Complex

I suppose now is as good a time as any to write
btw happy xmas back SB, hope it was good. <3

As for me, I've been keeping myself busy. It's been nearly a month since I've written and while some days have been slow, some days have been mad. The last two weeks I've hardly drank, though I'm not seeing much progress. Started a new melody tonight, but that was before I welcomed my friend Deb back from the UK. Prior to that I was in Salt Lake for the holidays, and before that making plans to record. Got Joe Zara to agree to drums over the drum kit which is exciting as he's a musician I admire a lot. I've been talking to other musicians as well and plodding along. Things aren't moving as fast as I'd like, and we're behind on the UK date but as I understand, this is fairly normal. I made notions about doing a conventional Northwest thing, and I'm guessing I'll be doing a lot of the work on that. That's ok. I love Portland. I'll be happy to get there. My friend Glitch has some prior knowledge of the bar and club scene and is getting ready to tour with his band, which is exciting for him. But, I reiterate, we're plodding along.

Meanwhile I did bookings for other bands, and, as I said, traveled to Salt Lake. I got stuck in the Holiday traveling fiasco which made me really relieved to get there. When I did I had dinner and went straight to bed. The next night I stayed in as well. That surprisingly was the way for most of the trip. Christmas rolled around and I got some dvds, a few cds, and books which was awesome. My sister also bought me a manicure, which makes typing a sonofabitch. I Saw Wayne soon after and we had our usual sushi night and chatted about our lives. His ex fiance wrote him a letter and he asked my opinion. They hadn't spoken in 6 years, and I speculated it was a Christmas feeling or possibly because of a recent break up. Turns out I was right on both accounts. I guess it helped him kinda with the past and I was happy he got some closure. Six years is a long time to wait.
Anyway, the next night I went out with Candace and her husband Abe to the Highlander for a karaoke night which was a lot of fun. Another friend of theirs Aubrey was to come with us, but she left her ID so Candace drove her home. It gave Abe and I a chance to talk. We talked some about neutral things, and some about their trip to Seattle. I hadn't seen things the way they had, which may have been the right way. I Wish now I had...

The night ended on a high note, and I came back to Seattle the next night feeling kinda sick again. I had stayed home a lot in SLC for the same reason. When I got back I finished the book "Heavier Than Heaven," and planned my friend Sarah's birthday party. She says it was the best birthday ever, and I'd like to take a little pride in that. New Year's was crazy and for once, was actually a lot of fun, but not without incident. I celebrated at a gay bar with my friends Adrianne and Jeff and many of their friends, and then watched the fireworks from her rooftop in the freezing cold. It reminded me a bit of the fourth of July, and made me sad in a sense. I celebrated alone this year which was probably what I needed.

In other terms of what I need- therapy is a trip, and I'm doing my best to work out my immediate downfalls, as well as some of my past hindrances. The more I give of myself, the more I'm scared of judgment. This is the first time since I was a teenager more or less I'm talking about me and not about my relationship. (Or about how it relates to my mom.) I realize I talk about shit in here, but it's not exactly a sounding board and nobody's suggesting anything in that sort of way.
Since it all began in the whirlwind I have realized I'm a. Not Borderline anymore, or B. possibly never was. I have been told by 3 professionals now I'm too self aware. I also don't self injure often enough (apparently) and don't have a cluster B manipulative personality. I have also sought therapy more often, and haven't attempted suicide or showed suicidal behavior in many years.
There is some relief in this... Because it means I just have a complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Sigh...

I wish this means there was a pill I could take, or everything made sense now- But I'm not out of the woods yet. Traumas have built on top of traumas and the mess left in the wake of these events is palpable. I wish there was more I could do, but I just try and figure out how to nurture myself, write music, and stay out of the business of getting hurt.
Anyway, in therapy I'm learning and doing my best to stand up to people that do not have my interests at heart. I tell people what was up or what bothered me, even if it's after the fact. I am told it trains me to say something when people are actually doing it. I realize it's pretty late in the game to be learning this life skill, and I feel pretty jipped that no one told me I was doing it wrong before. But I've had the notion for a few years now and no way to put it into practice. It's good to have it laid out. I am a stubborn mother fucker though, and it's going slow. Especially with my desire to be nice to everybody all the damn time.

Even in writing this though, I can see my brain functioning a bit better. I'm proofreading on a bit of a higher level, and while I still feel more retarded talking to people than I did in say, high school, I am happy my brain is a little less clouded. I haven't had an ambien episode in about 4 months and have been more careful with my pills, and my health in the last 30 days. While I still love meeting new people, I'm not actively seeking a love substitute.

I hate to say any of this or admit it because I'm afraid I'll just fall off again into whatever shit used to work. It's not that I wasn't happy then- I can't even say I'm *that* different now. It feels like a shaky track. All it would take is one fucking fight, one episode, one side track into whatever is easiest- and I don't doubt it will happen- that will leave me emotionally paralyzed and unable to move forward. But I guess the best I can do is acknowledge it'll happen, write, and talk my way through it, then get back up and do it again.

I just hope I don't forget how to live, love, and be nice to people. I think sometimes it's a curse...
But at the end of the day I have to accept that's just me.

Happy new year.