End in Tears

It's amazing. My favorite band comes to town, and I'd rather talk about how fucked up I am.

I was gunna go to Portland today to go after them, but... I woke up and I didn't have the heart. I went back to sleep. And I slept til it was dark. And now that my sleep is completely backwards I officially know my life is upsidedown.

I woke up and felt terrible about myself. I almost feel like I'm just indulging in this and if I were a stronger person I'd be better at this whole thing. I know deep down I'm not indulging. Deep down I should be understanding to myself and whisper to the scared little girl with the bottle in her hand that it's gunna be ok. But because I have a disorder that wants to destroy me the second anything unstable comes along- instead of whispering, it screams at me "do it! do it! Pull the fucking trigger!" And I wish I could tell that voice to go to hell like all normal people.

But this break up is different than the last. When Chris and I broke up I hung out with Ian, Carley, Dane and Laura almost everyday. I was hardly ever alone. They helped me stay busy and out of the broken mindset. It helped again, because they were a safe crowd. No drugs. Just drinks and karaoke. And I did my best to be a good person through it all. I tried calling Chris a few times. He never answered. I tried hard to keep distance because I knew that's what he wanted. (And what Jae Cee wanted.) But some nights I would text desperately. Hating myself for doing so.
The first time I saw him after the breakup was the last time I saw him before I moved here- to return his stuff. We talked for a few minutes. Then I said I had to go. And the next morning I kissed SLC goodbye.

I started dating pretty quickly when I got here. I had no friends, and no options being new. Simon was the first guy I kinda liked. But that quickly became dramatic and I realized was going nowhere. Then I met Frank, and again knew that was going nowhere. I think part of it was timing though. Because a year passed between my break up and meeting my Johnny. (Can I still call him mine?) I really wanted Johnny and I to be something special. He was special. I knew it the first time I laid eyes on him. It took time and patience, but he came around I guess you'd say. And I was thrilled. I remember the moment he asked me to be his girlfriend and how it felt and how surprised I was and incredible that moment was. I also knew in that moment it wouldn't be forever, and that I should treasure it and what we were then. It went by so fast. Just as I knew it would too.

I don't want to move on. I don't want to feel this horrible gasping pain in my brain and heart anymore. I don't want to meet someone new. I want Johnny. My heart aches. I want only him...

So The Dreaming were amazing on stage. Chris sang to me at one point. My ears are ringing. But then the new member asked me if I could get coke. I said yes, which my friend Chelsea overheard and decided to make a scene about my driving anywhere, even though at that point, I was fine. She completely embarassed me. Time ran on and they left for Burien, and I said I couldn't go to Burien for him. So again, my night was tainted. I guess I was hoping it would live up to the show at Studio Seven that was so fucking amazing... But I was let down. And then I walked back to my car alone. Alone alone alone fucking alone.
I walked right past where I would park for Johnny and I started to cry. AGAIN. I can't seem to stop. I texted him and then he said something about talking to the programmer or bar tender instead (implying he'd read the blog) which completely put a dagger through my heart. How he could have the audacity to say something so hurtful... Those people don't have names here. They aren't important. I met them after we broke up. Christ. They are nothing. Not even that. Trouble. Shit I should be avoiding.

I called him in a desperate attempt for clarity knowing damn well he would give me none. He wouldn't answer the phone. I was fucking hysterical in my car at that point. I have one feeling lately and the cause is because I no longer have him. And I'm a fucking mess trying to figure shit out. I don't want to sleep alone. But I don't want to sleep with anyone but him. I haven't even touched another man. I'm stopping the birth control because what's the fucking point?

I need someone to talk to. I need someone to really fucking listen. I need things I can't have at this point. I haven't even been drinking as much surprisingly. I thought I'd be drinking more. But it's so much work to leave my bedroom to go buy the wine which eventually makes me feel worse anyway. I want a shit load of xanax. I'm already almost out, but that is of course thanks to last sunday. Or whichever day my brilliant plan failed. (Again, vodka next time.)I've thought about calling the clinic and saying I'm an addict, but I'd have to practice my acting skills in order to get what I'm after.

I'm watching me do this to myself. I'm watching me pull away from the world. I'm watching as the hours tick by on sheets that need to be washed and I can't be bothered because the stairs are so far away and I'm too damn tired. All the time. Fuck this. What can I do to "kickstart my heart?"



This is what plays in my head. And all I hear is my ears ringing.

And I miss him.

And I'm stopping Hula nights. (I don't care much if I dissapoint anyone now. My usual friends that would go all are dating someone now anyway. I can't be around anyone else's happiness. It makes my misery worse. Sick I know.)

Nobody can ever hear me sing at Flash Suppressor shows because they play too loud. I'm tired of screaming. Nobody cares about the lyrics that are my soul because nobody hears them. If I can't be heard what's the point? I'm thinking of pulling that trigger too.

The truth at the end of the day is I don't know how to take care of myself. I was never held or coddled over. Nobody taught me to be gentle to me.

But I gaurantee you I tried to do something every single day to make Johnny happy. If it was letting him play his game, or trying to cook for him a couple times, or trying to make him laugh. I usually let him chose the bars and the places we'd go. I tried to show him affection and love, and never said a harsh insult during a fight. I think the one he took to heart was when I pointed out that he was "cold." But that was something I said to try to make a point about his behavior. I think it hurt him. I'm sorry if he did hurt.
All I wanted to do was love him, treat him well, and take care of him. I hope he knows that. Because I don't know if the other girls he was with ever did. It doesn't sound like it- I hope he finds exactly what he wants in the future in that sense. I hope he does better than his other exs. I love him. I want him to have everything he wants.

And now I'm tired big surprise. Depression is exhausting. I won't sleep. But I can't cry anymore right now.