Until next time

Hey

If you think you know me-
You think you care-
You'd know my next move
Like a chess master, predicting me 6 moves ahead.
I'm not like that.
I'm 6 months anywhere.
And now, it's not even 6 months.
Cuz, you know, who knows?
I've dumped everything I wouldn't want anyone to deal with.
I'm giving back all I have of others
(anybody)
And I'm retreating to a place with my own entrance.
My space, as I call it.
No one's.
Just me again, in some words.
For peace.
For a place I can seek all I want from any
prying eyes.
Prying opinions.
Prying concern most of all.

If I thought anyone could understand I would let them.
But I cut my world to the quick.
If you don't know on Sunday where I am-
The likelihood you will is slim.
Why bother with the formalities?
I am me. You are you.
Our lives are seperate planes now.
Everybody loves me
(I get it)
But they have moved on.
And I can not, becuz it is not fair for anyone involved now.
Yes, maybe I liked you.
But liking leads not to love, nor any REAL sentimental attachment.
In fact, I feel the opposite.
Fuck you.

Getting to know me takes more than a few lines from
Some fucked up poem.
Some train or river of thought.
You must know more about why I retreat
Then about my love of dogs, or sushi, or music.
I'm not sure whether my heart is healing or breaking but either way
PROGRESS.
I have loved so many, so deeply.
But I have claimed a spot in the lonely hearts club for life-
Because even as I give every part of my being to another
They can not feel the same.
It appears all a game.

The truth, the REAL truth is only music saves.
And as I lay on that bed
with the needles and the drip
I don't care
Because music goes on forever.
and something in that is how I found my way back the first time.

I reassure my father "you'll know where I am when the time comes"
He becomes so confused.
He signs the check from my account without the real knowledge of where I am just yet.
He has other worries
And again I push, why bother?
I promise him it's beautiful. He'd be happy.
Someday, likely in weeks, when I'm ready he'll know.
But the reason for this secret
Is becuz people can't be trusted, and I can not hurt my Dad.

So here I am. Writing this stupid entry, in my little idiotic life.

And the next chapter is bigger, less expensive and only until August. We can see how my blood is then. Let's not get too excited or in over our heads. But for now this is enough for me.

I'm too tired to write anything else tonight, cryptic or otherwise.

I love you so. I miss you. As always, I feel.

Until next time...