Saturday, January 29, 2011

Bitch Session

I haven't responded to anybody I'm following in awhile. My apologies. There is a reason. I have been reading though.

Life has been busy and good, filled with music and work. My friend Ian is in town from SLC, sleeping on my floor. I've been showing him everything interesting I can think of. Keeps me away from my blog. I've been really meaning to write more.

Got a call on Thursday from the doctor though. They found abnormalities in my last blood test. I have to go to the hospital next week. Kinda shook me to my core. I'm taking the weekend to do shows, spend time with Ian and my other friends here before I have to go...

I guess Wed will be the big day. I gotta get through my open mic Tuesday. Everything else I can work around whatever my health needs. To be honest, I'm feeling off. Have been for a few weeks now. My kidneys have been hurting since about Wednesday.
I'm not complaining, I'm just aware whatever is going on is taking it's toll.
Surprisingly my pain has been down in general though, minus the kidneys until today.

My resolve to be a better person is still steadfast. I'm still on the path I'm supposed to be on I think.

I'm not worrying anybody at this point. My parents know, and Ian knows because he was here when the call came. But it affects how long he's here. It's not like this was the plan when I told him to come now. Shitty timing. This is part of the reason I haven't been dating.

I *have* been feeling more nostalgic though. I've been having dreams again fairly regularly, when I do manage to get to sleep.
This just leads me to say I miss him. I'm allowed. That's all I'm gunna say.

On a happy note the bookings have been going well. I'm keeping myself busy. I'm making more aquaintences and discovering good music. I can't believe how Involved I've managed to get into the rockabilly scene. Surprises me.

Anyway I had a lot more on my mind, but I'm tired. I'm so worn out these days. Leaving the bed to make food most of the time seems like a chore, so I kind of stopped eating again. Though it's likely realted in general to whatever is going on, it isn't like the last time I stopped eating- when I couldn't make myself. Now it's just so much fucking work.
I manage to get out to see the music, and give my life purpose, but even at that anything past midnight makes me long for the security of my bedroom.

I hope anyone reading is doing well. I will update this when I can. For now it's nap time I guess. I've been up since 6am. Gotta get an rx before 6pm.

I also hope this didn't turn into a giant bitch session. But very much love to you. You're in my thoughts. If I'm in yours I'm delighted.


Thursday, January 20, 2011

Growing pains


Another trial. Man. It seems I'm being tested for everything now that I've set my mind to being better, and doing whatever that takes!

Hung out with a good friend tonight. One who has done me favors, and been a confidant as I have this person. When everything was said and done said person and I agreed to go to another location and talk.

What came forth I even feel bad for typing, but must confide somewhere. I guess this is as good a place as any. I'm being as anonymous as I can.

Anyway, said person tried to find drugs. Asked for my assistance in this act, and I said I didn't have anything or anyone to provide.

I honestly prayed that there would be no come through for them. I mean it. I listened to them while I drank coffee after 2am, a HUGE no no for me being an insomniac. So here I am at 5 am typing this, because this is a person I really care for, and want everything for. I mean, damn. They have the world at their finger tips if THEY COULD JUST SEE IT!

Thankfully someone somewhere must have been listening because they gave up.

Man... I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. Curious. Lost. Sympathetic. Actually bewildered is probably the word. I would never have expected this from them.

My head fucking hurts from the caffeine and all the thoughts that rolled around in there.

Anyway, this person said they couldn't trust that I could even sympathize with them unless I participated. They relented after I shared some personal information of my own, but still.
I know it wasn't about me, but it hurt that they assumed I wouldn't understand. I fucking do. I was this person like, 4 years ago. But I'm not anymore. Where did I go? What changed? What can I possibly say that will help? They also said I never act drunk, which means I couldn't be even either. That's why they assumed to share all info with me.
Time doesn't fix all wounds. But neither do drugs. And I haven't been fucked up on anything besides liquor in months. (Never on what they asked.) And even at that I've cut back on drinking.

I hurt. I really fucking hurt tonight. And it's not even for me. I hurt for them. I don't mean this as pious or anything. I'm in no place.
I still drink. I'm still getting over soooooo many things right now. I have to go see ANOTHER doctor to work on my sleep problems. BESIDES my sleep specialist. (Way to go bleeding heart. You looked after another's health tonight AGAIN instead of your own.)
But fuck... I want to be a good friend. And sometimes people just need someone to listen to them and be honest with. Without judgment. I did my best to be the best person for them tonight.

I hope because I didn't shut myself off from them I wasn't taking a step back. I'm on a slippery slope right now because I'M FUCKING LEARNING. I didn't judge, I swear. I understand.
But I smoked because they did. Also something I'm not looking for again at all. Not to mention the coffee which is making me feel so icky right now it's ridiculous.
That's it.
That's the step back.
I just realized.
When I type out I FEEL ICKY because of something I did for someone else, that has to be the line, right?
If there even is one... There must be.

