Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Entry Two (Pity?)

I'm taking a momentary lapse in my happiness to write because of something that happened tonight.

I went to my car to go to the grocery store. I couldn't drag myself away from my warm bed, dvds and video games today to do it. I am so fucking lazy when it comes to grocery buying. So midnight I walked to my car to find ANOTHER DAMN TICKET on it. See, I live in a part of town where you have to have a zoning permit to park on the street and I don't have one. There are only 4 left in my area; You have to have the car registered to you; to your current address. The car is registered to my Dad, at our old addy in Everett. I also don't plan on staying here forever, and it's a bit of money for a temporary thing. Sigh. So, on this magical ticket in the notes section written in caps it says IMPOUND.

If they impound my car I will shit bricks. Yes, I have gotten well over 20 tickets in the last year. Mostly because there is no good parking out near Johnny's and that used to be Russian Roulette. (It's fairly safe now there.) Now here, it's the same fucking deal. So I called my Dad asking him what to do, because if the car gets impounded it's going to affect me, but also him and that makes me feel.like.shit. I don't want to disappoint him, have him be mad at me. He's the only fucking man I've ever been able to count on through everything. Anyway I cried to him apologizing for being such a fuck up. He said not to worry about the car, we will handle it when it happens. But... he takes care so much of my grandmother, I would like to finally be a bit more independent from him. Not to mention when this conversation happened, it started to rear up old childhood shit.

I'm a fuck up because I do things the way I do. And I do things the way I do because of how I was raised. And I was raised by a controlling and abusive woman. I can't be fucking angry at anyone ever because it brings up such crap for me. If you want a stretch here- I want to be loved right now, because of the love and affection I was never allowed to have as a kid. I reach to Johnny sometimes, just because he will *let me* touch him. How fucked up is that? So because of that, because I can touch him and he fills in some holes that I have in me, I did whatever I had to to get it. Aka park where I could to see him, which resulted in a few too many tickets which, btw, most are paid off! Not only that but I began to wonder... Have I ever actually mourned my childhood? My innocence? How so much of my life was robbed from me by different events? I don't talk about any of the traumas that have happened in real life because nobody wants to hear about that! They want to be around someone funny, and nice. Not someone depressed. Or someone who needs to hash out old wounds. But... I still do in many ways. I can't get better until I deal with some of the shit- but that will never be because my mom will never admit any of the terrible things happened. So, my dad pays the price, as do I.

It makes me want to cry when he says he's sorry he stood by and watched her do those things to me, and he didn't intervene. It hurts me he feels bad about it, because I gladly took the abuse so he didn't have it. And unfortunately that happened all the time. Does that make me a victim or a martyr I wonder? I can't express what I'm feeling now as I write this. Cold, alone, wrecked, and fucking messy. Dad should be proud of himself for being able to break the pattern, and get us both here, and healthier. I'm still happy here, and happy with so many aspects of my life- I guess what I'm feeling now is a reflection of my past life. It's always waiting to pounce on nights like these when something sets me off, and suddenly I'm taking a Xanax to slake off the weight of the world that was. (I may have to take a second.)

I look at my poor ten year old self and want to just yank her aside and say "someday you'll remember what you're going through, and you'll never have to fall into what your parents do and dont want you to do. The glasses and bionator will pass. You'll start to feel sexy one day. You will find love, even though it feels you're unlovable now. Someday- Someone will hug you. And they'll mean it. Not as a forced act to someone who thinks that it fixes all the pain they just did to you. Someday you'll achieve some of your dreams."
Then yank away the twelve year old and say- this will define sex for you, forever. You just need to know he gets caught, and they send him to jail. This will make you afraid of the law forever though. So be more careful."
I'd comfort myself on the weekends I had to leave Josh again, for weeks at a time and tell myself "this isn't the last good guy you'll know- and you may end the relationship because you want different things and it'll hurt like hell, but it'll pass and you'll meet one of your soul mates." Then I would tell myself to avoid Area and that soul mate all together haha.
Then I'd tell myself that you were going to meet one of the most handsome men you've ever seen. And he's everything you want on paper. And he's gunna ask you to be his girlfriend. And you're gunna be really happy. Even when you're away from him, because even thinking about him makes you giddy. He's gunna hold your hand through something that is gunna hurt like hell both emotionally and physically. And at the end of the day you'll have your own secret language and way of life.
I'd warn her about the anger issues, and the drugs, but tell her to embrace new experience. That it's ok to be sad about what happened, cuz that's part of the process.

