Monday, December 13, 2010

"One Step Tonight"

I finally realized you can't save me
I'm gunna have to save myself
And if it takes ten years of searching
I'm gunna finally figure all it out

Cuz there's just too much agony
That never rests or lets me be
There's open scars and tragedies
You'd see
But I'm not sure I'm ready...

If I could find the healing light
Inside my soul, not in your eyes
If I could find some kind of life
I think that I would be alright and
The journey starts with this one step-
one step-

I'm finally ready for some closure
Now that I'm really on my own
I think it took a broken heart to heal me
And a gypsie's life to finally find a home

Cuz there's a soul inside of me
That never rests or lets me be
But the years of wandering aimlessly
Should cease
And I'm ready to see

If I could find the healing light
Inside my soul, not in your eyes
If I could find some kind of life
I think that I would be alright
The journey starts with this one step-
one step-

Find, I'll find my wings
Even a caged bird can sing
The past, The past it stings
With memories
One Sparrow's plea
Open the door let me be
Open the door and set me free...


The lull in posts hasn't been a bad thing.

I've been keeping myself pretty busy lately. Not a night without some sort of thing to do. Work or otherwise. Shows, the usual karaoke.

Was in California for part of my silence. That was the worst vacation ever. Spent it with a very weepy mother. That's all I want to say on that front.

The thing I do want to talk about is how I landed a producer and now I'm going to make a solo album. I've spent a lot of this time writing new material of which is varied. Haunting Me and Romanticide will def be on the album, as will Running all songs I wrote previously. Couldn't Stay is on track too. I'm thinking about a different version of Lullaby and Nothing too. That's 6 right there. I want 12. One will be a cover, the lyrics I'll post next I think. As I'm mapping all this out I'm realizing what an undertaking it will be. I still want to get on paper one good song that expresses the Chris stuff. Romanticide is partly about him though.
The basics will all be done in a loft studio downtown and the complicated stuff (including having someone come in and layer drum kits with real drums) will be done at a different location. I want this album to really show off different sides to what I like musically. Not screaming over Flash Suppressor style.
It feels good to know someone genuinely likes and respects my music, and expects to make some money on it.
I'd love to have a collaborator on some of the newer 6 songs, but my favorite local lyricist happens to be my ex. I also want a guest track. It would be cool to get Jon to do it. I'd have to see if he'd even be willing, all past aside. None of the songs are about him. He'd probably expect an appearance fee. I dunno if he'd do it for a friend for free since he's a business man too. Just thoughts rolling around in my head on the drawing board.

Also on the drawing board is getting 3 or 4 songs down on an E.P and then taking the music to the U.K and chasing down the radio stations, media, and such for about 3 weeeks. It's easier to break into the UK market than it is in here in America. The rules there are different when it comes to press kits and getting heard. Anyway, the producer knows someone over there that could very well be an in which is also exciting. I realize of course, it will take more than 3 weeks to accomplish what I'm hoping but the 3 weeks would be to feel out the market and make a strategy. We're looking into leaving around Feb 4th for that.

Meanwhile, this means I have to lose weight because there will have to be photography in the future. It also may mean some physical therapy for the back shit so it gets stronger so it looks less like, well, my back.

I wrote 2 songs alone today and it's the first day I've ever written 2 songs in a day ever. One I will go ahead and post here, it's called "One Step Tonight" and the other I'll save to post when I'm ready is called "Stranger."
"My Sweetest Ache" is stuck in me somewhere, but I tapped into a short lived feeling for that. I don't want to fake the rest of where that came from so we'll see where it goes.

I just want this album to be about you know, the process of getting broken, falling in love, making decisions, finding yourself, and all of it from a real place. I don't want to compromise any lyric, any moment, any feeling.

I realize as with anything this could be a foray into failure, but I'll be damned if I don't try. And it's a huge undertaking. I also have to be proud of myself for putting myself out there and having someone say they want to take a chance on me. I realize what a big part of chance networking is, getting the right people out, knowing how to get them out. Selling yourself.