I feel physically gross because I stretched myself out for someone. That must be a line. And putting my own "sobriety" out there is def not cool for me, or them. That's fucking enabling.

Welcome to my nightmare. I'm learning everything people learn in their teens now I think.

I have to stop typing. I feel like shit looking at this screen. I feel like fucking shit.
I am upset at me. And physically ill now.

And I finally had my first pleasant dream since I can remember last night and woke up today feeling pretty damn good. Fuck.

I wish Xanax could fix this. But it can't.

I love you. I do.

Growing pains are a bitch. Especially now that I've realized growing means leaving some people behind. No matter HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEM.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Our whole soul

Tonight is a trial. A different one in something I haven't faced before.

I attended a show and the band was fucking killer. I've seen enough to know who has it and who doesn't, and they fucking do. They are ready for major label attention an I'm sure they are gunna get it eventually. Anyway, invited the boys out afterward for drinks and they agreed. We met at The Cha Cha. Well, that was the plan anyway but it ended up being one member and his 'entourage' which was a bunch of females. When the Canadians left it was me, him, and a very obvious groupie. I decided to go ahead and leave at that point as I didn't see needing to be around with him sucking face with this drunk 21 year old. I wasn't offended exactly, other than the fact I was lured there as a group and then ended up being the third wheel to this very public display of "if you give me cock I'll be your whatever forever." I get it, I do. By all means, if you can and you're single go for it. But for chrissake leave me out of it.

(I'm leaving the band name out of this specifically as, well, it's good business.)

Chances are he'll call me and wanna hang out and maintain our friendship, but shit, I'm gunna make the terms very clear in this event. Anyway I'm not his handler or his manager or anything so it's not my job to look out for him. And besides, whatever her name was, if she's gunna be that easy, again, not my problem.

The real underlying issue in this is I came home alone. I wasn't around my usual posse, I didn't have my friends to keep me strong, or anything to keep me from triggering, which means I am. I am being tested. And because I was near Johnny's place, and I'm now drinking a bottle of white wine alone, I really fucking miss him tonight.
I know there are gunna be days where it's harder, and some easier, but on nights like this I have to wonder does he ever even think about me? Does he ever miss me at all?

I wish he could see some of the progress I've made, and the (even minor) changes I've made and continue to make.
I worked to the best of my ability to make that the best relationship it could have been, but I realize now how much easier it would have been on him if I'd been involved in doing this business more. It would've taken my attention away from wanting his so much. I don't feel that constant ache I once did, when you're hurt by the death of something beautiful.
I know in my heart I did my best with what I had at the time. I know the core issues would have remained, but I really wish I knew what I knew now. And I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I really, really miss our friendship.
It's going to take me some real time to find that kind of friendship again.

Anyway, I am hosting another open mic on Jan 18th which again is good for business- but, I'm working up the balls and working out the kinks to do a full Kate Sparrow set. Me, friends on other instruments, but the headliner would be me. This would be in Feb. I met a recent contact who is a writer associated with the stranger at a party and he's interested in hearing my work. If shit goes well, there could be something there as well.
I suppose it's another reason not to get caught up in love. I know how distracted I get by it.

God, I'm sick of reading this entry already. It's like I either write about love (or lack thereof) or some shit about the direction my music is taking. It's all lovely, I'm not downplaying it by any means, but if it doesn't work it's just more bullshit and that's not what I want for my life. I want real-ness, tried and true.

...That being said it's me and a bottle of white wine without my drinking partner. Or any drinking partner...

But none so beautiful as him...

And while I used this as a way to work out in my own head what was wrong with us, I wish I could take back any hurtful thing he ever read or misinterpreted.
I loved him more than he knows.

And I'm sorry for any outside influence that made me doubt- turned me out- lead me off. If it was just us- face to face- heart to heart- I do believe life could be different.

So I drink to you my friends. Making our lives the beautiful different. Never striving to stop learning, and to always loving with our whole hearts, which in turn fill our souls.


Wednesday, January 5, 2011


I suppose now is as good a time as any to write
btw happy xmas back SB, hope it was good. <3

As for me, I've been keeping myself busy. It's been nearly a month since I've written and while some days have been slow, some days have been mad. The last two weeks I've hardly drank, though I'm not seeing much progress. Started a new melody tonight, but that was before I welcomed my friend Deb back from the UK. Prior to that I was in Salt Lake for the holidays, and before that making plans to record. Got Joe Zara to agree to drums over the drum kit which is exciting as he's a musician I admire a lot. I've been talking to other musicians as well and plodding along. Things aren't moving as fast as I'd like, and we're behind on the UK date but as I understand, this is fairly normal. I made notions about doing a conventional Northwest thing, and I'm guessing I'll be doing a lot of the work on that. That's ok. I love Portland. I'll be happy to get there. My friend Glitch has some prior knowledge of the bar and club scene and is getting ready to tour with his band, which is exciting for him. But, I reiterate, we're plodding along.