So tonight, in closing, I'm trying to be ok with everything that's happened, and I'm telling myself it's ok to feel what I need to feel about everything that's happened. It's a work in progress, but at least I've stopped crying now and can likely sleep. I'm gunna take one more Xanie to be sure.

I love so many aspects of my life now. I'm sad I had to go through such shit to be here- but I'm glad I'm here.


I'm just gunna write tonight as a stream of consciousness thing.

Sunday I felt a serious crashing wave of sadness leaving Johnny's house for the two days we wouldn't see each other. I mean it. There were tears for about a minute til I realized I hadn't checked my phone in two days, so I wiped my eyes and checked my phone and saw a text from my Dad. His friend had bailed out on helping him move his heavy furniture, so I called him up and he sounded super depressed. I agreed to do whatever I could. I'd do anything for my Dad. The only thing was, that day my pain level was somewhere between an 8.5 and 9.5. I'd had a charlie horse early that morning (which is still killing me btw) and I was dehydrated because Johnny and I had eaten literally the worst fries of my life the night before because they SEVERELY over salted. Plus the drinking= worse pain, and then I had a back spasm. My dad literally couldn't have picked a worse day to have me help not to mention we were at the beginning of a rain storm. Determined to help no matter what I popped some codeine and drove to Everett and literally lifted and moved furniture for the next two hours. I was sore but I didn't disappoint my Dad. He was so relieved to have me. Which made me feel needed. Which I'd forgotten how much I needed... :)

I've been consulting my tarot cards a lot more recently. And they have been extremely confusing as of late. I have two decks of cards. Very different. One is the Thoth deck, and one is the Gilded Deck. So I may do that when I'm through writing.

I've been doing so much booking, and hooking up other bands and such that my Dad gave me the advice to just start doing it for other bands, and charging a little commission. Since then, I've realized I'm much more happy when I've been doing it, because it makes me feel productive and it gives me something fulfilling to do. So I'm seriously considering how to go about it. (I mean for other bands, not just my band Flash Suppressor.) Which reminds me- I'm in negotiation with two other projects right now that seem to be going somewhere. I'm hoping they come to fruition, especially one called Lefthead. They write really great music...

I'm done again for now. :)

Monday, March 29, 2010

Gah blah psss

I'm happy, which is why I haven't been writing. I've been staying at Johnny's a lot. I've dissappeared into relationship world, and it's a great place to be.

Problem is... I think I'm gunna sabotage it or something is gunna go wrong, because I am fucking happy and as far as a relationship is concerned, that's about the time it ends. Not to mention I gain weight when I get happy. But... this is the most normal thing I've ever been in. It's stopped ceasing to be predictable in the days we'll hang out and such- but more there's a comfortable sense of security there and I'VE NEVER HAD THAT. This secure thing.

So on the weight thing- I still think about it all the time. And I feel guilty when I eat. And I keep perpetually telling myself I'll start running in Spring again, which means I gotta start now. So, I'm making myself a promise and I'm gunna start running (what I can do without murder on my lungs) by Thursday. I also get more food on the fourth, and I'm gunna do the fruits I can eat, and lots of veggies. I wish I could do a gym membership again or better yet, have a treadmill in my room. I'd be all over that all the time. And of course, the old cocaine diet crosses my mind from time to time. But, the truth is I'm just feeling lazy, like a content old cat twitching my tail. I watch J play his video games now and that sense of normalcy overwhelms me and sometimes I just smile. And it makes me want to just lay there and be content. But self improvement never rested on the laurels of watching your super hot songwriting boyfriend play video games while you sit there feeling that way. Besides, I want to keep him, so the best way to do that is to get back to motivated me that loses the weight every year. So I'll just put on my red magic hoodie, his songs on my ipod and focus on his face while I drag my ass up and down the hills of Ravenna. I'll know by two shows from now, and those pictures wheather or not I'm doing well at it I guess.

