Tuesday, June 8, 2010

New Shit

I don't understand why I have the urge to be so damn nice all the time, and refrain from stepping on any one's toes. I'm going to go upstairs and right now and blast some fucking Silverchair and disturb everyone awake and or home. Screw it. Nobody gives a shit about me, why should I them? God damn.

I don't know why I haven't been writing lately. I guess cuz I've been thinking a lot. Feeling a lot. Which is strange, since I usually write when I'm like that.

I've put such a block on what I used to write, since I've been sensitive to Johnny's feelings. Not just his I suppose, but everyone's. I'm tired of it dammit. Johnny thinks I'm demanding, he thinks I'm a nag. He thinks a lot of negative things about me which really get me down. I make a conscious effort to not be those things. But apparently, I fail. I still after all this time don't think he has a realistic picture of who I am. He thinks good things about me too- he thinks I'm funny. He thinks I'm pretty. But the fact you can think such negative things about someone you care for really doesn't make sense to me.
His brother came over to his apartment the other day while I was there. He hardly acknowledged me. I didn't know if they were leaving or what, and I wanted to give them time to hang without me around. I respect the fact that they need to do that. So I called Debbie and asked her to hang out. Thank god she said yes, because immediately after his brother started talking about something to do with Amber and hanging out and it was all I could do to finish getting ready and leave before breaking down in the garage.

That's sort of what spurned the last post. I have gotten along with every one's family I have ever dated. Well, except for Josh... But I was too openly mouthed liberal from them and I should have kept my teenage ideals away from their Christian home. Hindsight being 20/20 and all. I have tried everything I can think of to get Chris (J's brother) invoved in a conversation with me. I've asked about music, hobbies, work, his life, his girlfriend, and I haven't gotten one straight answer. Everytime I come away feeling defeated and wondering why he doesn't make the same effort. Is it because he doesn't think I'm a permanent fixture and therefore it doesn't matter? Has Amber said really shitty things about me to him? Would he feel he's betraying her by letting me in, even in the slightest? This really fucking tears me apart. I'm tired of thinking about it. Being upset about it. Why can't I just let this shit go like a normal person? Is it because I want to be a permanent fixture and see the need to at least have a working dialog with him?

Ugh, I'm so sick to my stomach right now. I've downed 2 nyquil and 2 tylenol pm again, trying to sleep. The ambien didn't really work last night. I tried to sleep at 2 after taking pills round 1:30 and didn't get to sleep til proabably 4, even though I was tired as hell. I haven't been eating nearly as much since I've been on a diet planning for this music video we were supposed to shoot Sunday but got postponed. I wasn't too upset about it. Gives me more time to starve myself. :p

On the music note we had a Flash Suppressor show on Friday which was fucking dead. Glorified practice. Fun though as usual. Only had 2 glasses of wine. The next day was Powerman 5000. I woke up that morning and knew there was no getting back to sleep, so I didn't even bother trying. We had sound check and set up at 5 pm, and then I went home to change into clothes for the show. I was constantly running through the chord changes in my head, and basically working myself into a tizzy. Especially when people started lining up outside the venue. The club expected 500 people to be there, and I'd say with the bar and everything it was pretty damn close. Johnny came even thought he wasn't feeling well and I was excited for that. Debbie and my friend Nate came too.
I can't tell you how intimidating it is to look out on a sea of people and in one patch see your t shirts, and people sporting tatoos of your logo. Even though I realize it's all Sev's doing, I'm part of this band now. It represents me. My key skills. The fact I was good enough to be part of something that I knew of a year before I joined, and with musicians I respect and admire.

Holy shit does nyquil make you feel weird when you aren't taking it for a cold...

Anyway, it was a blast and when it was over I felt pretty good about the performance. Everybody told me I had been worried for nothing. I went to Johnny's right after the Powerman set was through. He left after ours.

In other news I started looking for a new place to live again last week and as always, it's a drag. Yesterday when I was talking to Deb on messenger though, she suggested we live together. I told her I hadn't mentioned it to her because I didn't want to ruin our friendship. Totally true. But in the end decided it would be fun, and way better than moving in with a bunch of strangers again. Plus living with her, could just be living with her. No other roomies. No one to be inconsiderate of my sleep habits and space. Yeah, I can deal with that. Last night I was super happy just chatting with Corbette and Debby on messenger. Happiest I've been in awhile I'd say. I crashed though, just like I always do after I'm that up. Saw a picture of Orrin and his girlfriend on the day they moved into their new place together. Made me miss him, but more to the point- made me really feel for her. In that empty space after losing the man she loved. I can't imagine. And don't want to. Death follows the people I know around like a fucking cloud. I think maybe I'm cursed like that. Johnny called and talked to me for a minute during all this. I said I missed him. He left a long pause on the phone and said nothing. Then I missed him even more.

I have been trying to do self realization shit again, and it's harder to come by than it used to be but I did realize this I think: My chemistry is complicated by sleep. I am usually on a flat to down slanted mood meter. I take downers to help me sleep. What I should be doing it taking uppers to self medicate but can't because of the sleep. So... I'm imbalanced in it all. I'm out of codeine too and I really really needed it the last 2 days. I hate my back. I see it in pictures and I'm disgusted with it. That and my weight and acne. This is why I don't do pictures. They just make me feel icky. I know I'm ok looking... But I'm terribly unphotogenic. You'd know if you saw me.

Ok eyes are feeling weird, stomach is sick, brain is being it's usual irritating self. Nap time I hope. Til Nick gets home and wakes me up. Til then.

1 comment:

  1. I am unphotogenic as fuck, too. I'm sure you're lovely. Good luck with the new place.

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