Shaking

I know this is post two... I got another hour of sleep. When I woke up I was shaking. This is the third time in two weeks. You know the kind of shaking you get when you're hungry and feel weak? I am wrapped up in my blankets, the only comfort I have right now. I want to cry. This isn't fun. I can barely type. I guess I'm writing because I'm scared. I've lost control of my sleep, and now I'm losing control of my body altogether some days.

Bugger.

Missing Lover

I guess my brain will sabotage my body any chance it gets. I've been asleep for only 2 hours, then up again after a long night. My friend Maria took my friend Chelsea and I out to dinner yesterday. Sushi, my absolute favorite. We had 2 40 dollar bottles of wine, and lots of fish. It was really nice of her. Then, at the bar, a shot or two. Course, I payed her back by buying shots as well and dancing but the evening overall was grand. Johnny opted out of coming that time.
My friend Summer went and managed to get kicked out, though I'm not sure exactly how. I met two lovely girls who were hanging with an Irish and a Welsh bloke. They invited me to their car to smoke weed. Summer went and had some, I went and smoked a clove. It was the first cigarette I'd had in a long while. I justified it by saying there was no nicotine in it. I don't like weed myself. I did when I was a teen, but it just makes me stupid now, and I hate that aspect of it. It's easy to turn down. Drinks, cigs, coke, and E, not so much though lately I've been practicing turning down all of them.

I miss E, like I miss an old friend. It romanced me. Seduced me. The love and happiness you feel... People always ask me if I can find these things in real life. Of course I can, but my best memories are on the drug. I love relating to the men in my life on it, sexual or not. Usually not. I want to be touched, and feel that tingling sensation. That slow breath you take in as you finally explain yourself and your feelings, and people finally hear what you're saying properly. I LONG for that kind of communication again. That is something I never feel in real life I suppose. Understood. Perhaps I never will.
I can tell because as I write this, I tear up.
I've had opportunities since Halloween when I did it last, with Johnny. The night I really believed him when he said we'd be ok. The night he told me he loved me, and I believed his words. The night 3 weeks before the abortion. God how I needed it then. Then I started spotting and I thought, my god. Miraculous. And it was sort of magical in a way. I took it as a sign. He says he won't do it anymore because the depression the next day is terrible. I get that depressed one day out of every month anyway. I just tell myself it'll end the next day. I gotta pull through. I never felt it after rolling though. However, I know people who do and swear 5HTP is a great saver. I have some. I suppose I'm just waiting.
Anyway, since I've always turned it down because Johnny doesn't want to. I don't much fancy the idea of getting that close to anyone but my boyfriend, and since he wants to stop drugs altogether I haven't in close to six months. It makes him unhappy, the thought of me rolling with another man, and I completely understand why. I wouldn't want Johnny getting that close to another girl either. But my friend Cor has asked a few times. And I miss doing it with him. We have never gotten physical on it, or anything. The few times we've done it together, it's been with other people. I know he misses it too, and that's why he's asking. I miss my lover. I wonder if she'll forgive my lengthy absence?
I wonder if anyone else in the world is as misunderstood as me?

Anyway, "God" intervened with my smoking the clove yesterday, because as I took it back from Chelsea my fingers slipped and I burned the shit out of them. I take it as a sign I'm not supposed to be smoking at all anymore. They really hurt. Not to mention I have practice tonight I have to be on my game for. My hangover needs to be gone by then. Heh.
Speaking of that, I found out we're going on tour. I couldn't be more stoked than I am. The whole month of August. I realize it's all casual for everyone else because they've all been on tour before and such, but I never have. I never thought it would be this soon. I never really thought I would get to there I guess. I always assumed it would be a fantasy, especially after seeing Flash Suppressor, and predicting the future of my band after show number one. But Peratus has their shit together. Thank fucking God. I'm referred to again as a little sister, and I've been included in all of my big "brothers" activities. The drummer Hugh is amazing. I've never played with such good musicians. The songs are fairly simple, but likable. I met the manager for the band on Sunday and he's a really nice guy. In it for the band because he likes the sound. So, on the musical front, things are progressing nicely.
I have one Xanie left and I'm considering taking it... I need more though, and my rx has run out. It did awhile ago. I've been saving them for a rainy day. Maybe today is that day.
Chelsea crashed here last night, and is sleeping away now. I'm jealous, as I usually get when watching people sleep. I wish I could shut my eyes for 12 hours and wake up refreshed. Instead of after 3 pills and 6 hours. I'm out of pills now anyway, and last night I used my last Benadryl. I must have passed out around 6am though, cuz I woke up with no covers and on my back. Way not how I sleep. I was actually disturbed to wake up like that. I sleep on my side in a ball. Anything else feels unnatural.

I miss J now. It's our karaoke night tonight though, so I suppose I'll see him then. I'm sure I'll feel better by tonight. In the ways of the Lupus, I've been taking the pain pills, and some days after I've taken it two days in a row I get itchy. No other problems though. I'm sick of feeling sick though. I took a codeine last night after burning my fingers so I could sleep. And, like I said, I got 2 hours. Maybe I should be thankful. I'm yawning though, and taking that to be a sign I should try for sleep again, so I shall.

