Currently

I guess technically speaking I provoked a fight out of J today. I have been making a conscious effort to spend less time with him this week. I've spent time with Debbie, went to see an apartment, went to practice, spent time at bars, went to dinner, went to the store... I've just found other shit to do in our time together. I've been trying since it's so important to him. As per the last blow out we had, I said I would. I try hard to keep my promises.
I wasn't trying to fight with him- I simply tried to approach him by asking him if that was what he wanted. If lessening our time together was better for what he needed. He said yes. He also said he can't miss someone he knows he'll see on a regular basis. I told him I would try and change that too, as soon as I had a different place.
This discussion lead me to tell him how hard this thing has been on me. There is SO MUCH for me to handle in this relationship. So many fucking lines to walk.
And I keep trying to be cool. Not to care, or let anyone onto how much I care about what's going on. The little bits of it seep through into this blog. So I pull away, I guess.

And as I pull away, I put my guard up. It's off and on right now. I'm learning how to be selectively close. I can't just put everything out there all the time or I'm likely to get burned again. I'm already over the flame anyway. I suppose taking time away from the flame in essence isn't a bad thing.

I sent an email to my ex a few nights ago. I got a response tonight. Basically he says he has no reason to keep in touch with me, that all we do is hurt each other. It hurt to read it, but I can't help but think he has a point. He sent me some really terrible lyrics to tell me it. By terrible I mean, mean. Chris was never good at cushioning a fall.

I'm supposed to do sushi with a friend tomorrow. It'll make the day go by faster. Johnny and I are supposed to do a date on Tuesday and I'm really excited about it. Dinner at least. I like it when we do that sort of stuff. It makes me feel closer to him, and special.

I'm not tired yet. I wish I was. It's 3am. I was only asleep for about 8 hours so I don't know why I'm not. The true trick of insomnia. I can hear Nick snoring away in the room next to me too, and I know Missy is asleep cuz she was in here complaining when the folks woke her up when they got home. This is why I'm really hoping everything works out and I get out of here July first as planned.

Exploring the city tonight was nice. The weather is getting warmer. I wandered down post alley and into a theater. Managed to time it so I arrived just as a cast party was starting. Spoke to some of the actors. Met the current owner and got a tour of the place. Even got to see the parts they say are haunted. Maybe I'll look into performing there. It's an improv theater. I love and miss improv. I think it would be fun. It's something to consider anyway. Let's keep our options open.

I keep striking the wrong keys when I type. My muscles get this strange striking motions in my hands. It only happens at night, and usually only when I'm typing. It's like they are mad at me for trying to focus the energy they have on typing and react or something. It's happened 5 times this paragraph alone. It's driving me crazy. Some nights my hands just shake for no reason. It's stuff to tell the special st at the end of the month I guess. I remember when the insomnia started at 17. I remember when the pain started at 23. I remember the first blood abnormalities at 25, and now at 26 I'm experiencing things in my hands. The things I need for music. I'm hoping this is a slow progression or a really fast one. Whatever is going on.

Meanwhile Flash is working on learning new material of mine. They want to rework the set list for the shows after summer. I'm cool with this- but I'm going to be busy writing tunes. I just want to get a chance to see Portland again soon. I'm not sure what's going on with the tour right now. Oliver (the bassist)has said some things that lead me to believe it will get post postponed again, or maybe even cancelled. Sigh. We'll see.

Ok, I'm gunna watch the movie and figure out what to put down my throat to sleep tonight. I actually slept 3 nights this week without pills. I was amazed. I'll never sleep here without anything, without my Johnny.

Here's hoping all my blogland peeps sleep well too.