By the way, on that note we had a surprise last minute show Saturday. That's a whole blog entry in itself, which I'm sure you'll have likely tomorrow, but truth be told it was a blast and Johnny did the greatest thing he could by coming to Everett with me and supported me last minute. I know he knows the next song we're adding to the line up is one most def inspired by him, it's the first song I've never written post mortum. It's also... I can't believe I'm saying this... A love song. My metal band is going to add a love song I wrote about my current love. And honestly, I have no shame in saying it. I don't have to be ambiguous about what the lyrics mean, or why, or who they are about. That's so not hard core and I don't give a fuck. There's nothing stupid about being with somebody you're crazy about and again, gasp, he treats you well.

My computer is doing weird things with this entry now, so I'm gunna log off for the night and take my pills. I promise to write again sooner than I have been. Hope you all get some sleep too.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Just Stupid

I was smart once. I really was, and I hated it. I thought it ostracized me from my peers. It hadn't gotten me anywhere, because I didn't know how to apply myself. The tests at school were too easy, a lot of the time I was bored. I read a lot, because I liked it better than the stuff on tv during my youth. My first show I liked on my own that wasn't one my family all watched, was Daria.

I scored on the 98th percentile on my S.A.Ts two years in a row. I basically had straight As, and shortly after that I started wanting to kill myself. Being smart sure as hell didn't make me happy. At the time it seemed it was making me unhappy. At the time I tested as a 152 IQ. That's genius level technically. (Not that I'm bragging.)

Moving to Whidbey Island coincides with the time I pretty much started feeling sick. That's when the grades started seriously dropping. I couldn't, and still can't do math. But I still wasn't stupid. After the lumpectomy I met Alastair and he introduced me to pot.

I liked doing it at first because it was something no one would have expected of me. It was a little risky, and it was fun. I liked sharing something like that with Ali, because in my 18 year old mind I thought it made us closer. I loved him, but we didn't really have a hell of a lot in common.
After awhile I didn't see the big deal in pot anymore. Just meh, didn't have a desire.

Then I had to start taking the sleeping pills. That was before I could drink even. Then the drinking started when I turned 21. I found out far too many nights what mixing the two together would do. Frankly it turned me into an insane person who did crazy things that I would have absolutely no recollection of the next morning.

Then Chris really showed me how to roll properly, and suddenly I was in love with it. It was a year or so after that I started realizing I wasn't as smart as I used to be. I was saying things that I knew were wrong and having to correct myself an instant later. Spelling was always a breeze for me, and I was having trouble spelling on occasion. I was having trouble retaining new information I'd learned even moments before, which made me ask again, which made me look stupid.

In some sick way, years after I wished I wasn't smart anymore, it seems I'm average. Not even average, I come off ditsy sometimes people tell me. I realize I come off as agreeable, but I'd never considered ditsy.

I suppose people that take the time and get to know me realize I'm still sort of smart, but not like I was. I find it a little disturbing when I really sit down and think about it, but really, it doesn't bother me. I have to consider what went into it, and all I can think is the E and the sleeping pills. Do I wish I could sleep? Yeah, but there's nothing I can do about that. As far as the E bombs, well dude, some of my best experiences were on that drug, so would I trade those nights for anything? Nope. I would've made the exact same decisions again. So, I'm here I think 50% because I had no choice, and 50% because I fucking lived and did something fun for myself, something I never did when I was young and "smart."

Do I want to be that smart again? Sometimes, but I'm already prone to getting bored quickly, and the being smarter thing I think would just speed up the a.d.d. because I'd get frustrated with not having money for books, and more college. Instead I live for myself and make myself happy because I can, and because I was told I wasn't gunna have the same life span as most people. Considerably shorter.
I think living to 80 with the kind of pain I experience would be a cruel fate anyway. Unless a miracle happens, I'm ok with doing another 5-10 years and bowing out gracefully. I'm not gunna die tomorrow, or even next week. I'm not having a flare period, and those are really the only times I think I'm gunna die sooner.

