Missing Lover

I guess my brain will sabotage my body any chance it gets. I've been asleep for only 2 hours, then up again after a long night. My friend Maria took my friend Chelsea and I out to dinner yesterday. Sushi, my absolute favorite. We had 2 40 dollar bottles of wine, and lots of fish. It was really nice of her. Then, at the bar, a shot or two. Course, I payed her back by buying shots as well and dancing but the evening overall was grand. Johnny opted out of coming that time.
My friend Summer went and managed to get kicked out, though I'm not sure exactly how. I met two lovely girls who were hanging with an Irish and a Welsh bloke. They invited me to their car to smoke weed. Summer went and had some, I went and smoked a clove. It was the first cigarette I'd had in a long while. I justified it by saying there was no nicotine in it. I don't like weed myself. I did when I was a teen, but it just makes me stupid now, and I hate that aspect of it. It's easy to turn down. Drinks, cigs, coke, and E, not so much though lately I've been practicing turning down all of them.

I miss E, like I miss an old friend. It romanced me. Seduced me. The love and happiness you feel... People always ask me if I can find these things in real life. Of course I can, but my best memories are on the drug. I love relating to the men in my life on it, sexual or not. Usually not. I want to be touched, and feel that tingling sensation. That slow breath you take in as you finally explain yourself and your feelings, and people finally hear what you're saying properly. I LONG for that kind of communication again. That is something I never feel in real life I suppose. Understood. Perhaps I never will.
I can tell because as I write this, I tear up.
I've had opportunities since Halloween when I did it last, with Johnny. The night I really believed him when he said we'd be ok. The night he told me he loved me, and I believed his words. The night 3 weeks before the abortion. God how I needed it then. Then I started spotting and I thought, my god. Miraculous. And it was sort of magical in a way. I took it as a sign. He says he won't do it anymore because the depression the next day is terrible. I get that depressed one day out of every month anyway. I just tell myself it'll end the next day. I gotta pull through. I never felt it after rolling though. However, I know people who do and swear 5HTP is a great saver. I have some. I suppose I'm just waiting.
Anyway, since I've always turned it down because Johnny doesn't want to. I don't much fancy the idea of getting that close to anyone but my boyfriend, and since he wants to stop drugs altogether I haven't in close to six months. It makes him unhappy, the thought of me rolling with another man, and I completely understand why. I wouldn't want Johnny getting that close to another girl either. But my friend Cor has asked a few times. And I miss doing it with him. We have never gotten physical on it, or anything. The few times we've done it together, it's been with other people. I know he misses it too, and that's why he's asking. I miss my lover. I wonder if she'll forgive my lengthy absence?
I wonder if anyone else in the world is as misunderstood as me?

Anyway, "God" intervened with my smoking the clove yesterday, because as I took it back from Chelsea my fingers slipped and I burned the shit out of them. I take it as a sign I'm not supposed to be smoking at all anymore. They really hurt. Not to mention I have practice tonight I have to be on my game for. My hangover needs to be gone by then. Heh.
Speaking of that, I found out we're going on tour. I couldn't be more stoked than I am. The whole month of August. I realize it's all casual for everyone else because they've all been on tour before and such, but I never have. I never thought it would be this soon. I never really thought I would get to there I guess. I always assumed it would be a fantasy, especially after seeing Flash Suppressor, and predicting the future of my band after show number one. But Peratus has their shit together. Thank fucking God. I'm referred to again as a little sister, and I've been included in all of my big "brothers" activities. The drummer Hugh is amazing. I've never played with such good musicians. The songs are fairly simple, but likable. I met the manager for the band on Sunday and he's a really nice guy. In it for the band because he likes the sound. So, on the musical front, things are progressing nicely.
I have one Xanie left and I'm considering taking it... I need more though, and my rx has run out. It did awhile ago. I've been saving them for a rainy day. Maybe today is that day.
Chelsea crashed here last night, and is sleeping away now. I'm jealous, as I usually get when watching people sleep. I wish I could shut my eyes for 12 hours and wake up refreshed. Instead of after 3 pills and 6 hours. I'm out of pills now anyway, and last night I used my last Benadryl. I must have passed out around 6am though, cuz I woke up with no covers and on my back. Way not how I sleep. I was actually disturbed to wake up like that. I sleep on my side in a ball. Anything else feels unnatural.

I miss J now. It's our karaoke night tonight though, so I suppose I'll see him then. I'm sure I'll feel better by tonight. In the ways of the Lupus, I've been taking the pain pills, and some days after I've taken it two days in a row I get itchy. No other problems though. I'm sick of feeling sick though. I took a codeine last night after burning my fingers so I could sleep. And, like I said, I got 2 hours. Maybe I should be thankful. I'm yawning though, and taking that to be a sign I should try for sleep again, so I shall.