Gah blah psss

I'm happy, which is why I haven't been writing. I've been staying at Johnny's a lot. I've dissappeared into relationship world, and it's a great place to be.

Problem is... I think I'm gunna sabotage it or something is gunna go wrong, because I am fucking happy and as far as a relationship is concerned, that's about the time it ends. Not to mention I gain weight when I get happy. But... this is the most normal thing I've ever been in. It's stopped ceasing to be predictable in the days we'll hang out and such- but more there's a comfortable sense of security there and I'VE NEVER HAD THAT. This secure thing.

So on the weight thing- I still think about it all the time. And I feel guilty when I eat. And I keep perpetually telling myself I'll start running in Spring again, which means I gotta start now. So, I'm making myself a promise and I'm gunna start running (what I can do without murder on my lungs) by Thursday. I also get more food on the fourth, and I'm gunna do the fruits I can eat, and lots of veggies. I wish I could do a gym membership again or better yet, have a treadmill in my room. I'd be all over that all the time. And of course, the old cocaine diet crosses my mind from time to time. But, the truth is I'm just feeling lazy, like a content old cat twitching my tail. I watch J play his video games now and that sense of normalcy overwhelms me and sometimes I just smile. And it makes me want to just lay there and be content. But self improvement never rested on the laurels of watching your super hot songwriting boyfriend play video games while you sit there feeling that way. Besides, I want to keep him, so the best way to do that is to get back to motivated me that loses the weight every year. So I'll just put on my red magic hoodie, his songs on my ipod and focus on his face while I drag my ass up and down the hills of Ravenna. I'll know by two shows from now, and those pictures wheather or not I'm doing well at it I guess.

By the way, on that note we had a surprise last minute show Saturday. That's a whole blog entry in itself, which I'm sure you'll have likely tomorrow, but truth be told it was a blast and Johnny did the greatest thing he could by coming to Everett with me and supported me last minute. I know he knows the next song we're adding to the line up is one most def inspired by him, it's the first song I've never written post mortum. It's also... I can't believe I'm saying this... A love song. My metal band is going to add a love song I wrote about my current love. And honestly, I have no shame in saying it. I don't have to be ambiguous about what the lyrics mean, or why, or who they are about. That's so not hard core and I don't give a fuck. There's nothing stupid about being with somebody you're crazy about and again, gasp, he treats you well.

My computer is doing weird things with this entry now, so I'm gunna log off for the night and take my pills. I promise to write again sooner than I have been. Hope you all get some sleep too.