Growing pains

Fuuuuuuuck.

Another trial. Man. It seems I'm being tested for everything now that I've set my mind to being better, and doing whatever that takes!

Hung out with a good friend tonight. One who has done me favors, and been a confidant as I have this person. When everything was said and done said person and I agreed to go to another location and talk.

What came forth I even feel bad for typing, but must confide somewhere. I guess this is as good a place as any. I'm being as anonymous as I can.

Anyway, said person tried to find drugs. Asked for my assistance in this act, and I said I didn't have anything or anyone to provide.

I honestly prayed that there would be no come through for them. I mean it. I listened to them while I drank coffee after 2am, a HUGE no no for me being an insomniac. So here I am at 5 am typing this, because this is a person I really care for, and want everything for. I mean, damn. They have the world at their finger tips if THEY COULD JUST SEE IT!

Thankfully someone somewhere must have been listening because they gave up.



Man... I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. Curious. Lost. Sympathetic. Actually bewildered is probably the word. I would never have expected this from them.


My head fucking hurts from the caffeine and all the thoughts that rolled around in there.

Anyway, this person said they couldn't trust that I could even sympathize with them unless I participated. They relented after I shared some personal information of my own, but still.
I know it wasn't about me, but it hurt that they assumed I wouldn't understand. I fucking do. I was this person like, 4 years ago. But I'm not anymore. Where did I go? What changed? What can I possibly say that will help? They also said I never act drunk, which means I couldn't be even either. That's why they assumed to share all info with me.
Time doesn't fix all wounds. But neither do drugs. And I haven't been fucked up on anything besides liquor in months. (Never on what they asked.) And even at that I've cut back on drinking.

I hurt. I really fucking hurt tonight. And it's not even for me. I hurt for them. I don't mean this as pious or anything. I'm in no place.
I still drink. I'm still getting over soooooo many things right now. I have to go see ANOTHER doctor to work on my sleep problems. BESIDES my sleep specialist. (Way to go bleeding heart. You looked after another's health tonight AGAIN instead of your own.)
But fuck... I want to be a good friend. And sometimes people just need someone to listen to them and be honest with. Without judgment. I did my best to be the best person for them tonight.

I hope because I didn't shut myself off from them I wasn't taking a step back. I'm on a slippery slope right now because I'M FUCKING LEARNING. I didn't judge, I swear. I understand.
But I smoked because they did. Also something I'm not looking for again at all. Not to mention the coffee which is making me feel so icky right now it's ridiculous.
That's it.
That's the step back.
I just realized.
When I type out I FEEL ICKY because of something I did for someone else, that has to be the line, right?
If there even is one... There must be.

I feel physically gross because I stretched myself out for someone. That must be a line. And putting my own "sobriety" out there is def not cool for me, or them. That's fucking enabling.

Welcome to my nightmare. I'm learning everything people learn in their teens now I think.

I have to stop typing. I feel like shit looking at this screen. I feel like fucking shit.
I am upset at me. And physically ill now.

And I finally had my first pleasant dream since I can remember last night and woke up today feeling pretty damn good. Fuck.

I wish Xanax could fix this. But it can't.

I love you. I do.

Growing pains are a bitch. Especially now that I've realized growing means leaving some people behind. No matter HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEM.