Friday, November 19, 2010

Couldn't Stay

Couldn't Stay

His eyes were blue
With flecks of gray
He'd make me laugh
On the hardest days
He'd sit with me
And a bottle of wine
We'd watch tv
To pass the time

But the days grew longer
As our time grew shorter
I could feel he was slipping away from me
And I wanted to touch him
And I wanted to beg him
To give me one more day...

But he couldn't stay
He couldn't stay
But that's ok
Everyone leaves in the end anyway

We had our fights
And our share of pain
But he held my hand
On that November day
I hope that he knows
That I wish him the best
And of all of the men I've loved
He'll be the one I won't regret

But the days grew longer
As our time grew shorter
I could feel he was slipping away from me
And I wanted to touch him
And I wanted to beg him
To give me one more day...

But he couldn't stay
He couldn't stay
But that's ok
Everyone leaves in the end anyway



Did he not know the way he looked at me
Would change my life and everything?
I still have trouble trying to believe
A man like that could ever have felt for me...

But the days grew longer
As our time grew shorter
I could feel he was slipping away from me
And I wanted to touch him
And I wanted to beg him
To give me one more day...

But he couldn't stay
He couldn't stay
But that's ok
Everyone leaves in the end anyway

I Bleed

I BLEED

Only women bleed
For the men they so desperately need
Was I blind to see?
All the reasons you wanted to be free?

Questions
Problems
Answers
I've Got none
This kind of love is killing me...

I bleed
Everytime you walk away
You would leave
Everything and now I'm crying
I bleed
When you said you'd never go away
But then you did
Now every night
I pay for it
I bleed

You left me at the start
Your silence is defeaning my heart
I examine my scars
Losing my mind wondering just what we are

Questions
Problems
Answers
I've Got none
What is this love you stole from me?

I bleed
Everytime you walk away
You would leave
Everything and now I'm crying
I bleed
When you said you'd never go away
But then you did
Now every night
I pay for it
I bleed

Why, why?
I don't understand
Why, why?
Do you color my world red?


I bleed
Everytime you walk away
You would leave
Everything and now I'm crying
I bleed
When you said you'd never go away
But then you did
Now every night
I pay for it
But then you did
Now every night
I pay for it
I bleed

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Blaaaaaah

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_tLsyi8nme4I/S8cQs1znFNI/AAAAAAAAD40/OUV_7KvZmIk/s400/Taurus+tattoo.jpg

K that's just so I have it written down somehwere.

Scott and I made up. He realized what an asshole he was being and apologized.

Then I got some of the most exciting news!!! One of my favorite shows on television is "Ghost Adventures" and the people who do it came to town and thanks to my lovely friend Brian I got to meet them, act like a total fan tard and get pix. I was GIDDY AS HELL.
I've met more than a few famous people in my time and this is the first time I was nervous about it. (Ok second. First was Lance from N Sync, but hey, I used to say I was gunna marry his beautiful gay ass.)
They were super nice, and then I managed to sneak into the tour and actually go through the paranormal experience with them which was awesome. But Freaky. I was touched on 2 seperate occasions by spirits and we recorded a wicked E.V.P Which said "here... we're here" I got the goosebumps and at some point the voice box called me a bitch. I was shocked. Well, I was provoking the spirit pretty badly. Anyway I was so high on life again that night. Haven't felt like that since The Dreaming played Studio Seven.

Met some nice people as usual. Hopefully I'll run into them in my ghost travels again.

Ended up dropping X with Sarah and Jay which was a funny and interesting night in and of itself but that was last weekend. Felt fine the next day.

I'm exhausted after 3 hours of sleep, and there was a lot more that happened. Don't know if I'm gunna be part of "sweet freak" anymore, but there are a couple other bands that are interested in me so we will see... Plus I wanna start something cool too.

I'm eating healthier again. Drinking again. Getting pierced again. Booking again.

I still have moments where I break down and miss Johnny pretty badly, and I drunk texted him a few nights ago about how I miss him. I apologized the next day. Most days I'm ok now. I'm opening my heart to new people.

Even though I get screwed more than the positivity I push through the muck and hope.

I want my simple life back. Sarah decribed my life as as "unstopable momentum" and somehow that makes sense.

Rest sucks.

First therapy tomorrow, wish me luck. It's time to try to sleep.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

In My Arms... My love for you

Where to start tonight. The drama. The fights, The love. The loss. The music.

Well anyway Flash Suppressor has decided they wanted a new direction. I was ok with this. Sad, but ok I understood we wanted different things. I wanted to push for more, and they wanted to stay a small time hobby band in a small time town. I want to push for everything possible.

God damn it if I could just find people who felt the same about image, the music, the future, the goals, blah blah.

