Complex ME

What are the symptoms of Complex PTSD?
The first requirement for the diagnosis is that the individual experienced a prolonged period (months to years) of total control by another. The other criteria are symptoms that tend to result from chronic victimization:

■Alterations in emotional regulation. May include persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or inhibited anger.
■Alterations in consciousness. Includes forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes in which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body.
■Changes in self-perception. May include helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings.
■Alterations in how the perpetrator is perceived. Examples include attributing total power to the perpetrator, becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, or preoccupied with revenge.
■Alterations in relations with others. Examples include isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer.
■Changes in one's system of meanings. May include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.
What other difficulties do those with Complex PTSD tend to experience?
■Survivors may avoid thinking and talking about trauma-related topics because the feelings associated with the trauma are often overwhelming.
■Survivors may use alcohol and substance abuse as a way to avoid and numb feelings and thoughts related to the trauma.
■Survivors may also engage in self-mutilation and other forms of self-harm.
Blaming the victim
A person who has been abused repeatedly is sometimes mistaken as someone who has a "weak character." They have been misdiagnosed by mental health providers as having Borderline, Dependent, or Masochistic Personality Disorder. Survivors have been unjustly blamed for the symptoms they experience as a result of victimization. Researchers hope that a new diagnosis will prevent clinicians, the public, and those who suffer from trauma from mistakenly blaming survivors for their symptoms.

Summary
The current PTSD diagnosis often does not capture the severe psychological harm that occurs with prolonged, repeated trauma. For example, long-term trauma may affect a healthy person's self-concept and adaptation. The symptoms of such prolonged trauma have been mistaken for character weakness.

I'm not weak. I'm not without. I was misdiagnosed. I am trying to be better than what happpened to me. I'm trying to move on. I *do* need someone to understand, but I don't think anyone really gets it right now. Maybe they see it, but understanding what happened and why I am what I am, is hard now. I've gone into an isolated state.

I hope hope hope when Monday rolls around, I'm willing to reconnect because I'll be in a new place, and by Tuesday I'll be back to normal for my next open mic.

I'm going back to California in April I've decided. I'm gunna take the 18-25th off.

I also went on a date last Thursday which was good, because it was a benefit I was participating in. I invited a guy called Bret to come along and we had a lot of good conversations. He's extremely liberal which is something I am toally about. I donated $30 and PAWS made over $500 that night. I was very proud. He donated money himself and was attentive all night. Overall it was a good time. I don't know how much potential we have exactly, but it was nice to go out again. I hope I can see him again next week sometime after Wednesday, when everything calms down and I can make a real assesment. Not just of me and getting back to me, but of him and seeing if we're on the same page.

I texted Johnny about giving his stuff and getting my microwave back, but he is being illusive. I guess I'll just take it for what it is. I really wish we could be ammicable. (As in amiche the word for friendly in Italian. Perhaps a more literal definition.)

I'm counting down the days til I am finallly in my beautiful new townhouse. Finally a new chapter. Finally some closure in the best sense that started last year in March when I moved to the U Dist. Finally I start with a new diagnosis and CBT. Finally...
And maybe I'm wishing too much.

But tonight the Reisling was good and the day was spent watching tv and playing video games.
Tomorrow I'm scouting a show at El Corazon. Sunday I move.

It's random, but here's another entry. I will write again soon.

<3