It. Love you my dears

Hello my darlings.

Those of you who know how to find this blog, there are so few of you anyway, I'm sure it is safe to say what I have to say next.

I bought 2 bottles of wine last night. Drank one, and realized I wasn't quite drunk enough to go through with my plans so I took my 2 Xanies and slept today. I'm exhausted now too but I'm afraid I'll need at least 2 bottles tonight as well. I wish I had a drinking partner. It makes it easier. But then they'd try and talk me out of what needs to be done I think.

I'm not unhappy. I'm not suicidal per say. I'm tired my friends. So tired. My broken heart knows deep down, as it has know before it can never truly mend. I have learned I can not trust. My broken body aches like hell everyday.
My heart also knows deep down that friends care for me. That were my presence missing things would be different. Just as I miss Matt, Canyon. Michael, Orrin, Meggie, Adam, Christian... The list goes on.
I would hope to my truest friends would raise a toast to me, my life.
The things I tried to accomplish, the things I did manage.

Getting back home. Working on my band. Being the best friend I could. Being the best girlfriend I could because I have loved so deeply. Without hesitation. Without remorse. I hope Johnny knows that. I know that as time would go on the natural way of things I'd see him less, and as the last man I'll trust or love in such a way he has a part of my soul no other man can have. or touch. I'd sream his name. It doesnt fix this. Make him happy. Or me.

There is nothing I can do.

So since we started this I have had my planned two bottles of wine. We went to Mecca. Had a few. Made sure anytime any unpleasant emotions cam came up we drank. Came hom to by blessed Xanax, We'r up to 15 now. It's hard to type. I'm hope the calm comes.

I hope the people who would read this would understand this has nothing to do my sweet J who has been nothing but wonderful and tried to understand.

I LOVE YOU ALL. More than you knows dearies. Do muisc. Be happy. Try hard. I BELIEVE IN YOU