While I'm frustrated with my brain sometimes, I've made peace with the fact that we all have choices, and maybe some people would say they weren't smart choices, but they were mine and I made them the best I could. That geeky 4th grader inside me is thanking me for all the cool stuff I've gotten to experience that I never would have if I hadn't changed. (That geeky 4th grader wakes up next to Johnny in the mornings and watches him sleep for a moment thinking "how did I end up with someone so good looking? He never would have given me the time of day if he had known me then.")

So brain, thanks for functioning. Sorry I've been hard on you, and likely will be in the future, but at least I don't feel the way I did about my brain when I was young.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The weekend (was awesome)

Ok, now that I got my rant off my chest yesterday, I want to blog about the weekend now, hehe. It's likely a longer one. 1

I'd been so worried about the show since Monday. Unable to sleep, nervous when I'd think about it- I had never been nervous before a performance before. Not plays, other solo shows, nothing, but this meant more to me I guess. I couldn't even get excited until Friday, when I finally started feeling prepared enough. Johnny had a show the same day at a bar not too far away, so I was really hoping we could catch each others sets, but that wasn't meant to be.

I got up Friday and felt a surge of adrenaline immediately. I showered, and spent forever doing my hair and makeup. I got into my clothes which took awhile because fishnet stockings are a bitch. Then I grabbed my keyboard and headed for the car. I kept reminding myself to breathe, this was gunna be awesome, and also reminded myself not to fuck up. :)

We ran through a few songs when I got to the rehearsal space, then we packed up the gear. We headed, in slow fashion (as there was crazy traffic) to the Red Line. We got there and I laid my eyes upon the stage for the first time. All anxiety left me. It was gunna be fine.
Setting up took awhile, but I ordered myself a vodka cran and promised myself I was gunna limit myself to one before the show. I hadn't had time to eat that day or much that week at all. I kept my word.

We got on stage at exactly 9 and began, and powered through our set. I couldn't hear myself sing very well at all over all the noise. But the crowd was awesome and I had such fun. It was over so quickly. Just as I knew it would be.
My friend Jeff came to support me, bless his heart, and we had a couple drinks after I got off stage. But the energy changed and I was ready to try and see Johnny play. So we hopped over to the Skylark, though we were too late to hear Post Ado.
Then Johnny and I went back to his place and went to sleep.

The next night was the date he had planned to go to dinner at The Brooklyn and I borrowed a dress from Lauren that was gorgeous. We had an absolutely WONDERFUL meal and I tried oysters for the first time. Johnny and I then walked to the Union bar for drinks, but I was so full! So we drank slowly and really talked again. Talking to him has become so easy and natural I finally have the feeling like I've known him for a long while. I feel like I can tell him anything now, and he makes me laugh on a daily basis. We went to the Hula Hula after awhile, which as far as Seattle is concerned has my favorite staff at any bar. Course, I still have mad love for Terrance at the Crescent. That birthday was awesome.

Sunday we had to go to Johnny's brother's place for dinner celebrating his two years of sobriety. He made steak and potatoes and veggies and it was delicious, but I felt awkward some of the time. I don't know Chris (J's bro- hey I just realized we both have brothers named Chris, weird...) very well, as any time I've tried to talk with him or ask him things about himself he's been curt with me. Amber met Chris first and I'm pretty sure there is a bit of picking sides there. Not my doing, as I said, I don't really know him. I'd like to. He seems like a really cool guy, and if he is anything like his brother, I'm sure I'd adore him.
But on a related line Amber and Chris' girlfriend Nicole have made fast friends, and again I don't know her very well either for the same reason.
I have no reason to force myself on these people, or make them like me. I think eventually they'll come around as everyone else has, but it does hurt as well. I don't want to be on the outside- and the fact that Nicole and Amber refer to themselves as sisters now, well...
Not only that, but if Nicole ever does decide that it's ok to be nice to me, Amber's put her in an awkward position because Nicole and Chris will likely feel put in the middle. That's not fair to anyone, and I don't want that to happen.
I hope Johnny's friends that are friendly with me don't feel that way. I would never make it so you had to pick a side. People that read this are biased because they know me, and really what is this blog if not me me me?
I hope Amber doesn't feel I've turned anyone against her, because really other people bring it up before I do. She bit Summer, which ended their friendship but Summer and I became friends quickly and were thick as thieves for awhile. I think she was probably hurt by that, because Summer was her friend first. But... Summer's a cool chick and we just got each other right away.
Besides, Summer told me what Amber said about me. That's why Summer was resistant to being friends with me originally.

