Audition +

Tonight I'm not sleeping. I'm out of pills. I'm with Johnny, he's sleeping away. I have to be up for rehearsal in a few hours, and I'm stressed because the lyrics aren't quite done for the new song yet, and I haven't had a chance to read the lyrics to the cover we're doing. I'm upset because I've turned down yet another show. I'm also worried about the audition I'm doing tomorrow evening for Candy. (It's another cover band but it's a paying gig in Vegas for the month of August.) Getting that audition would mean a lot of work. I'm daunted by it, but I didn't want to be so afraid of anything, so I called and made the audition anyway. I want to live while I have it.

I'm feeling more sick this week again. Not as much pain though, just more sick. It's probably related to the stress of helping my dad move, and now the music stuff. I want Flash Suppressor to just fucking work. I don't want to have to commit myself to a second band. I love it, don't get me wrong, but it's like taking on a second job. And I'm kind of afraid this could be the last year I could do anything like this. I'm concerned about how my body is gunna handle it now. My back aches, my skin burns, my stomach does something new and weird every day. I should've made the break from Utah sooner. I would've started my life here sooner, and been more on the correct path. There are other projects in the works if this one doesn't and I'd much rather do original music, but I also love Vegas. I need money. The time away and travel are things that would be good. Being away from Johnny would suck, but one our best days was the day I came back from Utah this last time. If it means I have him like that again, maybe even that would be worth it. (I just liked that day.)

I wish I had someone to talk to about what's really going on in my head these days, but I've pulled back from all intimate subjects with everyone. I don't trust anyone anymore. Not about what hurts my heart, or heals my soul. Fluff talk is fine. But I guess, in truth, the bother is nobody asks anyway even if I did have a change of heart. My Dad and I talk everyday and he asks me in a sincere voice how I feel that day, and I'll reply with whatever is easiest. That's as far as it goes.

I guess one of the other things that's always kind of bothered me is I've never felt like "home" any particular place. Seattle is home, don't get me wrong, but there isn't a place I return to and feel "at home." I felt that about the house I grew up in, til without telling me, my sister moved into my old room one weekend soon after I was sent to live with Dad here. She painted the walls lavender, and I had no say in the matter. I also had no say when my mom gave the dodge neon to my sister. It was new, and I was tarnsferred into my Dad's old Volvo, which, had always made me car sick ironically. My room was gone, and my shit was split between an upstairs room, and a downstairs room. I was sleeping on a futon in Seattle. I was dying inside to find something stable. But what I found was nothing, and no one to cling to until I met Bevin. That was an incredible turbulent time in my life.
I tell myself now that I like not staying in one place for too long. That it allows me to see more of an area. But lately I'm wondering if that attitude doesn't deep down perpetuate more of the old problems. If I want to feel secure somewhere, why do I sabotage it? And sabotage everything else for that matter.

Anyway, it's probably good that I'm protecting myself right now. I don't want to get close to people that will leave anyway. I'm tired of the abandonment. People don't say goodbye when they go. They just sort of dissappear.

In other news, Candace and I met through Levi Weaver's website and made fast friends. She lives in Utah oddly so it was easy because I still go there on occasion. Anyway, we met up for the first time last night. She brought along her husband and I brought along J and it was so much fun! We went to the Nightlite and got really shit faced. It was bad. I didn't have to drive though so I was pretty stoked. I dig her very much. She's sick too, so it was nice to have someone to relate to on that. It's kind of a downer so we didn't do much but brush on the subject. Seems she's feeling better these days though, which is great. Also told lots of Levi stories.

Ok, I'm gunna lay down and wish really hard I could sleep. Tomorrow is shaping up to be busy it seems. Hope I don't get lost.