I wonder sometimes, why I emotionally hurt myself on purpose. Like when I would read Chris' texts when I KNEW he had been texting another girl. If I knew it, why did I have to know what they were saying to each other? Or why when I'm having a hard day because the memories are coming on a bit too strong, why I listen to music that makes it worse? Why do I stay in situations if they aren't right for me?
Am I really happier these days, or is it some elaborate trick of the mind because I don't cry everyday? Cuz there's still shit that hurts. I have more questions this morning than answers for myself I guess.
We had a show last night at the Rendezvous theater. It was fun. We played alright. I didn't feel we were as tight as usual, but lots of compliments afterward and things. I had this surge of feeling wash over me when I was watching the second band that none of those people wouldn't have been there if it hadn't of been for me. I planned the thing, and the bands, and the room was packed for us. I mean, full house. Strange. I didn't realize it was gunna be like that. Anyway I realized that the booking aspect of shows makes me feel accomplished, and it has results from it. You can see how well you did based on how many people show. I almost get more satisfaction doing that then playing now. I love planning get togethers and things too.
Anyway, I'm way fucking hung over today. The bar tender made STRONG drinks, and sometimes when I get excited I don't monitor my intake as much as usual. I was excited about yesterday. I was completely stoked when Johnny got to come for the end. That was all I wanted. I ate it up listening to the last band, for sure.
"You will look for comfort there and see that it is gone- That is when you'll dream a dream that I am you, and you are me- and then you'll see my love"
This entry is kind of scattered. I'm resisting the urge to be a total bitch and write what's on my mind. Johnny says he hates this blog because he comes off looking like a bad guy. Again, I don't get that at all, and part of the reason I switched addys to begin with was to cause less drama. Keep my thoughts somewhere away from people who know me in real life. It hurts me when he says this though, because it's like he's saying "I hate what you're thinking." It makes me hesitant even more to talk to him about things. I mean, he's there for me. He was there for me a couple nights ago when Adam told me about Matt needing to be taken off life support. (A friend I knew through our old roll group, Adam's relative actually.) And I appreciated that. But if he hates what I'm thinking, how can I tell him what I'm thinking? Besides, things with him are better when we're just joking around. He's so funny.
I wonder if this blog is like my first paragraph for him? He needs to know, even though it hurts? I don't want it to hurt him. Or anyone for that matter. I unlike many people, do care about who I hurt, because you never know what will affect someone forever. I think about that shit. I however wish I didn't extend that courtesy as often as I do. I know others don't for me. Besides, I don't have any desire to create more problems for us. For me.
I considered killing myself on Saturday again, thanks to the insomnia. I always think it's a good thing I don't have a gun around when I haven't slept in days. I really wish people would understand how bad it is. My brain won't shut off and I just think that if I could turn it off permanently it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Really, it would be like a mercy killing. Then I imagine people being relieved instead of sad because of the whole "well, she's out of pain now" mentality.
Speaking of dying, I ate some fucking nuts the other night and had a TERRIBLE reaction. Worst one I've ever had I'd say. The Benadryl wasn't working and as I'm starting to not breathe I'm sitting there thinking to myself "I'm not really going out like this am I?" And yet, I dawdled on going to the hospital. I was worried about the cost. Now that I'm thinking clearly I remember that oh yeah, it's free for me. Dumb ass. But it's been quite a week full of excitement. The power went out after a transformer exploded two nights ago. The frats I live by shot off fireworks. Big ones. So my roomie Jesse and I shot off some too.
Yup, it's been a week.
I've thoroughly been enjoying the Conjure One pandora station, but I'm thinking bout dragging my poisoned ass back to bed. I'll write again soon. I need to stop by your blog Andy, and haven't had a chance yet, but don't worry I will.
Love to you all and ps- I'm not gunna kill myself. That was just talk.
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I would NOT be relieved if you killed yourself. I would be totally heartbroken. So don't you dare do it. I've had periods of depressive insomnia, too, though nowhere as near as bad as yours, and I can understand having that thought. It's to be expected due to the circumstances.
ReplyDeleteYour first paragraph could totally have been written by me. I would have to read the texts, too. It's human nature, babe. I also listen to sad dark music (like The Smiths or The Cure) when I'm depressed. We are peas in a damn pod.
Also, I have to say that I don't think J. comes off bad at all. I like him and sense that he treats you well and makes you happy. I guess we are always uneasy to be written about for public consumption. That, too, is human and understandable.
Love you, my dear,
SB