Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Off Planet

I'm back. For a sec.

I've been told to avoid any and all stress for the moment if at all possible. So I'm cooling my heels and taking it easy.

I've lost 13+ lbs in 2 weeks. I wish the circumstances were different, but the likelyhood this will continue is probable I'm told. (Not that I mind this particular aspect.)

I slept last night, straight through, no pills for 8 hours. It was the first time since I can remember. Before that though I was running on 2 hours a night.

I'm still having really intense nightmares. I'm not sure how to change that right now.

I'm wondering where to go now, and what to do from here. The future is wide open at this point. I tried too hard to push myself into new social situations though. Looking for work, not to mention other bands. My hormones were running amok since quitting the B.C. My blood pressure spiked. I broke. It was the perfect storm... So figuring out what my future holds and how to take care of myself so I don't make myself sick again is tricky. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm gunna do for an hour. That's how I have to do it right now. And eventually plan what I want for the time I have.

I've quit drinking as much. And by that I mean pretty much entirely. The last night I drank was 2 drinks.

I'm trying to slowly take the steps I need to get better and back to me. A different me. Better me. One that makes wiser decisions about friends. That doesn't do that pill thing around anyone else ever again. God I made some terrible mistakes with that. :(

I'm still not ready to be in the world again yet. I'm officially still OFF the face of the planet. I can't give anyone anything still. Yet.

I think about Johnny all the time. I hope all the time he's doing well and that he finds his way through this shit better than I am. I miss his friendship all the time too. I miss laughing everyday at least once. I'd settle for a laugh a week now... But these are dark definitive times. (Sanz Panda.)

Back to my plan. For the next hour I'm watching "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." Then... Then I think I may try and sleep again. Tomorrow will be a hard day.

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