Curious?

I'm writing this entry for the curious. This is my side of the story alone. I am not shit talking here. Just explaining how I feel about it, and the events according to what happened to me.

So I guess I'm going to explain what's happened and how I feel about Amber.

I met Amber the day I met Johnny. She was sitting next to him while they were waiting for him to go onstage. I was so enamored with Johnny and busy writing the article that I didn't really pay much attention to Amber. The second show though I remembered her face and made a decided point to be nice to her, and ask her about her band Varnish. (I'd forgotten Johnny also played in that band.) Her vibe was standoffish and cold. She treated me in a way I would never treat a stranger trying to be nice, especially someone I knew was going to be in my best friend's life, no matter for how long. (I.E if Wayne brought out a girl I'd treat her the way I treat everyone else, and try to make her feel welcome.)I let it go, because I could see from the way she looked at Johnny, and from the way she treated me she had feelings for him.

Now, I know not everyone is gunna like me. Sometimes I don't like me. I can be flaky, I'm loud when I'm with my girlfriends, and when I'm getting introduced to a group of strangers I get nervous and talk too much. *shrugs* Everybody has their things. But when I'm out and meeting new people I do my damndest to make everyone feel included, treat them with respect, and relate to them somehow. Even if I'm just the one starting the idea of a party or something, I feel like I'm the hostess and act accordingly, albeit usually I turn into the drunkest hostess with the mostess. Whatev. Heh.

Anyway I sort of automatically felt off about it because of the way she had acted. "I'm off to a bad start here." I told myself. At the time we hadn't even kissed or anything. Just been to his shows, and chatted after. But soon after our relationship had evolved into a physical one, and I was trying to get him to open up while revealing parts about myself. Meanwhile, Johnny is keeping to himself how often he sees Amber. I was very in the dark for the first few months about the real nature of their relationship. When I came to understand I felt... sad. Even though I believed Johnny would never cheat on me physically, he was definitely carrying on a relationship with another woman. That's more for later though.
One day while in Utah on my first trip back since we'd been dating I got a message on facebook from Amber. It said something to the affect of "I had a notion I should tell you I don't hate you because the universe told me to." I sat at the desk in Utah. My heart raced at these words. It would not be the last time my heart would race at the thought of Amber. In fact, from then on my heart would jump in anxiety and curiosity. I sat trying to figure out exactly why she had sent it or what it meant. I finally decided to respond, in kind, with kindness. I returned the same sentiment, because I had never had any negativity towards her, other than feeling hurt she had acted the way she had on that second meeting.

We sent 90 emails back and forth for those few days I was gone. She confessed to her feelings and asked me if I loved J. I responded with "I don't know." What I did know was I wanted to see if that was where it was headed. Johnny had said before that Amber knew him better than anyone. I figured maybe I could ask her things and find out more about him, though I never asked anything too personal. At this point, Johnny and I were seeing each other about twice a week. A lot of time was spent at his apartment just kicking back and watching tv. He had told me a couple times if I wanted to spend the night I could. I declined because that falls into relationship territory for me. Also trusting someone with my sleep problems. At the time I was on Ambien and that shit makes you crazy. I didn't want J to see that. So he'd go to bed and I'd leave. Anyway, somehow Amber and I decided it would be fun to hang out. My motivations were pure I assure you. I wanted everyone in Johnny's life to get along. I wanted to make his life easy. I wanted to be cool with Amber, and I figured knowing both would sort of protect myself against getting hurt. I swore she couldn't hurt me if she knew me.

We talked about music, and our fav comedian. We spoke of goals we had and all sorts of things, but mostly the conversations revolved around Johnny. Whenever Amber would bring him up she'd begin to cry. Every time. I began to feel incredibly guilty. Amber would present me with all the evidence as to why they were meant to be, and how I was merely getting in the way of a great love story. He would text her when Amber and I were together. She'd leave me hanging out to go be with him. She was leaving me to be with him a lot more than I was. Disheartened, and even though I knew Amber had her own agenda because of what she wanted, I began to believe her. She had the evidence. The proof. The seeds of doubt and insecurity about my relationship began there. Once you had the key to the equation, you could unlock anything Amber was saying. All of her ambiguity. Everything in her life revolved around one thing, and one thing only: my boyfriend. Trouble was I had started loving him too. Even through the jokes they'd run off to Vegas and be married. Through her continued "clarity" that they were supposed to be together. Through the guilt and unhappiness I would feel anytime Amber and I hung out. Even one night in a drunken cry fit I apologized to her for fucking with her life.
Then I did something stupid.

Amber asked if I would come help her take photos. I said sure, why not. I enjoy photography and I wanted to be helpful. Even though I was having complicated feelings about the situation, I truly believed it would all work out. Naive, I know. Anyway, turns out the photos were a bit on the naughty side. Tastefully done though. But she wanted them to show off her hair which she was going to cut the next day. During the shoot Johnny texted me (which was a first when Amber and I were hanging out; He had always texted her first) and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was with Amber. Then Amber and I decided to invite him over too. So we went and picked him up. He'd already been drinking and I had a bottle of wine at her place, so we continued. Somehow I ended up taking pictures of a shirtless both Johnny and Amber. In my mind I figured she'd always have that as he moved into me, as I was trying to push forward with us. Sort of as a gesture to say you'll always have the fantasy I suppose. I realize it's twisted. I don't know why I allowed it. But I did. In the name of camaraderie and good faith. That night would sort of symbol the beginning of the end for me I suppose.

