take me out. I'd cut myself on top of the cuts I made the day before because nobody seemed to see the effect they had on me internally. I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear. I wanted someone to save me. I could never bring myself to say "I'm going to kill myself" but I wanted to tell anyone. Have em try and talk me out of it. Tell me I was WORTH SOMETHING. That things would pass. I only ended up in the hospital once after taking some expired sleeping pills. They didn't put me to sleep, or kill me so the nurses sent me home.

My last real suicide attempt was 4 years ago after a fight Chris and I had. He said some things that were truly cruel. I was already unhappy with him which meant my whole life. I was still cutting back then too. So I downed a whole bottle of aspirin (maybe 50 pills) and two bottles of liquor and waited, drunk and desperate for death. Death didn't come. Just the worst stomach pain I've ever had and it lasted a week. Sometime after Chris and I made am mends and I chalked the whole thing up to us needing0
.30+69999999999999999999999999999999602each other.
When we finally broke up I knew no desperate act was going to get his attention. That it had been a terrible thing to do. I wanted to die from the broken heart, but I didn't want to kill myself. I was over it. I moved here. The last real cutting incident was October 29th 2008, after my D.U.I. I have done everything I can to keep that the last day. I don't attempt suicide, or write it on my skin anymore.
*I truly feel this is where I have improved most.

F. REALLY intense moods lasting from a few hours to days (I fucking love you! I fucking hate you!)

When people "say" they feel things more intensely than most, unless they have BPD They don't know the half of it. This is the one area of the disorder I find to be "desperate" because when we're in a mood we'll do anything to get out of it, or stay in it (depending on the mood.) This is also the one area I find no one really can have empathy for. They don't understand the emotional NEED. Just the emotion. This is why drugs come so often with us. Because when we're high we wanna be high forever! That's all we want to feel. Or in love, which is often for us a drug too because being around our crush validates our existence. Our world. It's everything.
And christ, on the other hand when we're down, we're DOWN. I have never been talked out of a bad mood. I've always had to do something. Go somewhere. And when I'm disappointed that's the worst. That's even worse than lonely.
Whatever mood I am in, for me, it usually lasts til I go to sleep which in some cases can be days.
Today I'm good. I'm chilling. Yesterday I was worried about meeting J's parents, though more to the point just wanting Johnny to listen to me about how I felt about it. We finally talked this morning when he got home from work and it's cool. Sunday I was so fucking lonely all day in my new place. But before that after the stress of moving wore off I was happy and in my usual mood. The last "intense" mood I felt was talking to a friend of a friend about some music and I got all fired up like usual. It was a good intense.

I have to admit, this one is due to biology I think, and less to do with anything personal I can fix. There's no reason to go on anti depressants or anything because Im not depressed. The moods are intense but there's nothing to stabilize, so there likely will never be improvement here. Just my chemistry.

G. Chronic feelings of emptiness (Nothing within us)

Well fuck, who doesn't feel empty? It's easier to feel empty when you haven't found a passion too. Emptiness... Nothing within me... I think the only time I really feel empty is after a break up. Usually I feel full. Of food. :) Jk. Marked improvement as well. I just can't have my heart broken anytime soon. Unless emptiness also applies to loneliness, and if that's the case that's what karaoke bars are for.

H. Inappropriate anger (Lashing out at the wrong time, the wrong people)c

Ok, so my last blog was angry. But what they mean is we have angry outbursts in public that embarrass people. I've never had one. I get angry. Really angry sometimes. Most of the music I really like and feel is on the angrier side, or filled with angst and pain, but this is an emotion I'll never really escape from. I think you need some real, true, honest forgiveness when it comes to taming anger. This is one aspect of borderline I don't feel at all, and truly can't understand other BPD sufferers. I do anger in private. Theirs is very much public.
Anyway, in another paragraph I'm going to go into the typical stuff that is not me.
So has this gotten better?
I feel the emotion less, and lot of it is due to not being around my mother constantly trying to control me. I don't cut in relation to it anymore, and realized being alone is the trigger. I've also learned that reassuring physical affection is the fastest and sanest way to bring me back. You can never not be angry, but you can handle it the best way possible and that's what I try for now.

I- Transient Disassociate States. (Now I'm here. How?)

So I disassosiativre state is like when you're driving and you zone out, then realize you're at your destination. Like no time has passed. From what I understand we do this at the time of the abuse to protect ourselves. So in some cases, we won't realize that particular incident has happened. I find out now I've met people I don't recognize. They recognize me, and sometimes that's surreal and I'm wondering if it's just my brain going on autopilot. So I guest his has happened to me a few times. Not enough to be disturbing. I just get my head on straight real quick. The last time this even happened I was in SLC. It never even happens anymore.

