Friday, January 22, 2010

The big L word

So little idiotic life you may be wondering- why that title? Moby refers to himself as the little idiot and I sorta ripped it off as a nod to my great musical idol. It's all about being humble when possible.

In other news I've just arrived back from the lab. We did tests today again. The doctor thinks I have lupus. I feel very sick this week, especially today. I'll be relieved if I have it. At least then we'll know...

Results next week.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Aaah boredom

I've just come back from running my chubby ass round the complex a few times. I'm gunna try and get back into the swing of eating healthier and exercising more. I'm really unhappy with how I let myself go from October on. That means I have that much work to get rid of everything I gained. It's daunting but I gotta stay focused and just try.

Went out and had fun with Johnny last night. I got there late though, the fibro was kicking my ass, and has been all week actually. He laid on my lap, we laughed a lot and drank wine.
It's weird because I was so unhappy with our relationship for awhile there. Months actually. I started to believe he was the first guy I'd ever fallen out of love with, or at least was disenchanted with after being so infatuated. I was caught in this constant battle of wanting him to want me, not believing he did, not wanting to leave him anyway and then dealing with everything that was going on with Amber.
You really have no idea the toll that took on me.
When I came back from Salt Lake I just made up my mind that I wasn't gunna let her shit get to me anymore. I was done. And really, truly, since I made my mind up about it I haven't. It's weird.
Also since I've gotten back I have completely had the joy of re-falling in love. It's better than the first time I admit, because it's more comfortable and now we have history together. The only concern I have is when we can get to the point we're comfortable enough to live together. That's all I'm hoping for in our future really. Someday. Doesn't have to be soon.
I love Johnny. Yup.
Anyway the laughs have been more and I'm happy for this alone.

I've seen Frank a few times. I forgot to say what he got me for Christmas. They stopped making my favorite perfume "Bora Bora" awhile ago and he managed to find and buy a huge bottle for me. I was impressed with this alone. But he also bought me a ring. It's silver, with some red and brown stones in it. He said it reminded him of my hair. No guy has ever impressed me that much singularly. That was above and beyond for me.

My lyrics are improving though I'm not happy with how long it takes them to come to mind. However the music coming out is improving too in my opinion. I'm gunna start in on trying a new one now.

Sorry this entry is kinda boring. I'll come up with something exciting for you all soon.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Catch up part 2

I've had my insomniac "nap" for a few hours, so I'm ready to write again.

When I got back from SLC Frank's hold tightened on me, and every conversation was a problem. Everything I did was a problem, so I started to lie. About fucking everything. Where I was, who I was with because everything started a fight. Even when I got back from SLC he wasn't excited to see me, he wanted to talk about why I had lied about seeing Chris. And whether or not I was going to see Johnny.

Of course I was going to see Johnny. Johnny never stressed me out when we hung out! I needed the break from Frank becoming the jealous controlling guy he was. He wanted me to be home at certain hours, and wanted me to stop talking to Chris entirely. He wanted me to just be there and sort of cut me off from the world I'd made.

I really don't do well being told what to do. I do worse when I'm alone all the time.

While I was sleeping the morning I got back, the morning of New Years, his paranoia reached it's peak and he read all my texts. There was stuff in there both to Johnny and Chris. One text to J said "I love ya" and another to Chris said "I miss you so much I can't breathe right now." The I love ya was not meant as I'm sure it read, and the text to Chris was the final thing I said as I drove to the airport. I had a very hard time leaving that trip, and I'm not entirely sure why. Chris believe it or not helped ease my pain a little that morning.
I'm sorry he read them. I'm sorry they hurt him, I sincerely am, but with no reason to go through my phone what so ever because I had done nothing wrong while in Salt Lake what so ever, I was angry. In that moment he lost all my trust too. I was tired of proving myself to him repeatedly. I was tired of the constant pressure situation hanging out with him had become. I escaped back to Seattle and back to Johnny.

