Informed

I know it's bed time but I've been researching deaths related to drugs and alcohol and some of the information scares me.

I am worried about what pain does, and how I combat it...
Am I speeding this whole thing up? Does it matter?

Anyway... This is a useless entry.

At least I'm more informed.

Busy Weekend

I've been hanging out with my friends a lot. I finally let them in again. I'm making new ones as well. Made out with a couple girls at a party last night. Got too drunk, I'm so hungover today.

Before that I picked up Devon from the airport. It was nice to have him back from tour. We went to his place and hungout for awhile then he made dinner. Then I went to the party to meet up with Scott.


Before that though Sarah, Jay, Alex, Jeff and I met up at the Mercury on Friday. I hadn't invited Debbby really. She and I were on shaky ground and I wanted some time with other people. She kept saying snarky things that weren't funny. Just hurtful. Turns out Jeff invited her so she showed up anyway. I sent Jeff outside to get her when she texted me so she could get in. They were gone awhile so the joke started that they were making out somehwere. When the got into the bar after hearing the joke Debby immediately grabbed Jeff and started making out with him. This pissed me off. A lot.
Debby was supposed to go to the Flash show on Friday too, and I was to give her a ride. So I waited around for her, calling and texting and after waiting 15 minutes longer than I should have I left without her. That pissed me off too. She didn't even have the courtesy to let me know.
At this point she messed with my housing, my music, and now she was messing up my friends. I was not ok with this.

When she climbed into his lap and embarrassed the whole club I was absolutely fed up. I asked her not to take him home. And they left together. It was basically a "I don't care how you feel, fuck you" sort of gesture. She then had the audacity to send me a bunch of angry texts the next morning saying that I had better not be mad at her cuz she had done nothing wrong.

I'm so over the fucking drama. I don't need it. I told her I was gunna take a couple days to think about our "friendship." It doesn't matter though, because I can't trust her around my guy friends anymore. Which in lamens terms means I can't trust her at all period.

Saturday was such a hard day. All I kept thinking about was Johnny, and Johnny's show and feeling really twisted about it. I probably would've felt the same if I had known I was going. But it's hard to tell. I met up with Scott instead and we went to dinner and talked alot about our exs, and then we went to get him a tattoo. It was weird watching it happen for real. I kept comparing the pain to S.I though and thinking it's probably no worse. Anyway I didn't feel like coming home to be alone, and neither did he so we had a sleepover. When I came home the next day I relaxed.

I'm still trying to keep my stress down, and I need to go in for another blood test. I've gained some of the wieght back. It's been a few weeks since the hospital.

I'm stoked for Halloween again. It's been a year since we recorded our demo. A year since Moby. A year since`I rolled with Johnny, which was amazing. A year ago I was still living in Everett. I was different. I'm wiser now. I'm more focused on what I want.

Anyway this week looks to be kinda busy. Jay and I are doing dinner tomorrow, and then Sarah and I are hanging out. I think tomorrow I'll hit the Halloween store and see what my options are. I just like being there either way. Thursday I'm meeting up with Adam likely, and there's a show Friday. Stay busy, don't look back.

Love sent into the universe tonight. I'm open and receptive.

P.S Missing my other Adam tonight a lot. He had what the girl had in "My Sister's Keeper" and they keep showing the movie on HBO. I hope we meet again. R.I.P Love.

And now for something different

I've tried writing a few entries over the last few days and things have gotten deleted.

I'm glad we got a chance to do the show we did on Friday. I had 9 friends come out to Everett from Seattle to see us. I was finally excited to play and do music again after I woke up that day and heard that news.
We got screwed over surprise surprise by the promoter, but the show went smoothly.

The next night was The Key Note Speaker show, my friend Scott's band. Scott ended up wasted before playing the show and what ensued was crazy antics and the most rediculous rock and roll show I've ever seen. Hard to explain, but he spent part of the show on the floor singing into the mic sideways, with the mic laying on the floor next to him. Anyway, my friend Jay accompanied me to the show and then we all went to the tin hat. Then Scott invited us back to his place for wine so we went and Jay and I ended up crashing there.

