Tuesday, July 20, 2010

2 Shit-tastic days

This day has gone to shit. When I went to bed last night I had asked Johnny to call and talk to me after yesterday, because yesterday had been a crap day too. When I got up I found out there was someone coming to look at *my* room in my current house because I had told Lauren I *thought* I found a place on Friday that would work. I told her I would know for sure by 5pm, and if she could wait that long, (which was 3 hours at that point) I would tell her for sure. Before I even got to the appointment an hour later she had rented my room out, and was kicking me out by the first either way. Which was perfect, because then I found out they had rented the apartment Deb and I wanted out from under us as well. So... The manager took us to another location which is 2 minutes away from the one we wanted. Not as charming, but much larger. So we agreed. Exchanged money and lease agreements. I felt really backed into a corner, and not comfortable with the idea. I was mad at Lauren for putting a strangers needs before mine, a friend. Then I came home and started packing my shit.

My grandmother sent me a little money which was the only bright spot to the day. I didn't feel like driving to the store, so I ate the last thing in my fridge, some broccoli and got back online and did jack shit. Johnny hadn't text or called when I finally decided to call it a night at 1:30. It's not like him, so with the silence I kind of started to think something had gone wrong and he didn't want to talk about it. When it happened before it meant my ex was somewhere he shouldn't have been. I know better than that of Johnny, but it still doesn't sit well. I layed down anyway, figuring J and I would talk the next day. But as I started to drift off my phone buzzed. J was letting me know he was at a party and lost track of time. I thanked him for letting me know and went to sleep. Sort of.

Got up this morning and popped onto facebook to find that I was in a relationship, but not with Johnny anymore. I panicked. I thought "oh my god, something WAS wrong and he just didn't want to talk about it. I'm gunna get broken up with and facebook is telling me before he is." So then during my little panick attack I had a moment of "calm down, you should probably talk to him about it." So I figured I'd text him. Then I was like "fuck that, I gotta know now." So I called him and he told me it wasn't true. We were fine. But by then I'd started crying as a reaction. I told him I loved him and we got off the phone. Cried for a few more minutes and then pulled myself together. Then I seriosuly wished I had Xanax, because nothing was gunna calm me down completely. Instead I began to work through the mess that is the ticket and suspended licence. I figured it was a day shot to shit as it were. So... it is indeed a fucking mess, and one that's going to take some time to resolve. Because the cop screwed me, and said I had no proof of insurance. But I've never driven uninsured. He also got my birthday wrong on the ticket, which I hadn't noticed til today. Then I got ANOTHER parking ticket outside on my street. I'm not fucking leaving this space. I'll need food, but I don't want to go anywhere but Johnny's.

And I'm straight up saying tomorrow has to be a better day. Fuck. Waking up next to J and some karaoke. That's all I want. Point and fact J is all I want. Once I'm around him again, I'll feel better.

I know.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


I got some bad news at the doctor the other day. I'm not terribly upset about it. I was for about five minutes, then I shrugged and realized there's nothing I can do to change it, so let's just go with it. In happy-ish news however, they will likely take my ass of the ambien and put me back on Xanax which makes this chick stoked. I love Xanies cuz they work well. Plus I don't act weird on them. They don't leave time for it.

So... This part is where I rant for a moment. Please take it at face value.

I took Amber of my facebook updates about 2 weeks ago because I really got tired of what she was saying. I stopped wanting to know. All it was doing was hurting me, and in turn hurting my relationship with J which likely is exactly the point. I have never hated her- I've felt a lot of emotions for that person, but hate was never one.
But I'll be damned if she isn't trying hard to get me to hate her.
I found out days after the post that she had said some shit which was a lie, and I'm positive directed at me. It implied that I read her and J's conversation on messenger.
That implies a few things, none of which are good. Most disturbingly that I don't trust Johnny. First off I do. Secondly, that she thinks I care about her drivel directed at him. I know it's rare he responds to what she's saying. I have a general idea of the stuff she says, based on conversations Johnny and I have had. None of it is earth shattering, or worth my time. Thirdly that she is willing to take that drama to the public. Especially to the 20 something friends we have in common. They aren't stupid. They know it was directed at me. I will say this:
When she has popped up on messenger and I'm sitting there I will sometimes close the window out. I don't want to even see her name somedays. I really honestly don't need to know how much she loves him, thus I've stopped reading her updates. All they do is piss me off generally anyway.
I will also say I've drafted in my head an email many times directed at her which I've never written down. And finally after debating whether or not to do so and send it- I've decided to be the bigger person. And ignore it. If she wants to passive aggressively and accuse me of shit so be it. Johnny doesn't need an e war between 2 chicks essentially fighting over him. How fucking lame is that. Besides, I have him. She doesn't. She's jealous. And apparently vindictive. (I will say with friends like her, he doesn't need enemies. More to the point someone who uses the term 'bff' which frankly sounds like a twitard phrase anyway.) Someone who was once my "friend" continues to hurt me continually, just as she did when we were "friends." I hope people see that the reason I stopped being her friend was because I finally saw through it. She didn't care about me or my happiness. Just her selfish motives. This isn't me saying catty shit either, let's be clear. This is the ONLY place I'm saying this. I haven't even said anything to J. It would just cause a fight.
I'm really at the end of my teather with her. The snap is coming. I swear to God if I catch her rolling her eyes at me once more or talking down at me... I have been the bigger person in this, the whole time. But you can only push me so far. I have respected her. Her space. Her time with J (though I haven't always liked it.) I have given her the benefit of the doubt. I think that chapter is closed. I did my damndest, I really did. As I said I don't hate, I'm just done dude.

