Monday, April 26, 2010

Curious?

I'm writing this entry for the curious. This is my side of the story alone. I am not shit talking here. Just explaining how I feel about it, and the events according to what happened to me.

So I guess I'm going to explain what's happened and how I feel about Amber.

I met Amber the day I met Johnny. She was sitting next to him while they were waiting for him to go onstage. I was so enamored with Johnny and busy writing the article that I didn't really pay much attention to Amber. The second show though I remembered her face and made a decided point to be nice to her, and ask her about her band Varnish. (I'd forgotten Johnny also played in that band.) Her vibe was standoffish and cold. She treated me in a way I would never treat a stranger trying to be nice, especially someone I knew was going to be in my best friend's life, no matter for how long. (I.E if Wayne brought out a girl I'd treat her the way I treat everyone else, and try to make her feel welcome.)I let it go, because I could see from the way she looked at Johnny, and from the way she treated me she had feelings for him.

Now, I know not everyone is gunna like me. Sometimes I don't like me. I can be flaky, I'm loud when I'm with my girlfriends, and when I'm getting introduced to a group of strangers I get nervous and talk too much. *shrugs* Everybody has their things. But when I'm out and meeting new people I do my damndest to make everyone feel included, treat them with respect, and relate to them somehow. Even if I'm just the one starting the idea of a party or something, I feel like I'm the hostess and act accordingly, albeit usually I turn into the drunkest hostess with the mostess. Whatev. Heh.

Anyway I sort of automatically felt off about it because of the way she had acted. "I'm off to a bad start here." I told myself. At the time we hadn't even kissed or anything. Just been to his shows, and chatted after. But soon after our relationship had evolved into a physical one, and I was trying to get him to open up while revealing parts about myself. Meanwhile, Johnny is keeping to himself how often he sees Amber. I was very in the dark for the first few months about the real nature of their relationship. When I came to understand I felt... sad. Even though I believed Johnny would never cheat on me physically, he was definitely carrying on a relationship with another woman. That's more for later though.
One day while in Utah on my first trip back since we'd been dating I got a message on facebook from Amber. It said something to the affect of "I had a notion I should tell you I don't hate you because the universe told me to." I sat at the desk in Utah. My heart raced at these words. It would not be the last time my heart would race at the thought of Amber. In fact, from then on my heart would jump in anxiety and curiosity. I sat trying to figure out exactly why she had sent it or what it meant. I finally decided to respond, in kind, with kindness. I returned the same sentiment, because I had never had any negativity towards her, other than feeling hurt she had acted the way she had on that second meeting.

We sent 90 emails back and forth for those few days I was gone. She confessed to her feelings and asked me if I loved J. I responded with "I don't know." What I did know was I wanted to see if that was where it was headed. Johnny had said before that Amber knew him better than anyone. I figured maybe I could ask her things and find out more about him, though I never asked anything too personal. At this point, Johnny and I were seeing each other about twice a week. A lot of time was spent at his apartment just kicking back and watching tv. He had told me a couple times if I wanted to spend the night I could. I declined because that falls into relationship territory for me. Also trusting someone with my sleep problems. At the time I was on Ambien and that shit makes you crazy. I didn't want J to see that. So he'd go to bed and I'd leave. Anyway, somehow Amber and I decided it would be fun to hang out. My motivations were pure I assure you. I wanted everyone in Johnny's life to get along. I wanted to make his life easy. I wanted to be cool with Amber, and I figured knowing both would sort of protect myself against getting hurt. I swore she couldn't hurt me if she knew me.

We talked about music, and our fav comedian. We spoke of goals we had and all sorts of things, but mostly the conversations revolved around Johnny. Whenever Amber would bring him up she'd begin to cry. Every time. I began to feel incredibly guilty. Amber would present me with all the evidence as to why they were meant to be, and how I was merely getting in the way of a great love story. He would text her when Amber and I were together. She'd leave me hanging out to go be with him. She was leaving me to be with him a lot more than I was. Disheartened, and even though I knew Amber had her own agenda because of what she wanted, I began to believe her. She had the evidence. The proof. The seeds of doubt and insecurity about my relationship began there. Once you had the key to the equation, you could unlock anything Amber was saying. All of her ambiguity. Everything in her life revolved around one thing, and one thing only: my boyfriend. Trouble was I had started loving him too. Even through the jokes they'd run off to Vegas and be married. Through her continued "clarity" that they were supposed to be together. Through the guilt and unhappiness I would feel anytime Amber and I hung out. Even one night in a drunken cry fit I apologized to her for fucking with her life.
Then I did something stupid.

