Friday, October 8, 2010

Shit Talkers

Emotionally I'm back to shit today.

Johnny's illuding to one liners on messenger that make me miserable. We're still not speaking. It's eating me. I feel like he's mad at me, and I have no idea what exactly it is I did or am doing to piss him off.
FUCK!

He broke *my* fucking heart. He ended it with me. The stress of everything caused me to get really sick, and he has the thought in his head that I never loved him? Or... whatever it is he's thinking I don't know. I can tell you I have NEVER had to fight to fucking comfort myself like this. EVERYBODY knows how I felt for him. I did everything in my power to try and make him happy. To accuse or illude to to the falsivity of my feelings is like... quite possibly the most hurtful thing any single person could do on the planet. It cuts me inside like nothing has before. WHAT ELSE COULD I HAVE DONE FOR HIM? WHY WASN'T IT ENOUGH? WHY WASN'T I ENOUGH?

All I have is my compassion and love. And my time. I don't have anything else. To say I didnt give it, or if he's back to believing shit rumors is utterly wrong.
God people I'm so tired. I'm so tired of defending myself to a man that all I tried to do was show love. I NEVER did this with any of my exs. Ask any of them. There wasn't even a fight about my fidelity or activities or whatever. They knew because I showed them.

Which leads me to what happened on Tuesday. Tuesday was the Covenant show and that's a story for another blog. A damn good slash weird one... But I went with my friend Jay and after everything went down we walked the short distant to another bar for a final shot and some girl came up to me and said "I know you!" I looked at her and said "likely a show somewhere" she said yeah that sounded right. Then her face lit up and she said OH! You dated Chris' brother right? I said yes, but we had broken up recently. She pulled me in for a hug which sort of surprised me then asked if we could go talk. I agreed.
What she told me fucking ripped me in half. Apparently Chris never liked me. He had a lot of things to say about me, based on shit Amber had said apparently. I listened to absololutely horrible half truths and flat out lies and as the tears started to stream down my face she asked if she wanted me to stop. I told her no, I wanted the whole fucking truth. Every ugly thing. I couldn't believe the things she was saying. I'm not going to give her name, but she works with Chris. And she felt very certain that in some small way it had contributed to our reltionship ending. I agreed with her.

WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS SHIT? why did these people two-face me? lie? Why was I ALWAYS in a position on the defense? Why does he hurt me when I am nice to him? Why couldn't we talk about any of this? I fucking knew you can trust NOBODY. EVER. I feel so completely betrayed, and not by the usual suspects, but even by J for buying into the shit people who wanted him for themselves said. And then believing it... It snowballed. I sit here in fucking shock really. I just wanted something real. The obsticles I had to overcome because of the people in his life... I was set up to lose. I NEVER could have won. Let me repeat that: I was set up from day one to fail.
What else could I have done? What should I have been? All of my friends accepted Johnny. They knew he made me happy and that was good enough for them- and the one person who tried to sabotage it I dropped immediately because J was more important.
I'm a wreck for the first time in a week as I write this. I knew it was bad but not that bad. Maybe Johnny sabotaged it too. I think he was bored at the end. Obviously I knew the end was apon us, but it didn't make it easier.

I'm doing better in general though. Enough time is passing that I'm starting to have moments where I feel like my old self or I laugh. I feel guilty for a moment, but then I remind myself I'm allowed. I don't have to live as I have been forever.
God I miss him still though. No one can replace him. I don't want them to.
I'm sure he has Amber hanging around as a companion to help with his lonliness and soon I think it would be healthy if I found the same. I don't want to know if he's dating. It's too fucking soon for me. I have to be more well for the next one. (If there is a next one)And again, I don't want to get close to people if I know the time spent together may be short. So here I am.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I just needed to vent I guess. Thanks as always for listening. Doctor on the 12th to decide the next step in that department. I'm feeling more optomistic about it then I have been. Because, hey, what can I do but make the most of it. Mom's keeping me close, and Carrie's decided she's going to come to Seattle at the end of the month to spend time with me. (This is why I keep health shit to myself generally or only share it with the closest people. People change when they know something is up.)
The rain has stopped and the percocet is lovely, but it's making me tired. 2 hours sleep and stress is enough for now.

1 comment:

  1. Sorry to hear of your rough time, love.

    Things will get better as time passes. Hang in there.

    I think of you often.

    Love,

    SB

    ReplyDelete