Catch up part 2

I've had my insomniac "nap" for a few hours, so I'm ready to write again.

When I got back from SLC Frank's hold tightened on me, and every conversation was a problem. Everything I did was a problem, so I started to lie. About fucking everything. Where I was, who I was with because everything started a fight. Even when I got back from SLC he wasn't excited to see me, he wanted to talk about why I had lied about seeing Chris. And whether or not I was going to see Johnny.

Of course I was going to see Johnny. Johnny never stressed me out when we hung out! I needed the break from Frank becoming the jealous controlling guy he was. He wanted me to be home at certain hours, and wanted me to stop talking to Chris entirely. He wanted me to just be there and sort of cut me off from the world I'd made.

I really don't do well being told what to do. I do worse when I'm alone all the time.

While I was sleeping the morning I got back, the morning of New Years, his paranoia reached it's peak and he read all my texts. There was stuff in there both to Johnny and Chris. One text to J said "I love ya" and another to Chris said "I miss you so much I can't breathe right now." The I love ya was not meant as I'm sure it read, and the text to Chris was the final thing I said as I drove to the airport. I had a very hard time leaving that trip, and I'm not entirely sure why. Chris believe it or not helped ease my pain a little that morning.
I'm sorry he read them. I'm sorry they hurt him, I sincerely am, but with no reason to go through my phone what so ever because I had done nothing wrong while in Salt Lake what so ever, I was angry. In that moment he lost all my trust too. I was tired of proving myself to him repeatedly. I was tired of the constant pressure situation hanging out with him had become. I escaped back to Seattle and back to Johnny.

The second I got to J's he took me in his arms and kissed me, and didn't let me go. I was so fucking happy. We made out like teenagers and talked, and played and had so much fun! Definitely one of my fav memories of him. With him. It was exactly what I needed.
He told me he missed me and he realized with how long I'd been gone that he really appreciated me and loved me. I realized my love for him had deepened, and I was starting to really and truly appreciate his soul, not just all the surface attraction stuff I felt from day one.
Johnny is completely clever in moments when I fail to think of anything to say. He listens well, even if he doesn't always agree with what I'm saying. His willingness to be cute with me with our inside jokes always, always makes me smile. He is diplomatic and nice to everyone he knows. He always tries to fix things when I say that they hurt or bother me. Even though I frustrate him, and I'm sure reading some of the old blog stuff blind sided him and possibly hurt him he never brings it up unless we're fighting about something semi related. We really don't fight all that much. I adore how mellow he is. He is such an incredibly nice guy and not in like the wussy "friend zone" sense. He's just this really down played fun guy who doesn't get enough credit I think. I just adore him. He makes me laugh that real laugh that only few people have heard in my lifetime.
We spent everyday together that week. One night, while at one of our haunts I started talking about moving to Seattle again. Seriously talking about it, sort of as a step to make us closer and he seemed enthusiastic. I couldn't have been happier, so I really began looking for apartments the next day. Looked at one, put in the word I wanted it. It was in the U district. Waiting to hear on it, though I'll start searching on it again tomorrow if I don't hear anything.

Frank and I finally after several more blowouts decided whatever it was we were doing wasn't working for either of us. I wished we could go back to being friends and stuff but he has called me up literally every night asking how I could do this to him. Why he ever fell in love with me. I really, really just missed my best friend. Whatever sparks were there were stamped out by his actions. I feel horrible about it. I really never knew it was going to be like that.

I forgot to mention he actually logged onto my computer to find my old blog even though I specifically hadn't given him the address just so he could snoop more. That was really the nail in the coffin for me.

Somewhere in the midst of all this I realized something I needed to admit to myself and had questioned before. I was a love and sex addict. I try so hard to make everyone love me, and keep everyone happy. I have issues saying no because I'm afraid a guy will leave if I don't. Even if I don't want to, or even because it's painful. I was completely addicted to Chris and couldn't leave him no matter what he did. I don't want to be that person, so I actually attended my first 12 step meeting last Wednesday. I really did. It was a bunch of older men. I felt sort of judged actually. I think I'll go back this week to see what happens, but I'm not sure even if I have a problem, this is the solution. But, I'm willing to try.
I've also started attending a boundaries group therapy thing on Thursdays to start learning how to say no. How to stop fucking worrying about everybody else dude.

They talk some about the false self we create as kids when the things we see happening are true, and we're lied to about it. How it fragments us. I hadn't really thought about that, but it makes a lot of sense to me personally. How when you say something you're feeling to a parent like "I'm angry!" the parent says "Well you should be feeling grateful!"
I had that all the time dude. I think that's where all the self injury started. It took me 13 years to stop. I have THIRTEEN YEARS OF SCARS on my body because I wasn't allowed to feel angry and didn't have any better coping mechanisms.

Anyway, we own our feelings and if it makes us feel uncomfortable to say yes to someone else we're really saying no to ourselves. It's a process. I'm learning.

Ok, my head hurts now and I'm done throwing up on you again. See ya soon!