Sunday, February 28, 2010

Halestorm and frogs

Lots of shit went down this week. Frank is no longer going to be a part of my life due to a very ill thought email.
It takes a lot for me not to forgive. In fact, this is the first time I'm not sure I'll be able to, and that is saying something. I can understand anyone's motives and when I do it makes it easy to understand and get past. This time there was intentional harm done and it didn't just affect me. It affected Johnny, Amber, and I and nearly cost me my relationship.

Last night was the Halestorm concert. It was the most dissapointing concert I've ever been to because they played FOUR SONGS. Really? My band plays longer than that!!! Not to mention they paraded around a bunch of half naked women. That's not a problem, I'm all for sexual assertiveness in women and such, but the fashion they did it in was degrading, and I felt bad for the poor bimbos. I was also angry at the idiots around drooling after them. Being a gentleman will get you far with chicks, we're impressed by that shit. I was impressed that Johnny agreed with me on the whole scene.
After Halestorm played I wasn't in the mood to stick around so Johnny and I went to the Nite Lite for drinks. We had a couple, running as usual into a co worker of his. Then we began to finally talk about our relationship. It was so rewarding. It was refreshing and very needed. At the end of it all, we stopped at the store because J wanted chicken fingers and sushi, so I bought both for him. He told me he loved me a few times and I fucking ate it up happy, content, and excited about us and the future. I am crazy about him.

I woke up afetr 2 hours sleep today and came home for my sleeping pills. I can't wait to see him again.

Living in Seattle is amazing. I went to the Hula Hula by myself on Friday. I love my room mate Lauren, we became close very fast. I love my room. I love the short drive. I love being close to J. I love that I've finally acomplished a dream of mine. (With a little help from my Dad- as he is in charge of the money I get because that is what was easiest.) I love that my band is less than a week away from our first show and already we've been scouted by an agency and there's talk of a tour. (Just talk for now.) I love that my grandmother sent me a box full of new paints and canvasses so I'm painting more. I love that there are new episodes of Celeb Rehab and Tool Acedmy on tv. (It's the simple things right?) I just love love love today.

I am considering getting another frog... I'd rather have something furry, but they're so much harder to take care of. (And smelly, and while I'm nocturnal a hamster wheel would keep me up when I'm having a moment to zzz.) I feel like some of the love I have is going to waste and I want to take care of something again. I'd love to have a cat (a social kitty that wants to be adored) but I'm just too allergic. At least we have a cat at the house here. Her name is Maggy and she is exactly the kind of cat I like for looks. Petite, fluffy and black. But she's not good with humans. One of the things that makes her special to me is she took right to me and lets me pick her up and cuddle her sometimes. She doesn't let anybody else but Lauren do that.
I want, and would adore a puppy but it saddens me to know I couldn't commit to one right now. I want to be out so much it wouldn't be fair. Not to mention potty training and stuff would be a hassel but the feeling of a little pup nuzzled next to you while his breath rises and falls sleeping contently- that feeling is amazing. I will never forget when Max would do that.
It was cool having a frog. It was cool having hamsters, and it was cool having dogs. It was cool having something to love, and they made life more enjoyable.

Anyway, I'm off to lay down. Try and sleep off this damned hangover. Totally worth it though. :)

Saturday, February 20, 2010

PS- I luv SB

If you're following me, you should be following my friend Sarcastic Bastard. She is the only person I know reads my shit for a fact, she always responds, and I love the girl. Great sense of humor on that one. :)
(I won't use her real name due to her privacy, but I want you to know I do know it hehe.)

Love for shit that sb says.

chemical vs food

I have consumed more chemicals today than food. I'm not sure if I should be proud, or what. (All chemicals are prescribed. Nothing off script.)

That is all.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

S.I.C.K (Again) (no really!)

I haven't had the stomach flu since middle school, but I caught it from my dad and today I have been throwing up everything but my shoes. I've been up since ten am and I feel like I'm dying. Well I was, now I'm feeling a little better.