Looking back, had it been me in Amber's position that never would have happened. I could never do that with someone else's boyfriend. I have to keep referencing Wayne in my mind here to parallel. It's the only way I can compare. If Wayne got a girlfriend would I do what Amber had done? Hell no. I'd fucking support him, even though five years ago it would have hurt like hell. But loving and losing is a part of life. He gets to make his own decisions and I, as his best friend, get to support him and for the record, I very rarely give people advice or tell them what to do. Which is why people to come to me to listen. I love Wayne too much to fuck with the happiness he was creating for himself. The fact Amber could try and manipulate me, and sabotage my relationship so she could have J for herself is the kind of thing you read about, but don't believe can happen. It's completely selfish. And it affected two of her supposed "friends." I began to see the cracks. I wanted her friendship, as I'd never really had a close girlfriend for very long except for Bev. But I had placed that bet hastily and foolishly. Maybe Amber was genuine too. Maybe she wanted to be my friend... But maybe she just wanted me in her life to keep tabs on how and what Johnny and I were doing. She said snarky things just often enough to keep me on my toes.

Meanwhile she went behind Johnny's back and friended his parents and brother on facebook. In her mind, I think, securing a place in this future. As if to say "I'm not going anywhere." She and Johnny's brother became close over time. She's told me she's spoken to his parents as well. I am amazed at this. Even as his girlfriend, that is something again, I would never do. When I told my Dad what she'd done he described the behavior as a serious problem with boundaries, and something a completely misguided person would do. All the while, she's played it off in Johnny's social circle as a sides thing. Mine or hers. What began as everyone on her side, and my feeling very on the outside, the truth began to leak out in conversations. Johnny's friends started to come around to me. Realizing, I wasn't the one causing the drama that was happening. I was trying to make peace with everything.
I felt so many emotions. Mostly pain in relation to her. She had used the word friend. And I knew I would never treat any friend as she had me. My trust issues took root a bit deeper. I knew I would never again trust another female that close to any guy I was dating. It always ended badly. And always as they were playing at being my "friend."

I had started nagging Johnny long ago to make me the number one woman in his life. He was still seeing us both equally at this point. I never asked him to not see her. I knew my life would be easier if he didn't, but I don't give people ultimatums. Besides, at that point I knew I'd lose.
His friends would ask me why I "put up with all of it?" (More than one, on more than one occasion.) The only answer I had was that I loved him. And I didn't know. Perhaps I was just weak.
My Dad came home to find me on the floor one day after reading something she'd posted that had cut me to the quick. It was a culmination of everything that was going on and I broke. I cried to him about the agony I was feeling at the situation. Dad looked at me and very plainly said "why are you doing this to yourself?" Because... I had no reasons anymore. So I spoke to Johnny about it, and we got into a fight over it, and her. Not for the first time, and certainly not for the last. But I pulled away from Amber at that point. It was more than my soul could handle.

I watched as they'd write on messenger to each other, while I watched tv in the background. Wondering what they were saying. I knew I would never see a Post Ado show in my life, just me, without her being there. I knew he would never give her up completely. I knew everyone else in the group was on my side, and trying to tell me even though it was fucked up, it would have to change someday. So I waited on that day. And watched as my boyfriend carried on an emotional connection with someone that wasn't me. And had manipulated and hurt me. And refused to validate me, or change anything about it. Dad said there were no consequences for his actions, so he had no incentive to change. I didn't want incentives. I just wanted his love. I wanted him to want to change because the situation hurt. But it didn't. We'd go to bars, and people would ask where Amber was. As if we were supposed to all be a happy trio for life. Every time someone would say that it would cut me.
And finally, in November, that fight at 6am the day after the dream, I broke. And told him I wouldn't make him choose, that I forfeited. He responded with "get the fuck out." So I did.

Do I believe that Amber is a bad person? No. I think she did some shitty things to me, and I think she did some really shitty things to Johnny as his 'bff' (her words, not mine.) I think I was so desperate to have girlfriends I was willing to accept anyone offering their hand. I was trying to conquer my own demons, and make things ok for Johnny. I guess it's a learning experience. I had to get burned twice to learn it, but I'll never get that close again like I said. And then with Frank's email, that assured I'd never trust anyone again.

It took all the way from March of last year, to December of last year for Johnny to tell Amber she needed to stop calling him baby. To stop touching him. To fix her behavior. Had he not, that morning would have stuck. It kills me to think it came to that for it to change.

