Miss

It's 3:30 and I got skewampus on my sleep again, so I've just woken up. Which means I'm gunna medicate hard to sleep in a few hours before I have to go do the show again.

I'm so fucking tired. I'm just so emotionally and physically tired. I don't even want to do it right now. I'm tired of all the play acting I'm doing again lately. I tell my friends I'm fine. I make sure I'm shut up in my space when the dark times are hardest.

Oh, and I got a lecture from a doctor today which was fucking great. I felt even more depressed. Then I got pissed off. Then I thought about running my car off the road but then realized I've just discovered all this great music lately and I wouldn't get to ever hear it again, so I changed my mind. Which is funny if you think about it.

So instead I went to dinner with my Dad and we talked a lot. I went over all the medical intake stuff and told him he was my emergency contact, and that I'd been to the doctor that morning. I told him about the trip to Utah and we talked a lot about the stuff that happened over the years. He told me he missed me a lot and I saw tears in his eyes. Which made me get a little teary too. I rubbed his arm and told him it was all gunna be ok. This was just a difficult time, but things get better. Then I felt like a liar because I'm having a hard time believing it myself.

Then I went to practice and we went through the set. Then we started writing a new song. I've decided to write it about all the bullshit circumstance that circled the relationship and so far it's called "you made a villan out of me." There were lots of people that I believe it's in refrence to, so, whatever. We'll see if I finish it. I'm going into the studio next weekend to start recording my first solo song. I've written lots of little riffs lately some I remember, and some I don't.

I went on facebook tonight to let everyone know my phone is out of commission as well, and up popped a pic of Chris that was tagged while he was in Vegas for Kasey's birthday. Since I seem to be a massochist these days I clicked on the album and strolled through the pictures. All the faces of people I called friends. That I loved. That I miss too. It made me feel more lonely. I don't have a crew to get together with anymore. How do I make friends and yet not have anyone to talk to?

It's so fucked up!!! People want to help me, and be there for me. But I just can't let them in all the way. I know Sarah and Deb would. I know Jay is trying. Jason... I talk to Scott everyday now but we always end up talking about his ex girlfriend, which makes me tired too because I try really hard to just listen and be supportive and say comforting things, but he's in a similar place that I am I think, which is a selfish place to be and it's hard for me to give right now. And he can't give because he spends all of his energy worrying over his ex.
I don't get tied up in knots over Johnny as much as I used to. I still cry in the shower and get the urge to text him every ten minutes. Every time I see a panda I feel as if I've been punched in the gut.

When I was in Utah Lexi, my mom's cat, would follow me around and sleep with me and such and it made me miss Leis so much sometimes I couldn't breathe.

I promised myself when I got back I'd start actively trying to date as well. Because I'll never get over J until I get interested in someone else. But even that is exhausting. The thought of dating roulette again. Ugh. It's a hard line to walk in my brain too because if I get close to someone now anyway, it could be a short lived thing.

I just don't have the answers. And it seems a lack of will to find them.

I met this interesting guy when I went out by myself the other night named (ha) JohnJohn. He was passing through Seattle with his friends on this epic road trip and they were telling me about. They had started in North Carolina and they had been traveling for some weeks. They were leaving Seattle the next morning to head to the sequoias. I went to bed that night wishing I had the money to go with them. Those people are really living. Experiencing it. They were going to end in Santa Barbara on the beach drinking Mai Tais and figuring out their futures. It's safe to say I wanted to escape with them I think.

Anyway, seeing the pics of Chris brought up a lot of old feelings. And it made me really hope Johnny and I don't end up there. Though the distance keeps growing between us. I wonder if he misses me. Thinks about me anymore. I wonder if he gets lonely at night when we used to watch our shows together. I don't like to wonder wheather he's dating but sometimes my brain won't let me help but ask itself.

I should try and sleep even though I'm not really tired having only woken up an hour ago. I need to charge my phone in my car til I get a new charger I guess.

I wish all these fucking feelings would sort themselves out too, cuz I'm tired of feeling this way.

So I leave you with this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p62rfWxs6a8&ob=av3e

"Samson"

There are so many lyrics in here that sort of fit things. And emotions. If you listen to what she's saying underneith.