Amber asked if I would come help her take photos. I said sure, why not. I enjoy photography and I wanted to be helpful. Even though I was having complicated feelings about the situation, I truly believed it would all work out. Naive, I know. Anyway, turns out the photos were a bit on the naughty side. Tastefully done though. But she wanted them to show off her hair which she was going to cut the next day. During the shoot Johnny texted me (which was a first when Amber and I were hanging out; He had always texted her first) and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was with Amber. Then Amber and I decided to invite him over too. So we went and picked him up. He'd already been drinking and I had a bottle of wine at her place, so we continued. Somehow I ended up taking pictures of a shirtless both Johnny and Amber. In my mind I figured she'd always have that as he moved into me, as I was trying to push forward with us. Sort of as a gesture to say you'll always have the fantasy I suppose. I realize it's twisted. I don't know why I allowed it. But I did. In the name of camaraderie and good faith. That night would sort of symbol the beginning of the end for me I suppose.

Looking back, had it been me in Amber's position that never would have happened. I could never do that with someone else's boyfriend. I have to keep referencing Wayne in my mind here to parallel. It's the only way I can compare. If Wayne got a girlfriend would I do what Amber had done? Hell no. I'd fucking support him, even though five years ago it would have hurt like hell. But loving and losing is a part of life. He gets to make his own decisions and I, as his best friend, get to support him and for the record, I very rarely give people advice or tell them what to do. Which is why people to come to me to listen. I love Wayne too much to fuck with the happiness he was creating for himself. The fact Amber could try and manipulate me, and sabotage my relationship so she could have J for herself is the kind of thing you read about, but don't believe can happen. It's completely selfish. And it affected two of her supposed "friends." I began to see the cracks. I wanted her friendship, as I'd never really had a close girlfriend for very long except for Bev. But I had placed that bet hastily and foolishly. Maybe Amber was genuine too. Maybe she wanted to be my friend... But maybe she just wanted me in her life to keep tabs on how and what Johnny and I were doing. She said snarky things just often enough to keep me on my toes.

Meanwhile she went behind Johnny's back and friended his parents and brother on facebook. In her mind, I think, securing a place in this future. As if to say "I'm not going anywhere." She and Johnny's brother became close over time. She's told me she's spoken to his parents as well. I am amazed at this. Even as his girlfriend, that is something again, I would never do. When I told my Dad what she'd done he described the behavior as a serious problem with boundaries, and something a completely misguided person would do. All the while, she's played it off in Johnny's social circle as a sides thing. Mine or hers. What began as everyone on her side, and my feeling very on the outside, the truth began to leak out in conversations. Johnny's friends started to come around to me. Realizing, I wasn't the one causing the drama that was happening. I was trying to make peace with everything.
I felt so many emotions. Mostly pain in relation to her. She had used the word friend. And I knew I would never treat any friend as she had me. My trust issues took root a bit deeper. I knew I would never again trust another female that close to any guy I was dating. It always ended badly. And always as they were playing at being my "friend."

I had started nagging Johnny long ago to make me the number one woman in his life. He was still seeing us both equally at this point. I never asked him to not see her. I knew my life would be easier if he didn't, but I don't give people ultimatums. Besides, at that point I knew I'd lose.
His friends would ask me why I "put up with all of it?" (More than one, on more than one occasion.) The only answer I had was that I loved him. And I didn't know. Perhaps I was just weak.
My Dad came home to find me on the floor one day after reading something she'd posted that had cut me to the quick. It was a culmination of everything that was going on and I broke. I cried to him about the agony I was feeling at the situation. Dad looked at me and very plainly said "why are you doing this to yourself?" Because... I had no reasons anymore. So I spoke to Johnny about it, and we got into a fight over it, and her. Not for the first time, and certainly not for the last. But I pulled away from Amber at that point. It was more than my soul could handle.

I watched as they'd write on messenger to each other, while I watched tv in the background. Wondering what they were saying. I knew I would never see a Post Ado show in my life, just me, without her being there. I knew he would never give her up completely. I knew everyone else in the group was on my side, and trying to tell me even though it was fucked up, it would have to change someday. So I waited on that day. And watched as my boyfriend carried on an emotional connection with someone that wasn't me. And had manipulated and hurt me. And refused to validate me, or change anything about it. Dad said there were no consequences for his actions, so he had no incentive to change. I didn't want incentives. I just wanted his love. I wanted him to want to change because the situation hurt. But it didn't. We'd go to bars, and people would ask where Amber was. As if we were supposed to all be a happy trio for life. Every time someone would say that it would cut me.
And finally, in November, that fight at 6am the day after the dream, I broke. And told him I wouldn't make him choose, that I forfeited. He responded with "get the fuck out." So I did.