Since then our relationship *has* changed, and I feel like that was the real start. Though Amber is still in the picture and more than I would like even now, I can't make Johnny see my point and if I bring it up it causes a fight. We've settled into a normal sort of life though, and I enjoy being around him. I hope he feels the same. I still feel anxious when she pops up on IM. On Tuesdays, when he's shopping with her. Sometimes on Friday when he's at band practice. It wears on you. I don't know how long anyone else would deal with the emotions, and really, this is the first time I've gotten to say what I needed without judgment, and without a fight. I refuse to bring it up with friends, because I don't want them to judge unfairly. Unlike Amber, I don't want things set up in sides. I wish she could stick to bounds, be KIND to me when I'm around, and that headache would be less. I know I'll never actually know what transpires when I'm not around between them. That takes a lot of trust, and trust I'll never extend again.

All I want is to be loved. That's my first mistake. Because I don't know who can love me. Am I even lovable? Not that it matters. A dog will love me someday, when I can properly take care of one again. But I always questioned whether my Mom loved me. The only men who have ever loved me, and I believed they did, were never boyfriends. Although... to be fair, there were moments I believed it with Chris. I think he was just too sick at the time to really commit to it. And for all the crap Chris has done to me and such, I do deep down know it was in part due to his illness. Just as some of the scars I left on him were due to mine. (Though I truly believe I am at least 75% better here than I was there.)

Anyway, the Amber road certainly isn't over, and likely won't be ever for Johnny. Unless he sees her for what everyone else does. He says he could never be with her, even if we broke up. But I don't speak to any of my other friends everyday. Just him. And if any of my guy friends aren't cool with Johnny, then we probably wouldn't have the same relationship. If Amber could realize (or give a damn for that matter) that she's treading on this, maybe things between J and I would be better. I know she'll never date anyone, because that could ruin her chances with Johnny. And unless Johnny sets her straight, and sets her free, she'll waste what's left of her life on him for something that J says will never happen. I really hope she finds something, and someone. Then perhaps life will exist as it's supposed to. Until then I hang in the balance. Wondering if this is the only life with J I'll ever have.

My true belief is we won't live together until that changes too, because he can't give up Tuesdays. How would their relationship continue as it is if Johnny and I get more serious? So, that's a lot of hope I'm hanging on change I suppose. But stranger things have happened. He says he loves me, so maybe one day he won't want me to leave instead of craving his time alone.

This was a very hard entry to write. I don't want to come off as bitchy. I don't want people to think I wasn't friends (on my side) with Amber. I really was. I enjoyed hanging out with her until I realized what was really going on. I cried for many nights over it. I'm not made of stone.
I've been writing for two hours. I'm going to lay down now. Thanks for listening. Next entry will be less drama, and more info on what's going on.

Longish, but resolve

I feel like a weight has been lifted, thank God. I was majorly upset today over what had conspired over the last 2 days. I went out to Mukilteo beach to think, and had a long conversation with my Dad. We talked a lot about my mom. We talked a little about my sis. I mentioned the fight with J, but really we just try and work out the wounds mom has left on us. We commiserate about it. We're very much alike. There has been a lot of family drama this last week too, which I don't want to type about at this moment, but I'm sure it will come out.

Anyway, I came home in the afternoon to a blessedly quiet house and laid around til I got hungry. I made myself a salad and a little pasta, and felt good about the veggie first bit. Then I got a call from Sev. Sev is the writer and front man of a band called Peratus. I met him last summer at a show that Johnny played at the High Dive, when he played with them. I'd never forgotten them because I kind of liked what they did. I hoped maybe someday I could book a show with them, when I had the vision for Flash Suppressor, before my band ever existed. Turns out we booked a show with his side project.
The show last Friday I feel was amazing. It was our first show I felt really solid about. Where we really hit our groove as a band on stage. The song I wrote about Johnny came together, my energy was up, and it just was like yeah baby. So after the show I got way more attention from people than at the other shows, which is validating. People were nodding and throwing up the metal sign. One of those people to seek me out was Sev, offering me a position in Peratus.
I never really think when something ends, it's so something better can happen, even though I've found that is often the case. I was disappointed when Lefthead didn't pan out. I was too irritated with Candy and they're bullshit to really pursue it (though Vegas would have been a good gig) and with Shanta Louise I was questioning my position in the band, and how hard they were going to pursue a career. (It wasn't really the kind of shit I wanted to do anyway. It was sorta Sarah McLaughlin-y and I want to stay in rock.)So when this came through I accepted.
So I found out today that my first gig with the band would likely be on June 5th opening for, get this, Powerman 5000.
I don't know how many of you know Powerman 5000 but they had a hit in the 90s called "When World's Collide" I really liked. I worked security for one of their shows in Portland when they played with Staind and Mudvayne. Their frontman Spider is Rob Zombie's brother.
I think that is so fucking dope, I can't even tell you. I didn't even have to audition or go through the normal channels. He just offered it to me. So I'm going to Everett on Wednesday to go play music with them. Sev reminds me a lot of Jon Crosby, and I told him that when I saw him again.