We got up really early and hit Beth's cafe then went back to Jay's place where his room mate's father offered me a shot of bitters at ten am. So I drank it, and continued to drink wine through the day til we decided to order some pizza. I called Sarah and she came over and met up with us. Then at 7pm, after not having since slept since way before The Flash Suppressor show, Sarah and I napped as Jay's D&D Party began. I woke up around 3am and woke up Jay and we talked til 6am when he had to go to work, then I came home again.

The week was good, and I've made a new friend as well- Devin. Met some new people. I've stayed busy and social and I've been so much happier this way. A lot of texts.

I've decided to re-establish Hula nights, so everyone came out yesterday. We took up the whole right wall this time. I was told I was magnetic at some point and looking around that room at everyone I knew and brought together I believed it.
I have to say Devin has been good for my soul in ways. Every time I give him some sort of compliment or attention, he completely returns it. He consistently tells me how sweet I am. He left town after hanging out but has been texting me. We're gunna hang out when he gets back again.

I picked up the notebook and have started penning lyrics again as well. One song I've started is about seeing everybody I've lost again, which is coming along. Melodies play in my head all the time. I guess I'm feeling like myself again kinda.

Monday I was SUPER sick. But I have been staying in a good mood really since the weekend. I'm gunna do an acoustic show in 3 weeks and I'm stoked, but a little weirded out. It'll just be me and my keyboard. I'm trying to figure out which songs to play. At least a couple Flash ones, but def solo stuff. Maybe I'll have a whole new song to debut by then.

I did have a dream last night about ending up with Johnny again. It felt so real... Then I woke up and realized that no, I was still alone and we're still not speaking. His show that I was invited to and then he un-invited me to is Saturday. I really wish there was something else going on that day I wanted to be at. I miss him. I want to be at the show pretty badly, but I respect his not wanting me there.

On that note I want to clarify that the song "villan" is not about Johnny. Johnny never made me out to be the villan. It was everybody else. And that's what I'm writing about. The frustration at that situation. The whole damn thing.

Even if Johnny doesn't want me at his show because he has another girl coming, at this point I've let it go. I have no desire to cause drama or feel that anxiety anymore. I'd love to see him again at this point. Give him a hug. Let him know no hard feelings and all that, and move on. Moving on is hard, but I'm working on it. And I'm def feeling better like I said since the weekend.

I still haven't decided on my plans for Halloween or even what my costume will be, but I def want to do something cool.

Anyway, that's the news for now. Pills are almost gone, but I am SO PROUD of myself because I am only going to be without pills for 3 days. ONLY 3 DAYS. That never happens. Usually 2 weeks is how long I'm strung out for but it's only gunna be 3 days. I dunno how that worked out but yay!

Ok, off to find something else to do.

Miss

It's 3:30 and I got skewampus on my sleep again, so I've just woken up. Which means I'm gunna medicate hard to sleep in a few hours before I have to go do the show again.

I'm so fucking tired. I'm just so emotionally and physically tired. I don't even want to do it right now. I'm tired of all the play acting I'm doing again lately. I tell my friends I'm fine. I make sure I'm shut up in my space when the dark times are hardest.

Oh, and I got a lecture from a doctor today which was fucking great. I felt even more depressed. Then I got pissed off. Then I thought about running my car off the road but then realized I've just discovered all this great music lately and I wouldn't get to ever hear it again, so I changed my mind. Which is funny if you think about it.

So instead I went to dinner with my Dad and we talked a lot. I went over all the medical intake stuff and told him he was my emergency contact, and that I'd been to the doctor that morning. I told him about the trip to Utah and we talked a lot about the stuff that happened over the years. He told me he missed me a lot and I saw tears in his eyes. Which made me get a little teary too. I rubbed his arm and told him it was all gunna be ok. This was just a difficult time, but things get better. Then I felt like a liar because I'm having a hard time believing it myself.

Then I went to practice and we went through the set. Then we started writing a new song. I've decided to write it about all the bullshit circumstance that circled the relationship and so far it's called "you made a villan out of me." There were lots of people that I believe it's in refrence to, so, whatever. We'll see if I finish it. I'm going into the studio next weekend to start recording my first solo song. I've written lots of little riffs lately some I remember, and some I don't.