Those are the criterion folks. Do they sound like me? Yes to some degree, but anyone who knows me knows I struggle to fight through this and make myself better. The true aspect tied into all this I need to work on currently is the love addiction. I think that needs more attention than anything. Just to have the tools to make my relationships healthy.

Anyway theres other BPD stuff we do supposedly I've never done. I'm not a manipulator. I am very much against manipulation. I don't and never have threatened to kill myself of self harm. I've just done it. (Not lately.)
They say with BPD you have to have all 3 of these generally: Sexual and physical abuse, and neglect. The sexual stuff wasn't constant. But I'm sure it plays into my sexuality these days.
Other little tidbits: we're 20% of all hospitalizations, and 50% of us off ourselves. (So if you don't like us there's your best bet.)
We supposedly evoke intense emotions in those around us.

I'm not trivializing any of this disorder, but I am told I have it. I've also been told I'm growing out of it. Which is great, because when I was first diagnosed I embraced it. I finally had something that defined me. I wasn't just plain fucking crazy. As the years have gone on I'm ashamed and embarrassed about it, but I knew all I could do was work on it. And I have. And I will. And one day they'll tell me I've recovered. Which is awesome, because you can't recover from some illnesses. '

So, I don't want to delete or apologize for the last post. I'm letting the anger stay. It's better to vent it out. Sorry for the length. I'll be back again soon

Monday, August 2, 2010


Time to write again me thinks. After all the drama of the apartment searching and such I settled on a house in Wallingford (I think.) I spent Saturday moving and today unpacking and settling. I decided not to move in with my friend Debbie who decided to back out of our agreement, with the checks and everything. Which means I lost 50 on credit check and 100 on a holding fee. Which means basically it cost my Dad because I can't cover that. I was upset for awhile. She basically left me in a position to be homeless which brought up a lot of old emotions I hadn't visited since actually being homeless. Anyway

So I've been trying to conceptualize working again. Trying to figure out how I can do it. If I can. What I could and would do. If my sleep stays on this track, and I can take my pain pills I think it could possible be doable. I'd meet new people at work I think, and it'd be nice to have a new crew to hang with. So many of the people I've been seeing on a regular basis are people Johnny's associated with. I spent a lot of timing thinking the other night before about how those people likely won't stick around if we broke up. If we did socialize it would likely be at his shows once I was able to go again, once the pain subsided.
I feel when the whole Frank thing went down (and yes, me being vulnerable here Amber) I got so betrayed, and taught about trust on all levels. Amber was never really my friend. I was a pawn in the Johnny game. A person to manipulate to get what she wanted. And it crushed my heart. Fuck her for that. For attacking me. For making me question my happiness and my love. Fuck her for ruining the family shit I had invisioned when Chris moved back. I wanted the life I had with Bobby's and Alastairs family. They loved me- and this leads into the next step- I'm supposed to meet Johnny's parents on Wedsday. What will they think? Will we bond? I long to so much. Johnny and Dad are what I consider family. The men I would do anything for.

Fuck Amber. She has malificntly and beautifully calculated this out so I have permanent scars and she doesn't fucking care. All under this veil of compassion. Compassion is easy to feel with those you love, it's feeling empathy for those you don't like that's difficult. When I let her take those pictures with Johnny. Or ivited her out with us the first few times. And my thanks on twitter that she was calm and clear that my man was absolutely meant to be hers.

I grow so tired of being ignore by Chris and Nicole becauae of what's been said. Nicole can't seem to help but speaking to me condescendingly. Travs is an angel and always speaks to me like a fucking person. Like he has no agenda. He and Greta and Chris. Summers so far back fro the group now. She's pulled away, which sucks because she was a friend and Ally. She'd stick up for me as I her. But now her whole life is baout to change and I can't help but be a little jealous.

My life is changing too, and I'm going to start going to meetings. I gotta figure out a way to handle my life on my own.

I wish Johnny was the kind of man who could hold me for a few miuntes before going back to his game. Or maybe say I miss you once in awhile. But wishing doesn't change anything. I still want the litte gestures to let me know I'm not some piece of furniture in his life and that he cares.

I feel so fucking alone. This is when I start to trace down the fillers. I think Ive quit drugs on the whole now. But I still wish I had a line and some company right now,

Someone to just touch me softly. Instead of the obvious contridiction of the blade. Silly isnt it? Pain is so much more easy to obtain than comfort right now. I'm off to contemplate that. Sorry this isn't very structured. Don't worry I'm going to sleep. I don't S.I anymore either. Look at how boring I'm becoming...