The second I got to J's he took me in his arms and kissed me, and didn't let me go. I was so fucking happy. We made out like teenagers and talked, and played and had so much fun! Definitely one of my fav memories of him. With him. It was exactly what I needed.
He told me he missed me and he realized with how long I'd been gone that he really appreciated me and loved me. I realized my love for him had deepened, and I was starting to really and truly appreciate his soul, not just all the surface attraction stuff I felt from day one.
Johnny is completely clever in moments when I fail to think of anything to say. He listens well, even if he doesn't always agree with what I'm saying. His willingness to be cute with me with our inside jokes always, always makes me smile. He is diplomatic and nice to everyone he knows. He always tries to fix things when I say that they hurt or bother me. Even though I frustrate him, and I'm sure reading some of the old blog stuff blind sided him and possibly hurt him he never brings it up unless we're fighting about something semi related. We really don't fight all that much. I adore how mellow he is. He is such an incredibly nice guy and not in like the wussy "friend zone" sense. He's just this really down played fun guy who doesn't get enough credit I think. I just adore him. He makes me laugh that real laugh that only few people have heard in my lifetime.
We spent everyday together that week. One night, while at one of our haunts I started talking about moving to Seattle again. Seriously talking about it, sort of as a step to make us closer and he seemed enthusiastic. I couldn't have been happier, so I really began looking for apartments the next day. Looked at one, put in the word I wanted it. It was in the U district. Waiting to hear on it, though I'll start searching on it again tomorrow if I don't hear anything.

Frank and I finally after several more blowouts decided whatever it was we were doing wasn't working for either of us. I wished we could go back to being friends and stuff but he has called me up literally every night asking how I could do this to him. Why he ever fell in love with me. I really, really just missed my best friend. Whatever sparks were there were stamped out by his actions. I feel horrible about it. I really never knew it was going to be like that.

I forgot to mention he actually logged onto my computer to find my old blog even though I specifically hadn't given him the address just so he could snoop more. That was really the nail in the coffin for me.

Somewhere in the midst of all this I realized something I needed to admit to myself and had questioned before. I was a love and sex addict. I try so hard to make everyone love me, and keep everyone happy. I have issues saying no because I'm afraid a guy will leave if I don't. Even if I don't want to, or even because it's painful. I was completely addicted to Chris and couldn't leave him no matter what he did. I don't want to be that person, so I actually attended my first 12 step meeting last Wednesday. I really did. It was a bunch of older men. I felt sort of judged actually. I think I'll go back this week to see what happens, but I'm not sure even if I have a problem, this is the solution. But, I'm willing to try.
I've also started attending a boundaries group therapy thing on Thursdays to start learning how to say no. How to stop fucking worrying about everybody else dude.

They talk some about the false self we create as kids when the things we see happening are true, and we're lied to about it. How it fragments us. I hadn't really thought about that, but it makes a lot of sense to me personally. How when you say something you're feeling to a parent like "I'm angry!" the parent says "Well you should be feeling grateful!"
I had that all the time dude. I think that's where all the self injury started. It took me 13 years to stop. I have THIRTEEN YEARS OF SCARS on my body because I wasn't allowed to feel angry and didn't have any better coping mechanisms.

Anyway, we own our feelings and if it makes us feel uncomfortable to say yes to someone else we're really saying no to ourselves. It's a process. I'm learning.

Ok, my head hurts now and I'm done throwing up on you again. See ya soon!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Catch Up (Long Blog) *SLC*

Boy this could end up being a long one so bare with me. Thanks again for following me over.

I'm with Johnny still. We've had problems and I've waffled back and forth on being with him which culminated on ending our relationship one morning. The reasons going into it were many, well mainly two. One- Amber had started what felt like a full on attack over twitter and facebook undermining our relationship. Saying he was blind to the real truth, that I was blocking everybody's happiness including mine, that "my love alone was not enough" and then proceeded to use my nickname Kitty.
I was fed up at that point.
Why should I stay with a guy I was spending all my money on in gas to say who didn't care really whether I was there or not? Who was letting this attack go on and said nothing? I simply felt unappreciated and pressure from all angles and was ready to call it quits. I was crying myself to sleep over everything practically every night.
The second reason simply being I felt he didn't care.