Do I believe that Amber is a bad person? No. I think she did some shitty things to me, and I think she did some really shitty things to Johnny as his 'bff' (her words, not mine.) I think I was so desperate to have girlfriends I was willing to accept anyone offering their hand. I was trying to conquer my own demons, and make things ok for Johnny. I guess it's a learning experience. I had to get burned twice to learn it, but I'll never get that close again like I said. And then with Frank's email, that assured I'd never trust anyone again.

It took all the way from March of last year, to December of last year for Johnny to tell Amber she needed to stop calling him baby. To stop touching him. To fix her behavior. Had he not, that morning would have stuck. It kills me to think it came to that for it to change.

Since then our relationship *has* changed, and I feel like that was the real start. Though Amber is still in the picture and more than I would like even now, I can't make Johnny see my point and if I bring it up it causes a fight. We've settled into a normal sort of life though, and I enjoy being around him. I hope he feels the same. I still feel anxious when she pops up on IM. On Tuesdays, when he's shopping with her. Sometimes on Friday when he's at band practice. It wears on you. I don't know how long anyone else would deal with the emotions, and really, this is the first time I've gotten to say what I needed without judgment, and without a fight. I refuse to bring it up with friends, because I don't want them to judge unfairly. Unlike Amber, I don't want things set up in sides. I wish she could stick to bounds, be KIND to me when I'm around, and that headache would be less. I know I'll never actually know what transpires when I'm not around between them. That takes a lot of trust, and trust I'll never extend again.

All I want is to be loved. That's my first mistake. Because I don't know who can love me. Am I even lovable? Not that it matters. A dog will love me someday, when I can properly take care of one again. But I always questioned whether my Mom loved me. The only men who have ever loved me, and I believed they did, were never boyfriends. Although... to be fair, there were moments I believed it with Chris. I think he was just too sick at the time to really commit to it. And for all the crap Chris has done to me and such, I do deep down know it was in part due to his illness. Just as some of the scars I left on him were due to mine. (Though I truly believe I am at least 75% better here than I was there.)

Anyway, the Amber road certainly isn't over, and likely won't be ever for Johnny. Unless he sees her for what everyone else does. He says he could never be with her, even if we broke up. But I don't speak to any of my other friends everyday. Just him. And if any of my guy friends aren't cool with Johnny, then we probably wouldn't have the same relationship. If Amber could realize (or give a damn for that matter) that she's treading on this, maybe things between J and I would be better. I know she'll never date anyone, because that could ruin her chances with Johnny. And unless Johnny sets her straight, and sets her free, she'll waste what's left of her life on him for something that J says will never happen. I really hope she finds something, and someone. Then perhaps life will exist as it's supposed to. Until then I hang in the balance. Wondering if this is the only life with J I'll ever have.

My true belief is we won't live together until that changes too, because he can't give up Tuesdays. How would their relationship continue as it is if Johnny and I get more serious? So, that's a lot of hope I'm hanging on change I suppose. But stranger things have happened. He says he loves me, so maybe one day he won't want me to leave instead of craving his time alone.

This was a very hard entry to write. I don't want to come off as bitchy. I don't want people to think I wasn't friends (on my side) with Amber. I really was. I enjoyed hanging out with her until I realized what was really going on. I cried for many nights over it. I'm not made of stone.
I've been writing for two hours. I'm going to lay down now. Thanks for listening. Next entry will be less drama, and more info on what's going on.

4 comments:

  1. Hiya Kat

    God, that was some post! And I'm absolutely cnicew that Amber isa bit retarded. You're father's correct wha he says. But also, as you wrote, J has some responsibility here also, because he should really be a little more courageous and distance himself. But friendship is hard and maybe he doest want to seem mean.

    Anyway, glad you wrote that post, i think you needed to.

    Love & Thoughts, Shane. x

    PS: thanks for yor comment over mine! & I'll explain the email set-up a little later. Are you still on the same mail addess?

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  2. Brave and honest post, buddy. I think it needed to come out.

    Hang in there. Love you.

    SB

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  3. Thanks you guys. It did, as I said I haven't spoken to anyone about it, in that detail ever. So yes, it was necessary. You are seriously two of my fav people in blog land, and it means the world to me when you write and support me.

    Ps- writing as you were nodding off Shane? Lol. Cinew that's funny! :)

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