Monday, January 18, 2010

Catch Up (Long Blog) *SLC*


Boy this could end up being a long one so bare with me. Thanks again for following me over.

I'm with Johnny still. We've had problems and I've waffled back and forth on being with him which culminated on ending our relationship one morning. The reasons going into it were many, well mainly two. One- Amber had started what felt like a full on attack over twitter and facebook undermining our relationship. Saying he was blind to the real truth, that I was blocking everybody's happiness including mine, that "my love alone was not enough" and then proceeded to use my nickname Kitty.
I was fed up at that point.
Why should I stay with a guy I was spending all my money on in gas to say who didn't care really whether I was there or not? Who was letting this attack go on and said nothing? I simply felt unappreciated and pressure from all angles and was ready to call it quits. I was crying myself to sleep over everything practically every night.
The second reason simply being I felt he didn't care.

Then I got pregnant.

Yup. Again. Sigh. One night yet again I can trace back to drunken stupidity. I knew the day after I missed the period. I called Johnny and told him and his one word reaction was "fuck."
I tried hard to deal with it and be strong and all that. I really tried to make it as easy on Johnny as possible. I kept the mood swings in check mostly and this time I stuck to the daily regiment of herbal solutions that supposedly would cause a natural miscarriage. On Halloween after rolling all night I was the first trace of blood and was ecstatic. I couldn't believe it was working.
Meanwhile I wanted to stay with Johnny. I wanted to work really hard on saving the relationship. I wanted so desperately for him to love me, but I continued to feel like I was the place holder in his life.

We were running out of time on the full on miscarriage so, begrudgingly I called one of the clinics in Seattle and made an appointment. I wrote appointment, but I wanted to type execution date. Johnny was the man he needed to be. He went with me, stood by me, and let me stay with him the night after it happened. (Side note: They told me I likely would have miscarried but you're sort of on a time crunch on those things...)

The procedure took longer than normal because I had a full on ptsd episode while waiting after the exam. I shook, I cried, I looked nobody in the eye. They insisted on giving me Xanax ( A real Xanie, not an alprazolam) to calm me. They took me back to the room and took my blood pressure. All my stats were through the roof. They told me they'd give me twenty minutes to let all the drugs kick in. When they came back they had to give me a second dose because I was still shaking and crying.
An hour later they gave me the real drugs and suddenly I was on cloud nine. The procedure hurt like hell even through the drugs. But after wards I was joking around with the staff and back to my usual self. Seeing Johnny in the room after lifted my heart.
In that moment he helped heal so much more than he knew, and knows to this day. He helped heal the abandonment Chris did to me. The rape lessened it's hold on me just a little bit, and I realized what I'd known all along. Johnny was a wonderful man. We got food right after and he laid with me while I went to sleep. He held me and I'm crying again as I write this because I don't know if he realizes how much it meant. How special it was that he was there to comfort me and protect me after. The first man in my life to ever make me feel that way other than my father. Johnny was my hero that day. November 20th.
The next day I came home though, and things sort of went back to how they were between us. The pain was manageable for awhile, but soon I called the clinic for some Vicodin and used it completely on script, but ended up sort of enjoying it about twice.

Frank and I were spending practically everyday together and I was sort of looking to him for comfort and support even though he hadn't a clue as to what was going on really. I started to feel closer to him than we had before and he began talk of a relationship. I considered it carefully. He was always saying he wanted me around, and we'd end up doing things I enjoyed and really a part of it started to make sense. I wondered if we'd be as destructive as I initially thought? I didn't want to leave Johnny, I loved him, but I was sick of Amber's bullshit. Someone who had made me a "friend" and then started attacking me in every manipulative and covert way she could via public forum. I yes, ended up crying over the hurtful things she would say. Why was my "friend" writing such things about my boyfriend? Me? My relationship? I began to resent it, and her, and then Johnny for not saying shit about it.

Everything after the day I got pregnant in October became a mini shit storm for me. Everything that had made such sense- school, music, my relationship, my friendships- they were all up in the air again. It wasn't just hormones, though BELIEVE ME those played a huge part.

Halloween when J and I rolled together, was so perfect. He said every single thing I longed for him to say. He promised me we'd get through everything. He swore he loved me. I wanted to take that night- that moment- and bottle it like lightning bugs and save them for the darkest nights. I still think of it often. That night was the one bright spot in everything that was happening.

I finally decided I needed time away. Time to be round my family who cared and time to be away from Johnny and our situation. Time to figure out whether I could really make the transition from J to Frank, which, I can see would seem a natural transition to some readers. But I wasn't ready to let go entirely. So I told Johnny, Frank and all my SLC friends that I was leaving for two weeks of trouble making.

While in Slc Frank began to call all the time. He was constantly throwing in opinions about who I should hang out with and when. What was appropriate and what wasn't. I began to feel suffocated and my wings were being bent on the home front. Like I said before, I don't do well with people telling me what to do. He was over stepping his bounds and after day two we fought constantly while I was there. Every damn day about some guy friend I was seeing. Meanwhile I felt Johnny was kind of keeping his distance. I began to feel more fragmented in my two closest relationships and sought solace in my friends Ian, Wayne, and even Chris.

It was the first time I'd seen Chris in a year. He had definitely aged. It was a happy reunion as I was glad to talk with someone who still to this day knows me better than anyone. We caught up on old times, talked about his girl Jae, and Johnny and Frank. We talked about our separate lives and his desire to escape to Seattle. While I was there he still managed to stand me up three times in true Chris fashion. I would like to clarify that not even a conversation really brushed anything inappropriate between us. We shared music, new passions, work stories, but nothing that any party in our lives would have had to worry about. I've tried very hard to be respectful of what Chris and Jae have going on. I did tell him I missed him, and I do, I miss my friend. But I don't miss the lover, or the way he made me felt.

As the trip drew to a close I decided to try and text Johnny about what I was feeling and how much I knew he'd seen Amber while I was gone. It was practically everyday.
Look, I don't mind that he wants to have her in his life, that's fine. But you can't make me feel equal to her when you *chose* me. If you want to be with her, be with her. I leave town for a few weeks and she's taken over the girlfriend role. I wasn't pleased and feeling completely unimportant and hurt. Devastated and angry more like. So I sort of picked the fight which I knew would either end us, or at least very aggressively tell him I wasn't just going to put up with it any longer. Not how it was. I loved him. I wanted him to fight for me. I wanted to fight for us.
The fight resolved little but I tried to end it on a better note simply saying I wanted to be with him more and my crime was caring for him. The three day a week set in stone thing sucked and I wanted a normal, spontaneous, relationship where we would grow closer. Enough time had passed. I wanted a boyfriend, not somebody I was just seeing on a regular basis.

With all the animosity, I had a short temper while I was there. I wasn't easy to around, I'll admit. I knew things needed to change, and change now.

Wayne and I had our usual amazing sushi and drinking day and laughed a lot and played board games and drank captain and coke. It was one of the better days I was there, and it was my last day. I absolutely wish sometimes my stars had been different and he had been the one, but tragedy has always been written in my stars and sadly, Wayne is not. So I am content to be one of his best friends, as he is mine and thank god he is in my life.

I flew back to Seattle early the next morning unsure of how my fate would play out again in my beautiful city, but I was ready to tackle it and knew there were some big things on the horizon.

This is where I leave you for tonight. I will continue on in catch up 2.

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