Then I got pregnant.

Yup. Again. Sigh. One night yet again I can trace back to drunken stupidity. I knew the day after I missed the period. I called Johnny and told him and his one word reaction was "fuck."
I tried hard to deal with it and be strong and all that. I really tried to make it as easy on Johnny as possible. I kept the mood swings in check mostly and this time I stuck to the daily regiment of herbal solutions that supposedly would cause a natural miscarriage. On Halloween after rolling all night I was the first trace of blood and was ecstatic. I couldn't believe it was working.
Meanwhile I wanted to stay with Johnny. I wanted to work really hard on saving the relationship. I wanted so desperately for him to love me, but I continued to feel like I was the place holder in his life.

We were running out of time on the full on miscarriage so, begrudgingly I called one of the clinics in Seattle and made an appointment. I wrote appointment, but I wanted to type execution date. Johnny was the man he needed to be. He went with me, stood by me, and let me stay with him the night after it happened. (Side note: They told me I likely would have miscarried but you're sort of on a time crunch on those things...)

The procedure took longer than normal because I had a full on ptsd episode while waiting after the exam. I shook, I cried, I looked nobody in the eye. They insisted on giving me Xanax ( A real Xanie, not an alprazolam) to calm me. They took me back to the room and took my blood pressure. All my stats were through the roof. They told me they'd give me twenty minutes to let all the drugs kick in. When they came back they had to give me a second dose because I was still shaking and crying.
An hour later they gave me the real drugs and suddenly I was on cloud nine. The procedure hurt like hell even through the drugs. But after wards I was joking around with the staff and back to my usual self. Seeing Johnny in the room after lifted my heart.
In that moment he helped heal so much more than he knew, and knows to this day. He helped heal the abandonment Chris did to me. The rape lessened it's hold on me just a little bit, and I realized what I'd known all along. Johnny was a wonderful man. We got food right after and he laid with me while I went to sleep. He held me and I'm crying again as I write this because I don't know if he realizes how much it meant. How special it was that he was there to comfort me and protect me after. The first man in my life to ever make me feel that way other than my father. Johnny was my hero that day. November 20th.
The next day I came home though, and things sort of went back to how they were between us. The pain was manageable for awhile, but soon I called the clinic for some Vicodin and used it completely on script, but ended up sort of enjoying it about twice.

Frank and I were spending practically everyday together and I was sort of looking to him for comfort and support even though he hadn't a clue as to what was going on really. I started to feel closer to him than we had before and he began talk of a relationship. I considered it carefully. He was always saying he wanted me around, and we'd end up doing things I enjoyed and really a part of it started to make sense. I wondered if we'd be as destructive as I initially thought? I didn't want to leave Johnny, I loved him, but I was sick of Amber's bullshit. Someone who had made me a "friend" and then started attacking me in every manipulative and covert way she could via public forum. I yes, ended up crying over the hurtful things she would say. Why was my "friend" writing such things about my boyfriend? Me? My relationship? I began to resent it, and her, and then Johnny for not saying shit about it.

Everything after the day I got pregnant in October became a mini shit storm for me. Everything that had made such sense- school, music, my relationship, my friendships- they were all up in the air again. It wasn't just hormones, though BELIEVE ME those played a huge part.

Halloween when J and I rolled together, was so perfect. He said every single thing I longed for him to say. He promised me we'd get through everything. He swore he loved me. I wanted to take that night- that moment- and bottle it like lightning bugs and save them for the darkest nights. I still think of it often. That night was the one bright spot in everything that was happening.

I finally decided I needed time away. Time to be round my family who cared and time to be away from Johnny and our situation. Time to figure out whether I could really make the transition from J to Frank, which, I can see would seem a natural transition to some readers. But I wasn't ready to let go entirely. So I told Johnny, Frank and all my SLC friends that I was leaving for two weeks of trouble making.

