Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Predicting 'haunting me'

So the inevitable has happened and Johnny and I have decided to be on a break since Sunday. Sunday I gathered my things locked myself in my room and cried for hours.

This entry is going to be decidedly negative. I've lost my happiness. My zest for life, and the oxytocin in my brain that has kept me level and happy with my baby, my love.

Things had gotten increasingly hard the last little while with him. I reached a point about 2 weeks ago where I realized nothing I did, or any of my actions or ideas I could explian so he could understand. I knew after the fight on the 14th that with the words he said I could never go back. We could never back. The things he said echoed in my head breaking me. Aching. He called me names, he yelled, it was the worst fight we'd ever had in my opinion. I woke up the next morning feeling evil. Like I had hurt him, victimized him, and even though deep down I can't believe that; I couldn't shake the feeling. All, all, all, I did was love him.

Then the last 2 days I have retreated back into my illness. I realize with no stabilizing force, and no therapy I can not control the urge to self destruct. I don't really wanna talk about that aspect right now, though I will likely.

What I want to say is how I forgotten how abnadoned I'd feel. Helpless. How the crying fits will break you apart and render you functionless. I lay in my bed now. Numb.

I diliberately cut myself. And it wasn't the fake kind I've done when drunk that never works, that hasn't broken my sobrity in my opinion. This was full on rage on my arm. My body wracking with sobs I did the only thing I knew would calm me. I ripped me to shreds. 4 deep cuts. Im surprised that I feel no guilt about it. It's probably the first pain for pleasure satisfaction I have felt in many, many years.

I want to talk about my dear sweet Johnny. The man I couldn't cheat on ever. He does not understand that even now, I can not give my body to another man. It really goes back to being raped, and I'm sorry that's even a case. But I trust him, he's the only man I can say that about. He hasn't betrayed me. He has been there.

But dear god I ache for him to touch me some times. Just to show me some tenderness. I suppose I'm asking a lot of him to ask him to help rewrite what I know of the world: That ultimately men are tender when they want something, and cruel once they've had it. Do men ever really love women?

Fuck, he has all the power too in this. I'm waiting like a god damn horse in a stable anxiosuly awaiting the next time I'll see him, like a race. I can't move until he says so, and apparently I fucked up AGAIN without knowing I was making a mistake.

In the midst of my depression I decided to make another ok cupid profile just to see if anyone would even be interested in me. Weight gained, year older. People wrote and it validated my self esteem but Johnny found it before we had time to talk about it. I disabled the account as I had no plan to talk to anyone, or use it for anything. I'm too depressed for sex. I don't want anyone but my panda. I don't even wanna masterbate. So not me.

I had this dream last night where I was dying, I'd been shot. My sister was there, and she grabbed my hand and she was crying. I whispered to her "it's your job to let Johnny know he has my heart, I know I won't see him again. Please do this for me." And she agreed. And I could like feel like draining out of me as I woke up. I layed in bed til 6pm. In and out of consciousness. I didn't care. Tomorrow I pray, pray the doctor gives me the good drugs. The ones that magically make me feel better, until I can write out this letter I'm planning to give him with everything I want to say.

I'M SO SORRY BABY. How did we get here? Why couldn't we talk more when we had it?

He doesn't trust me now because of the letter Frank gave Johnny. That changed everything too I guess. I fight that damn bullshit everyday. I haven't even hung with my guyfriends much. I have been there whenever, and wherever for him and if he has said "dont do that I dont appreciate it" or ANYTHING I change it. I want him to be as happy as possible. As comfortable as possible. I have to fucking earn his trust everyday and it's rediculous. Does he just not understand the depths of my feelings and how that translates into a no cheating scenario ever?

I need to go to bed but my head is haunted. Fuck me for writing those lyrics.

"and if you go
you'd take all I have
you have all the best of me
and if you go
you won't really leave
you'd always be haunting me"

Here's to you. Haunting my head. My dreams. Just as I predicted. You are my goodness. I need you. This is torture. Fucking torture.

6 comments:

  1. You will make it through. It will not be easy, but hang in there.

    You are loved. If you need me, you have my e-mail address. I wish we lived close so I could take you out for some drinks. Damn geography.

    SB

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  2. SB-

    Sorry I've been so absent as of late, my whole life depends on my addiction to love it seems. Ugh. I used to write so much, and then I silenced myself. Like, eveything I felt. I used to check my blog friends daily I don't know... I'm going to be more in touch and likely through email.

    Thank you for your love, faith, trust throught everything S. You have meant SO MUCH to me. Don't doubt you are ever loved in this world. You always are.

    K

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  3. Thanks so much. Love returned. I feared that your silence on the blog might mean trouble in the relationship. I hoped not though.

    Just try and stay busy and things may turn around with a little time. I hope they do, because I want you to be happy.

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  4. I want to be happy too...

    How? Lol

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  5. Lovely Lady, my heart goes out to you. It sucks getting your heart stomped on. I am thinking of you a lot, and I hope you find your happiness and continue to live your truth forever and always.

    -Sydney

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  6. Sydney-

    You rock. :) Thanks for listening. I think of you a lot too. Hope you're doing well.

    K

    ReplyDelete