I went on facebook tonight to let everyone know my phone is out of commission as well, and up popped a pic of Chris that was tagged while he was in Vegas for Kasey's birthday. Since I seem to be a massochist these days I clicked on the album and strolled through the pictures. All the faces of people I called friends. That I loved. That I miss too. It made me feel more lonely. I don't have a crew to get together with anymore. How do I make friends and yet not have anyone to talk to?

It's so fucked up!!! People want to help me, and be there for me. But I just can't let them in all the way. I know Sarah and Deb would. I know Jay is trying. Jason... I talk to Scott everyday now but we always end up talking about his ex girlfriend, which makes me tired too because I try really hard to just listen and be supportive and say comforting things, but he's in a similar place that I am I think, which is a selfish place to be and it's hard for me to give right now. And he can't give because he spends all of his energy worrying over his ex.
I don't get tied up in knots over Johnny as much as I used to. I still cry in the shower and get the urge to text him every ten minutes. Every time I see a panda I feel as if I've been punched in the gut.

When I was in Utah Lexi, my mom's cat, would follow me around and sleep with me and such and it made me miss Leis so much sometimes I couldn't breathe.

I promised myself when I got back I'd start actively trying to date as well. Because I'll never get over J until I get interested in someone else. But even that is exhausting. The thought of dating roulette again. Ugh. It's a hard line to walk in my brain too because if I get close to someone now anyway, it could be a short lived thing.

I just don't have the answers. And it seems a lack of will to find them.

I met this interesting guy when I went out by myself the other night named (ha) JohnJohn. He was passing through Seattle with his friends on this epic road trip and they were telling me about. They had started in North Carolina and they had been traveling for some weeks. They were leaving Seattle the next morning to head to the sequoias. I went to bed that night wishing I had the money to go with them. Those people are really living. Experiencing it. They were going to end in Santa Barbara on the beach drinking Mai Tais and figuring out their futures. It's safe to say I wanted to escape with them I think.

Anyway, seeing the pics of Chris brought up a lot of old feelings. And it made me really hope Johnny and I don't end up there. Though the distance keeps growing between us. I wonder if he misses me. Thinks about me anymore. I wonder if he gets lonely at night when we used to watch our shows together. I don't like to wonder wheather he's dating but sometimes my brain won't let me help but ask itself.

I should try and sleep even though I'm not really tired having only woken up an hour ago. I need to charge my phone in my car til I get a new charger I guess.

I wish all these fucking feelings would sort themselves out too, cuz I'm tired of feeling this way.

So I leave you with this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p62rfWxs6a8&ob=av3e

"Samson"

There are so many lyrics in here that sort of fit things. And emotions. If you listen to what she's saying underneith.

Broken

"I wanted you to know- taht I love the way you laugh"

"I want to hold you high and steal your pain...away"

(Oh fuck, if only I could fix it all. Make your pain as if it never happened)

"I keep your photograph- and I know it serves me well"

(It' the only fucking proof we ever existed together. One picture. One moment.)

"I wanna hold you high and steal your pain"

(See above)

"Cuz I'm broken, when I'm lonesome.."

(Which was whenever I knew we'd be apart for awhile. Lonliness was always my biggest trigger.)

"And I don't feel right, when you're gone away"

(Self explanitory)

"You've gone away- you don't feel me- here- anymore.."

(And it breaks my fucking heart... Percocet help me faster...)



So Broken plays in my head, and I fully take the song to mean exactly what I want it to right now...

Did a medical intake today. Filled out forms. Did some tests. Trying to figure out what's best. I can't write of it now as I'm trying to wind down but it was eye opening to say the least.

I have a show Friday with FS and then depending on results, consults and the like, FS may be going on break again because I gotta get well. Or at least... You know, try...

Johnny doesn't want me at the show he has coming up on the 28th. Broke my heart again to hear him say that. I don't know when he has another planned, and wheather or not I'll be... good to go... I suppose it doesn't matter. I want to be there so badly but our glory days are over. I'd be a problem likely, even if I was a fly on the wall just to hear the music and leave. I just want SO MUCH to fill in as much as I can right now. To see him at his best. Wish him well. Mom says that makes me a sucker. Dad says that makes me weak. I tell them they have no right to tell me how to feel now and they back off. Now is a time to fill my life with experience, and happiness and love. And I had that with him.

