Tuesday, June 29, 2010


I am replacing the entry I wrote earlier. I woke up. I'm fine. Thankfully.

I haven't eaten since Saturday night. I'm off to scavenger food. Likely a sandwich. I'm slowly losing weight again. I'm five lbs off from where I was last May. That makes me happy. But I miss food lol.

Lots has happened. Haven't cared to write much of it. I'm sure I will soon though.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


I tried a new karaoke spot tonight. It was actually, like, REALLY fun. I was seriously shaing before my first song. I was mildly intimidated. Evrybody in the bar seemed to know everybody, seemed to have a click. However, I got up despite and sang "Call Me When You're Sober" by Evanescence. It was warmly received by both the karaoke peeps and the host.
The host was high energy, he knew compuhost, and was a lot of fun. His name was Joe. Bonus points. I liked him right away, even though it takes some effort for me to like a karaoke host. He beat down my doubts. He was good. :)
The night seemed shorter than usual. I sang three times, as did all the good singers. I was in Fremont. I enoyed life there, in my fav part of Seattle. Started learning the scenery. Watched many a row team go by before sunset. It was great.

Eventually I came home, and here I am. Monday night. Living in the moment. Living for me. That's a great thing.

I have nothing else to offer tonight. I lived to my fullest. I enoyed my beautiful day. I spent it in my company, and I'm not bad company. Always good to reacknowledge. :)

Monday, June 14, 2010


I guess technically speaking I provoked a fight out of J today. I have been making a conscious effort to spend less time with him this week. I've spent time with Debbie, went to see an apartment, went to practice, spent time at bars, went to dinner, went to the store... I've just found other shit to do in our time together. I've been trying since it's so important to him. As per the last blow out we had, I said I would. I try hard to keep my promises.
I wasn't trying to fight with him- I simply tried to approach him by asking him if that was what he wanted. If lessening our time together was better for what he needed. He said yes. He also said he can't miss someone he knows he'll see on a regular basis. I told him I would try and change that too, as soon as I had a different place.
This discussion lead me to tell him how hard this thing has been on me. There is SO MUCH for me to handle in this relationship. So many fucking lines to walk.
And I keep trying to be cool. Not to care, or let anyone onto how much I care about what's going on. The little bits of it seep through into this blog. So I pull away, I guess.

And as I pull away, I put my guard up. It's off and on right now. I'm learning how to be selectively close. I can't just put everything out there all the time or I'm likely to get burned again. I'm already over the flame anyway. I suppose taking time away from the flame in essence isn't a bad thing.

I sent an email to my ex a few nights ago. I got a response tonight. Basically he says he has no reason to keep in touch with me, that all we do is hurt each other. It hurt to read it, but I can't help but think he has a point. He sent me some really terrible lyrics to tell me it. By terrible I mean, mean. Chris was never good at cushioning a fall.

I'm supposed to do sushi with a friend tomorrow. It'll make the day go by faster. Johnny and I are supposed to do a date on Tuesday and I'm really excited about it. Dinner at least. I like it when we do that sort of stuff. It makes me feel closer to him, and special.

I'm not tired yet. I wish I was. It's 3am. I was only asleep for about 8 hours so I don't know why I'm not. The true trick of insomnia. I can hear Nick snoring away in the room next to me too, and I know Missy is asleep cuz she was in here complaining when the folks woke her up when they got home. This is why I'm really hoping everything works out and I get out of here July first as planned.

Exploring the city tonight was nice. The weather is getting warmer. I wandered down post alley and into a theater. Managed to time it so I arrived just as a cast party was starting. Spoke to some of the actors. Met the current owner and got a tour of the place. Even got to see the parts they say are haunted. Maybe I'll look into performing there. It's an improv theater. I love and miss improv. I think it would be fun. It's something to consider anyway. Let's keep our options open.

I keep striking the wrong keys when I type. My muscles get this strange striking motions in my hands. It only happens at night, and usually only when I'm typing. It's like they are mad at me for trying to focus the energy they have on typing and react or something. It's happened 5 times this paragraph alone. It's driving me crazy. Some nights my hands just shake for no reason. It's stuff to tell the special st at the end of the month I guess. I remember when the insomnia started at 17. I remember when the pain started at 23. I remember the first blood abnormalities at 25, and now at 26 I'm experiencing things in my hands. The things I need for music. I'm hoping this is a slow progression or a really fast one. Whatever is going on.

Meanwhile Flash is working on learning new material of mine. They want to rework the set list for the shows after summer. I'm cool with this- but I'm going to be busy writing tunes. I just want to get a chance to see Portland again soon. I'm not sure what's going on with the tour right now. Oliver (the bassist)has said some things that lead me to believe it will get post postponed again, or maybe even cancelled. Sigh. We'll see.

Ok, I'm gunna watch the movie and figure out what to put down my throat to sleep tonight. I actually slept 3 nights this week without pills. I was amazed. I'll never sleep here without anything, without my Johnny.

Here's hoping all my blogland peeps sleep well too.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

New Shit

I don't understand why I have the urge to be so damn nice all the time, and refrain from stepping on any one's toes. I'm going to go upstairs and right now and blast some fucking Silverchair and disturb everyone awake and or home. Screw it. Nobody gives a shit about me, why should I them? God damn.

I don't know why I haven't been writing lately. I guess cuz I've been thinking a lot. Feeling a lot. Which is strange, since I usually write when I'm like that.

