A letter to the misinformed

Dear Jae,

My therapist says I need to stop being such a doormat and finally express how I feel for once. She says if I express some of the repressed feelings I have then I will finally be able to heal, express them better in the future and quit constantly hurting myself in the name of other people. Or more to the point, the name of peace. The no confrontation zone.

I'm glad I can explore this first step in assertion with you. The same way you managed to express your first steps in home wrecking with me. Of course, to say that isn't really counting your first marriage...

I'd like to start off by saying mazeltov! I'm sure your marriage will be as happy and successful as was my engagement to your current husband. You remember that? The one you broke up? No matter. That was years ago. It means nothing now, no?

Because really, what can one be when someone who was their "friend" and their love get married? Hehe.
I believe the word is happy. God I'm so... Yeah...

I'm so what exactly? I'm not angry at you. You were there first technically weren't you? High school. I was some bitch he met at a bar. The life we had- the shit we went through- the person he had to be with me to get to you- that shit is over and in the past. Let's lay that to rest shall we? Let's focus on the life we had before you came into the picture.

So... We were finally happy. Ready to be married ourselves. Making the plans, sharing the secrets, spending our nights together, and his days off. I wrote music while he worked, and our life together seemed to mold so well. All of his friends seemed excited for us. Then he tells me his friend from high school is moving down too, and nudged me towards a camaraderie with you.

Remember? When we hung out? And you'd tell me stories and we'd laugh? And I accepted you as you were? Assuming you were no threat, as you stated you were none.

Oh don't worry, it's not as if I hold this against you. I mean, how could one resist wrecking a life? I was a sitting duck wasn't I? I was an easy target. Yep. I watched as you two spent time alone at the last party we had. I watched as he texted you more and more. I watched quietly. Because... Well really Jae, I have an issue being bitchy. I hate confrontation I especially hated it with him. Our fights were blow outs- like nothing I've known with any other guy.

You probably know how to navigate his temper better than I. Maybe that was your point that won you the spot I coveted for 3 years. Perhaps it was your smile or your winning personality. I'm not sure. He never talked about it with me.

All I know is when I left for Portland and came back, I knew for sure it was over. And I placed a bet with myself. And wouldn't you know it? I won! I bet myself within two weeks of making the bet he'd be with you. And Christ almighty! I was right! I won myself $20. I mean, that's fantastic! Isn't it?

You know, Bobby got married at the same time you did. Do you remember me talking about my ex Bobby at all? Well, as a refresher, he dumped me and got with this girl Layla. Wouldn't you know it? They got married. Approximately the same time you did. I'm like fucking good luck chuck now. I finally found my purpose in life it seems.

I'm glad about finally finding something I can do well. If Mason marries Rhiannon (and he likely will) then that completes the circle. I can quit singing "Lullaby." Hehe. Maybe he'll be sober by then...

I do have something to add though. When you came and took me aside last Christmas, and told me my spirit guide was likely your dead mother... Well dear, I wanted to tell you how cuckoo you were. I wanted to tell you BACK THE FUCK OFF Because... Forgive me, when somebody interprets how I feel about my spirituality wrong, I go a little nuts. There is NO WAY your dead mother is my Ethelia. Ethelia was and has been in my life for longer than you and your mother have experienced life. Ethelia saved me from an almost certain death from a surgery that was botched thanks to the doing of your husband. Oh, and for the record, he wasn't around for it.

But he's around for you isn't he? Treasure it dear sister. Because, seeing as how you've come to the conclusion your dead mother and my spirit guide are the same that would make us sisters.

But wait... As my sister... Would you have really come to do all you've done?

Now, I believe in fate. But in order for this to be true, wouldn't my sister have had to find a way to "steal" my fiance from me? Now, with a real sister- I know how I would act. And in accordance with my own morals, trying to seduce anyone she liked seems morally wrong. But it wasn't, was it? You were (and are) fine and dandy with it.

I'm sorry, but this doesn't match up with soulism at all, which makes you wrong. The fact you pretended to be an expert on my spirituality at a party I do have to say irked me a little. But all is forgiven.

My life goes on in a state I belong. I continue to wait patiently as people come and go. I know eventually Ethelia, and not your mother, will lead me to the place and space and time I belong. To those people which I belong. Not to a false man who left me for someone with weak moral standing and terrible timing. I wait patiently for the people to show me the way, I wait because I know they will come.

Until then, I can not wish you the best. But I will wish you swift karma, as that seems fair.

Congrats again,

Kate.