He doesn't have all the details, and I'm sory to say neither do you. But I feel sick again and it's time to lay down.

I feel telling anyone everything would be manipulation in some way and so I lay silent. But here. Waiting. Watching. Hopeful.

Shit Talkers

Emotionally I'm back to shit today.

Johnny's illuding to one liners on messenger that make me miserable. We're still not speaking. It's eating me. I feel like he's mad at me, and I have no idea what exactly it is I did or am doing to piss him off.
FUCK!

He broke *my* fucking heart. He ended it with me. The stress of everything caused me to get really sick, and he has the thought in his head that I never loved him? Or... whatever it is he's thinking I don't know. I can tell you I have NEVER had to fight to fucking comfort myself like this. EVERYBODY knows how I felt for him. I did everything in my power to try and make him happy. To accuse or illude to to the falsivity of my feelings is like... quite possibly the most hurtful thing any single person could do on the planet. It cuts me inside like nothing has before. WHAT ELSE COULD I HAVE DONE FOR HIM? WHY WASN'T IT ENOUGH? WHY WASN'T I ENOUGH?

All I have is my compassion and love. And my time. I don't have anything else. To say I didnt give it, or if he's back to believing shit rumors is utterly wrong.
God people I'm so tired. I'm so tired of defending myself to a man that all I tried to do was show love. I NEVER did this with any of my exs. Ask any of them. There wasn't even a fight about my fidelity or activities or whatever. They knew because I showed them.

Which leads me to what happened on Tuesday. Tuesday was the Covenant show and that's a story for another blog. A damn good slash weird one... But I went with my friend Jay and after everything went down we walked the short distant to another bar for a final shot and some girl came up to me and said "I know you!" I looked at her and said "likely a show somewhere" she said yeah that sounded right. Then her face lit up and she said OH! You dated Chris' brother right? I said yes, but we had broken up recently. She pulled me in for a hug which sort of surprised me then asked if we could go talk. I agreed.
What she told me fucking ripped me in half. Apparently Chris never liked me. He had a lot of things to say about me, based on shit Amber had said apparently. I listened to absololutely horrible half truths and flat out lies and as the tears started to stream down my face she asked if she wanted me to stop. I told her no, I wanted the whole fucking truth. Every ugly thing. I couldn't believe the things she was saying. I'm not going to give her name, but she works with Chris. And she felt very certain that in some small way it had contributed to our reltionship ending. I agreed with her.

WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS SHIT? why did these people two-face me? lie? Why was I ALWAYS in a position on the defense? Why does he hurt me when I am nice to him? Why couldn't we talk about any of this? I fucking knew you can trust NOBODY. EVER. I feel so completely betrayed, and not by the usual suspects, but even by J for buying into the shit people who wanted him for themselves said. And then believing it... It snowballed. I sit here in fucking shock really. I just wanted something real. The obsticles I had to overcome because of the people in his life... I was set up to lose. I NEVER could have won. Let me repeat that: I was set up from day one to fail.
What else could I have done? What should I have been? All of my friends accepted Johnny. They knew he made me happy and that was good enough for them- and the one person who tried to sabotage it I dropped immediately because J was more important.
I'm a wreck for the first time in a week as I write this. I knew it was bad but not that bad. Maybe Johnny sabotaged it too. I think he was bored at the end. Obviously I knew the end was apon us, but it didn't make it easier.

I'm doing better in general though. Enough time is passing that I'm starting to have moments where I feel like my old self or I laugh. I feel guilty for a moment, but then I remind myself I'm allowed. I don't have to live as I have been forever.
God I miss him still though. No one can replace him. I don't want them to.
I'm sure he has Amber hanging around as a companion to help with his lonliness and soon I think it would be healthy if I found the same. I don't want to know if he's dating. It's too fucking soon for me. I have to be more well for the next one. (If there is a next one)And again, I don't want to get close to people if I know the time spent together may be short. So here I am.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I just needed to vent I guess. Thanks as always for listening. Doctor on the 12th to decide the next step in that department. I'm feeling more optomistic about it then I have been. Because, hey, what can I do but make the most of it. Mom's keeping me close, and Carrie's decided she's going to come to Seattle at the end of the month to spend time with me. (This is why I keep health shit to myself generally or only share it with the closest people. People change when they know something is up.)
The rain has stopped and the percocet is lovely, but it's making me tired. 2 hours sleep and stress is enough for now.

