Commitment :) (Happiness)

I was watching my Big Fat Greek wedding this morning to pass the time because I hadn't seen it in awhile and it made me think a few things.

First of all, of course, my mind drifted to marriage. What it means, why people want it, and my own take on the whole business.

When I started making noises about it to Chris, it was in a joking manner to test the waters, see where he stood, whether he'd ever get married again, and if he'd ever considered me. For a year we'd joke about it. Then one day we weren't really joking anymore.
As a kid, I never thought about it. Never planned for it. Never had those girlie fantasies or anything. My sister would talk about it, and having kids. I was much more focused on having a music career. Truly, when I thought about what I wanted for my future I saw a stage. Lights.
Course, I did start off being pretty boy crazy fairly young. It always saddened me they were never that crazy about me. But that never translated into getting married. Just the cool butterfly feeling I'd get about a new guy every couple weeks.

Then Josh came into my life and I started visualizing living together with him, out on his family's land when I graduated high school. It seemed distant, like, it was never really going to happen but at the same time it made me happy to think about. Then we matured differently and so the idea ended, more quickly than it had begun. Then that sort of commitment never even entered my mind again until Chris.
Chris was a completely separate case though. It was love from day one and I told everyone I thought he was going to change my life. And he did- but not for the better.
The first time I really thought about marriage was when he woke me up that afternoon with the ring. When we began to talk about it, I realized I was scared of the idea of a "wedding." Being the center of attention for some ritual was not something I desired. Shit, I didn't want to have to plan a bunch of shit. I didn't want to make that kind of a private promise in front of my friends and family. That was something I just wanted to do for him and I. It was too easy to fuck up, on either side. So to make a big deal out of something that so easily could end seemed silly.
Chris listened patiently as I told him some of these things, and was surprisingly enthusiastic when I said "can we please just do Vegas?" So we started talking about that.
But... the thing was it was never meant to be in my mind... Strange, I know, but again though it made me happy to think about it, it never really seemed like it would happen. I just sort of felt like I was going through my little girl marriage phase way late in the game.
It sucked to have it taken away the way it happened but I really believe everything worked out for the best.
Had Chris not cheated I may very well have ended up marrying him and while that's all fine and good my dreams were meant to bloom here.
My dreams of the stage and to be back in Seattle... Of travel and meeting new people... Roll parties and owning another dog... Here is where I must be.

And because Chris and I ended things I got to be with Johnny, and while I'm a mess sometimes wondering what he really thinks about me there's been a calm and happy in my heart the last near week. Since the shit went down with the email, we've really spoken, and he's texted, and he's spoken to me the way I always hoped he would. Maybe the messy thoughts will come back, but I haven't questioned a thing since Thursday, and I have been so content! I have been anxious about our show, and it all balances out because the next second I think about J and I just get this feeling that washes over me. It's overwhelming, and I know it's this sort of unconditional love I have for him.
We've had more than our share of drama thus far... But we've also had some really amazing times. Wonderful dates. And hell, we finally even have a song! (Albeit a corny one, but it has a good story and I wouldn't change it for the world. :)
Not only that but I haven't worried about him physically cheating on me ever... That is a feeling I haven't felt since Josh. It's amazing to be able to place that sort of trust in someone. Johnny gives all men a good name in that sense.
Johnny and I have private jokes and that's something else I never really had with Chris. It's nice. God, besides Johnny is just fucking funny. Being around him you can't help but laugh. Even when I relay what he's said in some cases other people laugh! (Which means he isn't one of those "you had to be there" sort of people.)

Ok, ok, I didn't mean to just start going off on a tangent about Johnny again. This post had a point. Basically the idea of marriage scares the shit out of me- but being committed to one person is exactly what I want.
"Lovin... Is what I got... I said remember that..."

So really I'm happy. Life is going great right now. I'm working and playing hard. It's so nice not to be in that icky depression pit like I was for a couple weeks there. Such a fucking rut.

OOO! I also got a few new items for Friday and Saturday this weekend I'm stoked for. :) Gloves, stockings, a new dress, and a black shirt... :)