Our whole soul

Tonight is a trial. A different one in something I haven't faced before.

I attended a show and the band was fucking killer. I've seen enough to know who has it and who doesn't, and they fucking do. They are ready for major label attention an I'm sure they are gunna get it eventually. Anyway, invited the boys out afterward for drinks and they agreed. We met at The Cha Cha. Well, that was the plan anyway but it ended up being one member and his 'entourage' which was a bunch of females. When the Canadians left it was me, him, and a very obvious groupie. I decided to go ahead and leave at that point as I didn't see needing to be around with him sucking face with this drunk 21 year old. I wasn't offended exactly, other than the fact I was lured there as a group and then ended up being the third wheel to this very public display of "if you give me cock I'll be your whatever forever." I get it, I do. By all means, if you can and you're single go for it. But for chrissake leave me out of it.

(I'm leaving the band name out of this specifically as, well, it's good business.)

Chances are he'll call me and wanna hang out and maintain our friendship, but shit, I'm gunna make the terms very clear in this event. Anyway I'm not his handler or his manager or anything so it's not my job to look out for him. And besides, whatever her name was, if she's gunna be that easy, again, not my problem.

The real underlying issue in this is I came home alone. I wasn't around my usual posse, I didn't have my friends to keep me strong, or anything to keep me from triggering, which means I am. I am being tested. And because I was near Johnny's place, and I'm now drinking a bottle of white wine alone, I really fucking miss him tonight.
I know there are gunna be days where it's harder, and some easier, but on nights like this I have to wonder does he ever even think about me? Does he ever miss me at all?

I wish he could see some of the progress I've made, and the (even minor) changes I've made and continue to make.
I worked to the best of my ability to make that the best relationship it could have been, but I realize now how much easier it would have been on him if I'd been involved in doing this business more. It would've taken my attention away from wanting his so much. I don't feel that constant ache I once did, when you're hurt by the death of something beautiful.
I know in my heart I did my best with what I had at the time. I know the core issues would have remained, but I really wish I knew what I knew now. And I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I really, really miss our friendship.
It's going to take me some real time to find that kind of friendship again.

Anyway, I am hosting another open mic on Jan 18th which again is good for business- but, I'm working up the balls and working out the kinks to do a full Kate Sparrow set. Me, friends on other instruments, but the headliner would be me. This would be in Feb. I met a recent contact who is a writer associated with the stranger at a party and he's interested in hearing my work. If shit goes well, there could be something there as well.
I suppose it's another reason not to get caught up in love. I know how distracted I get by it.

God, I'm sick of reading this entry already. It's like I either write about love (or lack thereof) or some shit about the direction my music is taking. It's all lovely, I'm not downplaying it by any means, but if it doesn't work it's just more bullshit and that's not what I want for my life. I want real-ness, tried and true.

...That being said it's me and a bottle of white wine without my drinking partner. Or any drinking partner...

But none so beautiful as him...

And while I used this as a way to work out in my own head what was wrong with us, I wish I could take back any hurtful thing he ever read or misinterpreted.
I loved him more than he knows.

And I'm sorry for any outside influence that made me doubt- turned me out- lead me off. If it was just us- face to face- heart to heart- I do believe life could be different.

So I drink to you my friends. Making our lives the beautiful different. Never striving to stop learning, and to always loving with our whole hearts, which in turn fill our souls.

<3