Xanax, RB, Stomach Pain

So I think the thing that clicked was the clonazepam. I took one last night because I was willing to try anything to help, and I really think it did.

If I'd had another one to take today I bet the feeling would have lasted longer than it did.

However, after eating today my stomach is cramping so mother fucking bad. Like, the stomach area just under my ribs. It hurt more than I can say. Maybe I overdid it. I'm hoping to sleep it off. I ate half a sandwhich for lunch, a lean cuisine, and part of a burrito. That is a lot more than I have eaten since the whole mess began. I don't wanna take a pain med because they are hard on your stomach and if it already hurts I'm afraid of making it worse. Maybe it was the tylenol I took earlier. Who fucking knows.

I tried to take my mind off of it by going to visit my friend Scott. He's in love with a girl who is dating Johnny's best friend now. It's so weird and such a small world. I think we may go to a show tomorrow night. I only feel safe hanging out with people who don't really want anything from me. Plus one of these days I'm hoping he'l help me record some of the stuff I've written. I haven't really written anything new in a month.

Xanax brain now. Thank God, because Ambien brain is fucking stupid and I hate it.

I'll write more when I'm more here. My stomach still hurts, but at least I'm very calm.

P.S- Bought "Get Him To The Greek" yesterday. Watching it. Love it. RB is fucking HILLARIOUS.

Click

YAY! A posiive entry...

So, something clicked for me last night. I won't give details but...

I am eating for the first time, on my own. I'm fucking sane today. Calm.

Christ how needed.

I hope it lasts all day.

My head hurts a little but it doesn't matter.

This feeling is natural. Devine.

Did I say I'm EATING?!? :D First day I'm not scaring myself in ages. No tears.

Wow.

Quiet Brain

So I was gunna write another moody post to sort of secretly express my feelings (secrets are the best I can do these days, and holy shit my arm just popped outta socket...)

HOWEVER

I read SB's blog and found myself laughing, and shit to be if laughing isn't the best medicine.

I'm 3/4 of the way through 1.5 liters of white wine. I was serious about drinking tonight it seems. Not as drunk as I thought I'd be for the little amount I've been taking in lately. I'm watching movies I've already seen on HBO while reading simultaneously. And reading my friend's shit... And loving it.

I was reflecting today on my life. Everything. The collection of experiences I've been through.

I've been homeless, raped, pregnant, hungry, in a serious car accident, hit, talked down to, in the throws of a serious illness, fired wrongly, betrayed, lied to, cheated on, ignored, neglected, addicted, robbed...

All of this shit is negative. I don't know what life can throw at me other than like, beaten within an inch of my life. (Cross my fingers that never happens.) But at the same time... Is this the shit that makes life interesting? Is this the shit that people read about and find entertaining? Interesting? If I were following the rules I believe in (based on spirituality) Am I taking on lessons- more than one at a time? Maybe I'm really fucking misguided. I'm a bitch. I swear the magnetism inside me is false. A curse. Nice people are fucking weak. I'm weak. And for about ten minutes I was angry. I hardly recognized it. I'm working steps- I'm not even aware what I'm going through. I wish... I WISH sometimes I felt angry. Like, I just allowed it. I wish sometimes I could take it out on someone and let one person know how angry I could be, under the surface. But I can't, and I don't. Nay, couldn't. I'd feel too guilty. Guilt is worse than anger. It's something to consider anyway.

Maybe I should have drank more over the last few weeks because I'm finally craving food. Edamame sounds killer right now. Tangent.

Anyway I'm writing because everybody's asleep. I'm curious as usual. I think I'll make a spinach salad. Now that I've written and drinking maybe my brain will be quiet for a few moments. That is the reason I write generally. To quiet my brain. That's why it's rare I wrote while off in realtionship land. Because that was a good place to be.

So are my friend's blogs.