lone

Time to write again me thinks. After all the drama of the apartment searching and such I settled on a house in Wallingford (I think.) I spent Saturday moving and today unpacking and settling. I decided not to move in with my friend Debbie who decided to back out of our agreement, with the checks and everything. Which means I lost 50 on credit check and 100 on a holding fee. Which means basically it cost my Dad because I can't cover that. I was upset for awhile. She basically left me in a position to be homeless which brought up a lot of old emotions I hadn't visited since actually being homeless. Anyway

So I've been trying to conceptualize working again. Trying to figure out how I can do it. If I can. What I could and would do. If my sleep stays on this track, and I can take my pain pills I think it could possible be doable. I'd meet new people at work I think, and it'd be nice to have a new crew to hang with. So many of the people I've been seeing on a regular basis are people Johnny's associated with. I spent a lot of timing thinking the other night before about how those people likely won't stick around if we broke up. If we did socialize it would likely be at his shows once I was able to go again, once the pain subsided.
I feel when the whole Frank thing went down (and yes, me being vulnerable here Amber) I got so betrayed, and taught about trust on all levels. Amber was never really my friend. I was a pawn in the Johnny game. A person to manipulate to get what she wanted. And it crushed my heart. Fuck her for that. For attacking me. For making me question my happiness and my love. Fuck her for ruining the family shit I had invisioned when Chris moved back. I wanted the life I had with Bobby's and Alastairs family. They loved me- and this leads into the next step- I'm supposed to meet Johnny's parents on Wedsday. What will they think? Will we bond? I long to so much. Johnny and Dad are what I consider family. The men I would do anything for.

Fuck Amber. She has malificntly and beautifully calculated this out so I have permanent scars and she doesn't fucking care. All under this veil of compassion. Compassion is easy to feel with those you love, it's feeling empathy for those you don't like that's difficult. When I let her take those pictures with Johnny. Or ivited her out with us the first few times. And my thanks on twitter that she was calm and clear that my man was absolutely meant to be hers.

I grow so tired of being ignore by Chris and Nicole becauae of what's been said. Nicole can't seem to help but speaking to me condescendingly. Travs is an angel and always speaks to me like a fucking person. Like he has no agenda. He and Greta and Chris. Summers so far back fro the group now. She's pulled away, which sucks because she was a friend and Ally. She'd stick up for me as I her. But now her whole life is baout to change and I can't help but be a little jealous.

My life is changing too, and I'm going to start going to meetings. I gotta figure out a way to handle my life on my own.

I wish Johnny was the kind of man who could hold me for a few miuntes before going back to his game. Or maybe say I miss you once in awhile. But wishing doesn't change anything. I still want the litte gestures to let me know I'm not some piece of furniture in his life and that he cares.

I feel so fucking alone. This is when I start to trace down the fillers. I think Ive quit drugs on the whole now. But I still wish I had a line and some company right now,

Someone to just touch me softly. Instead of the obvious contridiction of the blade. Silly isnt it? Pain is so much more easy to obtain than comfort right now. I'm off to contemplate that. Sorry this isn't very structured. Don't worry I'm going to sleep. I don't S.I anymore either. Look at how boring I'm becoming...