Anyway, the dinner was great and it was fun talking to Johnny's bandmates and Michelle, but I didn't feel comfortable jumping right into the conversations that were going on around me with people Amber had met before I did. I just never know exactly what's been said, or how they feel and again, there's no reason to cause trouble or anything. So I spent most of the evening near Johnny and kept to myself. I was so tired that night too, and feeling a little on the ill side. The stress of the last week had caught up with me that evening I think. But back at Johnny's we had a couple glasses of wine and called it an early night.

Since Sunday I've been on a bit of an emotional ride. Not like, to terrible extremes or anything. I'm blissfully happy around J, or just thinking about him when I'm home, but there's been band drama and I'm frustrated with that, and then the whole Amber trigger made me a little upset. I've been bored, and while I'm working on a rendition of a Natasha Beddingfield song, my muse is absent as always happens when I get happy, haha. Why can I only write when I'm miserable?

We're having a fucking huge party here Saturday for Lauren's bday, and I'm excited for it, but I'm also nervous because I'm wondering when the noise will die down. I just don't wanna get no sleep strung out again. Last week was terrible for that.

And in other news (then I'll shut up, promise) I intend to drink all day on St. Patty's like any good Irish girl would do. I'm also considering making traditional Irish fare that day. But that used to be my mom's job. I guess I'll attempt it, since I haven't.

Ok, til next time peeps. Stay amazing.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Girl Anger

I had a really amazing weekend, and I can't wait to tell all about the show, the date and the party, but right now I need to vent and this is likely the only place I can.

I feel absolutely lost sometimes, in this moment, because I've finally realized you can't trust anyone. Ever. After the whole Frank thing I will never get that close to someone again. I won't tell my life story, of my illness, I won't discuss serious matters or ask for advice from anyone I don't know already and trust a little, and those people are few and far between.

But the reason I feel the need to vent, the trigger for this whole thing was something Amber said. Now, she's said it before and I understand she's allowed to say what she feels, but she said she loved Johnny. Ok, fine. But then she posts pics of him tagged to facebook, and says he loves her back and I suddenly am irritated because she's putting a strong emotion, for another woman I've felt threatened by, into MY boyfriend's mouth.

Then I see JaeCee is writing stuff about Chris and about how wonderful he is to her and blah blah blah, and I just got into this head space where I want to just scream for a second.
I haven't felt this sort of irritation slash anger since before December, I'm wondering whjy it's coming back up now.

But these are just two examples of women who given the chance, would cut me down to be with the man that I have. Both of whom I had extended some of myself to. WITH NO INTENT OF GETTING ANYTHING RETURNED. And instead, I was hurt by both of them, and continue to be hurt by one. I don't understand why exactly, or what I've done to deserve it, but honestly I need to say something, set boundaries, stick to my guns, and stop giving a shit about what people think about me. Any of them. The friends that circle, the people that aren't even involved. I don't care about what Amber thinks or JaeCee for that matter, but I do care about hurting them, God knows why. Does this make me a bigger person? Or a complete fucking pussy?

Do people just exist to hurt each other? Why is it EVERYONE I get close to, hurts me? Am I perpetuating a childhood cycle?

On the flip side, I absolutely adore Lauren and Greta. I like being around them, I love the friendships I'm developing with them, but they are going slowly. Planned to be that way. It's easier on me, because both of them have boyfriends. Which means, hopefully, they'll stick to that and not cross lines, unlike the single women I have met.
I guess to admit I am most vulnerable when it comes to love, is to state the obvious. When someone is able to fuck with that, it hurts me more than any single act.

There is nothing in the world that feels the same as walking down the streets you know, in the light, with a complete fucking broken heart. It feels utterly wrong. I have done more than my share of it, I think.