Anyway I auditioned for Rene's band "Sweet Freak" last week. They haven't said yes or no at this point and I've been rehearsing and writing with them for a week. They keep saying they can't make a snap decision but fuck? Do you like what I do or not? The lyrics are totally different. Not emulating Evanescence at all. Wrote one called "Road To Hell" writing another called "Demonic Speed" and another called "The Other Side." It's COMPLETELY different than F.S and while I still have some control it isn't exactly mine. Guess we'll see. Who knows. I could be kicked out next week for "generation differences" or "less pop oriented mindedness."

WHATEVER.

Still haven't spoken to Debby. Just can't see a reason yet. Ran into Jeff twice this week, and I wonder if the fates are trying to tell me something.

Scott and I are officially in a major fight ha ha. He heard some shit from some chick named Sara who again, based on a person I know had shit to say and as usual, shit was contorted and now I'm in the dog house for nada. By the way, that bitch can fuck herself. I had her pegged from moment one as a shit talker, with daddy issues and a peter pan complex. I hate to talk shit but really. It's rare I meet someone who just SCREAMS at me stay away, bad, bad juju.
She totally did.

As I start to realize how bad some of the people are in my life right now I'm wondering if I was just blind before, or if I just in fact want to believe the best of people? If I do WHY? What in my life has possibly made me believe people truly care and are altruistic? HA.
I mean, sure, whatever- people care to a point. But as soon as they're off the phone and they realize you've lied and said you're ok they go on with their lives and you are still stuck where you were. ALONE, might I add.

God I'm feeling terribly jaded aren't I?

Why?

Dunno.

Johnny's thrown me to the side, Flash Suppressor is done with me, my family has fallen even further apart

Oh best explain that.

Mom found out Dad not only has a girlfriend but has been living with her. (Thanks for beating me to the punch Dad. See? Jaded.)
For keeping this little tidbit to myself based on my father's request my mom decided the easiest person to take this out on would be me. I am now a conniving, deceitful little bitch. In the middle (this is not the part I mind) I stand betwixt my mum and father with loyalties to both now that the smoke has cleared. But I have spent more hours than I care to share doing my best to let my mom down easy and explaining how Dad could possibly leave her. Then not only leave her, but find someone else instead.

I'm exhausting typing this out.

My peach lovers are running fast this month. I wish I had my Johnny to talk to... But I don't so again, it is what it is. I don't know who to turn to or what to say.

Devon has quickly shown himself to be just another musician. Not that he ever wasn't. But back from tour he is... well... you know. A guy. A friend. But never someone I would trust or care for in that sense.
NO one is.

I miss and ache for the life I had. The less complicated simple one Johnny seems to have down so well. Why is he so content dammit to just live that life? Why was I content to live it with him? Why now do I feel the need to constantly move and never touch home base, not even for an instant? He has another show and everytime I think about it I feel my insides break. Why do sometimes I feel numb? Why do I feel nothing at all? Why do I feel...?

I witnessed an accident tonight. Big deal. I'd rather not write about it. I waited for the police report and all. Wasn't anything compared to watching that person fall under the tires of that Mazda though. That was the thing of nightmares.


Speaking of nightmares I wish they would go fuck themselves.

Christ. Why is this such a negative entry? I don't feel like this so much anymore, it just seems like so much has added up...

My meds are making me look more sickly. I see it. I know others do too. I went to karaoke with my friend Michael P. Monday and he commented. I'm not scared. I wonder if others are. I wonder if that's why Dad cried in the Chinese restaurant...?

I am escaping to Cali on the 19th. I could use the break I think. Break to where? From what? Who cares...

I am preparing also for my acoustic show next week. Have my set sorted finally. What a mess that turned out to be.

I long to keep writing, because once I stop I'm alone in the dark again. Even with the Xanax. But I have nothing else to share at the moment other than my love for the world, life and affection.

I wish I could take you all in my arms and hold you til you felt love was real. Because maybe even if it isn't for me, and I never feel it... I feel it for you. Believe it.

<3

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Overview

Xanax entry.

Damn I wish I felt this calm and relaxed always. I had a rediculous non-stop crazy weekend. Shows, party, I got pissed at Devon. Got super drunk even for me. Met new people, and to my shame had another ambien episode. Thank christ I was able to switch to Xanax today because this is sooooo much better. Oh how I missed my peach lover.

Spent some time with my friend Rene today who claimed I'm impossible to get one on one. I hadn't exactly realized it until now, but they're right. I guess I'm afraid to do one on one time really. As a love addict I'm constantly looking to feel that feeeling, but I'm fucking afraid of it. I mean, how much further could I fall apart if I let it in? The real, all consuming passionate kind? And worse, what if it was returned? Disaster surely.

Something happened today that I can't go into right now, which is very sad. I just don't want to ruin this calm mood.

Need to start preparing for my acoustic set next Tuesday. And I have a new band audition on Wednesday,

I wish Lexi, my cat was here sleeping next to me.

And as always when I slow down long enough to think my mind wanders to J and I wish we were talking again.

I'm curling up with HBO now. I wish I had juice.

Aaaah well.