Friday, October 1, 2010

Quiet Brain

So I was gunna write another moody post to sort of secretly express my feelings (secrets are the best I can do these days, and holy shit my arm just popped outta socket...)

HOWEVER

I read SB's blog and found myself laughing, and shit to be if laughing isn't the best medicine.

I'm 3/4 of the way through 1.5 liters of white wine. I was serious about drinking tonight it seems. Not as drunk as I thought I'd be for the little amount I've been taking in lately. I'm watching movies I've already seen on HBO while reading simultaneously. And reading my friend's shit... And loving it.

I was reflecting today on my life. Everything. The collection of experiences I've been through.

I've been homeless, raped, pregnant, hungry, in a serious car accident, hit, talked down to, in the throws of a serious illness, fired wrongly, betrayed, lied to, cheated on, ignored, neglected, addicted, robbed...

All of this shit is negative. I don't know what life can throw at me other than like, beaten within an inch of my life. (Cross my fingers that never happens.) But at the same time... Is this the shit that makes life interesting? Is this the shit that people read about and find entertaining? Interesting? If I were following the rules I believe in (based on spirituality) Am I taking on lessons- more than one at a time? Maybe I'm really fucking misguided. I'm a bitch. I swear the magnetism inside me is false. A curse. Nice people are fucking weak. I'm weak. And for about ten minutes I was angry. I hardly recognized it. I'm working steps- I'm not even aware what I'm going through. I wish... I WISH sometimes I felt angry. Like, I just allowed it. I wish sometimes I could take it out on someone and let one person know how angry I could be, under the surface. But I can't, and I don't. Nay, couldn't. I'd feel too guilty. Guilt is worse than anger. It's something to consider anyway.

Maybe I should have drank more over the last few weeks because I'm finally craving food. Edamame sounds killer right now. Tangent.

Anyway I'm writing because everybody's asleep. I'm curious as usual. I think I'll make a spinach salad. Now that I've written and drinking maybe my brain will be quiet for a few moments. That is the reason I write generally. To quiet my brain. That's why it's rare I wrote while off in realtionship land. Because that was a good place to be.

So are my friend's blogs.

2 comments:

  1. I am so glad I made you laugh. Life is shitty and hard, so I try and give people something to laugh about.

    I'm glad your appetite is coming back. That's a good sign, buddy.

    Love you. Have a good weekend.

    SB

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love you. Thanks for your kindness AS ALWAYS!!! <3

    K

    ReplyDelete