While in Slc Frank began to call all the time. He was constantly throwing in opinions about who I should hang out with and when. What was appropriate and what wasn't. I began to feel suffocated and my wings were being bent on the home front. Like I said before, I don't do well with people telling me what to do. He was over stepping his bounds and after day two we fought constantly while I was there. Every damn day about some guy friend I was seeing. Meanwhile I felt Johnny was kind of keeping his distance. I began to feel more fragmented in my two closest relationships and sought solace in my friends Ian, Wayne, and even Chris.

It was the first time I'd seen Chris in a year. He had definitely aged. It was a happy reunion as I was glad to talk with someone who still to this day knows me better than anyone. We caught up on old times, talked about his girl Jae, and Johnny and Frank. We talked about our separate lives and his desire to escape to Seattle. While I was there he still managed to stand me up three times in true Chris fashion. I would like to clarify that not even a conversation really brushed anything inappropriate between us. We shared music, new passions, work stories, but nothing that any party in our lives would have had to worry about. I've tried very hard to be respectful of what Chris and Jae have going on. I did tell him I missed him, and I do, I miss my friend. But I don't miss the lover, or the way he made me felt.

As the trip drew to a close I decided to try and text Johnny about what I was feeling and how much I knew he'd seen Amber while I was gone. It was practically everyday.
Look, I don't mind that he wants to have her in his life, that's fine. But you can't make me feel equal to her when you *chose* me. If you want to be with her, be with her. I leave town for a few weeks and she's taken over the girlfriend role. I wasn't pleased and feeling completely unimportant and hurt. Devastated and angry more like. So I sort of picked the fight which I knew would either end us, or at least very aggressively tell him I wasn't just going to put up with it any longer. Not how it was. I loved him. I wanted him to fight for me. I wanted to fight for us.
The fight resolved little but I tried to end it on a better note simply saying I wanted to be with him more and my crime was caring for him. The three day a week set in stone thing sucked and I wanted a normal, spontaneous, relationship where we would grow closer. Enough time had passed. I wanted a boyfriend, not somebody I was just seeing on a regular basis.

With all the animosity, I had a short temper while I was there. I wasn't easy to around, I'll admit. I knew things needed to change, and change now.

Wayne and I had our usual amazing sushi and drinking day and laughed a lot and played board games and drank captain and coke. It was one of the better days I was there, and it was my last day. I absolutely wish sometimes my stars had been different and he had been the one, but tragedy has always been written in my stars and sadly, Wayne is not. So I am content to be one of his best friends, as he is mine and thank god he is in my life.

I flew back to Seattle early the next morning unsure of how my fate would play out again in my beautiful city, but I was ready to tackle it and knew there were some big things on the horizon.

This is where I leave you for tonight. I will continue on in catch up 2.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Ground Zero

Here we are back at ground zero.

Hi, it's me, Kat Skratch. Thanks for following me over from "More Than I've Said Before."

There are a few different reasons I've chosen to switch locations in blog land.
As I said before, I felt the other one was compromised, mostly by the bad idea I had of giving the addy to my boyfriend Johnny, to show him all the entries I gushed about him in. That totally backfired and he felt like he became the bad guy. (I still say wtf to this, because I really don't understand it.)

I also gave the addy to Amber, Johnny's best friend for the same purpose. To show her I cared for her genuinely and that blog was where my real thoughts, life and feelings were. There is much to catch you up on when it comes to her.

I put everything out there until recently. I bared my soul on a deeper level, as I would have a journal, or to my best friend. But it seems even the people in my life couldn't exactly take anything I said the way it was meant.
Moving forward no one in my life except for those who have no association in my real life will have this address. I'm welcome back my readers who have decided to follow the ride, and find out the other things I've left out since July of last year. There is a bit.
As always, please take it with compassion, and know I am a real person with real feelings and this is my continuing quest on being the better me.

Sending love and brilliance your way friends.

Welcome to my Little Idiotic Life. :)