In My Arms... My love for you

Where to start tonight. The drama. The fights, The love. The loss. The music.

Well anyway Flash Suppressor has decided they wanted a new direction. I was ok with this. Sad, but ok I understood we wanted different things. I wanted to push for more, and they wanted to stay a small time hobby band in a small time town. I want to push for everything possible.

God damn it if I could just find people who felt the same about image, the music, the future, the goals, blah blah.

Anyway I auditioned for Rene's band "Sweet Freak" last week. They haven't said yes or no at this point and I've been rehearsing and writing with them for a week. They keep saying they can't make a snap decision but fuck? Do you like what I do or not? The lyrics are totally different. Not emulating Evanescence at all. Wrote one called "Road To Hell" writing another called "Demonic Speed" and another called "The Other Side." It's COMPLETELY different than F.S and while I still have some control it isn't exactly mine. Guess we'll see. Who knows. I could be kicked out next week for "generation differences" or "less pop oriented mindedness."

WHATEVER.

Still haven't spoken to Debby. Just can't see a reason yet. Ran into Jeff twice this week, and I wonder if the fates are trying to tell me something.

Scott and I are officially in a major fight ha ha. He heard some shit from some chick named Sara who again, based on a person I know had shit to say and as usual, shit was contorted and now I'm in the dog house for nada. By the way, that bitch can fuck herself. I had her pegged from moment one as a shit talker, with daddy issues and a peter pan complex. I hate to talk shit but really. It's rare I meet someone who just SCREAMS at me stay away, bad, bad juju.
She totally did.

As I start to realize how bad some of the people are in my life right now I'm wondering if I was just blind before, or if I just in fact want to believe the best of people? If I do WHY? What in my life has possibly made me believe people truly care and are altruistic? HA.
I mean, sure, whatever- people care to a point. But as soon as they're off the phone and they realize you've lied and said you're ok they go on with their lives and you are still stuck where you were. ALONE, might I add.

God I'm feeling terribly jaded aren't I?

Why?

Dunno.

Johnny's thrown me to the side, Flash Suppressor is done with me, my family has fallen even further apart

Oh best explain that.

Mom found out Dad not only has a girlfriend but has been living with her. (Thanks for beating me to the punch Dad. See? Jaded.)
For keeping this little tidbit to myself based on my father's request my mom decided the easiest person to take this out on would be me. I am now a conniving, deceitful little bitch. In the middle (this is not the part I mind) I stand betwixt my mum and father with loyalties to both now that the smoke has cleared. But I have spent more hours than I care to share doing my best to let my mom down easy and explaining how Dad could possibly leave her. Then not only leave her, but find someone else instead.

I'm exhausting typing this out.

My peach lovers are running fast this month. I wish I had my Johnny to talk to... But I don't so again, it is what it is. I don't know who to turn to or what to say.

Devon has quickly shown himself to be just another musician. Not that he ever wasn't. But back from tour he is... well... you know. A guy. A friend. But never someone I would trust or care for in that sense.
NO one is.

I miss and ache for the life I had. The less complicated simple one Johnny seems to have down so well. Why is he so content dammit to just live that life? Why was I content to live it with him? Why now do I feel the need to constantly move and never touch home base, not even for an instant? He has another show and everytime I think about it I feel my insides break. Why do sometimes I feel numb? Why do I feel nothing at all? Why do I feel...?

I witnessed an accident tonight. Big deal. I'd rather not write about it. I waited for the police report and all. Wasn't anything compared to watching that person fall under the tires of that Mazda though. That was the thing of nightmares.


Speaking of nightmares I wish they would go fuck themselves.

Christ. Why is this such a negative entry? I don't feel like this so much anymore, it just seems like so much has added up...

My meds are making me look more sickly. I see it. I know others do too. I went to karaoke with my friend Michael P. Monday and he commented. I'm not scared. I wonder if others are. I wonder if that's why Dad cried in the Chinese restaurant...?

I am escaping to Cali on the 19th. I could use the break I think. Break to where? From what? Who cares...

I am preparing also for my acoustic show next week. Have my set sorted finally. What a mess that turned out to be.

I long to keep writing, because once I stop I'm alone in the dark again. Even with the Xanax. But I have nothing else to share at the moment other than my love for the world, life and affection.

I wish I could take you all in my arms and hold you til you felt love was real. Because maybe even if it isn't for me, and I never feel it... I feel it for you. Believe it.

<3