Through the phone call I was stoked, but went back to being lethargic after. I wanted to tell Johnny first, and Johnny and I hadn't really spoken all day. I texted him though, and after work begged him to call and talk to me. So we did. And he had beef to pick with me about falling asleep at Frank's on New Years. I guess even though it was in the blog, he'd read over it, and I hadn't brought it up specifically so he felt like it was an omission. Valid. I told him so. It was a mistake. I shouldn't have. It's not something I'm proud of, or would do again. I guess it made him wonder what else I was leaving out, so I wracked my brain for a few minutes trying to think of anything, but there isn't. I want to be 100% honest with him. I feel like we started over after all of that came down. I assured him I loved him. I always had. When I asked him if he loved me he hesitated before saying yes. It threw me for a minute, but I was so thankful we were talking I tried to get over it. We had an hour long phone conversation and spoke like adults. I apologized for my unusual bout of anger during the fight. I am INCREDIBLY hormonal right now. Not to be too graphic but I shouldn't be bleeding at all right now, but I am. And it's a lot. My mood switches about three times a day. I'm not my usual mellow self. Stuff that wouldn't normally bug me totally is right now. I feel bad about it, but I absolutely can't help it. Not to mention today on the pain scale was another 9. 2 codeine and a lidocaine patch later I'm still achey. I actually felt ANTI SOCIAL yesterday. That is way not like me.
Anyway, I also told Johnny about my thoughts on how we communicate love differently and hopefully that makes sense. We think completely differently. (Which is weird, because Chris and I think very similarly.) It takes getting used to. I suppose it's why they say lust is easy, love is hard.
Johnny also told me tonight that because I didn't sleep with him on the first date, he thought I didn't like him. I had no idea about that one. I find that kind of cute, because if I didn't like him then I would've slept with him on the first date. Then I'd just assume he'd assume I'm easy and never call again. I wanted him to call, so I didn't play the slut card. I waited til we were together to show him how freaky I could be. ;) I TOTALLY wanted to. But I wanted to see where it went more. I'm glad I did.
Anyway, long story short, we talked, and even though it was tough and there were tears, I was relieved. Really glad we were talking again. So then I told him about the Peratus thing, and he told me he has a show the day I do this weekend so he's not coming again. Sigh. Oh well. At least I'm with a musician who gets the lifestyle. Besides, if he comes out to the first Peratus gig that would be fun I think. And he's assured me he's coming to the May first show. That's the one I'm excited for next, because I'm hoping all my Seattle friends come to it. That's what they've said anyway.

Some days, especially after hard days, I put on the same two dvds. I never get tired of them. I don't like movies as much as I am endlessly obsessed with music, so the fact I have two favs surprises me. They are the Shawshank Redemption, and Girl, Interrupted. There is something comforting about Morgan Freeman and Winona Ryder. I don't get it. But I've moved onto "Working Girl" now. My sisters collection of dvds is much more vast than mine, but all of hers are chick flicks. Mine are mostly well written action/thrillers with the exception of this movie and Cassanova. (Though I think I like Cassanova for the same reason I love Pirates. The lead character rocks. The acting and the charisma just take you there. If it weren't Heath Ledger being so damn on the mark, the movie wouldn't appeal to me as much.)

This is a long winded entry again. I guess that means alot happened today, though it doesn't feel like it. Oh and ps, my roomate Ben wins the king douche award. He's still blasting music away and it's 3am. I'm gunna have to move again. I love Johnny. I'm glad we can work the shit out. I'm beat. Peace homies.

His irritation

I'm writing you again. Hello! I however, am writing another not so happy entry because there's lots in my head, and I have to put it somewhere or I'll never sleep again.

Johnny and I had another major fight yesterday. It wasn't meant to be, for the record. Amber popped up on IM (again) and I casually said "Do you talk to her everyday?" Johnny threw the strainer into the pot of pasta he was making and said "Are we really going to do this again right now?"
In my mind a simple 'yes' would have suited and we would have moved on, as it was just a question. Obviously with Johnny mad at me, I decided since he was mad at me already I'd start in on some of the other shit I've been wondering lately.
I feel threatened by Amber. She has tried in covert and often unprovable ways to sabotage what we have. Johnny knows this. He acknowledges some of the shit Amber has said was not cool. But it always, ALWAYS takes a fight for something to get done with him. It's like poking a dragon. So my question on that front is simply: Is this the relationship we are going to have forever? Is Amber going to IM him everyday? Am I CONSTANTLY going to feel icky about the fact he lied to me about making out with her? And how damn hurt I was to have to have heard it from Amber and not Johnny? What did he want back then?
If they had not had the relationship they had I wouldn't feel this way. If Johnny had been honest with me, I wouldn't feel this way.
I am not a damn jealous person. I am not fucking unreasonable. I don't have problems with his other chick friends, because they don't fuck with us. She used to rub his back in public and he wouldn't stop her. Anyway, all of this garbage leads me to this thought:
He will never put her in her place. That being said Johnny never wants to get married and I'm ok with that. But I do want to live together someday. The parking tickets are out of hand over there. I'm there five days a week anyway, but I'm thinking of changing that too. I can't keep doing this the way it is. Something has to change.
After all we went through with the Frank stuff, we were finally communicating better. He was finally opening up a bit more and I thought 'this is the best thing in the world. He's finally making some emotional intimacy' but somewhere along the way he stopped talking again. So I sit on the couch while he plays star trek, hoping he'll come over and sit down and have a conversation with me. Not one of our jokes, but real true life conversations that make you close to someone. It never happens.

