I distinctly remember writing an entry about the hell that has been my life the last week. I guess I deleted it. Probably for the best. I wasn't in my right mind. I remember thinking the entry didn't make much sense.
I was withdrawing like a motherfucker. I tried to go cold turkey off the Xanax. Uuuh, yeah apparently that's a bad idea. I was in a constant 24 hour a day panic attack, not to mention the hot and cold, and zero concentration. Plus my sleep was just a mess. I was feeling suicidal which apparently is a side effect as well. This went on for SEVEN DAYS. Til today actually. I even had the flu-like symptoms on occasion junkies have. That was a first.
Now, to add insult to injury I went to see my sleep doctor to ask him to help me ween off of it properly. I have to be in California Monday and I wasn't going if I continued to feel that way. Dr Green said he didn't feel comfortable treating my anxiety, since that wasn't his job. Then sent me on my way and said I was my primary care physicians problem now. I couldn't believe it. I was devestated. I was panicked. I called and made an apt the next day for a doctor, since my primary care doc is on maternity leave. I knew I was rolling the dice big time.
But Dr. Marshall listened patiently, actually EXPRESSED SYMPATHY and said that she had trouble sleeping too and knows how hard it makes life. Then she not only gave me a smaller dose of Xanax, but something to treat anxiety long term, and another non-addictive sleep med. Since my whole goal in starting this experiment was to be off Xanax and Ambien forever. I just realize now I can't cut it cold turkey like I did with cigs and any other drug. I thought I was strong enough... But apparently this had a greater hold than I had assessed.
My room mate Tyler and I have really been bonding. It's been nice to have someone to hang with when I'm up for it.
The other night we shared a bottle of wine and stayed up talking until like, 8am. He told me a lot of really personal stuff and I have to say it's the first conversation like that I've had in awhile. It was nice. Just... Talking. I mean, obviously it's not going anywhere. Tyler's wife Steph is amazing and I respect them both and their relationship. It's just a relief to know I can still can connect with someone on a more personal level then just the surface stuff I only allow these days.
Plus, I confided in him about what was really going on with the withdrawl and he gave me some muscle relaxers which greatly assisted in one nights sleep. I mean, he genuinely wanted to help me. Take care of me almost. Said he admired what I was doing even though it was nuts, hehe. It's rare I've ever seen such compassion from a man. He's got a good heart. I really lucked out finding this place.
The downside besides the really sick I was feeling was not getting much work done the last week. I have a lot of emails I have to reply to and I need to make some calls tonight to make sure all my bands I've booked for the week I'm gone are set, since I wont be there to oversee anything or run PAs. Then I gotta send out emails for the June shows. And get a hard confirm about the date for Travis. Bleh. It piles up when you take the time off.
Anyway... I'm finally looking forward to LA. :) Bought the latest Boomkat album and am enjoying it immensly.
And am just really glad for this moment I'm calm and back to me. Let's hope the actual ween down works better than my stupid-ass plan of just quitting. One step closer to being the healthier me I want to be.