I went to get my shot on Tuesday, and since Monday I'd been in more pain than usual, which is to say tons actually. So I scheduled an appointment for yesterday, and spent most of the day at the doctor. I had a long consultation, and x rays of my back and neck. Eventually she prescribed me physical therapy and Tylenol w codeine.
Dad and I went to dinner while we waited on the rx. When we went to pick it up they had a question on the lydocaine patches which held up all of my meds, so for the second night in a row, I didn't really sleep from the pain.
Instead I went to McDonald's and got a Caesar salad around 1 am. I'd been having strange stomach cramps that night, but I dismissed it as being related to my other pain as I was feeling it all over my body, and in certain internal organs. Turns out those cramps were just a lovely little invitation to the coming day. This hasn't been a good week. I can't even take the pain meds til I quit throwing up. I still don't have the anesthesia patches or I'd just do that. Dad was nice enough to go for me to get the other pills today however. Yay dad.

Johnny has been on my mind more than usual today. When I think about him, I have a detached feeling though, as opposed to the warm one I usually have. I know I miss him, and I know I'm going to. Which brings me back to Amber. (One day I intend to sit down and write a full blog on the complicated feelings I have towards her.)
She sent me a text today saying something about strength. I appreciated it.

All I'm eating today is Sprite hehe. I'm missing food now.

I have nothing else interesting to say. Maybe I'll write again when I'm doped up, like, tomorrow. :) Hah. STAY WELL PEOPLE! DON'T GET SICK!

P.s- My depression has lifted thank God. Wonder what will come next.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Putting it Together

My move got postponed because both my dad and I were having stomach issues. I'm moving this Sunday instead I guess.

I realize the pressure of the early morning move, the liquor, the shit I've been feeling with Johnny was the shit storm needed to bring me back to my worse the other night. I've bandaged my wounds, I'm taking care of myself, and I'm doing better.
I'm trying to forgive me, and console myself. I slipped up. It sucks really bad. But I have to care for me, not rip me to shreds.

Why is love so fucking complicated?

Meanwhile, my band FINALLY scored a show. My Seattle band is gunna play a show, in my fav city, in a dream come true. However, of course, there was protest from my drummer, and I'm fucking frustrated because I love playing metal, I love our ep, I love the boys but with the scheduling, their jobs and family, the band isn't going to be as I imagine. That sucks, because it's sort of like being in a relationship you know will end eventually. You want the best, but you know you aren't compatible.

So I've been putting in word to other bands. Someone called Dave contacted me today about a band called "Raising Days" that has already been signed to an indie label and I dig their music. They sound a little like "For My Pain" but with a chick singer with an accent. The accent is distracting and makes it hard to learn the tunes, but I'm trying. Listening to David lecture me for thirty minutes about the industry irritated me though. He sounded a lot like Jon when he talked, all cocky, and it was a high pressure phone call.
I've spoken to Levi, I know how much work it takes and what you have to put in. I'm willing. I just need my body to work with me.
I did a tarot reading the other night that told me anything I pursue career wise right now is a good idea, and it was a really positive reading. So I'm gunna push hard right now. We will see what happens.

In other news I received an email on ok cupid from a guy and we started a chat. He knows I'm in a relationship to clarify, it wasn't a romantic conversation at all. However, it was a very intellectually stimulating chat! He's and my astrological chart is completely in sych. We're both Taurus', we're both fire rising, and air moon. We have some things in common, but some things are different.
It is noteworthy because of how awesome it was to just talk without pressure and how smooth the conversation went. I hope we'll speak again soon.

Valentine's day knowing I wouldn't see Johnny, decided to take myself rollerblading. I needed the distraction. It was a fantastic workout. Afterwards I bought myself a potato and met Michael at Taster's Wok for karaoke which was also a nice distraction. I was hit on most of the night by a much older man recently separated from his wife. I sang a couple songs, and, got wasted, again. This week I have qualified as being an alcoholic for sure. I'm laying off for awhile. I still feel hungover.

I was incredibly sick today. Pain was off the charts again. Second time this week. Another reason to quit drinking for a little while. I gotta put more Vitamin D in my system still. I don't think 100,000 mg a week is enough...