I'm growing everyday and surrrounding myself with people I truly care for. I think now is really the time to focus on music and myself and sort of let the relationship shit go to the wayside. I think back of dealing with all the drama of the last 2 relationships and it's exhausting.
Somehow hearing Chris got married after the initial shock and sudo anger wore off I realized he actually set me free. There are no more questions anymore. It explains every behavior, every false start attempt at friendship, and all the shit I was working out about what we were exactly after everything ended. I am literally free and clear and alone. And for the first time with him, that's ok.

J is a different story entirely. I'm working through all the feelings I have about what happened with us through writing, and of course, in therapy all though so far we've mostly talked about my mom big shocker. I don't have anger towards Johnny, or lingering questions about his behavior. I'm aware of what I feel for him and that's just wanting him to be happy. At this point my only question is if in fact he will ever speak to me again. And if he's doing all this silence for self preservation. I mean, initially that's why I needed it myself. But I'm not sitting around being weak about it anymore. I'm doing the work my therapist is telling me to do. I'm practicing confronting people when I feel like they've violated my boundaries by their behavior. Even if it takes awhile to do it, doing it at all is a step in the right direction.
Relearning a behavioral pattern is so hard. I hate confrontation still, but I finally realize a lot of the abandonment I have had has come from the fact that I've tried to avoid it and hell, if people are gunna leave anyway (and it's possible they still will) I may as well put up a fight for myself. At least then I can look back and say I did what I did for me.

With the album in the works I feel more worth while. I feel more confident. I am more forgiving of my sick days.

I still very much miss the feeling of sleeping next to someone. It's been great to meet new people, but it doesn't really get easier to sleep alone, though I've stopped couch surfing as much. Don't know if I mentioned staying on Camano for the Holiday, and that was actually super awesome. Dad and I got up early and had coffee and breakfast then chased down some trumpeter swans. They fly in from Russia and it's a rare sort of swan you only see here and in Russian apparently. It was actually pretty cool. Then Tami and I dragged him to see Burlesque, which I was surprised to find he liked.

The next night was one of the best shows I've ever seen as far as a local band goes, so I'm throwing a Christams party at their next show on the 19th @ The Sunset. Then Ashley and I are throwing a pre Xmas shindig in Utah when I go down. Mom really had to barter to get me down this year. After the last I wasn't inclined to go.

I got to meet James Apollo who is a musician I admire very much two weeks ago, so that was great. He said he'd keep in touch through facebook and I'm stoked to be in contact.

Also landed a job as an open mic host. Pretty damn cool. More freedom than karaoke hosting, though a totally different vibe. Plus the bar owner and I get on really well. I've got all sorts of ideas to try and help his bar bring in more revenue.

This is my little idiotic life. And I'm living it my way. That's all for now people. I'm fighting off a cold so that I can start in the studio this week. So I'm back to resting, if not sleeping. Then it's back to work on something.

Love sent into the universe.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


Hey peeps.

Much has happened in the way of life. Much in the way of good exciting news. Much in the way of sorrow.

Much much much.

I'll update you all as soon as I'm not drunk again.

But I'm not dead.

I'm just coming to terms to everything right now.

Just know I send my love out. I do

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

A letter to the misinformed

Dear Jae,

My therapist says I need to stop being such a doormat and finally express how I feel for once. She says if I express some of the repressed feelings I have then I will finally be able to heal, express them better in the future and quit constantly hurting myself in the name of other people. Or more to the point, the name of peace. The no confrontation zone.

I'm glad I can explore this first step in assertion with you. The same way you managed to express your first steps in home wrecking with me. Of course, to say that isn't really counting your first marriage...

I'd like to start off by saying mazeltov! I'm sure your marriage will be as happy and successful as was my engagement to your current husband. You remember that? The one you broke up? No matter. That was years ago. It means nothing now, no?