But I have never "stolen" another girl's boyfriend, nor have I tried. I would never end something for someone I cared for.
I just want to protect my own heart, my own interests, and my own sanity.
I wish other people would protect it too.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Commitment :) (Happiness)

I was watching my Big Fat Greek wedding this morning to pass the time because I hadn't seen it in awhile and it made me think a few things.

First of all, of course, my mind drifted to marriage. What it means, why people want it, and my own take on the whole business.

When I started making noises about it to Chris, it was in a joking manner to test the waters, see where he stood, whether he'd ever get married again, and if he'd ever considered me. For a year we'd joke about it. Then one day we weren't really joking anymore.
As a kid, I never thought about it. Never planned for it. Never had those girlie fantasies or anything. My sister would talk about it, and having kids. I was much more focused on having a music career. Truly, when I thought about what I wanted for my future I saw a stage. Lights.
Course, I did start off being pretty boy crazy fairly young. It always saddened me they were never that crazy about me. But that never translated into getting married. Just the cool butterfly feeling I'd get about a new guy every couple weeks.

Then Josh came into my life and I started visualizing living together with him, out on his family's land when I graduated high school. It seemed distant, like, it was never really going to happen but at the same time it made me happy to think about. Then we matured differently and so the idea ended, more quickly than it had begun. Then that sort of commitment never even entered my mind again until Chris.
Chris was a completely separate case though. It was love from day one and I told everyone I thought he was going to change my life. And he did- but not for the better.
The first time I really thought about marriage was when he woke me up that afternoon with the ring. When we began to talk about it, I realized I was scared of the idea of a "wedding." Being the center of attention for some ritual was not something I desired. Shit, I didn't want to have to plan a bunch of shit. I didn't want to make that kind of a private promise in front of my friends and family. That was something I just wanted to do for him and I. It was too easy to fuck up, on either side. So to make a big deal out of something that so easily could end seemed silly.
Chris listened patiently as I told him some of these things, and was surprisingly enthusiastic when I said "can we please just do Vegas?" So we started talking about that.
But... the thing was it was never meant to be in my mind... Strange, I know, but again though it made me happy to think about it, it never really seemed like it would happen. I just sort of felt like I was going through my little girl marriage phase way late in the game.
It sucked to have it taken away the way it happened but I really believe everything worked out for the best.
Had Chris not cheated I may very well have ended up marrying him and while that's all fine and good my dreams were meant to bloom here.
My dreams of the stage and to be back in Seattle... Of travel and meeting new people... Roll parties and owning another dog... Here is where I must be.

And because Chris and I ended things I got to be with Johnny, and while I'm a mess sometimes wondering what he really thinks about me there's been a calm and happy in my heart the last near week. Since the shit went down with the email, we've really spoken, and he's texted, and he's spoken to me the way I always hoped he would. Maybe the messy thoughts will come back, but I haven't questioned a thing since Thursday, and I have been so content! I have been anxious about our show, and it all balances out because the next second I think about J and I just get this feeling that washes over me. It's overwhelming, and I know it's this sort of unconditional love I have for him.
We've had more than our share of drama thus far... But we've also had some really amazing times. Wonderful dates. And hell, we finally even have a song! (Albeit a corny one, but it has a good story and I wouldn't change it for the world. :)
Not only that but I haven't worried about him physically cheating on me ever... That is a feeling I haven't felt since Josh. It's amazing to be able to place that sort of trust in someone. Johnny gives all men a good name in that sense.
Johnny and I have private jokes and that's something else I never really had with Chris. It's nice. God, besides Johnny is just fucking funny. Being around him you can't help but laugh. Even when I relay what he's said in some cases other people laugh! (Which means he isn't one of those "you had to be there" sort of people.)

Ok, ok, I didn't mean to just start going off on a tangent about Johnny again. This post had a point. Basically the idea of marriage scares the shit out of me- but being committed to one person is exactly what I want.
"Lovin... Is what I got... I said remember that..."

So really I'm happy. Life is going great right now. I'm working and playing hard. It's so nice not to be in that icky depression pit like I was for a couple weeks there. Such a fucking rut.

OOO! I also got a few new items for Friday and Saturday this weekend I'm stoked for. :) Gloves, stockings, a new dress, and a black shirt... :)