Yesterday I asked him to come back to bed with me for 5 minutes because when he gets up he goes to the computer and then goes to work, and I don't see him for two days. I have no real interaction with him. So he lays down, but he makes an irritated groaning noise. He's officially irritated with me wanting to be around him. Why? The only thing I can figure is I'm keeping him from his games. This is the relationship we should've had from the beginning because now I'm seeing how it really is. This is what everyday life would be like for us. He also got irritated the day before when I asked him to come sit on the couch and watch tv with me. My wanting his attention is apparently annoying. And the fact that we can't talk about us, and where we're going without fighting obviously says a lot.
He says I'm impossible to please. He also said I don't appreciate him which set me off, because I tell him EVERY SINGLE DAY how much I love and appreciate him. How lucky I am to have him in my life.

Also during the fight he said the words "I don't want to see you everyday" and "I want to be alone" and "I don't want to live with you." He shouted, so he must have meant them. I wonder if he could hear my heart breaking...

I was not by any means during this fight, saying we should move in together now. I was asking (trying anyway) to see if that was something that was going to happen for us. If he'd thought about it. The answer is of course not.

I wish wish wish from the bottom of my heart he could just say "baby, I know you want to know what I'm thinking in reference to us and ..." and just say it. Or be logical when I want to talk about things, instead of getting angry. I also assume he feels like I'm attacking him. I assure you, I'm not.

The only thing it takes to make me happy is a little attention. Talk to me for five minutes, and be affectionate. That's it. I don't care about diamonds. I don't insist you go out with me or anything. Just sit, rub my leg, and talk to me for a minute. Sometime I want to talk about us. Sometimes I want to talk about his work. Sometimes I want to talk about our friends, and sometimes I want to talk about working out our issues.

Baby, if you do end up reading this, I am not attacking you. I am venting my frustration in my head about what happened yesterday, and trying to figure out what to do. I really love you. And what happened yesterday really hurt me. I don't want you to be irritated at spending time with me. I want you to look forward to it. And I want to be able to talk about us without fighting.

K I'm gunna pass out now. I'll be by blogs later today. Love to you all.

Fuck April

I hope that by posting this blog I do not offend my dear friend Adam C in any way. I hope that my feelings do not infringe upon him. But here is my heart on paper, yet again:

April is a bull shit month. The first April years ago, it must be 3 now, I made a decision to put cocaine regularly out of my life. I saw what it was doing to me, and to those I cared about, especially the one I loved at that point. And when my love couldn't do the same he found another girl eager and willing to go down that path with him. Then I lost him, again. It hurt the worst of any of the times he'd strayed, or we'd broken up for a short time. She was vicious, and that was the hardest for me to deal with.
By the next April we were together again and living a semi normal life. He'd take my car to work and then come home. We'd watch tv and eat together, or have a night out depending. He was still impossible to get ahold of, and there were doubts in my mind about an old high school "friend" who was a little too flirty, even in front of me. But there was a show I was dying to see, and Chris promised to go. He knew it was important to me.

The night of the Sacha Sacket show arrived and just before he took the stage my phone rang. It was my dear friend James. We had spent a lot of time together that previous summer with Adam (not the proper stranger), and Michelle. We did many things together. Adam and I had grown rather close. He'd teach me Russian, He'd play Bach for me. We'd watch movies and talk about exploring other lands. He liked computer games, and had good taste. He'd been married, and had a hell of a last relationship but he was always willing to be open and talk. So when James called and told me Adam was in the hospital I took a breath in. When James said Adam wouldn't make it through the night I nearly dropped the phone. Sometime soon after, on a gorgeous April afternoon I went to his memorial. The cancer had gotten him. I'd beaten it, but the cancer had taken him.

Soon after at the end of April my love left me too. And I made my mind up that I was going home then, no matter the cost. Plans were set in motion for my return to Seattle. The memories and the pungent smell of loss were too much for my heart to handle.

Through Chris I met Adam, and through Adam I met Belle. Belle wrote to me on myspace, and requested to be my friend. Belle was honest. Sweet. She had an amazing heart looking out for Adam constantly. We kept in touch through emails, and I'd hear about what she was doing from her blog on myspace. Then Belle got sick. I felt helpless for both Belle, and Adam. What could I do? Belle lived in Pennsylvania. I wrote, and watched helplessly as time went on, and Belle finally came to rest early Saint Patty's day. When I read the news I was alone. In my room. And I cried.

Matt was a different story. I met Matt on the day I often refer to as the best day of my life. We had been planning a huge roll party. The first one I got to participate in. (I believe this was April too actually, though I'm not entirely sure.) That night I met Matt and Aime, and got to know everyone else well. We were rolling balls and high as fuck that evening. The love was thick, like being shrouded in a thick cloud of friends. Then Chris finally told me he loved me. Anyway, Matt and Aime were so sweet to me. It was a night to remember.
Matt came out to some of the "Almost Never" shows and even when Chris and I were going through a hard patch or broken up completely he and Aime were always awesome to me.
So when Adam sent me the text the other night again letting me know that Matt was on life support my heart broke. I couldn't believe it was happening again. Matt had taken too much of something to sleep. Something I had done myself, many times, once managing to take myself out. Again I sat there alone. No one to talk to about it because nobody here relates to it, or knows him. I texted Johnny and he sent a message back.
Death always throws me man. My Dad says so many of my friends have passed because I know so many people. But even at that... No one's seen me cry about it. No one's asking me how I am. For the record I'm ok, and really people should be asking Adam. But I'll drink away the pain as usual.