I've put such a block on what I used to write, since I've been sensitive to Johnny's feelings. Not just his I suppose, but everyone's. I'm tired of it dammit. Johnny thinks I'm demanding, he thinks I'm a nag. He thinks a lot of negative things about me which really get me down. I make a conscious effort to not be those things. But apparently, I fail. I still after all this time don't think he has a realistic picture of who I am. He thinks good things about me too- he thinks I'm funny. He thinks I'm pretty. But the fact you can think such negative things about someone you care for really doesn't make sense to me.
His brother came over to his apartment the other day while I was there. He hardly acknowledged me. I didn't know if they were leaving or what, and I wanted to give them time to hang without me around. I respect the fact that they need to do that. So I called Debbie and asked her to hang out. Thank god she said yes, because immediately after his brother started talking about something to do with Amber and hanging out and it was all I could do to finish getting ready and leave before breaking down in the garage.

That's sort of what spurned the last post. I have gotten along with every one's family I have ever dated. Well, except for Josh... But I was too openly mouthed liberal from them and I should have kept my teenage ideals away from their Christian home. Hindsight being 20/20 and all. I have tried everything I can think of to get Chris (J's brother) invoved in a conversation with me. I've asked about music, hobbies, work, his life, his girlfriend, and I haven't gotten one straight answer. Everytime I come away feeling defeated and wondering why he doesn't make the same effort. Is it because he doesn't think I'm a permanent fixture and therefore it doesn't matter? Has Amber said really shitty things about me to him? Would he feel he's betraying her by letting me in, even in the slightest? This really fucking tears me apart. I'm tired of thinking about it. Being upset about it. Why can't I just let this shit go like a normal person? Is it because I want to be a permanent fixture and see the need to at least have a working dialog with him?

Ugh, I'm so sick to my stomach right now. I've downed 2 nyquil and 2 tylenol pm again, trying to sleep. The ambien didn't really work last night. I tried to sleep at 2 after taking pills round 1:30 and didn't get to sleep til proabably 4, even though I was tired as hell. I haven't been eating nearly as much since I've been on a diet planning for this music video we were supposed to shoot Sunday but got postponed. I wasn't too upset about it. Gives me more time to starve myself. :p

On the music note we had a Flash Suppressor show on Friday which was fucking dead. Glorified practice. Fun though as usual. Only had 2 glasses of wine. The next day was Powerman 5000. I woke up that morning and knew there was no getting back to sleep, so I didn't even bother trying. We had sound check and set up at 5 pm, and then I went home to change into clothes for the show. I was constantly running through the chord changes in my head, and basically working myself into a tizzy. Especially when people started lining up outside the venue. The club expected 500 people to be there, and I'd say with the bar and everything it was pretty damn close. Johnny came even thought he wasn't feeling well and I was excited for that. Debbie and my friend Nate came too.
I can't tell you how intimidating it is to look out on a sea of people and in one patch see your t shirts, and people sporting tatoos of your logo. Even though I realize it's all Sev's doing, I'm part of this band now. It represents me. My key skills. The fact I was good enough to be part of something that I knew of a year before I joined, and with musicians I respect and admire.

Holy shit does nyquil make you feel weird when you aren't taking it for a cold...

Anyway, it was a blast and when it was over I felt pretty good about the performance. Everybody told me I had been worried for nothing. I went to Johnny's right after the Powerman set was through. He left after ours.

In other news I started looking for a new place to live again last week and as always, it's a drag. Yesterday when I was talking to Deb on messenger though, she suggested we live together. I told her I hadn't mentioned it to her because I didn't want to ruin our friendship. Totally true. But in the end decided it would be fun, and way better than moving in with a bunch of strangers again. Plus living with her, could just be living with her. No other roomies. No one to be inconsiderate of my sleep habits and space. Yeah, I can deal with that. Last night I was super happy just chatting with Corbette and Debby on messenger. Happiest I've been in awhile I'd say. I crashed though, just like I always do after I'm that up. Saw a picture of Orrin and his girlfriend on the day they moved into their new place together. Made me miss him, but more to the point- made me really feel for her. In that empty space after losing the man she loved. I can't imagine. And don't want to. Death follows the people I know around like a fucking cloud. I think maybe I'm cursed like that. Johnny called and talked to me for a minute during all this. I said I missed him. He left a long pause on the phone and said nothing. Then I missed him even more.

I have been trying to do self realization shit again, and it's harder to come by than it used to be but I did realize this I think: My chemistry is complicated by sleep. I am usually on a flat to down slanted mood meter. I take downers to help me sleep. What I should be doing it taking uppers to self medicate but can't because of the sleep. So... I'm imbalanced in it all. I'm out of codeine too and I really really needed it the last 2 days. I hate my back. I see it in pictures and I'm disgusted with it. That and my weight and acne. This is why I don't do pictures. They just make me feel icky. I know I'm ok looking... But I'm terribly unphotogenic. You'd know if you saw me.

Ok eyes are feeling weird, stomach is sick, brain is being it's usual irritating self. Nap time I hope. Til Nick gets home and wakes me up. Til then.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Scattered Thoughts

I feel like sometimes I'm settling into myself. Like I'm doing ok, or I'm happy and then I read something that put me back in check. Back in reality. Slams me back into my body. I'm tired of being quiet about everything on a related, but separate note.

I spoke to my friend Debbie for a long time last night. About the last few years. Then the last few weeks. I met her cat. We had drinks...

I'm stoked about playing a show tonight. I'm stoked about the Powerman 5000 show tomorrow. I am on my way out the door with more questions than answers today. All of what everyone has said about me rings around in my head. I suppose somewhere is the truth. I'm gunna eat sushi and ponder more about my life and the next step. I texted dad about moving out to Oregon for awhile again. Depending on what happens with the band.
I just have the urge to get away for awhile again. Last time that happened it reset everything in my life, and mostly in good ways.

Stay tuned, soon all will be revealed. Again.