Self

Ahh, here I am again. I'm starting this off with thoughts, then maybe I'll move onto experiences.

First off when I started blogging I was blogging. About my stupid little life, and minor stuff that was happening at the time. I was dating. I had just moved to Seattle. Things weren't as dramatic back then as they had been prior to my moving, or in some things after. Since those days I've realized how important this blog was to me. How important it was to be honest. And I realized tonight it's because even though this blog started off the way it did, what it has become is a tool for self discovery. I work through my shit here. And even though I feel I still have tons of shit to come to terms with, it's less than it was.

A big part of who I am is me as a girlfriend, and the person I am in a relationship with makes up a huge amount of my experiences and feelings. On days when I feel my relationship is strong and I feel I'm loved, well those are my better days. If this is part of the love addiction than I understand that aspect. On days when I don't know where my relationship is going, then I start to doubt where my future is going. My bands, my location, my illness, my life. Lonliness is one of the cruelist emotions. I can be without my significant other- as long as I have time in advance to know. To make other plans, so I don't have to be by myself. That as I came to realize through my writings, is my greatest trigger for self destruction.

When I was younger I was angry, all the time. I expressed it nearly constantly, but always, always directed inward. Outward was never an option. These days I don't feel angry so much as guilty. This past week especially I wish I could go back to before I made some of my major mistakes. I wonder who that person was, and if I really was all that different. I absolutely hate that I can't express a strong opinion anymore, because I'm afraid of isolating people, or getting them angry at me. Then I get mad at myself for not sticking up for myself yet again. I am CONSTANTLY in B personality mode and it kills me. I come from a family of alpha females. Instead of learning how to compete with them as my sister did, I learned to go with the tide so as to stay out of trouble. I let people cross my boundaries all the time, and I know it's hard to respect someone you can take advantage of. But it's also hard to turn away from someone offering you everything you want. I've been on both sides.

Since the beginning of this blog I've watched some of mental stuff fade, and I've made concerted efforts for this. I went to yet another counselor last year who was the worst yet. I don't seek out therapy when I'm feeling I need something so much, as I do when I want to improve myself, to know myself better. People that are not self aware at all drive me crazy. I know my faults. Sometimes I feel people say things that are untrue. Even people who know me best, or the parts I let them see. Especially when I work so hard to correct them. It really hurts when people don't see it.
The second part to this of course as my mind I feel has improved some, my body has gotten worse and nothing has been so evident as this last week. I wonder sometimes if at the beginning of this all, if I hadn't said "fuck it time is short, let's have fun" if I would've had longer feeling better. Not that I have regrets. My only regret is having hurt anyone on any level. As I write this now I realize how much my life revolves around it. Avoiding it, and accepting it depending on the day.

I've always been broke. My parents help me with the necessities, but even at that they haven't always. I've never had money to spend on things I wanted. My biggest spend was on a new stereo with money I was saving to visit Seattle when I was working at Toys R Us. That was $250. I only had it for a few months before I traded it as rent for a place to stay for ten days, back when times were the hardest they've been. I hate relying on others for things. I wish I had more control over things so that I could really see what I could do. Or who I could be.
Talking to my dad over messenger today he said "you really need a break." I'm wondering what he meant exactly, because I don't get a break. Not from this body or this existance. Even going someplace would only be postponing what's here and I need to handle this shit right now.

My solace is Johnny. Even though we fight, when I walk through the door of his place I don't feel anything but relief and happiness to be there. All the jokes make the relationship more light hearted than any other I've been in. He hates it when I compare things. I don't think he realizes how favorably I compare this to others though. There is more companinship to this relationship. More stability too. I'm not constantly worried about where he is, or who he's meeting. When he gives me attention I just light up. Whenever I get a text I secretly hope it's him. I have felt the same excitedness about him I did on our very first date, even though before I was officially in love I was able to act more cool. My cool factor is such an illusion. The only thing "cool" about me is my music I think.

I love playing shows. I love the feeling I get when Flash starts to understand one of my songs. We played our last 2 before our summer hiatis. On our last show we got cut off early because the other douche bag bands complained about their time slots and we got pushed to last. I wasn't happy. I think partly because I don't know if it will be my last performance with that band. They're sick of me missing practice in the morning. I don't do it on purpose or maliciously. I want to be there, I really do. But I can't make my insomnia let me work in the AM. Bands usually rehearse in the evenings, and it's been easier to do that in the past. Not that it's ever been different with Flash, we've always rehearsed in the AM. But motivation was easier when we were working for something. Plus I feel like what I'm writing now isn't what they want anymore too. They want harder songs. I can only write certain sounds with a piano. We'll see how it goes.

Dad keeps urging me to do booking. I'm wondering what is stopping me right now. I fucking loved booking for my band when we started booking. I worked on that shit literally 12 hours a day for like, 2 weeks. I wasn't bored. I had purpose. I wasn't a dilweed about it like some of the bookers I know. And they all seem to be the same person around here ps.

I have a doctors appointment in 2 hours. I need to get offline. There's more to write but no time, and my back is killing me. Love to you all. I'll be back soon.