I'm aware that one night, not too far from now, I could not be able to sleep, and mix myself up a lethal cocktail of whatever I have on hand. And that thought alone makes me sad and frustrated. Why can't they figure out what's wrong with the sleep initially? I know it's dangerous!!! But there has to be a better way! People fucking die from this! When Heath Ledger's death happened I was a mess. I saw it coming for myself. Matt's death brings up pain for me, on many different levels.

I look at Johnny every fucking day while he's sleeping and pray that we have more time together. I watch him as he plays video games and I wonder if this will be the last day? I hate feeling so on edge all the time. And ps- nobody has asked me ONCE how I feel about the diagnosis. Not someone I don't need to lie and stay on the positive side with.

Here's the truth: It sucks. I'm in pain CONSTANTLY and I feel like I also complain constantly about how sick I feel. I bet that gets irritating. I wish there was someone I could just sit across from at the bar and talk until I'm blue about it and get it out of my system. I'm gunna be 26 in a matter of weeks here. Maybe that seems young, but when your time gets shortened... I really should write out my wishes in the case of an accidental o.d or a complication due to being sick. But that thought depresses me.

This week has been hell man, and like I said the universe has it out for me right now I think. Besides, it's Sunday which means it's Johnny's weekend away from me. So it's my alone time too. I pick up my friend Powder from the airport tomorrow, so if the entries are sparse this week, that's why. But I'm here, loving you all, coping, and I'll try to go back to being myself soon. ;)

My days are numbered

Sorry to post two today, but something must be said.

My car was broken into today by a junkie. I know cuz he found the alprazolam bottle and unless you've done it, you don't know what it is. Plus he picked that bottle up and none of the others. Shit, I needs my drugs, I never leave anything good in my car lol. Bet he thought he'd found the mother load when he found that empty bottle. Anyway, he stole my ipod.
So I spent all day getting the window repaired and when I finally make it home to drop off my keyboard, which is probably what attracted the pond scum to my car, My car as I'm backing out of the driveway on a very steep hill, across 2 lanes of 5 o clock traffic, stalls. The gas and brakes lock and I start to go down the hill. I thought I was going to die. I was surely going to hit someone else, but I realized I could maneuver the car into a driveway quickly, so I did. Saving my life. I got out and looked at the car, and someone watching said the tire was spinning and the other had locked. I dunno. Restarted the car though and made it home.

But it reminds me yet again why you should tell people you love them everyday, so I suppose if you're reading this I love you. :) But the universe is trying to tell me my days are numbered. Too many scary things this last week...

Exciting week

I wonder sometimes, why I emotionally hurt myself on purpose. Like when I would read Chris' texts when I KNEW he had been texting another girl. If I knew it, why did I have to know what they were saying to each other? Or why when I'm having a hard day because the memories are coming on a bit too strong, why I listen to music that makes it worse? Why do I stay in situations if they aren't right for me?
Am I really happier these days, or is it some elaborate trick of the mind because I don't cry everyday? Cuz there's still shit that hurts. I have more questions this morning than answers for myself I guess.

We had a show last night at the Rendezvous theater. It was fun. We played alright. I didn't feel we were as tight as usual, but lots of compliments afterward and things. I had this surge of feeling wash over me when I was watching the second band that none of those people wouldn't have been there if it hadn't of been for me. I planned the thing, and the bands, and the room was packed for us. I mean, full house. Strange. I didn't realize it was gunna be like that. Anyway I realized that the booking aspect of shows makes me feel accomplished, and it has results from it. You can see how well you did based on how many people show. I almost get more satisfaction doing that then playing now. I love planning get togethers and things too.
Anyway, I'm way fucking hung over today. The bar tender made STRONG drinks, and sometimes when I get excited I don't monitor my intake as much as usual. I was excited about yesterday. I was completely stoked when Johnny got to come for the end. That was all I wanted. I ate it up listening to the last band, for sure.

"You will look for comfort there and see that it is gone- That is when you'll dream a dream that I am you, and you are me- and then you'll see my love"

This entry is kind of scattered. I'm resisting the urge to be a total bitch and write what's on my mind. Johnny says he hates this blog because he comes off looking like a bad guy. Again, I don't get that at all, and part of the reason I switched addys to begin with was to cause less drama. Keep my thoughts somewhere away from people who know me in real life. It hurts me when he says this though, because it's like he's saying "I hate what you're thinking." It makes me hesitant even more to talk to him about things. I mean, he's there for me. He was there for me a couple nights ago when Adam told me about Matt needing to be taken off life support. (A friend I knew through our old roll group, Adam's relative actually.) And I appreciated that. But if he hates what I'm thinking, how can I tell him what I'm thinking? Besides, things with him are better when we're just joking around. He's so funny.
I wonder if this blog is like my first paragraph for him? He needs to know, even though it hurts? I don't want it to hurt him. Or anyone for that matter. I unlike many people, do care about who I hurt, because you never know what will affect someone forever. I think about that shit. I however wish I didn't extend that courtesy as often as I do. I know others don't for me. Besides, I don't have any desire to create more problems for us. For me.
I considered killing myself on Saturday again, thanks to the insomnia. I always think it's a good thing I don't have a gun around when I haven't slept in days. I really wish people would understand how bad it is. My brain won't shut off and I just think that if I could turn it off permanently it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Really, it would be like a mercy killing. Then I imagine people being relieved instead of sad because of the whole "well, she's out of pain now" mentality.

