Broken

"I wanted you to know- taht I love the way you laugh"

"I want to hold you high and steal your pain...away"

(Oh fuck, if only I could fix it all. Make your pain as if it never happened)

"I keep your photograph- and I know it serves me well"

(It' the only fucking proof we ever existed together. One picture. One moment.)

"I wanna hold you high and steal your pain"

(See above)

"Cuz I'm broken, when I'm lonesome.."

(Which was whenever I knew we'd be apart for awhile. Lonliness was always my biggest trigger.)

"And I don't feel right, when you're gone away"

(Self explanitory)

"You've gone away- you don't feel me- here- anymore.."

(And it breaks my fucking heart... Percocet help me faster...)



So Broken plays in my head, and I fully take the song to mean exactly what I want it to right now...

Did a medical intake today. Filled out forms. Did some tests. Trying to figure out what's best. I can't write of it now as I'm trying to wind down but it was eye opening to say the least.

I have a show Friday with FS and then depending on results, consults and the like, FS may be going on break again because I gotta get well. Or at least... You know, try...

Johnny doesn't want me at the show he has coming up on the 28th. Broke my heart again to hear him say that. I don't know when he has another planned, and wheather or not I'll be... good to go... I suppose it doesn't matter. I want to be there so badly but our glory days are over. I'd be a problem likely, even if I was a fly on the wall just to hear the music and leave. I just want SO MUCH to fill in as much as I can right now. To see him at his best. Wish him well. Mom says that makes me a sucker. Dad says that makes me weak. I tell them they have no right to tell me how to feel now and they back off. Now is a time to fill my life with experience, and happiness and love. And I had that with him.

He doesn't have all the details, and I'm sory to say neither do you. But I feel sick again and it's time to lay down.

I feel telling anyone everything would be manipulation in some way and so I lay silent. But here. Waiting. Watching. Hopeful.