Entry Two (Pity?)

I'm taking a momentary lapse in my happiness to write because of something that happened tonight.

I went to my car to go to the grocery store. I couldn't drag myself away from my warm bed, dvds and video games today to do it. I am so fucking lazy when it comes to grocery buying. So midnight I walked to my car to find ANOTHER DAMN TICKET on it. See, I live in a part of town where you have to have a zoning permit to park on the street and I don't have one. There are only 4 left in my area; You have to have the car registered to you; to your current address. The car is registered to my Dad, at our old addy in Everett. I also don't plan on staying here forever, and it's a bit of money for a temporary thing. Sigh. So, on this magical ticket in the notes section written in caps it says IMPOUND.

If they impound my car I will shit bricks. Yes, I have gotten well over 20 tickets in the last year. Mostly because there is no good parking out near Johnny's and that used to be Russian Roulette. (It's fairly safe now there.) Now here, it's the same fucking deal. So I called my Dad asking him what to do, because if the car gets impounded it's going to affect me, but also him and that makes me feel.like.shit. I don't want to disappoint him, have him be mad at me. He's the only fucking man I've ever been able to count on through everything. Anyway I cried to him apologizing for being such a fuck up. He said not to worry about the car, we will handle it when it happens. But... he takes care so much of my grandmother, I would like to finally be a bit more independent from him. Not to mention when this conversation happened, it started to rear up old childhood shit.

I'm a fuck up because I do things the way I do. And I do things the way I do because of how I was raised. And I was raised by a controlling and abusive woman. I can't be fucking angry at anyone ever because it brings up such crap for me. If you want a stretch here- I want to be loved right now, because of the love and affection I was never allowed to have as a kid. I reach to Johnny sometimes, just because he will *let me* touch him. How fucked up is that? So because of that, because I can touch him and he fills in some holes that I have in me, I did whatever I had to to get it. Aka park where I could to see him, which resulted in a few too many tickets which, btw, most are paid off! Not only that but I began to wonder... Have I ever actually mourned my childhood? My innocence? How so much of my life was robbed from me by different events? I don't talk about any of the traumas that have happened in real life because nobody wants to hear about that! They want to be around someone funny, and nice. Not someone depressed. Or someone who needs to hash out old wounds. But... I still do in many ways. I can't get better until I deal with some of the shit- but that will never be because my mom will never admit any of the terrible things happened. So, my dad pays the price, as do I.

It makes me want to cry when he says he's sorry he stood by and watched her do those things to me, and he didn't intervene. It hurts me he feels bad about it, because I gladly took the abuse so he didn't have it. And unfortunately that happened all the time. Does that make me a victim or a martyr I wonder? I can't express what I'm feeling now as I write this. Cold, alone, wrecked, and fucking messy. Dad should be proud of himself for being able to break the pattern, and get us both here, and healthier. I'm still happy here, and happy with so many aspects of my life- I guess what I'm feeling now is a reflection of my past life. It's always waiting to pounce on nights like these when something sets me off, and suddenly I'm taking a Xanax to slake off the weight of the world that was. (I may have to take a second.)

I look at my poor ten year old self and want to just yank her aside and say "someday you'll remember what you're going through, and you'll never have to fall into what your parents do and dont want you to do. The glasses and bionator will pass. You'll start to feel sexy one day. You will find love, even though it feels you're unlovable now. Someday- Someone will hug you. And they'll mean it. Not as a forced act to someone who thinks that it fixes all the pain they just did to you. Someday you'll achieve some of your dreams."
Then yank away the twelve year old and say- this will define sex for you, forever. You just need to know he gets caught, and they send him to jail. This will make you afraid of the law forever though. So be more careful."
I'd comfort myself on the weekends I had to leave Josh again, for weeks at a time and tell myself "this isn't the last good guy you'll know- and you may end the relationship because you want different things and it'll hurt like hell, but it'll pass and you'll meet one of your soul mates." Then I would tell myself to avoid Area and that soul mate all together haha.
Then I'd tell myself that you were going to meet one of the most handsome men you've ever seen. And he's everything you want on paper. And he's gunna ask you to be his girlfriend. And you're gunna be really happy. Even when you're away from him, because even thinking about him makes you giddy. He's gunna hold your hand through something that is gunna hurt like hell both emotionally and physically. And at the end of the day you'll have your own secret language and way of life.
I'd warn her about the anger issues, and the drugs, but tell her to embrace new experience. That it's ok to be sad about what happened, cuz that's part of the process.

So tonight, in closing, I'm trying to be ok with everything that's happened, and I'm telling myself it's ok to feel what I need to feel about everything that's happened. It's a work in progress, but at least I've stopped crying now and can likely sleep. I'm gunna take one more Xanie to be sure.

I love so many aspects of my life now. I'm sad I had to go through such shit to be here- but I'm glad I'm here.