Because really, what can one be when someone who was their "friend" and their love get married? Hehe.
I believe the word is happy. God I'm so... Yeah...

I'm so what exactly? I'm not angry at you. You were there first technically weren't you? High school. I was some bitch he met at a bar. The life we had- the shit we went through- the person he had to be with me to get to you- that shit is over and in the past. Let's lay that to rest shall we? Let's focus on the life we had before you came into the picture.

So... We were finally happy. Ready to be married ourselves. Making the plans, sharing the secrets, spending our nights together, and his days off. I wrote music while he worked, and our life together seemed to mold so well. All of his friends seemed excited for us. Then he tells me his friend from high school is moving down too, and nudged me towards a camaraderie with you.

Remember? When we hung out? And you'd tell me stories and we'd laugh? And I accepted you as you were? Assuming you were no threat, as you stated you were none.

Oh don't worry, it's not as if I hold this against you. I mean, how could one resist wrecking a life? I was a sitting duck wasn't I? I was an easy target. Yep. I watched as you two spent time alone at the last party we had. I watched as he texted you more and more. I watched quietly. Because... Well really Jae, I have an issue being bitchy. I hate confrontation I especially hated it with him. Our fights were blow outs- like nothing I've known with any other guy.

You probably know how to navigate his temper better than I. Maybe that was your point that won you the spot I coveted for 3 years. Perhaps it was your smile or your winning personality. I'm not sure. He never talked about it with me.

All I know is when I left for Portland and came back, I knew for sure it was over. And I placed a bet with myself. And wouldn't you know it? I won! I bet myself within two weeks of making the bet he'd be with you. And Christ almighty! I was right! I won myself $20. I mean, that's fantastic! Isn't it?

You know, Bobby got married at the same time you did. Do you remember me talking about my ex Bobby at all? Well, as a refresher, he dumped me and got with this girl Layla. Wouldn't you know it? They got married. Approximately the same time you did. I'm like fucking good luck chuck now. I finally found my purpose in life it seems.

I'm glad about finally finding something I can do well. If Mason marries Rhiannon (and he likely will) then that completes the circle. I can quit singing "Lullaby." Hehe. Maybe he'll be sober by then...

I do have something to add though. When you came and took me aside last Christmas, and told me my spirit guide was likely your dead mother... Well dear, I wanted to tell you how cuckoo you were. I wanted to tell you BACK THE FUCK OFF Because... Forgive me, when somebody interprets how I feel about my spirituality wrong, I go a little nuts. There is NO WAY your dead mother is my Ethelia. Ethelia was and has been in my life for longer than you and your mother have experienced life. Ethelia saved me from an almost certain death from a surgery that was botched thanks to the doing of your husband. Oh, and for the record, he wasn't around for it.

But he's around for you isn't he? Treasure it dear sister. Because, seeing as how you've come to the conclusion your dead mother and my spirit guide are the same that would make us sisters.

But wait... As my sister... Would you have really come to do all you've done?

Now, I believe in fate. But in order for this to be true, wouldn't my sister have had to find a way to "steal" my fiance from me? Now, with a real sister- I know how I would act. And in accordance with my own morals, trying to seduce anyone she liked seems morally wrong. But it wasn't, was it? You were (and are) fine and dandy with it.

I'm sorry, but this doesn't match up with soulism at all, which makes you wrong. The fact you pretended to be an expert on my spirituality at a party I do have to say irked me a little. But all is forgiven.

My life goes on in a state I belong. I continue to wait patiently as people come and go. I know eventually Ethelia, and not your mother, will lead me to the place and space and time I belong. To those people which I belong. Not to a false man who left me for someone with weak moral standing and terrible timing. I wait patiently for the people to show me the way, I wait because I know they will come.

Until then, I can not wish you the best. But I will wish you swift karma, as that seems fair.

Congrats again,