Pain, work, goodbyes, longing, peace, and me

Today was a really hard pain day. The codeine didn't touch it, so I had to take the vicodin. There were a few tears. I'm not sure if they were from the pain, or the emotions surrounding the pain.

I've been told that it might be good to start writing some goodbye letters. Letters that I'd never send out, but that say everything to that person I'd want to say. That perhaps this is a step towards closure. I think they want me to do it for a couple different reasons.
I guess I never realized how many people that truly meant something to me I've had to say goodbye to. That I can not contact, will not contact me, or died.
Sometimes the world is so fucking big. Sometimes, I feel like I know everyone in Seattle, even if it's by proxy. But I feel small myself right now. I guess because I'm feeling vulnerable.
Anyway, the goodbye letters are going to take some time to write. The hardest ones will be to my past loves. And to the future one I may never know.

Sarah and Bob are doing well. Surprisingly it hasn't really changed how much Sar and I hang out which I'm thankful for. Sar is my constant right now. Debbie and I grow apart, mostly on my accord I guess. I'm tired of playing her games and shit. They just wear me out. I miss my Wayne terribly. He crossed my mind for awhile today for the first time in awhile. Ironically he called me tonight. I didn't answer. I didn't want him to hear me weak.

My other "friends" are the people I'm working with now, rotating around. The other musicians and bar owners and other bookers. The people at their shows. I'm officially the de-facto manager of a local band here now, and I've been doing a lot of reading and research. We are meeting weekly or bi-weekly to make a game plan. We're coming up with tasks every week we need to accomplish before their second cd release in June. I'm still trying to network like crazy of course, because the saying is true, it is partly about who you know. I want the boys to get out there and make new friends, and I want to try and get them playing at a college frat party. I want to develop their stage show a bit, but these aren't the steps we're on yet. I won't outline everything here, but it's a big job and we're hitting the ground running.

Meanwhile my own personal music I'm still writing, but the solo shit has been stalled. Understandably. I'm getting ready to move again, and my health has come first, when I'm not working. I have come up with a good new rock song called "We Only Love What Kills Us" and I'm excited about it. There are other ideas and concepts but for now, that has the most promise.

The meds I'm on are making me gain weight which blooooooows. As soon as the rain quits I'm gunna start running again. I've already started to change my diet, but man have I been up and down the last few months.

Anyway, all the writing til now I confess was just an excuse. I really wanted to write about Johnny again. I was going through my camera and saw some of the pictures I took of him back around this time last year. When I feel I was happiest with him. (April-ish) and got incredibly nostalgic. He really is an amazing guy. He always knew how to make me laugh. I do still miss him quite a lot. It's not that I can't let go either, but there isn't any closure for me there.
Anyway I loved him for many reasons. And I was angry when I wrote the last blog about him not caring. Maybe he does care, but is holding back or something. Maybe I'm not giving him enough credit.

The person I am now, versus the person I was even 8 months ago is ridiculously different. I mean, I'm still me, but I *feel* different. For the first time ever. I can't explain it, but everybody says so.
I'm acting different. I'm not actively seeking love (perhaps a good step in the addiction process) and I spend all my time putting my efforts into something I hope one day to really make something of. Almost to the point I get burned out, but not quite. When I feel it happening I do something else.

Anyway, I wish Johnny had known this Kate. She's still fun, but more focused. She has her own life/work now versus just playing music. The time I'd need now is less, because I'm more comfortable with the network of friends I have and want and need time with them. Perhaps I'd even be able to explain myself better to him.
Unfortunately, I'm still a romantic though and I do gestures. It just turns out that friends appreciate them too. I bought Sarah some sushi and a cd with our song on it when she was having a shitty day. I took Jay out to the last good show, and insisted he come with me to the next show I'm STOKED for at El Corazon. I avoid ambien at night altogether now. I limit my drinking more, and I rarely get the urge to self destruct. Hasn't happened in months anyway.

I am also happy to announce that The BPD Diagnosis I was once saddled with and felt so... at war with... has been labeled as a misdiagnosis. Which means I'm not as fucked up as they once thought, or I once was. I'm less ashamed to tell people I have complex PTSD because that means it's not so much about me, but about what happened to me and how I internalized it. I apparently turn out better than a lot of cases. Of course, as always, I am a work in progress. But I'm thankful to be working on it. Because that means there are ways of continuing to get better there. I just hope that whatever they find in my blood allows me a chance for more practice. Of course, just living means there is a chance something could happen that makes me worse, too. That's part of the complex thing I guess.

My open mic was packed last night. I was so happy to see the place full. It's the best it's been yet. But with all the talking I'd done that day I went hoarse. Didn't care. Still had fun. Besides my band coming out Mary, Meggie, and Jeff were all there as were my bar staff family.

Listening to a lot of Levi Weaver lately again. Been emailing him more often. He really is such an incredible man. His music touches me so. He finally got the second full cd out. It's great. I just bought his first E.P finally. Should've done it years ago.

I am alone tonight again, but for one of the very few times ever I'm not really uncomfortable with it. The pain has died down just enough to sleep, so I'm off to do just that. And feel this longing in my heart for my memories with mr blue eyes, but to be simply ok with that too, rather than desperate and lost.

I hope you find yourself some peace tonight as well dear reader.