Girl Anger

I had a really amazing weekend, and I can't wait to tell all about the show, the date and the party, but right now I need to vent and this is likely the only place I can.

I feel absolutely lost sometimes, in this moment, because I've finally realized you can't trust anyone. Ever. After the whole Frank thing I will never get that close to someone again. I won't tell my life story, of my illness, I won't discuss serious matters or ask for advice from anyone I don't know already and trust a little, and those people are few and far between.

But the reason I feel the need to vent, the trigger for this whole thing was something Amber said. Now, she's said it before and I understand she's allowed to say what she feels, but she said she loved Johnny. Ok, fine. But then she posts pics of him tagged to facebook, and says he loves her back and I suddenly am irritated because she's putting a strong emotion, for another woman I've felt threatened by, into MY boyfriend's mouth.

Then I see JaeCee is writing stuff about Chris and about how wonderful he is to her and blah blah blah, and I just got into this head space where I want to just scream for a second.
I haven't felt this sort of irritation slash anger since before December, I'm wondering whjy it's coming back up now.

But these are just two examples of women who given the chance, would cut me down to be with the man that I have. Both of whom I had extended some of myself to. WITH NO INTENT OF GETTING ANYTHING RETURNED. And instead, I was hurt by both of them, and continue to be hurt by one. I don't understand why exactly, or what I've done to deserve it, but honestly I need to say something, set boundaries, stick to my guns, and stop giving a shit about what people think about me. Any of them. The friends that circle, the people that aren't even involved. I don't care about what Amber thinks or JaeCee for that matter, but I do care about hurting them, God knows why. Does this make me a bigger person? Or a complete fucking pussy?

Do people just exist to hurt each other? Why is it EVERYONE I get close to, hurts me? Am I perpetuating a childhood cycle?

On the flip side, I absolutely adore Lauren and Greta. I like being around them, I love the friendships I'm developing with them, but they are going slowly. Planned to be that way. It's easier on me, because both of them have boyfriends. Which means, hopefully, they'll stick to that and not cross lines, unlike the single women I have met.
I guess to admit I am most vulnerable when it comes to love, is to state the obvious. When someone is able to fuck with that, it hurts me more than any single act.

There is nothing in the world that feels the same as walking down the streets you know, in the light, with a complete fucking broken heart. It feels utterly wrong. I have done more than my share of it, I think.

But I have never "stolen" another girl's boyfriend, nor have I tried. I would never end something for someone I cared for.
I just want to protect my own heart, my own interests, and my own sanity.
I wish other people would protect it too.