Cancel?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrygCJi8xMI&feature=related

(Listen perhaps? As I relate? This is what I was feeling as I wrote.)

It's 9:40 as I write this blog. 9:40. The day has passed on.

Funny I should use that phrase.

I "prayed" for awhile today, if you can call it that. I closed my eyes and laid in bed numb and asked all the forces of the universe to let Johnny know I love him. Just to keep him from hurting as I was. To ask for strength for myself.

Because last night I sent him a text asking what was up. I'd left him completely alone the day before to see if he'd text. He didn't. When he hadn't texted back by 3am I asked him if I'd done something wrong. He said no he was drunk. Then I told him I thought he was getting drunk a lot and I was worried about him. Then he got angry. And I found out why he has been resenting me. He thinks I'm hanging out with a crowd of people I'm not really. He had heard rumors of stuff that he hadn't asked me about or confirmed. But held over my head. He told me he wanted nothing more from me.

I didn't think my heart could break anymore... How often is it I'm to be surprised by how much deeper this can get?

I called my mom hysterical at 3:30 am. I told her what was going on. (Well, I left out the part about the people being associated with coke- but that would scare her unnecessarily.) She listened sympathetically. It reminded me a lot of the conversation we'd had at 4am the day I found out for sure Chris was married. I was a wreck that day too.

What Mom told me broke my heart too; "every time you reach out to him he hurts you. Do you WANT to keep doing that to yourself? Why is it so important to keep in touch if all he can do is hurt you now?"

Then she used the phrase I knew she would "you need to pretend he's dead."

And told her I didn't think I could.

He promised me we'd be different, if we broke up. He PROMISED ME. I want his friendship. I don't know what he wants from me. All I feel now though is he just doesn't care. If he can turn his heart off so quick and for such foolish reasons then he never loved me. That's how it feels. And I'm sure I won't be hearing about his real feelings towards me anytime soon.

Why is he so mad at me? He crushed me! What the hell have I done to deserve any of this?

Perhaps there is nothing as my friends say. And he's creating a world where it's easier to feel angry about you.

My world withers, and dies away. Not because I'm doing drugs. Fuck that world. I die because I feel as if there's nothing left inside. I don't watch our old programs. I don't do anything that contstitutues as "Johnny and Kate."

That world I guess is a bridge that should wither and burn just as my soul is.


It's 2:47 am now and everyone I know told me I should go out. That it would make me feel better, so I did.

I fucking drank shots since the first time I was 23. Fuck those people who thought being at a bar would make me feel better.

The bar felt familiar. Like home. Fuck home right now. Am I supposed to feel gracious there was a spot that Johnny and I went together?

Am I supposed to rejoice in the fact no matter what I do he doesn't want anything to do with me?

Yup. And all I feel are the holes in my heart.

I'm calling my mom again even though it's too late

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrygCJi8xMI&feature=related


There's what this blog feels to me...

I love him. I miss him.

Maybe he's keeping his distance because he must. Maybe he's keeping it because he wants it. Maybe...

Maybe it just is what it is.

I know at the Hula I cried more than laughed.

My life now is some exotic life of trying to ignore or calm the pain.

How to end this one...

I love my Johnny. I miss him every waking moment. And I'm tired of waking and crying. For him. I miss our friendship.

He's allowed to feel. Whatever.


I feel like the song I posted.


My life is over. Not physically: But my soul can't do music anymore.

We may be cancelling our show. I'll let you know...

Peace