Ok it's 4am and I've taken my pills but I haven't wound down yet. I did a tarot reading on J and I the other night. I'm gunna go interpret it.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Dissapointing you

What do I have to say tonight other than I've fallen off the sane wagon?


I'm aching for something now. An ear? A life? Perhaps my ex?

Fuck me. I got to get back to normal again.

Sorry guys, gimme a few days. I hope it returns.

If not then I'm as fucked as anyone.


What happened to set me off tilt in this way? More than ever here?

Ps- Johnny spent V Day alone, as did I. Oh yeah, I'm buzzed thanks for asking.

Sorry to dissapoint everybody, buuuuuut I'm not doing too well tonight.

I'll write again soon.

Sunday, February 14, 2010


I'm a waste. A failure. A problem.

And I write it here first, from the depths. Hah.

I haven't felt this terrible in ages. Eons. I have done what I swore I wouldn't do, but here I am, confessing this sin.

I have cut myself. Intentionally. With purpose. With despair. My "sobriety" date begins again. Can I say it was a good run? I think not.

Johnny had a show tonight. I think it was hormones more than anything, damn birth control. He didn't really touch me. I could have left, it wouldn't matter. I just wanted him to show *some* interest in me. But...

So I cried the whole way home, and thought of nothing but blood. My blood. To pay for my stupidity.

This means I'm still sick... More than I thought. God I had really thought I was doing better.

5 perfect cuts. Now to be 5 perfect scars. Dear God I hate myself for this slip. It runied EVERYTHING.I wish there was someway to fix this.

I suppose some Valentine's shit played into this. Like, why can't I find a guy who cares enough to make an effort? Just A LITTLE? I'm not asking for anything really, just someone who wants to do something nice for me.

I have to get my self esteem rebuilt *AGAIN* before that can happen, and I've smashed it to bits now.

Ahh well. Tomorrow I move. Tomorrow maybe a better day.

Happy Valentines.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Dear fellow S%L addicts

Tonight I was driving home from Seattle after an evening with my boyfriend. An evening I attempted to talk to him on a serious level. His body language was awkward. His answers were one word. He did exactly as I thought he would.

I approached the topic of feeling like maybe he wasn't as attracted to me thanks to the weight I gained after being prescribed the Lyrica for my, what was then thought, fibromyalgia. (About 17 lbs... Ouch.) I'm really working on it believe me, but I'm not as comfy in my skin now and I gained the weight SO fast I feel like such... I dunno, less than I can be. Plus I keep drinking because it's almost like I'm expected to.

For the first time with Johnny ever, in nearly a year, I couldn't enjoy sex because I couldn't get out of my own head. That's NEVER happened with anyone. I felt fat, ugly, unattractive, unmotivated, just plain gross. It's the only time after sex I cried, but I didn't let him see. I felt weak, because I'm not sick now, I'm possibly terminal now, and I KNOW I should have pushed harder for an autoimmune diagnosis. Ugh. Just... I feel like a failure. I KNEW what was wrong, and I didn't push for the tests because I thought other people knew better than me what I was feeling. That any blood test would show a problem. I didn't realize you have to go through a process for this shit. I didn't realize there would be such pain. Suuuuch pain.

Trying to get him involved in talking to me was a zero sum game tonight. His body language was off, which I said something about. I keep feeling he's feeding me the answers I want to hear in most situations. If he isn't into me, why doesn't he get rid of me?!? Am I the only one who's involved here? Some days he acts like it, other he just plain doesn't. It's driving me crazy. I want him to want me all the time. If he isn't, or can't now because of my weight, I want to both move on. (It would KILL KILL KILL ME.)

Anyway as I was driving home I made another weird connection: Why *lonliness* is one of my trigger, is because I feel *empty* when I'm alone. Because there is no one, and nothing to fill me up. That's something I should have had or learned as a child and never did I guess. That's why I have back ups, whether I sleep with them or not. (Obviously currently not.)I'm really trying to seek a healthier relationship with J, but he doesn't. want. to. talk. He says he loves me when he's prompted, but I would LOVE some spontaneous show of affection. If he doesn't or won't, I'm afraid I've fallen right back into old patterns. God I love him. Please let him be more.
If not, please let me heal gracefully...

