Longish, but resolve

I feel like a weight has been lifted, thank God. I was majorly upset today over what had conspired over the last 2 days. I went out to Mukilteo beach to think, and had a long conversation with my Dad. We talked a lot about my mom. We talked a little about my sis. I mentioned the fight with J, but really we just try and work out the wounds mom has left on us. We commiserate about it. We're very much alike. There has been a lot of family drama this last week too, which I don't want to type about at this moment, but I'm sure it will come out.

Anyway, I came home in the afternoon to a blessedly quiet house and laid around til I got hungry. I made myself a salad and a little pasta, and felt good about the veggie first bit. Then I got a call from Sev. Sev is the writer and front man of a band called Peratus. I met him last summer at a show that Johnny played at the High Dive, when he played with them. I'd never forgotten them because I kind of liked what they did. I hoped maybe someday I could book a show with them, when I had the vision for Flash Suppressor, before my band ever existed. Turns out we booked a show with his side project.
The show last Friday I feel was amazing. It was our first show I felt really solid about. Where we really hit our groove as a band on stage. The song I wrote about Johnny came together, my energy was up, and it just was like yeah baby. So after the show I got way more attention from people than at the other shows, which is validating. People were nodding and throwing up the metal sign. One of those people to seek me out was Sev, offering me a position in Peratus.
I never really think when something ends, it's so something better can happen, even though I've found that is often the case. I was disappointed when Lefthead didn't pan out. I was too irritated with Candy and they're bullshit to really pursue it (though Vegas would have been a good gig) and with Shanta Louise I was questioning my position in the band, and how hard they were going to pursue a career. (It wasn't really the kind of shit I wanted to do anyway. It was sorta Sarah McLaughlin-y and I want to stay in rock.)So when this came through I accepted.
So I found out today that my first gig with the band would likely be on June 5th opening for, get this, Powerman 5000.
I don't know how many of you know Powerman 5000 but they had a hit in the 90s called "When World's Collide" I really liked. I worked security for one of their shows in Portland when they played with Staind and Mudvayne. Their frontman Spider is Rob Zombie's brother.
I think that is so fucking dope, I can't even tell you. I didn't even have to audition or go through the normal channels. He just offered it to me. So I'm going to Everett on Wednesday to go play music with them. Sev reminds me a lot of Jon Crosby, and I told him that when I saw him again.

Through the phone call I was stoked, but went back to being lethargic after. I wanted to tell Johnny first, and Johnny and I hadn't really spoken all day. I texted him though, and after work begged him to call and talk to me. So we did. And he had beef to pick with me about falling asleep at Frank's on New Years. I guess even though it was in the blog, he'd read over it, and I hadn't brought it up specifically so he felt like it was an omission. Valid. I told him so. It was a mistake. I shouldn't have. It's not something I'm proud of, or would do again. I guess it made him wonder what else I was leaving out, so I wracked my brain for a few minutes trying to think of anything, but there isn't. I want to be 100% honest with him. I feel like we started over after all of that came down. I assured him I loved him. I always had. When I asked him if he loved me he hesitated before saying yes. It threw me for a minute, but I was so thankful we were talking I tried to get over it. We had an hour long phone conversation and spoke like adults. I apologized for my unusual bout of anger during the fight. I am INCREDIBLY hormonal right now. Not to be too graphic but I shouldn't be bleeding at all right now, but I am. And it's a lot. My mood switches about three times a day. I'm not my usual mellow self. Stuff that wouldn't normally bug me totally is right now. I feel bad about it, but I absolutely can't help it. Not to mention today on the pain scale was another 9. 2 codeine and a lidocaine patch later I'm still achey. I actually felt ANTI SOCIAL yesterday. That is way not like me.
Anyway, I also told Johnny about my thoughts on how we communicate love differently and hopefully that makes sense. We think completely differently. (Which is weird, because Chris and I think very similarly.) It takes getting used to. I suppose it's why they say lust is easy, love is hard.
Johnny also told me tonight that because I didn't sleep with him on the first date, he thought I didn't like him. I had no idea about that one. I find that kind of cute, because if I didn't like him then I would've slept with him on the first date. Then I'd just assume he'd assume I'm easy and never call again. I wanted him to call, so I didn't play the slut card. I waited til we were together to show him how freaky I could be. ;) I TOTALLY wanted to. But I wanted to see where it went more. I'm glad I did.
Anyway, long story short, we talked, and even though it was tough and there were tears, I was relieved. Really glad we were talking again. So then I told him about the Peratus thing, and he told me he has a show the day I do this weekend so he's not coming again. Sigh. Oh well. At least I'm with a musician who gets the lifestyle. Besides, if he comes out to the first Peratus gig that would be fun I think. And he's assured me he's coming to the May first show. That's the one I'm excited for next, because I'm hoping all my Seattle friends come to it. That's what they've said anyway.

Some days, especially after hard days, I put on the same two dvds. I never get tired of them. I don't like movies as much as I am endlessly obsessed with music, so the fact I have two favs surprises me. They are the Shawshank Redemption, and Girl, Interrupted. There is something comforting about Morgan Freeman and Winona Ryder. I don't get it. But I've moved onto "Working Girl" now. My sisters collection of dvds is much more vast than mine, but all of hers are chick flicks. Mine are mostly well written action/thrillers with the exception of this movie and Cassanova. (Though I think I like Cassanova for the same reason I love Pirates. The lead character rocks. The acting and the charisma just take you there. If it weren't Heath Ledger being so damn on the mark, the movie wouldn't appeal to me as much.)

This is a long winded entry again. I guess that means alot happened today, though it doesn't feel like it. Oh and ps, my roomate Ben wins the king douche award. He's still blasting music away and it's 3am. I'm gunna have to move again. I love Johnny. I'm glad we can work the shit out. I'm beat. Peace homies.