I'm a waste. A failure. A problem.
And I write it here first, from the depths. Hah.
I haven't felt this terrible in ages. Eons. I have done what I swore I wouldn't do, but here I am, confessing this sin.
I have cut myself. Intentionally. With purpose. With despair. My "sobriety" date begins again. Can I say it was a good run? I think not.
Johnny had a show tonight. I think it was hormones more than anything, damn birth control. He didn't really touch me. I could have left, it wouldn't matter. I just wanted him to show *some* interest in me. But...
So I cried the whole way home, and thought of nothing but blood. My blood. To pay for my stupidity.
This means I'm still sick... More than I thought. God I had really thought I was doing better.
5 perfect cuts. Now to be 5 perfect scars. Dear God I hate myself for this slip. It runied EVERYTHING.I wish there was someway to fix this.
I suppose some Valentine's shit played into this. Like, why can't I find a guy who cares enough to make an effort? Just A LITTLE? I'm not asking for anything really, just someone who wants to do something nice for me.
I have to get my self esteem rebuilt *AGAIN* before that can happen, and I've smashed it to bits now.
Ahh well. Tomorrow I move. Tomorrow maybe a better day.
Happy Valentines.
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Valentine's Day sucks. So much pressure.
ReplyDeleteI love you. You'll do better. It was just a slip up. Don't beat yourself to death over it. Okay?
We all make mistakes, you obviously know you have made one. It's hard not to revert back to old bad behaviours when things get rough. I am planning on tattooing my poor forearm so I will be deterred from cutting ever again. I had gone quite a few years without it and at 31, I felt like a complete idiot after it happened again last summer. My brain just stopped working and went mad. First thing I did was grab the scisssors and go to town.
ReplyDeleteI felt ashamed of what I did and scared the crap out of my (now) husband. He was upset but he still loves me and married me, so I stopped dwelling on it.
The good thing is, you realised your slip and want to change that.