It's 3:30, I'm supposed to have been to bed thirty minutes ago. I'm out of pills. Trying to keep to a schedule. I'm also home tonight with my boyfriend sleep aide, so that makes it harder too. Alastair contacted me today too, he's been going through some rough stuff and asked if I'd come keep him company. I agreed. So I spent a couple hours there watching bad music videos, doing laundry and conversating. He smoked some weed and drank. I opted to do neither. Went home round midnight and talked to Lauren for awhile. Apparently her band and Johnny's band are going to play a show on Saturday together at a venue I really like, so it'll be a few social circles in one place. I like those days.

I'm always with words to say still when I start winding down the entries. One day I'm gunna write an epic blog. Soon. But I'm in too much pain tonight to keep going. Time to call the doc for more codeine I guess. I was hoping to do without. Ahh well. There are worse things.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


Ahh, here I am again. I'm starting this off with thoughts, then maybe I'll move onto experiences.

First off when I started blogging I was blogging. About my stupid little life, and minor stuff that was happening at the time. I was dating. I had just moved to Seattle. Things weren't as dramatic back then as they had been prior to my moving, or in some things after. Since those days I've realized how important this blog was to me. How important it was to be honest. And I realized tonight it's because even though this blog started off the way it did, what it has become is a tool for self discovery. I work through my shit here. And even though I feel I still have tons of shit to come to terms with, it's less than it was.

A big part of who I am is me as a girlfriend, and the person I am in a relationship with makes up a huge amount of my experiences and feelings. On days when I feel my relationship is strong and I feel I'm loved, well those are my better days. If this is part of the love addiction than I understand that aspect. On days when I don't know where my relationship is going, then I start to doubt where my future is going. My bands, my location, my illness, my life. Lonliness is one of the cruelist emotions. I can be without my significant other- as long as I have time in advance to know. To make other plans, so I don't have to be by myself. That as I came to realize through my writings, is my greatest trigger for self destruction.

When I was younger I was angry, all the time. I expressed it nearly constantly, but always, always directed inward. Outward was never an option. These days I don't feel angry so much as guilty. This past week especially I wish I could go back to before I made some of my major mistakes. I wonder who that person was, and if I really was all that different. I absolutely hate that I can't express a strong opinion anymore, because I'm afraid of isolating people, or getting them angry at me. Then I get mad at myself for not sticking up for myself yet again. I am CONSTANTLY in B personality mode and it kills me. I come from a family of alpha females. Instead of learning how to compete with them as my sister did, I learned to go with the tide so as to stay out of trouble. I let people cross my boundaries all the time, and I know it's hard to respect someone you can take advantage of. But it's also hard to turn away from someone offering you everything you want. I've been on both sides.

Since the beginning of this blog I've watched some of mental stuff fade, and I've made concerted efforts for this. I went to yet another counselor last year who was the worst yet. I don't seek out therapy when I'm feeling I need something so much, as I do when I want to improve myself, to know myself better. People that are not self aware at all drive me crazy. I know my faults. Sometimes I feel people say things that are untrue. Even people who know me best, or the parts I let them see. Especially when I work so hard to correct them. It really hurts when people don't see it.
The second part to this of course as my mind I feel has improved some, my body has gotten worse and nothing has been so evident as this last week. I wonder sometimes if at the beginning of this all, if I hadn't said "fuck it time is short, let's have fun" if I would've had longer feeling better. Not that I have regrets. My only regret is having hurt anyone on any level. As I write this now I realize how much my life revolves around it. Avoiding it, and accepting it depending on the day.

I've always been broke. My parents help me with the necessities, but even at that they haven't always. I've never had money to spend on things I wanted. My biggest spend was on a new stereo with money I was saving to visit Seattle when I was working at Toys R Us. That was $250. I only had it for a few months before I traded it as rent for a place to stay for ten days, back when times were the hardest they've been. I hate relying on others for things. I wish I had more control over things so that I could really see what I could do. Or who I could be.
Talking to my dad over messenger today he said "you really need a break." I'm wondering what he meant exactly, because I don't get a break. Not from this body or this existance. Even going someplace would only be postponing what's here and I need to handle this shit right now.

My solace is Johnny. Even though we fight, when I walk through the door of his place I don't feel anything but relief and happiness to be there. All the jokes make the relationship more light hearted than any other I've been in. He hates it when I compare things. I don't think he realizes how favorably I compare this to others though. There is more companinship to this relationship. More stability too. I'm not constantly worried about where he is, or who he's meeting. When he gives me attention I just light up. Whenever I get a text I secretly hope it's him. I have felt the same excitedness about him I did on our very first date, even though before I was officially in love I was able to act more cool. My cool factor is such an illusion. The only thing "cool" about me is my music I think.

I love playing shows. I love the feeling I get when Flash starts to understand one of my songs. We played our last 2 before our summer hiatis. On our last show we got cut off early because the other douche bag bands complained about their time slots and we got pushed to last. I wasn't happy. I think partly because I don't know if it will be my last performance with that band. They're sick of me missing practice in the morning. I don't do it on purpose or maliciously. I want to be there, I really do. But I can't make my insomnia let me work in the AM. Bands usually rehearse in the evenings, and it's been easier to do that in the past. Not that it's ever been different with Flash, we've always rehearsed in the AM. But motivation was easier when we were working for something. Plus I feel like what I'm writing now isn't what they want anymore too. They want harder songs. I can only write certain sounds with a piano. We'll see how it goes.

Dad keeps urging me to do booking. I'm wondering what is stopping me right now. I fucking loved booking for my band when we started booking. I worked on that shit literally 12 hours a day for like, 2 weeks. I wasn't bored. I had purpose. I wasn't a dilweed about it like some of the bookers I know. And they all seem to be the same person around here ps.

I have a doctors appointment in 2 hours. I need to get offline. There's more to write but no time, and my back is killing me. Love to you all. I'll be back soon.