Mad (at me)

So...

Here is where I wish the whole truth lay but I'm afraid I can't disclose everything.

I was in the hospital again Tuesday. I'm going back to SLC for the weekend on the 7th. I'm going to be out on Camano with my Dad as soon as it works out for awhile. Dad wants me near while I'm going through this. It'll be nice to be around him again.

I'm mad at my body. I'm mad at this depression stage in the middle of everything. I'm tired of crying. I miss myself. I fucking wish I knew how to fix what's going on.
I've been honest with my bassist Josh and asked him to keep it on the dl for now. Since it's going to affect the future of the band. I couldn't be more upset about that.

For now I'm shut up in my room, as I have been. If I get close to anyone at this point, I'll hurt them. I know my friends who are clued in even a little want to help me, but really there's nothing they can do. And of course there's always that deep seeded longing for... I don't know what he wants. I just ache and miss him every day. I hope he knows how much I care for him. Fuck, I say it all the time. That won't fade with time. He has so many people that care for him I wonder if he sees that as well. I'm a little jealous to be honest. It takes a lot to build a support system like that. Sometimes I think that he thinks love doesn't exist.
Hell I dunno... Maybe he's right. I know I feel it. Felt it. I know I've been broken in two by it. But I'm so easy to leave. Maybe that's because nobody can really feel it for me.
This isn't a "poor me" bit. This is genuine curiostiy. Maybe love only exists for some people. Maybe I had my shot and it's over and that's it.
I don't have enough walls built up. I'm sensitive to fucking everything. I'm tired. I wish I had the fuck you attitude I pretend to have sometimes when I'm drunk and fucking around. I like me better that way. But that's just me indulging in who I wish I was.

I'm exhausted. I need to take my pills and call my mother. My sister even spent some time texting me today. Strange times. When something ends it just means something else begins. But what if that beginning is the begining of an ending?

I'm returning to O Fins tomorrow I think. My memories there are happy. I spent a lot of time there in happier times. If I can feel that again for a few hours that'd be good.

Later. I wish I could limit myself to writing again only when I have something positive to say... But maybe tomorrow will provide that. If not we'll have to wait and see.