Speaking of dying, I ate some fucking nuts the other night and had a TERRIBLE reaction. Worst one I've ever had I'd say. The Benadryl wasn't working and as I'm starting to not breathe I'm sitting there thinking to myself "I'm not really going out like this am I?" And yet, I dawdled on going to the hospital. I was worried about the cost. Now that I'm thinking clearly I remember that oh yeah, it's free for me. Dumb ass. But it's been quite a week full of excitement. The power went out after a transformer exploded two nights ago. The frats I live by shot off fireworks. Big ones. So my roomie Jesse and I shot off some too.
Yup, it's been a week.

I've thoroughly been enjoying the Conjure One pandora station, but I'm thinking bout dragging my poisoned ass back to bed. I'll write again soon. I need to stop by your blog Andy, and haven't had a chance yet, but don't worry I will.

Love to you all and ps- I'm not gunna kill myself. That was just talk.

Audition +

Tonight I'm not sleeping. I'm out of pills. I'm with Johnny, he's sleeping away. I have to be up for rehearsal in a few hours, and I'm stressed because the lyrics aren't quite done for the new song yet, and I haven't had a chance to read the lyrics to the cover we're doing. I'm upset because I've turned down yet another show. I'm also worried about the audition I'm doing tomorrow evening for Candy. (It's another cover band but it's a paying gig in Vegas for the month of August.) Getting that audition would mean a lot of work. I'm daunted by it, but I didn't want to be so afraid of anything, so I called and made the audition anyway. I want to live while I have it.

I'm feeling more sick this week again. Not as much pain though, just more sick. It's probably related to the stress of helping my dad move, and now the music stuff. I want Flash Suppressor to just fucking work. I don't want to have to commit myself to a second band. I love it, don't get me wrong, but it's like taking on a second job. And I'm kind of afraid this could be the last year I could do anything like this. I'm concerned about how my body is gunna handle it now. My back aches, my skin burns, my stomach does something new and weird every day. I should've made the break from Utah sooner. I would've started my life here sooner, and been more on the correct path. There are other projects in the works if this one doesn't and I'd much rather do original music, but I also love Vegas. I need money. The time away and travel are things that would be good. Being away from Johnny would suck, but one our best days was the day I came back from Utah this last time. If it means I have him like that again, maybe even that would be worth it. (I just liked that day.)

I wish I had someone to talk to about what's really going on in my head these days, but I've pulled back from all intimate subjects with everyone. I don't trust anyone anymore. Not about what hurts my heart, or heals my soul. Fluff talk is fine. But I guess, in truth, the bother is nobody asks anyway even if I did have a change of heart. My Dad and I talk everyday and he asks me in a sincere voice how I feel that day, and I'll reply with whatever is easiest. That's as far as it goes.

I guess one of the other things that's always kind of bothered me is I've never felt like "home" any particular place. Seattle is home, don't get me wrong, but there isn't a place I return to and feel "at home." I felt that about the house I grew up in, til without telling me, my sister moved into my old room one weekend soon after I was sent to live with Dad here. She painted the walls lavender, and I had no say in the matter. I also had no say when my mom gave the dodge neon to my sister. It was new, and I was tarnsferred into my Dad's old Volvo, which, had always made me car sick ironically. My room was gone, and my shit was split between an upstairs room, and a downstairs room. I was sleeping on a futon in Seattle. I was dying inside to find something stable. But what I found was nothing, and no one to cling to until I met Bevin. That was an incredible turbulent time in my life.
I tell myself now that I like not staying in one place for too long. That it allows me to see more of an area. But lately I'm wondering if that attitude doesn't deep down perpetuate more of the old problems. If I want to feel secure somewhere, why do I sabotage it? And sabotage everything else for that matter.

Anyway, it's probably good that I'm protecting myself right now. I don't want to get close to people that will leave anyway. I'm tired of the abandonment. People don't say goodbye when they go. They just sort of dissappear.

In other news, Candace and I met through Levi Weaver's website and made fast friends. She lives in Utah oddly so it was easy because I still go there on occasion. Anyway, we met up for the first time last night. She brought along her husband and I brought along J and it was so much fun! We went to the Nightlite and got really shit faced. It was bad. I didn't have to drive though so I was pretty stoked. I dig her very much. She's sick too, so it was nice to have someone to relate to on that. It's kind of a downer so we didn't do much but brush on the subject. Seems she's feeling better these days though, which is great. Also told lots of Levi stories.

Ok, I'm gunna lay down and wish really hard I could sleep. Tomorrow is shaping up to be busy it seems. Hope I don't get lost.