Monday, April 19, 2010

His irritation

I'm writing you again. Hello! I however, am writing another not so happy entry because there's lots in my head, and I have to put it somewhere or I'll never sleep again.

Johnny and I had another major fight yesterday. It wasn't meant to be, for the record. Amber popped up on IM (again) and I casually said "Do you talk to her everyday?" Johnny threw the strainer into the pot of pasta he was making and said "Are we really going to do this again right now?"
In my mind a simple 'yes' would have suited and we would have moved on, as it was just a question. Obviously with Johnny mad at me, I decided since he was mad at me already I'd start in on some of the other shit I've been wondering lately.
I feel threatened by Amber. She has tried in covert and often unprovable ways to sabotage what we have. Johnny knows this. He acknowledges some of the shit Amber has said was not cool. But it always, ALWAYS takes a fight for something to get done with him. It's like poking a dragon. So my question on that front is simply: Is this the relationship we are going to have forever? Is Amber going to IM him everyday? Am I CONSTANTLY going to feel icky about the fact he lied to me about making out with her? And how damn hurt I was to have to have heard it from Amber and not Johnny? What did he want back then?
If they had not had the relationship they had I wouldn't feel this way. If Johnny had been honest with me, I wouldn't feel this way.
I am not a damn jealous person. I am not fucking unreasonable. I don't have problems with his other chick friends, because they don't fuck with us. She used to rub his back in public and he wouldn't stop her. Anyway, all of this garbage leads me to this thought:
He will never put her in her place. That being said Johnny never wants to get married and I'm ok with that. But I do want to live together someday. The parking tickets are out of hand over there. I'm there five days a week anyway, but I'm thinking of changing that too. I can't keep doing this the way it is. Something has to change.
After all we went through with the Frank stuff, we were finally communicating better. He was finally opening up a bit more and I thought 'this is the best thing in the world. He's finally making some emotional intimacy' but somewhere along the way he stopped talking again. So I sit on the couch while he plays star trek, hoping he'll come over and sit down and have a conversation with me. Not one of our jokes, but real true life conversations that make you close to someone. It never happens.

Yesterday I asked him to come back to bed with me for 5 minutes because when he gets up he goes to the computer and then goes to work, and I don't see him for two days. I have no real interaction with him. So he lays down, but he makes an irritated groaning noise. He's officially irritated with me wanting to be around him. Why? The only thing I can figure is I'm keeping him from his games. This is the relationship we should've had from the beginning because now I'm seeing how it really is. This is what everyday life would be like for us. He also got irritated the day before when I asked him to come sit on the couch and watch tv with me. My wanting his attention is apparently annoying. And the fact that we can't talk about us, and where we're going without fighting obviously says a lot.
He says I'm impossible to please. He also said I don't appreciate him which set me off, because I tell him EVERY SINGLE DAY how much I love and appreciate him. How lucky I am to have him in my life.

Also during the fight he said the words "I don't want to see you everyday" and "I want to be alone" and "I don't want to live with you." He shouted, so he must have meant them. I wonder if he could hear my heart breaking...

I was not by any means during this fight, saying we should move in together now. I was asking (trying anyway) to see if that was something that was going to happen for us. If he'd thought about it. The answer is of course not.

I wish wish wish from the bottom of my heart he could just say "baby, I know you want to know what I'm thinking in reference to us and ..." and just say it. Or be logical when I want to talk about things, instead of getting angry. I also assume he feels like I'm attacking him. I assure you, I'm not.

The only thing it takes to make me happy is a little attention. Talk to me for five minutes, and be affectionate. That's it. I don't care about diamonds. I don't insist you go out with me or anything. Just sit, rub my leg, and talk to me for a minute. Sometime I want to talk about us. Sometimes I want to talk about his work. Sometimes I want to talk about our friends, and sometimes I want to talk about working out our issues.

Baby, if you do end up reading this, I am not attacking you. I am venting my frustration in my head about what happened yesterday, and trying to figure out what to do. I really love you. And what happened yesterday really hurt me. I don't want you to be irritated at spending time with me. I want you to look forward to it. And I want to be able to talk about us without fighting.

K I'm gunna pass out now. I'll be by blogs later today. Love to you all.

3 comments:

  1. Whoa.

    Most important thing here:


    What do YOU want? Do you want to get married, live together etc?

    Also, to clarify: Did J make out with Amber before or after you were in the picture?

    Maybe you have your answer, I mean maybe he doesn't want committment period. Maybe thats why Amber hangs on like she does. Maybe you need to be the stronger person and admit that its what YOU need, and go out and find that. If not, then you may have to live with having separate lives and very little commitment (and possibly grey area monogamy as well)

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  2. Oh..reading this brought me back to a relationship I had that did not work out. I was too concerned with what HE wanted that I forgot that I deserved what *I* wanted too. Eventually I smartened up and ditched the guy, only to have him come back years later and tell me that he was in the wrong and didn't realise what he had in the first place. I am sorry you are going through a rough time hun and I hope things get sorted out soon. :/
    xoxo

    Personally, I would not put up with that from anyone, not even a friend to be honest.

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