Moving closer will change things. I really hope one night he'll just tell me the truths, whatever they are. They are easier than the guessing.

That's all for now.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Results and the Move

Sorry on the lag in posts. I was waiting, waiting, waiting for something interesting to happen and then all at once so many things happened.

First of all my preliminary test for lupus came back positive. I have a lot more pain to look forward to it seems. I got the official test results today. I go back to the doctor tomorrow. I'm still going in every Tuesday for shots, and I have tomorrow and one more week of that. I don't know what to write about how I feel about it other than my back and neck ache right now. Badly.

I started looking for an apartment seriously last week, and I found a musician artist commune in the U district. I gave them my check today and intend to start moving next weekend. I am loving the fact I get to be closer to Johnny. I am also happy because of the timing I don't have to stress about getting all my stuff there in a day.

I've been drinking too much this week. I've had so many plans to go out and do things it's just gone with the territory. However, I'm loving the fact I'm having a quiet night in to do laundry, think about packing, dishes, and assorted crap. (Like blogging haha.)

Friday night I had dinner with Simon and we went with my friend Michael up to the Crescent for some gay karaoke. Johnny met us there eventually and what ensued was hilarity. Every gay boy in the joint hit on Johnny that night, and I mean they were giving him the full court press. I had to drag him away from some guys, and make out with him to prove he was straight. I sang ok, and we helped Michael take these two girls with us to this bar called the Bus Stop after. The night was fun. Michael drove me back to Everett eventually.

Saturday night was the Dirty Hollywood show. Dirty Hollywood is a Motley Crue tribute band and I was looking forward to it for awhile. Frank went with me because he knows the drummer (the guy that plays Tommy Lee) and heard they were fun. I went to hear me some live Motley tunes. I chose to wear black pants, a black tank and black leather jacket, silver accessories. Frank threw a temper tantrum and insisted I wear my mini skirt and heels. I was shocked. He literally drove me back to my house to change. I wonder if he sees how this behavior comes off to me and other girls? He said he didn't want to go unless I was dressed up more. It was the second time that week we had a disagreement about what I was wearing. This has never happened with any other guy before, friend or not.
We got to the show and it was so much fun. They didn't play a few of my faves, but the set was great and they did play their latest hit so I was happy. Then we decided to go to the Mercury for dancing afterward. Frank isn't really the type to hang at the Mercury, so he made me leave early, but the reason being I was getting hit on by four guys. In the outfit he made sure I wore, then got pissed at the attention I was getting. I CAN NOT MAKE HIM HAPPY AT ALL ANYMORE. It's not even my job. I do my best to make Johnny happy, and I try to make him happy too, but it's out of control.

I saw Johnny Sunday evening and we went to the Crescent AGAIN cuz I thought my friend Shane Riot was gunna be there. We got there early for karaoke but they were making a cd and I didn't know it. Apparently I'm gunna be on it, hehe. Johnny actually sang a few songs that evening, and he always sounds good so it was quite a lot of fun. Stayed until this morning but I had an asthma attack so I came home for my inhaler cuz I had the wrong one there. It's going to be so nice to have a ten minute commute to him.

Chris hasn't called or made any effort at all since I left Utah to even talk to me. Diana has been posting things all over his page on facebook again and I realized just how over it I am. I deleted him from my friends. I still check on his page occasionally, but really the only people you need in your life are the ones that prove they need you in theirs, and the bottom line truth is Chris doesn't give a flying fuck about me, how I feel, or what's going on in my life. He doesn't care and doesn't try. I wish he did.

I can't wait til Wednesday for the Hula Hula again when I get to see Greta. She's really amazing. Her energy is such fun to be around.

I'm excited for the Halestorm show coming up, and I'm trying to figure out how to get money for tickets for it. Morgan Page is playing too and I'm itching to be around the X again. I miss rolling. Spring time is roll time and Seattle feels like we're having an early spring thank god. I'm just loving it.

Anyway, that's my news for now. I'm sure I'll have more for you in a week or so, maybe before. :) I'll be along to check and read your blogs shortly. Love you!