S.A.L.A

Dear fellow S%L addicts

Tonight I was driving home from Seattle after an evening with my boyfriend. An evening I attempted to talk to him on a serious level. His body language was awkward. His answers were one word. He did exactly as I thought he would.

I approached the topic of feeling like maybe he wasn't as attracted to me thanks to the weight I gained after being prescribed the Lyrica for my, what was then thought, fibromyalgia. (About 17 lbs... Ouch.) I'm really working on it believe me, but I'm not as comfy in my skin now and I gained the weight SO fast I feel like such... I dunno, less than I can be. Plus I keep drinking because it's almost like I'm expected to.

For the first time with Johnny ever, in nearly a year, I couldn't enjoy sex because I couldn't get out of my own head. That's NEVER happened with anyone. I felt fat, ugly, unattractive, unmotivated, just plain gross. It's the only time after sex I cried, but I didn't let him see. I felt weak, because I'm not sick now, I'm possibly terminal now, and I KNOW I should have pushed harder for an autoimmune diagnosis. Ugh. Just... I feel like a failure. I KNEW what was wrong, and I didn't push for the tests because I thought other people knew better than me what I was feeling. That any blood test would show a problem. I didn't realize you have to go through a process for this shit. I didn't realize there would be such pain. Suuuuch pain.

Trying to get him involved in talking to me was a zero sum game tonight. His body language was off, which I said something about. I keep feeling he's feeding me the answers I want to hear in most situations. If he isn't into me, why doesn't he get rid of me?!? Am I the only one who's involved here? Some days he acts like it, other he just plain doesn't. It's driving me crazy. I want him to want me all the time. If he isn't, or can't now because of my weight, I want to both move on. (It would KILL KILL KILL ME.)

Anyway as I was driving home I made another weird connection: Why *lonliness* is one of my trigger, is because I feel *empty* when I'm alone. Because there is no one, and nothing to fill me up. That's something I should have had or learned as a child and never did I guess. That's why I have back ups, whether I sleep with them or not. (Obviously currently not.)I'm really trying to seek a healthier relationship with J, but he doesn't. want. to. talk. He says he loves me when he's prompted, but I would LOVE some spontaneous show of affection. If he doesn't or won't, I'm afraid I've fallen right back into old patterns. God I love him. Please let him be more.
If not, please let me heal gracefully...

Moving closer will change things. I really hope one night he'll just tell me the truths, whatever they are. They are easier than the guessing.

That's all for now.