Meanwhile I did bookings for other bands, and, as I said, traveled to Salt Lake. I got stuck in the Holiday traveling fiasco which made me really relieved to get there. When I did I had dinner and went straight to bed. The next night I stayed in as well. That surprisingly was the way for most of the trip. Christmas rolled around and I got some dvds, a few cds, and books which was awesome. My sister also bought me a manicure, which makes typing a sonofabitch. I Saw Wayne soon after and we had our usual sushi night and chatted about our lives. His ex fiance wrote him a letter and he asked my opinion. They hadn't spoken in 6 years, and I speculated it was a Christmas feeling or possibly because of a recent break up. Turns out I was right on both accounts. I guess it helped him kinda with the past and I was happy he got some closure. Six years is a long time to wait.
Anyway, the next night I went out with Candace and her husband Abe to the Highlander for a karaoke night which was a lot of fun. Another friend of theirs Aubrey was to come with us, but she left her ID so Candace drove her home. It gave Abe and I a chance to talk. We talked some about neutral things, and some about their trip to Seattle. I hadn't seen things the way they had, which may have been the right way. I Wish now I had...

The night ended on a high note, and I came back to Seattle the next night feeling kinda sick again. I had stayed home a lot in SLC for the same reason. When I got back I finished the book "Heavier Than Heaven," and planned my friend Sarah's birthday party. She says it was the best birthday ever, and I'd like to take a little pride in that. New Year's was crazy and for once, was actually a lot of fun, but not without incident. I celebrated at a gay bar with my friends Adrianne and Jeff and many of their friends, and then watched the fireworks from her rooftop in the freezing cold. It reminded me a bit of the fourth of July, and made me sad in a sense. I celebrated alone this year which was probably what I needed.

In other terms of what I need- therapy is a trip, and I'm doing my best to work out my immediate downfalls, as well as some of my past hindrances. The more I give of myself, the more I'm scared of judgment. This is the first time since I was a teenager more or less I'm talking about me and not about my relationship. (Or about how it relates to my mom.) I realize I talk about shit in here, but it's not exactly a sounding board and nobody's suggesting anything in that sort of way.
Since it all began in the whirlwind I have realized I'm a. Not Borderline anymore, or B. possibly never was. I have been told by 3 professionals now I'm too self aware. I also don't self injure often enough (apparently) and don't have a cluster B manipulative personality. I have also sought therapy more often, and haven't attempted suicide or showed suicidal behavior in many years.
There is some relief in this... Because it means I just have a complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I wish this means there was a pill I could take, or everything made sense now- But I'm not out of the woods yet. Traumas have built on top of traumas and the mess left in the wake of these events is palpable. I wish there was more I could do, but I just try and figure out how to nurture myself, write music, and stay out of the business of getting hurt.
Anyway, in therapy I'm learning and doing my best to stand up to people that do not have my interests at heart. I tell people what was up or what bothered me, even if it's after the fact. I am told it trains me to say something when people are actually doing it. I realize it's pretty late in the game to be learning this life skill, and I feel pretty jipped that no one told me I was doing it wrong before. But I've had the notion for a few years now and no way to put it into practice. It's good to have it laid out. I am a stubborn mother fucker though, and it's going slow. Especially with my desire to be nice to everybody all the damn time.

Even in writing this though, I can see my brain functioning a bit better. I'm proofreading on a bit of a higher level, and while I still feel more retarded talking to people than I did in say, high school, I am happy my brain is a little less clouded. I haven't had an ambien episode in about 4 months and have been more careful with my pills, and my health in the last 30 days. While I still love meeting new people, I'm not actively seeking a love substitute.

I hate to say any of this or admit it because I'm afraid I'll just fall off again into whatever shit used to work. It's not that I wasn't happy then- I can't even say I'm *that* different now. It feels like a shaky track. All it would take is one fucking fight, one episode, one side track into whatever is easiest- and I don't doubt it will happen- that will leave me emotionally paralyzed and unable to move forward. But I guess the best I can do is acknowledge it'll happen, write, and talk my way through it, then get back up and do it again.

I just hope I don't forget how to live, love, and be nice to people. I think sometimes it's a curse...
But at the end of the day I have to accept that's just me.

Happy new year.